


Maybe This Year (Will Be Better Than the Last)

by deadto27



Series: Maybe [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Amputee Bucky Barnes, Angst, Bucky Barnes & Sam Wilson Friendship, Bucky Barnes Has PTSD, Bucky is not here for Steve’s self sacrificing bullshit, Canonical Character Death, Captain America Steve Rogers/Modern Bucky Barnes, Drama, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff, Fuck the Accords, M/M, Negative Self Talk, Peter Parker Lives in Brooklyn Instead, References Canon Avengers Missions but I Do What I Want With Them, Romance, Sam Wilson is not an Avenger, Shrunkyclunks, Smut, X-Men Characters Cause I Like X-Men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-08
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2019-10-06 19:13:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 28
Words: 133,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17350997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deadto27/pseuds/deadto27
Summary: Last year, Bucky Barnes met Steve Rogers. Well actually, he slipped and fell on him. What followed was the best Christmas either of them had ever had. But what happens when Christmas is over and life returns to normal? What happens after the Christmas miracle?-----Bucky should have known. Hedidknow. When things seem too good to be true, they usually are. And Steve is the best thing that has happened to him in a long time, possibly ever, so of course it couldn’t last.





	1. The Never-Ending Why

**Author's Note:**

> So you probably need to read [Maybe This Christmas](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16999668) for this to make sense.
> 
> Written for AO3. Do not repost elsewhere.

_A long December and there's reason to believe_  
_Maybe this year will be better than the last_

* * *

 

Bucky should have known. He _did_ know. When things seem too good to be true, they usually are. And Steve is the best thing that has happened to him in a long time, possibly ever, so of course it couldn’t last.

Christmas had been perfect. Steve had made it perfect. Bucky doesn’t know how he deserved something that perfect. They’d seen each other a couple of times in the days following but spent New Year’s separately. Steve had invited him to a party at Avengers Tower, but Bucky was so not ready for that and Steve seemed almost relieved. Bucky would have been insulted except Steve was quick to explain that it was because he liked having Bucky to himself right now—one of few things that everyone didn’t know about him. That made sense to Bucky. Steve has freaking museum exhibits dedicated to him, after all. It must feel nice for him to have something that’s just his. And Bucky had felt the same. He liked the little Steve-Bucky bubble they were existing in and it didn’t feel like the time to come out of it just yet.

So Bucky had gone out with Logan and their army buddies and Steve had gone to his Avengers party, but Steve called him at midnight so it was still one of the best New Year’s Bucky could remember.

The actual new year is not going so well.

 

\----

 

Bucky lifts his phone for what must be the hundredth time that hour when he returns to his bedroom slash living room after his shower. No messages. His heart sinks as it always does every time. He drops his phone onto the bed and tries to focus on drying off from his shower. He rubs a towel dejectedly over his hair as he wanders to his dresser. It’s pretty cold in his apartment and he’s got little goosebumps on his arm, hair standing up. He should probably put the heating on, but maybe a warm sweater will be enough. He pulls out some clothes, steadfastly ignoring the red sweater he wore at Christmas, instead pulling out an old black sweatshirt with an almost entirely faded NASA logo on the front and a pair of old jeans that hang a little low on him, but it’s not like he’s going anywhere so what does it matter.

As he’s pulling on his boxers, the phone beeps and Bucky practically dives onto the bed for it, his heart leaping in his chest in anticipation, only to feel the sharp sting of disappointment as he sees it’s a message from Logan to say he’s running a few minutes late to meet him. He drops the phone down again as he feels the hard lurch in his stomach because, once again, it’s not Steve.

It’s the twelfth of January—ten days since he last heard from Steve. Bucky had messaged him to see when he was next free and there’d been no response.

The first day, he didn’t worry too much. Steve’s probably busy, he told himself. When he hadn’t had a response by the second day, he sent a follow up message, just in case. Later on that day, he called instead, but the phone just went to voicemail.

When Bucky had sent five messages and left three voicemails, he had figured it might be time to give up. But even then, he still tried calling Avengers Tower, but of course they didn’t tell him anything or put him through. Probably thought he was a nutcase or obsessed fanboy or something. Bucky keeps scouring the internet and watching the news, but the Avengers aren’t being reported as being active anywhere.

Bucky takes a breath to compose himself from his disappointment and finishes getting dressed. He figures there are only two reasons Steve wouldn’t contact him. Either he’s on a mission somewhere, or he’s changed his mind about Bucky and is ghosting him. Bucky doesn’t believe Steve would do that, but he also doesn’t believe that Steve wouldn’t have had a minute to contact him if he was going away, or not have a way to contact him from wherever he is. Maybe Steve doesn’t see Bucky as that important? Maybe they’re just casual and Bucky read too much into everything? Maybe this Christmas blinded him—made him think they were more than they were?

Bucky doesn’t believe that, not really. He can’t believe the electricity between them wasn’t real. He’s certain they both felt it. But it’s hard. It gets harder every day to pretend to himself. The only truth he knows is that Steve hasn’t contacted him and he doesn’t know why.

His buzzer goes and he ambles over to buzz Logan in. While he waits, he stares sadly at the bare Christmas tree. Yesterday he finally took down all the decorations when it became apparent that Steve wasn’t showing up to take them. He put them away in the bag Steve left and pushed it into the back of his closet. Now Logan is coming to help him get rid of the tree. He’d waited as long as he could but it’s the last day of curbside collection and frankly, the tree’s seen better days now.

“You didn’t say it was huge,” Logan comments as Bucky lets him in and he takes in the size of the tree.

Bucky shrugs. “Yeah, well...”

Logan just narrows his eyes and then wraps his arms round it, lifting it slightly, apparently testing its weight.

“Alright, you get the doors,” he tells Bucky.

Bucky nods and together they manage to wrangle the tree out of his building to leave it on the curb for collection.

“Thanks,” Bucky tells Logan, except his voice feels kind of flat. He’s grateful for the help, but it sort of feels like the final nail in the coffin of his and Steve’s burgeoning relationship.

“Yeah, no problem,” Logan shrugs. “I gotta get to work,” he says in his usual gruff way.

Bucky nods and they plan to grab a beer soon. When Logan’s gone, Bucky stares at the sad, bare, dead Christmas tree for a few moments before he makes his way back upstairs.

He closes his door and looks around the room. His eyes find their way to the snow globe on his bedside table and a sting of unhappiness cuts through him. He can’t quite find it in himself to put that away. He looks at the rest of the room. His apartment looks so empty and depressing now. He figures at least it reflects his mood.

 

****

 

Bucky tries to focus on work. He doesn’t really have any other choice but to carry on with his little life. He meets up with Becca a couple of times but when she asks about Steve, he just acts like Steve turned out to be a dick who ghosted him. He can’t exactly tell her who Steve really is. Plus the more Bucky thinks about it, the more he’s certain Steve could contact him if he wanted to. He’s an Avenger for god’s sake, it’s not like they have to rely on normal phone networks.

It just makes it seem more and more likely that Steve just doesn’t want to see him anymore. Bucky knows he thought that before and it turned out not to be the case, but he just doesn’t know what else to think. His rational mind gets pushed down by his emotional one with each day that passes.

As two weeks becomes three weeks, Bucky tries to forget. He had some kind of Christmas miracle but that’s all it was. It’s gone now. He hopes that soon Steve Rogers will just be a distant memory to him. He’s done hurting. He just wants to forget. He puts the snow globe away.

 

****

 

“You look fancy,” Logan comments as Bucky comes out of his building.

It’s the twenty-fifth of January and Bucky’s done feeling sorry for himself. He’s dressed up a bit in a new steel blue sweater Becca got him for Christmas and the really gorgeous black pea coat his parents got him to replace his old one—which made him feel even guiltier about not being there for Christmas—and he and Logan are going out drinking. Bucky grins and locks up behind him and they head off down to their nearest bar, which happens to be Frankie’s.

Bucky tries not to think about Steve and their first date. This was _his_ bar first after all. He’s determined to have a good time. Instead, he gets massively shit-faced, falling deeper and deeper down a hole of self-pity.

“You ever feel unlovable?” he asks Logan as he finishes yet another drink.

“No,” Logan replies, swigging his beer.

“Well fuck you very much,” Bucky mumbles, affronted.

“You’re plenty lovable, Barnes,” Logan states, with an eye roll. “What’s got you like this?” It’s possibly the most interest he’s ever shown in Bucky’s personal life, without Bucky just telling him things. He and Logan met in the army and they’d die for each other without thought, but they don’t really talk about any relationship stuff. Though Bucky’s not really had a relationship to talk about before anyway.

“Never mind,” Bucky mumbles. He doesn’t want to talk about it. He’s here moving on. He is. He really is.

Logan shrugs and leans back in his chair. “I should take you home, you look like shit.”

Bucky leans his head down onto his arm, looking up at Logan through his eyelashes. “Well thanks so much. That’s what a guy likes to hear.”

“Quit batting your eyes at me, I ain’t Scott,” Logan rolls his eyes, finishing his drink.

“Where the fuck is Scott anyway?” Bucky complains. Scott is another guy from their army unit, with a not so secret crush on Bucky. Everyone knows Bucky knows about it, except Scott himself apparently, and Bucky tries to stay oblivious to it, but right now he could use some attention to make himself feel better, even though the little non-drunk voice in his head says that’s mean to want.

“Bucky fuckin’ Barnes!” a voice yells loudly and Bucky startles, lifting his head in the direction of the noise.

“No fuckin’ way,” he breathes out as he sees who it is. “Sammy!” He stumbles to his feet as Sam pats himself on the chest and lifts his arms out, as if proving he’s really here.

Bucky wraps his arm round Sam, swaying a little as he does so. “Oh my god, are you finally back?” he asks excitedly as he pulls away. Sam’s in the Air Force and he hasn’t seen him in ages. God, maybe almost a year now. He’d had to leave again just weeks after Bucky’s accident, which he felt terrible about because, with the exception of Becca, Sam is the closest friend in Bucky’s life.

Logan claps Sam on the back as he joins them. “Been too long.”

“Yeah it has and yeah I’m back,” he grins, with his smile that brightens the whole room.

Bucky pulls him into another hug cause he can’t help himself. “That’s awesome!” He can’t stop smiling. This has to be the best timing ever, because he could really do with Sam being around right now. “This is the best thing that has ever happened,” he booms into Sam’s ear.

Sam pats him on the back. “You sure are one drunk Bucky, huh?”

Bucky sees him raising his eyebrows at Logan when he pulls away again.

“He’s feeling unlovable,” Logan tells him helpfully.

Bucky lifts a finger to Logan and scowls. He wishes he’d look like Logan when he scowls but his friends always say he looks more like an angry, slightly confused puppy.

“Aww Bucky, what’s up?” Sam smirks at him.

“Nothing’s up.” Bucky shakes his head and lets the grin return to his face. “Everything is good. Can’t believe you’re back.” Bucky really can’t stop grinning.

“I told you I would be sometime soon,” Sam says with an amused frown. “Got home late yesterday. I just went to your place, but you weren’t home, so I figured you might be here.”

“I’m predictable, aren’t I?” Bucky says as a realisation, frowning to himself. It’s true, lately he sticks to the places he knows and doesn’t really venture elsewhere.

“Yep,” Sam confirms, before patting him on the back again. “C’mon, let’s get drinks and you can catch me up.”

More drinks is a very bad idea. Bucky is way out of it by the time they decide to head home. Logan abandons him to Sam’s care, seeing as Sam’s mom lives about two blocks from him, and Sam helps him stagger down the street, Bucky mumbling to him about all the fun things they can do now he’s back.

“What’s this about, man?” Sam asks as they stumble along.

Bucky shrugs. He knows he means the drinking. Bucky never drinks like this, not anymore. He likes to be in control usually. “I’m sad,” he whinges.

“Alright, I’ll bite. Why are you sad?” Sam asks as they reach Bucky’s building.

“I met a guy,” Bucky admits as Sam deposits him on the steps for a minute. Damn Sam and his caring vibe—he always makes Bucky open up without meaning to.

Sam raises his eyebrows as he finds Bucky’s house keys in his coat pocket. “A guy, huh?”

“ _The_ guy,” Bucky clarifies, feeling a little like crying.

“ _The_ guy?” Sam repeats as he unlocks the door. “What, like the man of your dreams?”

“Yes!” Bucky whines as Sam helps him up and into the building. “But now he’s gone, and it sucks.”

“Gone?” Sam asks as he manages to get Bucky halfway up the first set of stairs.

“Pooof!” Bucky says, waving his hand and then almost falling backwards before Sam stabilises him. “Like a ghost. No call, no text, nothing.” He notices Sam holding onto him. “Isn’t this coat soooft,” he trills at Sam.

“Yeah, sure is,” Sam replies in a placating tone. Sam is rolling his eyes when Bucky looks over at him while he keeps helping him up the stairs. “Anyway, this guy sounds like a dick,” he comments as they finally reach the last set of stairs.

“He’s not,” Bucky frowns at the floor. He doesn’t like Sam calling Steve names. “I think he’s maybe dead.”

“I’m not even gonna ask,” Sam says, shaking his head as they get to Bucky’s door.

Bucky sighs. Sam probably thinks he’s not thinking straight, but he is. Mostly. He’s pretty sure. “Oh my god, what if Hulk sat on him?” Bucky exclaims to Sam, feeling panicked.

Sam peers at him for a moment. “Boy, you don’t have a clue what you’re saying, do you?” He ignores Bucky’s protests and unlocks the door and manages to drag Bucky through it before letting go, as Bucky stares at his feet, trying to kick his shoes off. Ugh, they’re the stupid sneakers he was wearing when he met Steve and his toes were freezing. He still hasn’t thrown them out even though his parents got him new ones.

“Uh, Bucky?” Sam says.

“Fuckin’ shoes...” Bucky mumbles cause his damn shoes just don’t want to come off. “Yeah, babydoll?” he murmurs absentmindedly. It’s a thing they do. Sam is his babydoll and Bucky is Sam’s peach-pie. Come to think of it, he has no idea when they started doing that.

“Why is Captain America in your apartment?”

Bucky laughs cause that’s the funniest thing he’s ever heard. “Very funny, you dickbag,” he says, before finally looking up, and oh shit, Steve is standing there next to his window. It’s really him. He’s there and he’s not dead. He looks so beautiful, Bucky might die.

That’s the moment Bucky pukes on his own shoes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said a couple of months until the sequel, but apparently I meant a couple of weeks *shrug*. Me being me, I have no schedule for this, but I'm aiming for one or two chapters a week.
> 
> Also ha ha, I'm so evil, I ruined everything!
> 
> Come hang out on [tumblr](https://deadto27.tumblr.com/) with me if you like? This chapter goes out to buckmesideways22 - I hope you feel lots better soon and this cheers you up even a little hopefully :)
> 
> Anyway, I really hope you guys like this! Comment and let me know maybe? Brighten my January? :)


	2. For What It’s Worth

“Fuck,” Bucky whispers to himself in the bathroom. He wipes at his face with a wet cloth and wonders if there’s any way he can just stay in the bathroom, maybe for the rest of his life.

He just threw up in front of Steve. Oh god, he is the worst. He can hear mumbling from the other room which means Steve is still there and talking to Sam. Part of him wishes that Sam would get him to leave. The other part wants to go and hug him and never let him leave again.

Bucky almost whimpers in disgust at himself as he gets his slightly puke-flecked jeans off, almost falling over in the process, and pulls on a pair of not clean, but not that dirty sweatpants from his laundry basket. He brushes his teeth and uses his mouthwash. Twice. He manages to detach his prosthetic arm and pin up his sleeve and then smooths his hair a bit. He takes a glance in the mirror. He looks like he’s been on a week-long bender. He feels like it too. His head feels all loopy and his limbs feel heavy. He could have sworn he looked almost good when he went out tonight.

He sighs and turns away from the mirror and figures he has to go back out there at some point. He finally opens the door, fumbling with the doorknob, and heads back out.

Steve’s head turns to look at him as he appears. Bucky notices he’s wearing the same grey coat from when Bucky fell on him. He’s standing near the end of Bucky’s bed, a few feet from Sam, who is apparently an angel because he’s cleaned up the puke near the door and Bucky’s puke shoes are nowhere to be seen. Bucky can’t find it in himself to meet Steve’s eyes.

Sam looks super confused still about what’s happening. “You okay?”

Bucky nods, feeling massively embarrassed and walks over to Sam, who passes him a glass of water from the kitchen counter.

“Thanks,” Bucky says gratefully, taking a small sip. He’ll have to buy Sam dinner for this. First day back home and he’s already back to taking care of Bucky.

“I guess I should leave you to talk to Captain America then?” Sam says, his eyes round and trying to communicate to Bucky without words that he finds this whole thing really weird.

“Uh, yeah,” Bucky says, glancing at Steve. “Thanks.” He gives Sam a hug.

Sam eyes Steve again. “I’ll call you tomorrow,” he tells Bucky, looking back at him before heading out.

And then it’s just them. Him and Steve.

“Um, sorry you had to see that,” Bucky mumbles, taking another sip of his water before putting it down on the counter.

“You okay?” Steve asks, and ouch, Bucky forgot how good his voice sounds.

“Yeah,” Bucky nods, still not meeting Steve’s eyes. He’s feeling kinda fuzzy but the shock of Steve being there, along with throwing up, has definitely sobered him up a little. “Been a while,” he comments lightly.

“I know. I’m so, so sorry, Bucky,” Steve starts. “I never meant to be gone this long. I wanted to contact you, I would have...” He pauses and sighs. Bucky finally looks at Steve to see him looking both sorry and sort of defeated. “There’s a whole explanation here, but I guess it doesn’t really matter after all.” Steve runs a hand through his hair and looks at the floor. “This really isn’t how I pictured this,” he mumbles. He looks up at Bucky again, those bright blue eyes finding his for just a moment. “I should go. I shouldn’t have stopped by without asking, I’m really sorry.” He starts heading for the door.

Bucky is just about keeping up, even as his head is spinning. “Wait,” he manages, and Steve pauses and turns. “Why doesn’t it matter?”

“What?” Steve asks, looking confused.

“Your explanation?”

Steve looks almost devastated. Bucky can’t understand why. “It’s okay, I get it. I shouldn’t have expected you to wait. He, uh, seems like he treats you well so...” Steve starts moving again.

Bucky is too drunk to try and comprehend his mumblings. He rubs his fingers over his eyes. “Steve, what are you talking about?” he asks with a sigh. “I kinda need this spelled out, my brain ain’t really functioning at a higher level right now,” he says blurrily.

“You and Sam?” Steve clarifies. “I’m happy for you, really.”

Bucky figures Steve should tell his face that, cause he looks about as far away from happy as someone can get, while Bucky finally realises that Steve thinks he and Sam are a couple. He bursts out laughing. “Me and Sam? Are you kidding?” He can’t seem to stop giggling now he’s started. “He’s my best friend and so painfully straight, why would you think that?”

Steve looks flummoxed as Bucky manages to stop laughing. “You just seemed so comfortable together. And you called him babydoll,” Steve adds, frowning slightly.

“And he calls me peach-pie, what of it,” Bucky says with a little frown. He can call his friends whatever he wants. He pouts a little to himself as he wanders over to his bed. He’s so tired all of a sudden.

“Oh.” Steve just stands there for a moment. “I feel really dumb,” he confesses.

“You look dumb too,” Bucky mumbles childishly, sitting down on his bed, because standing is too tiring now. “You owe me an explanation,” he murmurs even as he settles himself down against his pillows, delighting in the squishiness. Maybe he’ll just rest his eyes for a minute or two and then they can keep talking. Yeah, that sounds like a plan.

“I do. Do you think maybe I could stop by tomorrow and tell you it?” he hears Steve ask, but he’s already closed his eyes, wrapping himself up in the covers. Maybe tomorrow is a good idea. Tomorrow…if Steve comes back.

He can’t find it in himself to worry right now. Instead he just about manages to wave his hand in the air, hopefully in Steve’s direction. “I’m glad you’re not dead,” he mumbles into his pillow.

“Sleep well, Buck,” he hears Steve say, before he passes out.

 

****

 

Bucky winces as he opens one eye. “Oww,” he moans to himself. His head is killing him. The night before comes flooding back and he sits upright in a panic. Oh dear god, Steve was here and Bucky threw up in front of him. But Steve was here. He’s okay. He’s not dead. And he seemed upset when he thought Sam was Bucky’s date or something, so maybe Steve didn’t ghost him. Maybe Bucky got it all wrong?

He manages to drag himself out of bed to grab aspirin and water before standing in the shower for a good twenty minutes. He still feels like crap, but slightly more functioning crap, by the time he’s managed to get himself dressed. It’s different than yesterday. Yesterday he felt defeated and lost. Today…today there’s maybe a little bit of hope spiraling its way into his chest.

He checks his phone to find it’s almost noon and there’s a message from Sam, checking if he’s okay. He types a quick reply of ‘hungover, kill me’ and leaves it at that. There’s no message from Steve. Bucky frowns. Shouldn’t he be checking in if he still cares? He said something about tomorrow, didn’t he? Maybe Bucky made that up in his drunken state? He’s pretty sure Steve said that though.

He sighs to himself, feeling very muddled and confused, and starts rubbing his hair with his towel to dry it off, pondering if he should finally get it trimmed, when there’s a knock at his door. His heart leaps and then he feels kinda sick at the same time.

He leaves the towel on the bed and heads over to open the door to find Steve standing there, holding a brown paper bag in one hand and what Bucky prays is coffee in the other. The cup is from his favourite café—the same one he took Steve to after falling on him. Bucky forgets about the coffee as he looks at Steve though. He looks so handsome, his hair like a golden halo round his head, the sounds of angels singing invading Bucky’s head as he looks at him. He’s so handsome that Bucky can’t even take it all in. Also though, does Steve just keep picking his door locks or something, cause how does he get in the downstairs door, Bucky wonders as he stares at Steve.

“Hi,” Steve says with a tentative smile.

“Hey,” Bucky replies when he manages to get words out.

“Um, I got coffee for you. And cannoli,” he says, raising the bag up as evidence.

Bucky’s heart beats a little faster. Steve brought him stuff. That’s a good sign. That’s definitely a good sign. “Well I guess you can come in then,” Bucky grins a little, attempting to appear more confident than he feels, taking the coffee as Steve offers it out.

“How’re you feeling?” Steve asks as he closes the door behind him.

“Been better,” Bucky admits, padding back over to sit on the edge of his bed, shoving his towel out the way.

Steve stands nearby, placing the cannoli down on the kitchen counter, watching Bucky as he takes a sip of coffee. Ugh, Steve got it just black like he likes it and it’s wonderous. He wonders if weeping at Steve’s feet would be too much? Bucky tries to pull himself and his thoughts together. “I think you were going to give me an explanation?” Bucky prompts when Steve doesn’t say anything.

“Sorry, yeah,” Steve murmurs. “It’s just really good to see you.”

He looks Bucky up and down as he says that. Bucky bites his lower lip and looks down at the floor. He doesn’t need Steve saying that sort of thing to him right now, not when all he wants to do is have Steve’s arms wrapped around him. But he can’t. Not until Steve explains what the hell has been going on.

“I didn’t mean to disappear on you,” Steve starts, and Bucky looks back up. “We were attacked at Avengers Tower and then we had to go after them, and we’ve been gone doing that for the last few weeks. And my phone got broken in the attack and so I didn’t have your number, so I didn’t have a way to contact you. And it’s been killing me cause I knew what you might think, but believe me, if I didn’t want to see you, I would be a man about it and tell you that. But I do. Want to see you, I mean. I’ve been thinking about you every day.” Steve looks completely genuine and earnest, but completely nervous and worried at the same time, as he stands there looking at Bucky with these imploring eyes, the words coming out as one big rush of breath.

Bucky never considered a broken phone. It’s a pretty good excuse, he has to admit. There wouldn’t be any way for Steve to contact him, cause he assumes Steve’s stuff does not get stored in a cloud somewhere, probably far too confidential for that risk, and it wasn’t like he could just leave when he was off saving the world or whatever. Bucky feels like an idiot for all the things he’s been thinking for the last few weeks. “I thought maybe you didn’t want to do this anymore,” he admits, waving his coffee cup between them.

“Literally the furthest thing from my mind, Buck. I couldn’t wait to get back to you,” Steve tells him with a little vulnerable smile.

Bucky’s heart soars and he feels warmth in the pit of his stomach at Steve’s words. And he called him _Buck_ again. Bucky has no idea why he loves that so much, but he does. “And then I threw up in front of you.” Bucky shakes his head at how embarrassing he’d been yesterday. He hasn’t been that much of a mess in years so of course it had to happen in front of the most perfect man on the planet. Maybe on all the planets. Hmm, he wonders what Steve knows about aliens and stuff. He should ask him.

Steve’s smile turns teasing, pulling Bucky out of his thought spiral. “I have to admit, I sort of pictured sweeping you into my arms the minute I saw you, so that wasn’t totally what I expected,” he says with a little amused exhale of breath.

Bucky looks up at him and puts his coffee down on the floor, before gathering his courage and standing up. “Do you, um...do you want to do that now?” he offers, his heart beating wildly because now he knows Steve still wants him, and frankly he’s been dying to be in Steve’s arms for weeks.

Steve’s face changes from amused to a look of pure affection and he quickly closes the gap between them and crushes Bucky to his chest.

Bucky focuses really hard on not crying, because that’s all he really wants to do right then. He blames his hangover. He buries his face in Steve’s shoulder, breathing in his warm woodsy scent. “I really missed you,” he mumbles into Steve’s coat.

“I missed you too,” Steve replies, and his hand moves to stroke over Bucky’s damp hair, setting Bucky’s nerves alight.

“And you’re okay?” Bucky asks as they finally pull away. “You didn’t get hurt?”

“I’m fine,” Steve says with a little smile.

“Good. That’s good.” Bucky had tried hard to not let himself imagine scenarios where Steve got hurt, but the thoughts had crept in anyway. Bucky thanks god he’s fine. Or fine enough. Steve’s little smile didn’t really fool him into thinking he’s completely fine, but maybe it’s not his business to push about that. Not yet anyway.

“So, um…” Steve starts, “I guess we need to talk about this.” He looks anxious all of a sudden.

“Didn’t we just do that?” Bucky asks with a little confused frown.

Steve gives him a little sad smile. “I mean, I know I mentioned that I sometimes go off and do things like this, but I know that experiencing it is probably different than being told about it. So, um, I do get it really, if you want to…” he seems to struggle for words for a moment, “…take a step back or something?”

Steve sort of looks like saying that is killing him and Bucky is once again struck by just how _decent_ a person he is. No way is Bucky going to be stupid enough to let him go. Bucky fixes him with his best ‘are you kidding?’ look. “The way I figure it, all we really need to do is get you to write my phone number down somewhere safe so if this happens again, you can contact me,” he tells Steve.

Steve blinks at him. “Really?” He looks so sweet and vulnerable that Bucky can hardly stand it.

Bucky decides to be a little more honest and lets out a small sigh. “Okay, yes, it sucked, but that was mostly because I didn’t know what was going on. If you have to go away again…well, okay, it will still suck, but I can handle it. I can handle missing you if I know you’re coming back,” he tells Steve boldly.

Steve smiles sweetly at him, like he can’t believe it. “Just when I think you can’t get any more amazing…” he says, shaking his head a little.

Bucky feels his face getting hot and he looks down at the floor.

“Oh god,” Steve murmurs. “Don’t do that.”

“What?” Bucky frowns, looking up again.

“Blush,” Steve says with an affectionate smile. “I don’t think I can handle it.”

Bucky figures he’s probably blushing even more now. “Stop that,” he complains, embarrassed, looking away again, but in seconds Steve’s fingers are under his jaw, gently making him look up.

“Buck…” he murmurs, his voice low, the sound of it sending shivers through Bucky. He steps even closer and now he’s staring at Bucky’s lips.

Bucky reaches out to grip onto the collar of Steve’s coat and Steve closes the distance between them and Bucky just about melts when Steve’s lips touch his because it feels so good to be kissing Steve again after more than three long and lonely weeks. One of Steve’s hands stays on his jaw but the other presses against Bucky’s lower back, pressing their bodies close together, so all that exists is just them, wrapped up in each other, trading deep, languid kisses. Bucky breathes Steve in, feeling enveloped by him, perfectly content to drown in him.

When they eventually pull away, Steve looks just as thrilled as Bucky feels.

 

****

 

It turns out that Bucky’s Christmas miracle isn’t just a fluke like he thought. Steve stays for the rest of the day and everything looks brighter in Bucky’s life. His apartment somehow seems to be letting more light in, the colours more vibrant, Steve’s blue eyes looking the brightest they’ve ever looked.

They spend the rest of the afternoon just talking, about anything and everything. They share the cannoli Steve brought and Steve tells him a bit about the mission he’d been on. Bucky gives Steve his number again to put into his new phone. Steve also decides that he’ll make sure Bucky has a number he can call and he’ll put him on an authorised list so he can get information about Steve if he’s ever away.

“Um, about that?” Bucky starts, and Steve looks at him a little curiously. “I sorta need to tell Sam something after last night. He’s gonna want to know why you were here. Can I tell him about you?” he asks, a little worried that Steve won’t want him to, because he figures superheroes probably like keeping secrets and he and Steve are super new anyway.

“Sure,” Steve says with a smile, before he looks a little curious and maybe nervous at the same time. “What would you tell him?” He shifts a little where he’s sitting opposite Bucky on the bed.

“Um, I guess that we’re dating?” Bucky offers, hoping that’s okay.

Steve nods. “Sounds good,” he says, looking down at his hands for a moment.

“Sam’s cool, he won’t go blabbing to anyone,” Bucky continues, because Steve seems a little quiet. He hopes he’s not worried about Sam knowing.

Steve looks up and gives Bucky a slightly bemused smile. “When did you get it into your head that I want to keep this secret?” he says with a little frown at the end of his sentence.

Bucky pushes his hair back behind his ear and shrugs. “I just figured…I mean, you didn’t want to tell your friends,” he starts, while Steve opens his mouth in protest, “which is totally cool, I get that,” he continues before Steve can interrupt, “and I just thought…I mean, are you even out?” he can’t help asking, wincing a little.

Steve just shrugs. “No one’s ever asked. So I guess I’m not out but I’m not _not_ out, if that makes sense?” He smiles at Bucky. “I have no problem with people knowing about us. I only want to make sure you’re protected. I don’t want the press or anyone hounding you.” He sighs. “As for my teammates…that’s only because they are some of the nosiest people I’ve ever met and I know for sure that they’ll hound you.” He presses his lips together in a thin line, annoyance clear on his face.

Bucky chuckles lightly at the look. “Okay. So how about this…we’re not secret, but we’re not telling people our business unnecessarily. I’ll tell Sam, because he saw you, and I’ll have to tell Becca cause if she finds out Sam knew and she didn’t then she’ll literally murder me, and then we’ll tell people on a need to know basis?” Bucky offers.

Steve just smiles again at him. “Whatever you want, Buck.”

“Okay,” Bucky confirms. He looks at his clock and realises it’s later than he thought. They should probably be thinking about dinner soon. “So…do you have plans tonight?” he asks, still not entirely sure how much time is too much time to ask to spend with Steve.

Steve glances at the clock. “Damn, I didn’t realise it was so late. I’m supposed to be meeting my teammates at the tower in twenty minutes.”

“Oh,” Bucky says, disappointment running through him.

“It’s just this thing they like to do after a mission, to unwind together. Supposed to be good for team bonding, I suppose.” Steve looks apologetic. “But could we do something tomorrow?” he asks, eyes hopeful.

“Yeah, I’d like that. I’m not working,” Bucky tells him, feeling a little beam of happiness go through him because even though Steve can’t stay now, he wants to come back tomorrow. Because he wants to hang out with him. Because Steve likes him. Bucky still can’t quite believe it.

“Okay,” Steve smiles like he’s trying not to beam. “I’ll text you later?” he offers.

“Yeah,” Bucky smiles back as Steve gets up from the bed, the thing creaking under his weight.

Bucky follows him to the door. Once Steve’s pulled on his coat and shoes, he pauses for a moment at the door. “Thank you, Buck.” He looks into Bucky’s eyes as he says it, and Bucky knows he’s saying so much more than a simple ‘thank you’.

Bucky leans in and kisses him, just a light brush of their lips together, because if he does anything more then he won’t want to let Steve leave. Hell, he already doesn’t. “Tomorrow,” he says when he pulls away, and Steve looks at him like he just cured cancer or something.

“Tomorrow,” Steve promises, and then with another quick kiss, he’s out the door.

Bucky gets out his phone and calls Sam to come over immediately.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you're wondering, which you probably aren't, the chapter titles are Placebo songs. Why? Because I love Placebo and felt like it. Also the fic title is from a Counting Crows song.
> 
> I really hope you're enjoying this so far, let me know in the comments? I'd love to hear from you.
> 
> Ooh also, some Steve POV coming up in the next chapter yay :D


	3. Too Many Friends

“Wait…so you’re telling me you’re dating Captain America?” Sam asks, face confused like he’s just been asked to solve an impossible math problem.

“No, I’m dating Steve Rogers,” Bucky says again.

“Who is Captain America.”

“Well, yes,” Bucky confirms.

“So you’re dating Captain America?” Sam says again.

“How many times do you need to say it before you believe it?” Bucky frowns at him from where he’s sitting on his bed.

Sam still looks staggered. “It’s just so ridiculous. You fall on the guy and he happens to be Captain America, and you being you, you don’t even notice, and now you’re dating him?” he says, voice incredulous. “That sounds like the plot to some crappy romcom.”

Bucky glowers at him. “Well fuck you very much. That’s my life you’re talking about.”

Sam chuckles at his fake outrage. “Okay, okay, I’m sorry. You have to admit, it sounds crazy,” Sam continues, pacing around the room as he talks.

Bucky slumps down on his bed. “Ugh, why do I even tell you things.”

Sam chuckles again and sits next to him, patting his leg. “Aww don’t be like that, peach-pie. I’m happy for you. It’s just nuts.” He’s quiet for a minute. “Hey,” he says, as though an idea has just occurred to him. “Can he introduce me to Black Widow? That woman is fine.”

Bucky rolls his eyes at his friend’s most pressing concern. “Maybe if we’re still together in a year.”

“A year?” Sam looks over at him. “Shit, this is serious.” His face turns into his serious friend face.

Bucky feels his cheeks getting red. “No, we’re just dating.” He doesn’t need Sam to know how hard he’s already fallen for Steve, he’ll never hear the end of it.

“You’re thinking about a year from now,” Sam points out. “You really, really like him, don’t you?”

Sam sounds a little incredulous about that. It _is_ pretty strange for him, so he knows why Sam is surprised. He doesn’t know if it’s because of his arm or because of his age or just because it’s Steve, but suddenly he’s become someone who dates, not just someone who hooks up with people. Bucky didn’t realise Sam would notice how much he does care, but he guesses he’s forgotten that he can’t hide anything from Sam. “I think he might be the most amazing person I’ve ever met,” he admits.

Sam coughs. “Excuse you, look who’s sitting right here?” he says, tapping himself on the chest.

Bucky smirks. “Except you, babydoll. No one compares to you.”

Sam nods. “Damn right.”

“Anyway, I’m telling you and Becca, but that’s it. We don’t want it out there, okay, so no telling anyone,” he warns Sam.

“He’s keeping you secret?” Sam frowns, protective friend mode engaged.

Bucky shakes his head. “We agreed. There could be press and stuff bugging me if they find out, so we’re just being careful. Not hiding, but not putting it out there either,” he explains. Sam’s concern for him is so sweet, but unnecessary.

Sam seems satisfied with that. “Alright then.” Sam looks at him for a few moments. “You seem really happy.”

Bucky shrugs. “He’s nice.” He laughs at himself in his head. It’s the very least he could say about Steve, but he doesn’t want to gush over him. He’s thinking about him every minute anyway, he doesn’t need to start saying his thoughts out loud.

“Yeah, he seemed like a good guy when we talked yesterday, which is good, cause I don’t think even Logan and me combined could take him if he hurt you,” Sam jokes.

Bucky smirks and kicks Sam’s leg gently. “But you’d still try for me, right?” he says, making his eyes wide and fluttering his eyelashes at him.

Sam rolls his eyes. “Anything for you. Now come on, tell me about everything else I’ve missed.”

 

****

 

Catching up with Sam is great. Bucky’s pleased to find out he already has a job with the local VA lined up, which is awesome. He knows Sam will be great at that. They decide to head out for dinner to celebrate and get Becca to meet them at Sam’s favourite burger place. Bucky figures he may as well tell them both that day to get it out the way.

Becca’s thrilled to see Sam. They’ve all known each other forever and Becca pretty much sees Sam as her other big brother.

“It’s gonna be like old times, all of us just hanging out,” she says excitedly as she takes a sip of her ice cream float from where she’s sitting opposite them in a booth.

“I don’t know about that,” Sam says in a singsong voice, with a little tilt of his head.

Becca’s face falls. “What do you mean?”

“Might have to make way for a fourth,” he smirks, while Bucky fixes him with a scowl, which he ignores.

Becca frowns at Sam. “A fourth?” Then her face brightens. “Are you seeing someone?”

Sam chuckles. “I’m talking about your brother’s boyfriend.” He takes a sip of his Coke, looking very pleased with himself.

Bucky groans and rolls his eyes. “He’s not my boyfriend.”

Becca ignores him, directing her question at Sam. “You mean Steve? That asshole ghosted. He is _definitely_ not in our group,” she scowls.

Bucky shifts uncomfortably. “Yeah, about that…” he starts.

Becca fixes him with a look. “You didn’t?” she glares. She already seems to know what he’s going to say. “He thinks he can just turn back up after what, a month? You deserve so much better than that, don’t let him do that to you.”

Bucky’s touched by her protectiveness, but it’s misplaced. “He had a good reason,” he starts to explain.

Becca scoffs and rolls her eyes. “Sure he did.” She glances at Sam, who seems to be just about keeping the grin from his face. “Fine, what was his great reason?” she asks, slumping back in the booth dramatically, waving her hand in the air.

Bucky takes a breath. “He’s um, sort of…Captain America?” he says quietly.

Surprisingly, Becca doesn’t laugh. Maybe she can tell Bucky’s serious. “He’s what?” she asks, dumbstruck.

“Steve Rogers, also known as Captain America? He was on a mission, that’s why he couldn’t call, plus his phone broke.” Bucky braces himself for possible screaming.

Becca looks between him and Sam, like trying to decide what to believe. “Sam, did he get hit on the head or something?”

Sam chuckles and lifts his hands. “Hey, I know it sounds crazy, but I saw him at Bucky’s place. It’s true.”

Becca’s eyes widen. “Holy shit,” she breathes out.

“Language,” Bucky scolds her.

“Holy fuck,” she says instead.

Bucky lets out an amused huff. “Much better.”

“Oh my god, can he introduce me to Thor?” she asks, and Sam bursts out laughing.

Bucky facepalms. “Oh god, you two are the worst!”

“I asked if I could meet Black Widow,” Bucky hears Sam explain to Becca.

“Nice.” Becca’s grinning back at Sam and high fives him when Bucky looks up again.

Bucky sighs. They’re both as bad as each other. “I guess that means you’re supportive of it?”

Becca looks at him, a little more serious now. “I guess. As long as he treats you well. But isn’t it weird? You’re basically dating a celebrity.”

Bucky shrugs. “It’s not weird so far.” That’s true. Stupid almost month apart aside, things with Steve are the opposite of weird. Everything feels right again. “We’re keeping stuff private. I’m not gonna be featured in a magazine spread with him anytime soon. Or ever,” he adds, because he can’t think of anything worse. “That means no telling anyone, okay?” he warns her.

Becca mimes zipping her lips shut. “Are we the only ones who know then?” she asks, and Bucky nods at her in confirmation. Becca smiles back. “Cool. We’re like the three musketeers.”

Bucky rolls his eyes at her, puzzled. “Right, cause their whole thing was keeping someone’s boyfriend secret.”

Becca sticks her tongue out at him. “Whatever.”

“Ah ha! Boyfriend!” Sam declares with glee at the same time.

“I meant date!” Bucky glares back, but they both just smirk at him like they’ve just been given a ton of ammo to hit him with later.

Thank god for the waiter who comes to take their orders at that moment, getting them off the topic of Steve for a few minutes at least.

Becca takes another sip of her drink, as the waiter walks away with their menus, and looks thoughtful. “Ooh, do the Avengers know?” she asks, obviously not letting the topic go entirely.

Bucky shakes his head and pushes his hair back. “At least not unless he told them tonight. He says they’re nosy.”

Sam chuckles. “Yeah, I could see that. Got a few spies on that team, haven’t they?”

“Don’t you want to meet them though?” Becca asks. “Or take us to meet them?” she says excitedly.

Bucky chucks his balled-up straw wrapper at her. “I’d want to make a _good_ impression if I did meet them,” he teases.

“Well you better not go then,” she fires back, throwing the wrapper back as well.

Sam laughs at them. “Man, I missed you guys.”

“We know,” Bucky and Becca both say at the same time, and then burst out laughing.

Sam groans. “I take it back, I take it back!” he complains as they both grin at him.

Thankfully they get onto other topics like what Becca’s been up to at school and how Sam’s finding it being back home for good, and it’s just like old times, except when Bucky looks across the table, he can imagine Steve sitting there with them one day, part of his little group, and he can’t help smiling at the idea.

The food arrives just as Bucky’s phone beeps. Bucky reaches for it immediately, a smile coming over his face when he sees it’s Steve, just checking in and hoping he’s having a good evening and saying that he can’t wait to see him tomorrow. Bucky texts back that he’s out with Sam and Becca and that he’s looking forward to tomorrow.

When he looks up again, Becca and Sam are both staring at him with matching smirks on their faces.

“What?” he asks defensively.

“You should see your face,” Sam says, shaking his head.

“My face is how it always is,” Bucky says, frowning purposefully.

Becca’s smirk turns to something softer. She actually looks a little emotional now. “It’s nice,” she comments. “That he makes you smile like that,” she clarifies at Bucky’s look.

Bucky looks down, trying not to smile, but not really succeeding. “Shut up.”

 

****

 

Steve settles back into the sofa at Tony’s penthouse at Avengers Tower and looks round at his teammates, his heart filling with warmth for all of them. These post-mission gatherings are good for moral and help them all wind down, but also help Steve feel closer to his team. It’s been a strange transition to working with these people, but slowly they’re starting to feel more like friends than colleagues. Still, he can’t help wishing he was still at Bucky’s place.

“C’mon Cap, you’re supposed to be relaxing,” Clint says, breaking him out of his thoughts as he sits down and nudges him a little.

Steve startles a little. “What?” he asks, before he realises what Clint said. “I am.”

“Really? You looked real deep in thought,” Clint comments, sipping his beer.

Steve shrugs, trying to cover for himself. “Just thinking about the mission, I guess.”

“That’s the opposite of what these evenings are about,” Tony calls over at him from the bar where he’s pouring himself another drink. He wanders over and places a glass in Steve’s hand, before sitting on the sofa across from him.

“You know this doesn’t do anything for me,” Steve reminds him, sipping it anyway, feeling the scotch burn his throat a little.

“When Thor’s next by we’ll get some of his Asgardian liquor. Way he tells it, that stuff’ll knock you on your ass,” Clint comments.

Natasha sits down next to Steve and takes the drink from his hand, finishing it off. “No point wasting good scotch,” she says at Steve’s look.

Steve sighs at her. “I can still taste it,” he reminds her.

She ignores his protest. “So, how’s the new place working out?”

Steve nods slowly. “Good,” he tells her. “It’s good to be back in Brooklyn.” He’d been living in Manhattan since he woke up but had finally felt ready to go back home to Brooklyn. Of course, home was very different to how he’d left it. It’s taken some time to get used to, sometimes he gets lost in old memories, but mostly he’s starting to like it. He also likes having his own space, away from SHIELD, somewhere where he feels like just Steve. And now of course, Brooklyn has the massive bonus of being where Bucky Barnes just happens to be, so Steve’s truly loving Brooklyn again.

“When are you going to invite us over?” Natasha asks, as Steve marvels at the fact that he stopped thinking about Bucky for all of forty seconds.

“Maybe we can have the next post-mission evening there, when it’s all of us,” Steve tells her, as Thor and Bruce are off elsewhere, not having been called in this time.

From the look on Natasha’s face, she didn’t expect that response. Natasha even looks like she softens a little for a moment, like she’s suddenly become aware that Steve actually likes them. And he does. They’re a good bunch of people, even if he does clash with some of them sometimes. Some of them meaning Tony. But that’s to be expected, doing what they do, and all of them being strong personalities. When they aren’t on duty, so to speak, they’re all a lot easier to get along with.

“I can’t believe you turned down living in my super amazing tower for Brooklyn,” Tony gripes, somehow making _Brooklyn_ sound like a dirty word.

“I prefer somewhere with a little more anonymity,” Steve reminds him, something the big ‘A’ in the sky doesn’t give him.

“Like you have that in Brooklyn. People must recognise you everywhere you go,” Tony throws back.

“You’d be surprised,” Steve murmurs, mostly to himself, and he’s back to thinking about Bucky again. Incredible Bucky, who didn’t recognise him at all when they first met or rather when he’d slipped and fell into Steve’s life. Steve had kept waiting to find that Bucky was just being polite at first, then he waited for the recognition to spark in his eyes, but then he’d realised neither of those was going to happen and Steve couldn’t help but love that. The fact was, ninety percent of the people he met _did_ recognise him, ever since the Chitauri attack in New York had plastered his face all over television screens. It had been so nice to have someone talk to him just as Steve. The fact that that someone was the most gorgeous man he’d ever seen…well, that was a hugely unexpected and incredible bonus. And then Steve had done something he never thought he’d do again and asked for his number. A perfect stranger. But Steve just couldn’t stop himself—something about Bucky drew him in. He hadn’t felt that since he’d woken up.

“Earth to Cap, come in Cap,” Tony drawls at him, waving his hand at him, while Natasha pokes him in his side.

He blinks and tries to focus. “What?”

Tony looks at him and then at Natasha. “What is happening here?”

“Sorry, I’m just a bit worn out,” Steve lies. He’s not great at lying either, he sort of doubts that they believe him, so he excuses himself to go to the bar to pour himself a drink. He takes the time to also send Bucky a quick message hoping his evening is going well and then he adds on that he can’t wait to see him tomorrow, because what the hell. The mission almost completely destroyed any chance he had with Bucky, he’s not going to waste time now trying to play it cool or something.

He can’t even believe how understanding Bucky had been about him being away so long. The whole of the mission, once he’d realised how long they were likely to be gone and how he had no way to contact Bucky, had been awful. He managed to focus, because that was what he was trained to do, but he’d had an awful feeling in the pit of his stomach that wouldn’t go away, knowing that Bucky probably thought he wasn’t interested anymore. And after everything at Christmas, when things had just been perfect…Steve had felt sick to his core.

The day they finally returned, he’d barely been able to contain his excitement and fear at seeing Bucky again, knowing he’d be extremely lucky to be given another chance, and then it was not an exaggeration to say that it felt like his heart broke when he found Bucky with another guy’s arms wrapped round him while Bucky called him babydoll. But then it had all been a misunderstanding and Bucky had been so forgiving and god, then they’d kissed and pressed against each other and…oh god, he really needs to stop thinking about this right now.

He accidently clangs the scotch bottle down against the counter, causing the others to all look over at him while he smiles sheepishly and makes his way back over with a little apology for the noise.

“Seriously, what is happening?” Tony asks again, giving him a funny look.

“What?” Steve asks, when he realises he’s staring at him again.

Tony waves a hand at him. “All this…you’re smiling and you look all hyped up. Did Thor give you some Asgardian drugs to try?” He frowns, as though annoyed he’s been potentially left out.

“I smile,” Steve frowns at him.

“I didn’t know your mouth moved that way,” Clint smirks, joining in on the teasing.

Steve glances at Natasha to see she seems to be coolly observing him. “I…we had a good mission,” Steve says with a wave of his hand, trying to wave off the questions.

His phone vibrates at that moment. He can’t help but check it to see a message from Bucky, saying he’s looking forward to tomorrow too. Steve feels a flood of warmth in his chest at that and the thought that tomorrow is not so far away now.

When he puts his phone away and looks back up, Natasha is smiling slyly at him. “What?” Steve protests again.

“Who was that?” Natasha purrs at him, sounding very self-satisfied, like she’s just figured something out.

“Nobody,” Steve says quickly. Too quickly. He’s an idiot and he’s dropped himself right in it.

“Nobody huh?” Natasha smiles wider. “Does this nobody have a name?”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Tony says, hand gesturing again. “Are you saying Cap’s all smiley because of whoever that message was?”

Steve considers running. He’s very fast, they wouldn’t catch him.

“Damn right I am,” Natasha confirms. “Steve, are you seeing someone?”

Steve sort of wishes something would attack them at that moment, anything to get out of this. But no alarm goes, so salvation doesn’t seem to be in his grasp today. There’s no point denying it. They’ll know. Natasha especially, but Steve just isn’t good at this. He’d be a terrible spy.

Steve takes a breath. “Yes, I’m seeing someone,” he says calmly. If he doesn’t make a big deal of it, maybe they won’t either.

Natasha grins widely while Tony looks flummoxed.

Clint seems the least phased by it. “So where’d you meet her?”

Steve frowns a little. He knows why there’s the assumption that it’s a woman—his teammates aren’t aware of his sexuality—but it still bothers him. He’s never been one to hide though. Or at least not anymore. Back in the day, he had to hide this part of himself, careful not to get caught when he had a few awkward fumbles with men in the army, but now, in this new time, he doesn’t have to hide this. And of all the things he doesn’t want to tell them about this, the fact that he’s dating a man is not one that bothers him.

“I met him on the street in Brooklyn,” Steve says determinedly.

Tony’s eyes practically bug out of his head. Clint can’t hide his surprised look and even Natasha’s normal façade falters just a little.

“Him?” Tony repeats.

“Yes, is that a problem?” Steve asks, fixing him with his best ‘Captain America is disappointed in you’ stare.

“No, no,” Tony says hurriedly. “Just trying to picture it…” He trails off, still looking stunned.

“Please don’t.” Steve rolls his eyes.

“Is this why you asked me about voicemail?” Clint pipes up.

“Yes,” Steve replies honestly. When he first met Bucky, he’d occasionally gone to Clint for hypothetical advice, cleverly hidden in his ‘aw shucks, I don’t know about the twenty-first century’ thing that he likes to use from time to time, because people still think it’s so hard for him to figure stuff out.

“So have you done a background check on him?” is Natasha’s first question.

“Yes, of course, that’s the first thing I did after I asked him out,” Steve replies sarcastically. It feels a little odd on his tongue, he’s not a sarcastic person in general, but it’s such a ridiculous thing to ask that he can’t help it.

“It should be,” Natasha says, frowning at his tone.

Steve sighs. “He’s fine. There’s nothing to worry about.” Bucky’s the sweetest guy he’s ever met. Steve doesn’t need a background check to tell him that.

Natasha looks far from convinced, but for some reason—perhaps the look on Steve’s face—she lets it go.

“So what’s his name?” Clint asks, once again proving to be Steve’s most unphased friend.

“Please, I’m not giving you his name so Natasha can stalk him,” Steve says, playfully disdainful. He’s not an idiot.

“And how long has this been going on?” Tony chips in again.

“Since Christmas,” Steve tells him, hoping to answer a couple of questions and that will be that.

“That’s why you didn’t spend it with us? Because you were with him?” Natasha asks in a flat tone. She doesn’t sound hurt, Natasha doesn’t show emotions like that, but Steve wonders if she is.

“He was going to be alone, so we were alone together,” Steve tells her. “I didn’t want to ditch you guys, it was just…it was nice to be with him.” That’s an understatement. It had been wonderful. Christmas had ceased to be an exciting time for him since his mother had died, but Bucky had made it special again. Steve had gone a little overboard, decorating Bucky’s place and cooking for him, but Bucky had invited him to stay and Steve had just felt so happy. He hadn’t felt that in a long time. He’d felt at peace for once.

“Well I’m happy for you,” Clint says decisively.

“Thank you.” Steve appreciates it. He never really had friends growing up, not until the Commandos, but it feels good to know that he’s got some now.

“I want to meet him,” Natasha declares.

“Me too,” Tony chimes in.

“No and no,” Steve tells them sternly. Then he feels a little bad. “At least not yet. We’re only just getting started, it’s not time to terrify him with the likes of you,” he jokes.

Natasha leans back in her chair and sighs, as though accepting that she can be scary. “Fine. But don’t leave us hanging too long,” she says with a soft smile. “I need to meet the man who makes you smile like that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got a lot of a later chapter written today, so you got another chapter today 😁 Hope you liked the first bit in Steve's POV. It's sprinkled throughout this fic.
> 
> Thank you so much for your kudos and comments so far. Repeat commenters, you own my heart. 💝 If you haven't commented before, I'd love to hear what you think so far? It's honestly the most motivating thing to know if you're enjoying it and what you hope happens next.
> 
> Next chapter...minor sexy times ahead.


	4. Second Sight

“Thanks for this, Miss Parker” Bucky says again, touching his hair. He’s just popped downstairs and she’s been kind enough to once again tie his hair back for him.

“How many times do I have to tell you, it’s May,” she smiles at him.

“Always once more,” he replies with a grin like always.

“Hey, Aunt May, do you need help with lunch?” a voice comes from the other room and then Peter appears round the corner. “Oh, hey, Mr. Barnes,” he says as he notices Bucky there.

“Hey, Peter,” Bucky acknowledges him. Peter is May’s nephew. He’s apparently super smart, from what May has told him, but Bucky never really sees him around, so they don’t ever talk much. “I better get out of your hair,” he smiles at May.

“Can’t tempt you into staying for lunch?” May offers.

Bucky shakes his head. “I’d love to, but there’s a reason I got you to help me get all pretty,” he jokes.

May looks pleased. “Well look at this. He smiles,” she says with a grin. “Whoever it is you’re getting pretty for, they sure seem to be a good influence.”

Bucky feels himself blushing. It’s true though. Steve’s definitely brought back a side of himself that hadn’t been coming out much lately. “Thanks again,” he says, with a wave of his hand, before he lets himself out as they say goodbye to him.

Bucky takes the stairs back up to his apartment quickly, as he’s only got a few minutes before Steve should be getting there. He looks in the mirror, happy with his hair now. Steve said he liked it up on their first date, so Bucky figured he’d put it up again. He’s in dark jeans, as he almost always is and a slightly large, dark blue sweater, which is a little faded from the years he’s had it, but at least he has new sneakers on. It’s another thing his parents got him for Christmas, so obviously Becca had told them he needed some and told them the kind he liked and then graciously brought them back with her, so at least his feet will be warm. He thinks he looks pretty good for once.

He’s not actually sure what Steve wants to do today, he just said he’d come over around one, and Bucky can’t wait to see him. Happily, Steve is always punctual.

“Hi,” Steve says, face lighting up as Bucky opens the door.

As always, Bucky is slightly thrown by just how attractive the man is. He wonders if he’ll ever get used to it. “Hey, Stevie,” Bucky smiles, moving back so Steve can come in. “Did you bring me more treats?” he asks, as he notices Steve has a paper bag in his hand.

Steve looks down at it. “Oh, uh, sort of. Not edible I’m afraid,” he says, handing the bag over.

Bucky’s curious as he peers into the bag to see a book. He takes the bag over to his kitchen counter and carefully shakes the book out. It’s the newest one from Andy Weir. Bucky looks over at Steve, slightly stunned.

“I saw you were reading _The Martian_ and I thought you might like this one too,” Steve explains, looking over at Bucky’s bedside table briefly, where his dog-eared copy of that book is sitting.

Bucky’s going to need Steve to stop being the perfect man, because there is no way Bucky’s ever done anything to deserve him. “I can’t believe you got me this,” Bucky says in wonder.

Steve goes just a little pink. “It’s just a book,” he shrugs.

 _Just a book_. More like Steve noticed his book, looked up the author, found out about his other book and then got it for Bucky, all because he thought Bucky might like it. Bucky’s heart is soaring at how thoughtful Steve is. “You know most people just bring flowers,” he jokes, to stop himself gushing at Steve.

“I could do that,” Steve offers with a shy smile.

Bucky lets out an amused huff. He’s sort of tempted to ask Steve for a pony and see if he delivers on that. He lifts the book instead. “Well, thank you. It’s really nice of you.” He’s going to have to start being better at this whole dating thing. Steve keeps bringing him stuff and Bucky’s done literally nothing for him. It’s not that he doesn’t want to, but he’s just never really been a romantic kind of guy if he’s honest with himself. Plus, he’s never been a relationship kind of guy, so things like gifts have never really come up.

“You’re welcome,” Steve smiles easily, putting his hands in his coat pockets. “I thought maybe we could catch a movie today? Clint said there’s this theatre in Park Slope that shows older films and they’re replaying _Star Wars_ today. I thought maybe you’d like that, cause of your reading material? Plus, I haven’t seen it and Clint makes fun of me for it.”

Bucky’s heart feels so warm it might be setting on fire. “That sounds like a plan,” he smiles at Steve. It sounds so normal, just spending a Sunday afternoon with his…Steve, watching space battles.

“Great.” Steve looks really happy. “The next showing is in forty minutes so we could walk there in time for that,” he suggests.

Bucky nods and goes to grab his coat from the hooks by the door. Once he’s got that on, he turns to Steve. “Ready to go?”

Steve nods, eyes looking him up and down. “Mmmhmm. You look really great, by the way,” he adds, eyes meeting Bucky’s. “I meant to say that before.”

Bucky stares at him for about a second before he grabs Steve’s collar and slams their lips together, causing Steve to stumble a little so his back hits the door. Bucky can’t stop himself, he’s got one leg shoved between Steve’s and he’s pressing close against him, exploring his mouth, nipping his bottom lip, hand scratching through Steve’s short, soft hair. Steve makes this cute little whimpering noise as Bucky loses himself in the wet, soft slide of their lips together.

It takes him a little while to come to his senses, but Steve doesn’t stop him in the meantime, giving as good as he gets. When Bucky finally pulls back, Steve looks all messed up, lips red and a little plumper, hair all in disarray, and his pupils are blown wide.

Bucky swallows and licks his lips and then pulls himself together. “Let’s go see _Star Wars_ ,” he declares, as though he didn’t just kiss Steve like his life depended on it.

Steve’s hazy eyes seem to focus again. “Right. _Star Wars_ ,” he murmurs.

 

****

 

Steve seems to enjoy the movie. Bucky’s already seen it many times, of course, so he mostly spends the movie enjoying sitting next to Steve and just being in his company again. Steve is again being the perfect gentleman and date. He insisted on paying for the tickets, so Bucky insisted right back that he get the popcorn and drinks, which ended up basically costing almost the same as the tickets. What is it with movie theatres and food prices?

They grab seats in the back row and share popcorn until it gradually disappears during the movie and then after that, Steve’s hand ends up resting on Bucky’s leg. From that point on, Bucky has no real idea what’s happening on screen, he’s way more focused on Steve’s hand and how his fingers occasionally move when Steve shuffles in his seat. He wonders if Steve knows that just that touch is making his whole leg tingle. He probably doesn’t, Bucky figures. It’s strange how much it affects him.

After focusing on Steve’s hand for a good twenty minutes, he decides to take action and reaches down to lace his fingers over Steve’s. Steve curls his fingers inwards at the touch, so for the rest of the movie, they’re holding hands, with Steve’s thumb tracing across Bucky’s little finger.

When the movie ends, Bucky unhappily moves his hand from on top of Steve’s, because he’s not sure if Steve wants to be seen doing that, just in case someone recognises him. Bucky smiles at him as they stand up. “So…did you like it?”

Steve nods at him. “Yeah, it was great. Very…different. I haven’t really seen anything like that before.”

Bucky nods. “Well there’s another two originals after this, so maybe we can watch those sometime too?” he suggests, pulling his coat back on as people start clearing out of the theatre.

Steve nods at him with a pleased smile on his lips. “Definitely.”

They head out to the lobby and Bucky excuses himself to go to the bathroom. When he comes back, he finds Steve’s been cornered by a couple of women. His first thought is that they’re flirting with him and damn, does that put a frown on his face, but as he gets closer, he realises they’re asking him if they can take pictures with him. _And_ probably also flirting with him.

Steve seems to be saying yes, his usual polite self, so Bucky hangs back a few feet away and tries to pretend he’s not watching even though he is. It’s the first time he’s seen someone recognise Steve and it’s actually really weird. At least they seem respectful though, eyelash batting aside. He hears Steve tell them he hopes they enjoy their movie, and they don’t try to linger further, leaving him be, giggling a little to each other as they walk past Bucky.

Bucky waits till they get round the corner before he walks over to Steve. “You’re really nice, you know,” he says, nudging Steve with his elbow.

“Hmm?” Steve says, eyes brightening as he sees Bucky. “Oh, that,” he says in realisation, looking in the direction of where the women went. “You saw that?” He sounds a little embarrassed.

“Yep,” Bucky replies. “Does that happen a lot?”

Steve shrugs. “Sadly not everyone is as oblivious as you,” he grins.

Bucky’s eyes widen before he fixes Steve with an unimpressed stare. “Wow.” He punches Steve lightly on the arm. “You really are a punk. I’m surprised people don’t know that about you.”

Steve smirks at him. “They’re too busy looking for the old-fashioned gentleman to see the other side of me.”

“Oh, I see your game, Rogers,” Bucky says fake disapprovingly, as they start to walk out the theatre. “Hiding behind the gentleman façade before revealing your true sassy self, huh?”

Steve smiles at him, looking thoroughly amused with himself as they get out onto the street. “It’s working on you,” he says with another little shrug.

Bucky raises his eyebrows at him as they stand still outside for a moment, looking at each other. “Oh you think so, huh?”

“Oh definitely,” Steve replies, a look of mock seriousness on his face. “Like right now, you’re definitely going to let me walk you home, like a perfect gentleman.”

Bucky tries really hard to look like he has to consider it, before giving in. “Well, you’ve got me there,” he admits with a grin.

Steve smiles back warmly and they turn to start walking. After a couple of steps, Steve reaches out and takes Bucky’s hand, clasping it gently in his.

Bucky looks down in surprise. He didn’t expect Steve to be wanting to do anything so blatant in public. Someone could easily see them and recognise him, even though Steve’s pulled his hat on now. He looks up at Steve, probably with a surprised look on his face.

“It’s gentlemanly to hold your date’s hand,” Steve explains, eyes warm, but looking a little nervous. “Is that okay?”

Bucky manages to recover from his surprise. “Well, if it’s gentlemanly then how can I say no?” he says with a soft smile, because if Steve’s okay with it then he’s fine with it. He laces his fingers through Steve’s and Steve smiles even more, before they continue walking hand in hand back to his place.

 

****

 

“I had a really great time,” Steve tells him when they get to Bucky’s front steps.

“Well, how couldn’t you, it was _Star Wars_ ,” Bucky sasses back, and Steve rolls his eyes at him.

Even though they’ve just spent the afternoon together, Bucky really doesn’t want Steve to go. “Hey, um, if you want, I have the next _Star Wars_ on DVD,” he offers. “Cause I know you’re probably dying to know what happens next, so I mean, I guess it would be cool if you want to come up and watch it,” he says, making it sound like a real imposition to him.

Steve looks pleasantly surprised. “Well, if it’s not too much bother, I would love to see more of… _Star Wars_ ,” he says.

Bucky tries very hard to not grin at him. “Well, yeah. It’s really obvious how much you like… _Star Wars_ ,” he replies, leaving the same little pause in there that Steve did, biting his lower lip out of habit.

“What’s not to like?” Steve says with an almost naughty little grin.

Bucky turns to the door to unlock it, because he can’t hold back his smile anymore. He loves Steve flirting with him. “C’mon then,” he tells Steve as he leads the way inside.

Steve walks behind him up the stairs and when Bucky glances back, Steve’s eyes suddenly dart upwards and Bucky mentally high-fives himself, because Steve was definitely staring at his ass just then. Steve puts the most innocent look on his face, as though he wasn’t just caught blatantly ogling him and Bucky turns his head forward so Steve doesn’t see his smirk.

Bucky lets them into his apartment and he waits for a moment as Steve turns to close the door behind them and then he can’t help himself. He pushes Steve back against the door, much as he did before they left, and leans in to kiss him, hand stroking down Steve’s face. Steve seems surprised, before his large hands find Bucky’s face, one wrapping round the back of his head, ensuring Bucky can’t really pull away, or at least giving the illusion that he can’t. It’s pretty damn hot, having Steve holding him like that.

At some point, the lingering, slow kisses become more urgent, a little fiercer. Bucky hears a little moan come from Steve, which he wants to hear over and over again, and Steve is kissing Bucky for all he’s worth. He finally breaks away from Bucky’s lips and Bucky mourns the loss, but only for a second, as Steve moves his lips to Bucky’s neck, and sweet Jesus, Bucky hasn’t felt anything like this in a long time. He can hear himself panting as Steve turns him into a quivering wreck, but he’s too turned on to be embarrassed. His whole body feels electrified.

He presses himself up against Steve as close as he can get, subconsciously trying to fuse them together somehow so they never have to stop this, until he feels something rock hard and sizable pressing against his hip. But instead of pulling away, like the fear is trying to tell him to, he presses up against it and revels in the friction he gets.

Steve moans again and whispers his name as his lips sadly stop their onslaught on Bucky’s neck, his hand tangling into Bucky’s hair now.

Bucky opens his eyes to find Steve staring at him, those bright blue eyes darkened with lust and want. “We should lie down,” Bucky suggests at the exact same time as Steve says, “we should stop.”

Bucky feels himself flush with embarrassment as he realises what Steve said. “Right, sorry, you’re right,” he mumbles, pulling away from Steve’s grasp, except Steve doesn’t let him get far.

“No, wait,” Steve says, concern on his face. “I just thought…you wanted to take things slow, right? I didn’t mean…” He trails off and looks at Bucky, waiting for a response.

Of course. Steve’s just being his usual perfect gentleman self, for real, because of course he is. Bucky feels less stupid. “I mean, there’s slow and then there’s _slow_ ,” Bucky comments, heart pounding as he waits for Steve’s reaction. Somehow the weeks away from Steve have done their cliché thing and made Bucky want him even more. He’s not so concerned about going slow right at this moment.

“Um, so…” Steve looks like he wants to ask what that covers exactly but can’t quite find it in him to.

“So, get outta that coat and kiss me again,” Bucky tells him, cause honestly, he’s not entirely sure what he means either, but he’s just gonna go with it and see what happens. He really just wants Steve’s lips back on his and his body pressed against him. Bucky starts getting out of his own coat and toes off his sneakers.

Steve takes a second and then starts slipping out of his coat, dumping it on a chair as they make their way further into the room, as well as kicking off his shoes, and Bucky steps back to the bed, before he sits down and waits for Steve to join him. Steve does, standing in front of him, still looking a little unsure, until Bucky grabs his shirt and yanks him forward until Steve has no choice but to crawl onto the bed over Bucky as Bucky lies down sideways on from the headboard.

Steve quickly gets with the program as Bucky kisses him again and he starts kissing back just as enthusiastically as before. He holds himself up until Bucky presses his hand down on Steve’s neck and wraps a leg round him to press their bodies together again and Steve lets him, and then there’s that delicious friction again. Bucky doesn’t even care that if they keep going, he’ll probably come in his pants, which is so very high school and maybe not very refined of them. But he really doesn’t care. It feels safe. He wants desperately to feel Steve against him like this and he feels oddly comfortable with it, where he thought he might be nervous.

Steve’s back to making those sweet moaning sounds as Bucky grinds against him. Steve moans out Bucky’s name again, in between kisses, and that turns him on even more—to hear Steve sounding wrecked, saying _his_ name. God, it’s too good, hearing those sounds and feeling Steve’s considerable erection pressed up against his own, even if it is through clothing. They keep grinding, and Steve latches onto his right earlobe, and it’s just too good, Bucky can’t stop himself, and he stops breathing for a second as he crashes over the edge, coming hard and fast, and then he’s just panting as the pleasure overwhelms him.

“Oh god, Buck,” Steve chokes out, and Bucky manages to keep his wits about him enough to press down with his leg, Steve’s cock pressing into his hip, and then Bucky gets to see the most gorgeous view as Steve tenses up as he comes too, his breath coming in choked gasps as though taken by surprise at the feeling.

Steve’s considerable weight drops down onto him, but Bucky can just about manage it, because he can tell that Steve’s doing his best to not rest his entire weight on him as he comes down, thoughtful even when he looks as completely blissed out as Bucky feels. Steve eventually shifts over to the side, but he keeps a hand possessively resting on Bucky’s stomach and he’s turned inwards towards him.

“That was…” Steve breathes, and Bucky turns slightly so he can look at Steve.

“Yeah?” he asks, feeling a little shy, meeting Steve’s eyes. He hasn’t come with anyone else in at least a year and turns out it’s kind of nerve-wracking after. Especially as he realises again, without his lust haze, what a teenage thing that was to do.

“God, yeah,” Steve groans. “I can’t even think right now.”

Bucky leans in and kisses Steve gently. “Good. That’s sort of the aim,” he grins, happy Steve’s happy.

Steve lets out this breath, that makes him sound _very_ satisfied as he rolls onto his back, while Bucky can’t stop just looking at him and smiling.

“I, um, might need to borrow some underwear,” Steve says after a couple of minutes.

Bucky bursts out laughing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear they'll get better at the whole sex thing.
> 
> Thank you for your comments and kudos! Hope you're enjoying ❤️


	5. Come Home

God, Steve is bored. He’s in a briefing, doodling on his information pack, while he pretends to listen to whatever some SHIELD agent is saying. This has to be his least favourite part of his job, if that’s what being Captain America even is. They want to send him out on some mission, but all Steve really cares about is how long it will likely take. He never used to care about being gone, it always served as a good distraction, but now he has something, someone, that he doesn’t want to leave for too long. Or at all in fact.

It’s only the sixth of February, but Steve is completely enamored with Bucky. He can admit that to himself, if not to anyone else. Since their first date after his involuntary disappearing act, they’ve seen each other five more times. Bucky’s showed him the rest of the original _Star Wars_ movies, and then they moved on to the latest ones. Steve thinks he needs to probably watch them again, seeing as they spend most of their movie time kissing, or lately doing some over their clothes groping and grinding. Bucky is so sweetly nervous when it comes to that stuff, so even though Steve is dying to do more with him, he’s extremely happy with where they’re at. Plus he’s not a moron. He knows Bucky wants to take things slow, or slow-ish at least, for reasons he doesn’t necessarily want to share with Steve yet, so even though just looking at Bucky gets him going, he’s not going to do anything to make him uncomfortable.

Steve smiles to himself as he thinks about Bucky. Even though he loves the physical stuff with him, it’s so much more than that. It’s really just about being with him. Bucky is so smart and witty and when he gets talking about something he’s passionate about, Steve could listen to him all day. He teaches Steve things constantly, without even realising it. And he’s so open with Steve, almost all of the time. Steve usually finds it hard to be open with people, partly because of who he is, but also because he’s never been one to burden others with his problems, but with Bucky, he can just be himself. It’s so freeing.

So sure, Steve is so captivated by Bucky, he maybe finds himself thinking about him when he should probably be listening to briefings, but there’s nothing he can do about that. Really, it’s not his fault, he reasons with himself. He blames Bucky for being the most compelling person he’s ever met.

The briefing guy starts wrapping up and Steve forces himself to focus for the last few minutes. It’s just him and Natasha on this one. Tony’s been away for a while, but he hasn’t called them in for backup, so Steve assumes everything is fine. Clint’s off somewhere else, and Bruce and Thor really only turn up when things are really bad. He’s fine with missions with just Natasha, except as they finally get released from the room and file out together, she’s already on him.

“Gonna tell your guy that you’re going away?” she asks with a sly smile as they walk to the elevators.

Okay, it is true that he’s already started pulling out his phone, but it still doesn’t make it her business. “Something like that,” he murmurs, pulling up Bucky’s contact information.

“Can I at least hear his voice?” she asks as he steps into the elevator that just arrived so he can go and get suited up, knowing she’s heading to the jet to get it ready to go.

“Nope,” he says with a crooked smile, before the doors close on her.

He has relative privacy in the elevator, so he calls Bucky. He may have memorised his schedule, so he knows it’s around Bucky’s lunch break at work, and he hopes he’ll be able to pick up.

“Go for Barnes,” Bucky answers in a strong voice.

Steve rolls his eyes to himself. Since Steve answered his phone like that around a week ago in Bucky’s apartment, Bucky’s been making fun of him for it. He’s such a jerk and Steve _loves_ it. “When are you going to stop that? You have to stop that,” he sighs, fake exasperated.

“Sir, yessir, ten-four, hut, hut,” Bucky sasses back.

Steve puts on his best Captain America voice, even though he’s smiling down the phone. “Is that insubordination I hear?”

He’s not really prepared for the breathy but deep voice Bucky puts on. “Oh, never, sir, I would never do that.”

God, he does not need Bucky doing that when he’s in an elevator, about to go on a mission. “Jesus, warn a guy would ya, Buck?”

Bucky laughs heartily down the phone. “Sorry, Stevie. What’s up?” he says, voice thankfully sounding like normal Bucky now, and pretty happy too. Not that normal Bucky doesn’t also do it for him.

“I wanted to let you know I’m being called away,” Steve tells him.

“Oh.” Bucky’s voice sounds less happy now. “How long for?” he asks.

“Just a couple of days this time, if all goes as planned. It’s just me and Natasha, so nothing really big,” Steve says as the elevator dings and he gets out on the floor where Tony keeps all his suits and equipment.

Bucky lets out a little huff. “Oh sure, just Cap and Black Widow, no big deal.”

Steve can practically hear him rolling his eyes. “Well…not a big, _big_ deal then,” he amends. “I’ll have my phone, so I’ll stay in contact though,” he promises.

“Oh,” Bucky says again, but this is a happier ‘oh’, like he wasn’t expecting that. “Okay. Send me all the confidential details,” he jokes.

Steve chuckles down the phone. “Definitely. I’ll see you when I get back?” he asks, with only a tiny bit of trepidation. There’s just a little part of him that’s waiting for Bucky to decide this is all too much and that dating him is not worth it.

“I’m sure you will,” Bucky replies, and Steve can tell he’s smiling down the phone. “Stay safe out there, Stevie.”

“Will do,” Steve replies, always touched by how much Bucky seems to care about his safety. Plus his heart always thumps a little whenever Bucky calls him _Stevie_. No one else calls him that. It’s special. It’s just for him. “Bye, Buck.”

He waits for Bucky to say goodbye and hangs up. He wishes he had time to say goodbye in person, even if he _is_ just going for a couple of days. He lets himself take a moment to think about holding Bucky in his arms, before he pulls himself together. Then he goes to find his suit so he can start changing. He’s got a mission to do, after all.

 

****

 

Bucky’s lounging on his bed, finishing off the book Steve got him, when there’s a knock on his door. His heart leaps before he remembers that Steve’s away, and then he’s confused because anyone else would have to buzz up. Which means it must be one of his neighbours.

He puts the book down and pads over to the door and opens it to find Peter from downstairs, standing there with a backpack over his shoulder. He looks kind of twitchy.

“Hi, Mr. Barnes,” Peter greets him politely. “Um, this is embarrassing, but I sorta locked myself out and Aunt May isn’t here. I was sorta wondering if I could hang out here so I don’t have to sit in the hallway, if you aren’t busy?”

Bucky’s surprised but he figures that’s fine. May is always so kind to him, it’s the least he can do. “Sure, come on in.” He holds the door open so Peter can step inside. “How long until your Aunt gets back?” he asks as he shuts the door.

“Probably a couple of hours,” Peter admits, looking sheepish. “Is that okay?”

“Yeah, no problem. I don’t have plans tonight. You want something to eat or drink?” he offers.

“Water would be cool,” Peter requests and then he politely takes his shoes off and leaves them by the door.

Bucky brings the water over to him. “Sorry I don’t really have a sofa.” He’s about to offer Peter his bed, but he needs to think of a way to phrase it without sounding like a creepy pervert.

Peter shrugs and takes the water from him. “That’s cool. Can I use your table? I’ve got homework.”

“Oh, yeah, sure.” That solves that at least.

Peter goes over and pulls some books from his backpack before setting it on the floor.

Bucky hovers awkwardly. “So what subjects are you taking? Got a favourite?” he asks, trying to get a look at Peter’s books.

Peter looks over at him with a little smile. “You don’t have to do that. I’ll just study quietly.”

“Oh. Okay,” Bucky says, returning to sit on his bed. He’s not going to force the kid to talk if he doesn’t want to. Bucky decides he’ll go back to reading.

“I like science,” Peter says after a moment, looking over at him.

Bucky nods. “Cool.” He takes Peter’s comment for what it is—a way for him to remain friendly, without inviting further conversation. “Let me know if you get hungry,” he offers, before they fall into a companionable silence, just the sound of Peter scribbling away and the pages of books turning.

“Hey, Mr. Barnes?” Peter breaks the silence a good long while later.

“You can call me Bucky,” Bucky tells him.

“Oh. Okay. Bucky,” Peter corrects, eyes surprised. “Were you in the army?” he asks, looking at him with curious eyes.

“Yeah,” Bucky replies, wondering why he’s asking, then realising he’s not wearing his prosthesis. He’s sort of stunned into silence. Only the closest people to him ever see him without that thing, but with Peter dropping by unexpectedly, he forgot. It’s weird. Usually it would have been the first thing he thought of. But he goes without it in front of Steve now, so maybe that’s made him a bit more relaxed about it? It’s surprising how much it feels like a step forward, when it’s such a small thing.

He feels oddly proud of himself while he looks over at Peter, waiting for further questions.

Peter just nods and goes back to his work though. Bucky waits a moment and starts reading again. _Kids are weird_ , he thinks. They go back to their silence.

After a little while, Bucky finishes his book. He’s definitely going to make Steve read it so they can talk about it, he decides as he puts it down on his nightstand. It’s coming up to six on the clock and no Aunt May yet. Bucky’s kinda hungry even though it’s early and he figures Peter might be too.

“Hey, Peter?” he asks, and Peter looks over. “You allowed pizza?”

Peter frowns at him. “I’m fifteen.”

Bucky takes that as a yes. “Alright. What do ya want on it?” he asks, pulling up the pizza place on his phone.

“You don’t have to feed me,” Peter replies.

Bucky shrugs at him. “I’m gonna eat and it makes more economical sense to order a large so…”

“Pepperoni please?” Peter requests, with big eyes and a shy smile.

“You got it.”

Bucky puts the order in, while Peter goes back to his work. He wonders what Peter likes about science. Maybe he’ll ask him over dinner, so they have something to talk about. Bucky goes and potters around the kitchen for a bit, putting some dishes away and getting out plates for them.

When his phone buzzes, he heads over to grab it, to see it’s Steve calling. He feels a smile come over his face and he feels all warm inside as he picks up. “Hey,” he smiles down the phone.

“Hey, Buck,” Steve replies. He sounds tired but happy, Bucky thinks. “Just checking in. Everything’s going fine here. How’s everything with you?”

“Good,” Bucky starts and then the door buzzer goes.

Peter looks over at him. “Want me to get that?” he asks and Bucky nods, tucking the phone between his ear and shoulder so he can grab his wallet and throw it to Peter who catches it perfectly.

“You with Sam?” Steve asks, obviously having heard Peter’s voice.

“Nah, Peter from downstairs, he’s over. We’re getting pizza,” he replies, as Peter buzzes the guy in and then goes to meet him downstairs.

“Oh. You haven’t mentioned him before,” Steve says, and Bucky can’t help but pickup on the very slight tone there. It sounds like Steve might be a little jealous. Bucky shouldn’t be thrilled by that but he kinda is.

“What, you expected me to just wait around for you?” Bucky can’t help himself.

Steve’s quiet for a moment. “Um, I guess we—”

Bucky chuckles, cutting him off. “I’m kidding, Stevie. Peter’s Miss Parker’s kid. Or nephew, I guess. He locked himself out of his place so he’s just hanging here until she gets back.”

Steve lets out this little breath that sounds like relief. “That was mean, Buck,” he says, voice fake stern.

Bucky grins to himself. “But you made it so easy.”

Steve huffs a little. “Well, that’s real nice of you, to look after him.”

“I’m not really doing anything, but yeah, he seems like a good kid.” Just as he says it, Peter returns with a large pizza box, Bucky’s wallet resting on top. “I gotta go, pizza’s here,” he tells Steve apologetically.

“No problem. I’ll see you in a day or so?” Steve replies.

“Yeah,” Bucky says, his heart glowing at the thought of seeing Steve again. God, he is so weak for this man. “Just FYI,” he adds before Steve hangs up, “I’m not seeing anyone else and I don’t plan to.”

There’s a little pause and then Bucky’s sure Steve’s smirking. “Good to know,” he replies, proving once again that he’s a little punk.

Bucky groans down the phone at him. “Bye, Steve,” he says, exasperated. He hears Steve laughing as he hangs up.

Peter’s standing grinning at him when he looks over. Bucky ignores the look, but notices Peter has politely waited for him, not yet opening the pizza box. “Go on, let’s eat,” he says, gesturing.

Peter opens the pizza box as Bucky walks over and they grab some slices each and then settle back where they were, Peter at the table, Bucky on his bed, but Bucky flicks the TV on this time.

They eat and Bucky gives Peter free reign with the remote, so he’s not sure what they’re watching, as Peter keeps changing his mind and flipping channels, but it’s fine. He’s finding he quite likes Peter’s quiet company.

Until Peter breaks the silence again. “So, is that big blond guy I see in the hall your boyfriend?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for this somewhat interim chapter. The next few are much longer and are some of my faves so far, featuring more sexy times and Valentine's Day...omg it's maybe puke-inducing.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed, thank you for reading, kudosing and commenting so far! ❤️


	6. Because I Want You

“I’ve changed my mind,” Bucky says, shivering next to Steve as they walk. “The park was a terrible idea.”

Steve returned a day later. Bucky spent a good portion of that time wondering what exactly Steve is, prompted by Peter’s question. They are dating, sure, and it seems like they both aren’t seeing anyone else, so they’re dating exclusively, but Bucky doesn’t know what else they are yet. It’s still early after all. He really doesn’t know how this whole dating thing works. When he looks over at Steve, he decides it doesn’t really matter anyway. He gets to be with him and that’s enough. He can figure the other stuff out later. Right now, he’s just enjoying himself. Or mostly is.

Steve had come over to pick Bucky up for lunch and then they’d decided to go for a walk in Prospect Park. Clearly Steve has no problem wandering around in arctic temperatures, but Bucky’s freezing his ass off, even bundled up in a scarf, hat _and_ mittens. It takes a little shine off walking with Steve when he feels like his balls are literally blue.

Steve looks over at him. “Cold?” he asks, eyes concerned.

Bucky nods, shivering away.

“Do you want to, um, come back to my place?” Steve asks, hesitantly, as though the answer might be no. “It’s not far from here.”

Bucky nods again. “Sounds like a plan.” He hasn’t been there before, and he can’t wait to see Steve’s place and not just because it’ll be warm. He figures Steve’s house will tell him a lot about Steve, plus he probably doesn’t invite just anyone over. It must be a good sign. It seems like a pretty good step to becoming boyfriendly.

Steve reaches out and takes his hand, which Bucky thinks is definitely a good sign. They don’t really talk on the way, mainly because Bucky’s still too busy shivering, but it’s a comfortable silence. It gives Bucky lots of time to enjoy the feel of Steve’s hand, clasping his tightly, even through mittens.

“Here we are,” Steve announces as they reach a non-descript brownstone only a short walk later.

“It’s nice,” Bucky offers, because it seems like the thing to do.

They walk up the steps and Bucky gazes around, taking in the brown front door and the nice plant pots on the front stoop, before he realises there’s only one number and no additional buzzers. Steve opens the door and it confirms that Steve has the whole place, not just an apartment like Bucky thought he would for some reason.

Bucky unwraps himself in the entrance hall, taking off his hat, scarf and mittens and then his coat. Steve once again doesn’t watch him and how slow he is, he just undoes his coat and takes Bucky’s when he’s finally removed it and hangs them up. Bucky kicks off his shoes too and Steve leads him through to the rest of the house, which is thankfully warm.

It’s a really gorgeous place with lots of original features. Bucky could see it being a great family home, but it makes him feel a little sad, thinking of Steve living in this big house all by himself. Maybe it’s because Steve doesn’t seem to have made his mark on the place yet. As they go through to the living room on the right via two large open sliding doors, Bucky notices artwork leaning against the cream-coloured walls, not yet hung up, and a few piles of books on the bookcase, obviously waiting for Steve to organise them. It’s got two sofas and a great fireplace though, and a nice wood and leather chair over by a record player, that Bucky can totally picture Steve sitting in, listening and relaxing.

“I haven’t really finished anything off here yet,” Steve says, looking like he’s waiting for Bucky to grade him or something.

Bucky smiles gently. “I like it. I think you’ll make it a really great space when it’s all done.”

“Thanks.” Steve smiles tentatively. “I’ve finished the bedroom. That looks a bit homelier than this room.”

“Is that your subtle way of getting me into your bedroom?” Bucky smirks at him. He’s kinda hoping that’s where this will end up.

“No, of course not,” Steve says instantly, looking embarrassed.

“Oh,” Bucky says, letting his face fall. “Well, that’s disappointing,” he says offhand.

“I just meant…” Steve starts. “…Wait, what?” he adds, looking at Bucky.

“I just think it would be polite of you to give me the tour is all,” Bucky says, pressing his lips together, trying not to laugh, because Steve looks mightily perplexed right now.

“Um, okay,” Steve says, and then in a slightly bolder move, he takes Bucky’s hand and holds it as he leads him through the house.

The next room along the downstairs hallway just contains a large wooden table and six chairs. “This is meant to be the dining room, when I get around to it,” Steve explains.

There’s a half-finished jigsaw puzzle on the table. “Wow, Steve, you really _are_ an old man,” Bucky comments, looking at the half-finished picture of what seems to be a tropical fish scene.

Steve gives him a little smile. “Sometimes I don’t sleep so good, so I do this,” he shrugs a little.

Bucky looks at him, feeling a little sad suddenly. He wonders if Steve doesn’t sleep for the same reasons Bucky sometimes doesn’t sleep, but it feels like a conversation for another time. He smiles at Steve softly and then looks at the rest of the room.

It leads on down a couple of steps to his kitchen, which looks newly fitted compared to the old building, and is all stainless-steel appliances and marble countertops, with glass doors that lead out to a little garden. Bucky can picture sitting at the counter while Steve cooks him breakfast. He decides he’s going to try his best to make that picture become reality one day.

Steve talks a little about the house as he leads Bucky back to the hallway to the stairs, pointing out a small bathroom as they go. The stairs go both up and down. Steve gestures to the ones leading down. “The basement is still completely empty. I’m not sure what I want to do with it yet.”

He leads Bucky upstairs instead and shows him the main bathroom, which has been modernised and includes a huge glass shower, and the two spare bedrooms, again with only minimal decoration, but they at least have beds in them. Then Steve leads him into the master bedroom and Bucky can’t help smiling. This room feels so much more like Steve. It’s all warm, earthy colours, and Steve’s hung artwork on the walls, including a vintage US Army poster, which Bucky thinks is cute of him.

Bucky takes a little wander round the room, taking everything in. Steve’s got what looks like a very comfy large bed and another wood and leather chair in the corner and then a little desk setup by the window, covered in notebooks and pencils, with his laptop besides them, and then as Bucky turns, he sees it. The shield. The freaking Captain America shield is leaning up against one of Steve’s bedside tables, all nonchalantly.

Bucky probably has a bit of a ‘wow’ face going on because when he looks over at Steve, Steve seems a little bemused. “You wanna hold it?” he offers.

“Um, not gonna lie, I kinda do,” Bucky admits. He really doesn’t care much about Steve being Captain America, it’s not something that crosses his mind all that much to be honest, because Steve is just Steve to him, but the shield _is_ pretty damn cool.

Steve chuckles and moves over to pick it up and passes it to Bucky, showing him the straps to hold and then they both seem to realise at the same time that Bucky can’t really put his arm through without having another hand to hold it. But then Steve, angel that he is, holds it up for him, so Bucky can slide his right arm in. Bucky smiles at the gesture.

“It’s lighter than I thought,” Bucky comments, looking around and finding Steve’s mirror on the back of the door, before heading over to it.

Steve laughs when Bucky does his best Captain America pose with it.

“Just admit it, Stevie,” he says, meeting Steve’s eyes in the mirror. “I make this look better than you do.”

“Not gonna argue that,” Steve murmurs.

Bucky smirks at him in the mirror, then turns to face him. “You know, sometimes you’re real smooth, Rogers.” Bucky suddenly has an idea, and his eyes light up. “Hey, throw something at me!”

Steve looks bemused. “Throw something at you?”

“Yeah, so I can shield myself,” Bucky grins.

Steve shakes his head and then launches a pillow at him.

Bucky does manage to get it to hit the shield instead of him, but he fixes Steve with an unimpressed look. “A pillow? Really?”

“You said something, you didn’t specify what,” Steve grins.

“You get attacked with pillows a lot?” Bucky rolls his eyes.

“Not as often as I’d like,” Steve quips back.

Bucky rolls his eyes again and moves closer, lifting his arm so Steve can slide the shield off. Steve sets it back down where it was before, looking fondly at Bucky.

Bucky eyes the door he assumes is the closet. “Don’t suppose you keep your suit in there, do you?”

“Why, does that do it for you?” Steve smirks back.

“Why, are you looking for things that get me hot?” Bucky replies before he can stop himself.

Steve turns adorably shy again. “I, uh…”

Bucky steps a little closer. “I’m just kidding, Stevie. I _know_ you’re looking for things that get me hot.” He closes the distance between them to meet Steve’s lips, hand sliding onto Steve’s perfect little waist.

Steve moans a little as the kiss gets a bit deeper, a little more heated. “God, Buck, do you even know what you do to me…” Steve murmurs out between perfect kisses.

“No, but I think I can feel it,” Bucky says sassily when he pulls away slightly, because he can feel Steve is hard, pressing against him.

Steve instantly puts a little space between them, though still keeping Bucky locked in his arms. “Sorry,” he says, looking sheepish.

“For what?” Bucky says, looking into Steve’s eyes as he steps back close and presses their bodies together again from chest to hips. It’s both adorable and welcome, how careful Steve is with him. He always lets Bucky set the pace and always seems surprised whenever things get a little sexual. It’s just what Bucky needs to feel comfortable getting more intimate with someone for the first time since his accident.

Steve lets out this strangled choking sort of sound before Bucky effectively cuts him off with his tongue. They kiss deeply and Bucky wonders if he’ll ever get tired of kissing Steve. Steve holds onto him like he feels the same way.

Bucky keeps kissing him as he trails his hand round Steve’s waist to his front and brings it to rest on the button of his pants. He’s once again thankful that he’s gotten adept at one-handed buttons as he flicks it open and tugs on the zipper.

“Buck?” Steve moans, voice curious as he tries to pull away, but Bucky leans in for Steve’s lips again and Steve seems to not be able to resist kissing him again.

Once Bucky has the zipper down, he does stop though. “This okay, Stevie?” he checks.

Steve has almost glazed over lustful eyes. He nods shakily at Bucky. “Yeah, Buck…you can do anything…touch me however you want…”

Bucky smiles a little naughtily at him. “You shouldn’t go giving away that kind of power, Stevie. I thought you would know better than that.”

Steve just kisses him again, a harsh press of lips to Bucky’s, like he can’t get close enough. He’s relentless and Bucky loves it. His whole body is tingling. He tries to remember the task at hand, so to speak, and reaches in to run his hand over Steve’s boxer-covered length.

Steve’s hips buck against him and he lets out another moan, and Bucky can’t even believe he’s the one who makes Steve make these sorts of noises. It feels like Bucky’s found his own superpower. He strokes Steve gently over the cloth until Steve is shuddering a little and Bucky decides to stop teasing.

He reaches into Steve’s boxers this time, bursting with anticipation at having his hands on Steve finally, and oh god, Steve’s skin is velvet soft, but his cock is hard as rock. Bucky rubs his thumb over the head, feeling the little wetness of pre-come that’s been beading there.

Steve’s practically panting when he does that and Bucky pulls back so he can look at Steve for a moment, before nipping Steve’s bottom lip a little. He moves his hand away and Steve almost whimpers at him.

Bucky gently shushes him, before he sinks down to his knees and Steve lets out another of those gaspy breaths. He pushes Steve’s pants down a little more, but they’re still caught around his thighs and Bucky doesn’t know why that’s so hot, doing this with Steve only barely undressed enough. He places a little kiss against Steve’s happy trail, just a dusting of dark blond, just where it meets his boxers. He pushes the boxers down out the way too and then he’s face to face with Steve’s gorgeous cock. Is everything about this man just damn perfect, because it sure seems to Bucky like it is.

He can’t help himself—he leans in and runs his closed lips over the head, just feeling the soft skin, before he finally has a taste. He licks over the head and Steve lets out the best noise Bucky’s ever heard.

Bucky glances up at him as the breathy moan comes out of him. “You okay there, Stevie?”

Steve meets his eyes. “God, Buck, you just…” His words fall away into another gasp as Bucky takes the head of Steve’s cock into his mouth, keeping his eyes on Steve the whole time. Steve looks like Bucky just destroyed whatever thoughts he had left and from then on all he gets out of Steve are beautiful gasps and Steve panting his name or cursing.

Bucky savours the taste of him as he swallows Steve down, taking as much of him in as he can, which is less than he’d like, because Steve is _proportional_ everywhere. But even though he’s a lot to take, Bucky loves this, feeling in control and the feeling of power he gets from doing this, because _he’s_ the one making Steve’s legs shake like that, and it’s Bucky’s name that Steve keeps moaning. He loves the weight of Steve’s cock in his mouth, loves running his tongue over him, getting every inch of him wet, _really_ loves when Steve’s hand tangles in his hair and pulls ever so slightly every time Bucky sucks in his cheeks.

He uses his hand to gently play with Steve’s balls, because he wants to find out if Steve likes that, and the actual whimper he gets in response tells him Steve does. God, he loves how vocal Steve is. He starts working Steve with his mouth and hand in a faster rhythm, his lips stretched wide around him and he hears Steve moan again and Bucky looks up to find Steve is watching everything he does and damn, that is so fucking hot. Steve looks so fucked out already and Bucky’s barely started trying to make him fall to pieces.

Bucky’s rock hard in his own jeans, but he doesn’t even care about that. All he wants, his entire focus, is on getting Steve to feel so good that he forgets his own name. God, he even wants to taste him, and that’s something Bucky rarely does, but with Steve he wants everything Steve’ll give him.

“Buck, oh god, I’m close,” Steve warns him, and it’s far sooner than Bucky would have expected, which in turn makes Bucky feel like the fucking king of cocksucking, which he’s not sure if that’s a title he should be so proud to have, but damn, Steve’s looking at him like he’s a marvel, so Bucky’ll take it.

Bucky doesn’t stop. He speeds up instead, his hand moving to the base of Steve’s cock to help his mouth out and Steve lets out this groan like he’s realised Bucky intends on staying right there the whole time, Steve’s cock buried in his mouth.

Bucky looks up to meet Steve’s eyes again and that seems to do it. Steve’s eyes close in what Bucky hopes is the most blissful moment of his life so far, and his legs shake and then there’s one beat of silence before Steve lets go and comes, hot and wet in Bucky’s mouth, with this grunt and then Bucky’s name, said shakily as Steve tries to catch his breath. He looks goddamn beautiful like this, all messed up.

Bucky’s extremely proud of himself that he manages to not choke on Steve’s come as he swallows it down without letting Steve’s dick out of his mouth, and god, Steve doesn’t even taste like other guys—just a tiny bit bitter and salty, but fuck, Bucky could definitely do that again.

He pulls his mouth off Steve’s cock slowly, licking him clean as he goes, while Steve’s hips jerk and he moans, probably a little overstimulated now, until Bucky finally releases him and sits back on his heels, hopefully not looking as smug as he feels.

“Good god, Buck,” Steve breathes, and okay, Bucky probably does look as smug as he feels.

Steve sinks onto the bed, reaching out to grab Bucky’s hand and pull, and Bucky gets the idea and joins him, settling over Steve’s lap, helpfully tucking him back into his boxers, before Steve’s big hand wraps around the back of his head and pulls him in for a kiss. A kiss that turns into one of the hottest kisses Bucky’s ever had, Steve’s tongue sliding against his, lips pressed hard against his, Steve’s hand pulling his hair back and keeping him there, not letting Bucky move away, not that he would ever want to. Bucky’s panting by the time Steve finally releases him.

“Damn, Stevie, I guess that means you liked it,” Bucky chokes out, looking at Steve’s almost entirely black eyes, with that bright blue just at the edges right now.

“Saying yes seems like an understatement,” Steve murmurs at him, his eyes all over Bucky’s face like he’s memorising him or something.

Bucky smiles at him and for a moment he just can’t believe that he gets to do this, that he gets to be with Steve, and it’s nothing to do with the Cap thing, it’s all about Steve and how the hell did Bucky land someone as gorgeous and wonderful as him. Bucky leans in and kisses Steve’s neck, leaving a little trail down to his collarbone—his perfect, stupidly sexy collarbone—because he just can’t not kiss Steve right now. He stays there a while, just enjoying the taste of Steve’s skin and the softness of it against his lips. He grinds a little on Steve’s lap, cause goddamn, he is so turned on right now, and then he pulls away and looks down at Steve’s crotch.

“Are you kidding me?” he asks in wonder, bringing his eyes back up to Steve’s.

Steve looks a little sheepish. “Um…”

Bucky reaches down with his hand to confirm what he thinks he just felt against him, and holy shit, yes, Steve is getting hard again.

Steve squirms a little at the touch and Bucky looks back up at him. “Side effect of the serum,” he explains, looking a bit awkward. “Does not mean you didn’t do it for me,” he adds quickly.

Bucky just looks back down, a little stunned. “Yeah, not where my thoughts went,” he murmurs. More like he thought, _holy shit, I turn Steve on_ that _much?_ He looks back up again. “I can, uh, get back down there if you want?” he offers, licking his lips, cause honestly, he has no problem with that whatsoever.

“That would be real greedy of me, don’t ya think?” Steve smiles, a little naughtily, before he tucks a bit of hair back behind Bucky’s ear and leans in to kiss him softly.

Bucky grins back at him when he pulls away. God, Steve is so sexy, how the hell is he this sexy? Bucky’s pretty sure he would blow Steve until he literally got lockjaw and then thank him for it. It’s probably a good thing that he doesn’t get to see if that’s true, as Steve’s hands suddenly find their way to Bucky’s fly, startling him a little.

“Is this okay?” he asks quietly.

Bucky has a brief moment of panic. But then he reminds himself he doesn’t have to be naked. He barely got Steve out of his boxers—Steve’s probably going to do the same. So Bucky nods and lifts up so he’s not sitting on Steve anymore, but just sitting over him, so he has better access and Steve’s hand finds its way into his jeans. He strokes over his boxers just once before he slides his hand inside them instead and oh fuck, Steve’s hand is on his bare cock and Bucky might die. He hasn’t had anyone’s hand except his own there in so fucking long.

Steve runs his thumb over the head of his cock and Bucky’s legs actually quiver. Fuck, he needs to lie down, he can’t stay upright with Steve touching him like that. He’s got his hand gripping Steve’s shoulder, so he tugs on him a little and moves, and Steve, smart man that he is, sees what Bucky wants and moves with him so Bucky ends up on his back on the bed, Steve next to him on his side, hand still on Bucky’s dick.

Steve starts moving his head down and Bucky comes to his senses enough to realise he’s not been thinking clearly enough so far. “I’m clean,” he stutters out to Steve, because they really should have talked about this before.

Steve pauses and looks up at him. “I, uh, I can’t actually catch anything or transmit anything either,” he says. “Sorry, we should have discussed that before.” He looks apologetic.

Bucky’s just bugging out in his head. “Seriously?”

Steve nods, looking a little shy.

“Fuck,” Bucky says, drawing out the word. “Well that’s cool,” he says, eyes wide, his stupid brain getting ahead of himself and already thinking about Steve bare inside him, while he wills his stupid brain to shut the fuck up, because they are so not at that point yet and that point brings with it many, many other complications far beyond to condom or not to condom.

Steve starts moving again until his mouth is level with his hand, which has been lightly holding Bucky’s cock this whole time, and then he’s pushing Bucky’s clothing down out of the way and then there’s nothing but the hot wetness of Steve’s mouth on him and Bucky can’t think straight anymore.

He’s dimly aware that he’s moaning, but he can’t process anything else except Steve’s lips around him, holding him like a vice, and his tongue rolling round the head of his dick and then Steve sliding his mouth down so damn far that Bucky’s cock is nudging the back of his throat and it’s glorious. Shit, he thought he was good at this, but Steve is on another level. He can’t find it in himself to care that Steve’s winning _this_ though, cause he’s the one reaping the rewards as Steve hollows his cheeks and _sucks_.

Steve sucks him down like it’s his job, taking his time driving Bucky crazy, and Bucky knows he’s a panting, writhing mess and he doesn’t give a damn, it feels so good. Steve moves a little and Bucky can feel him hard against his lower leg, and damn, he forgot about that and suddenly he’s dying to see Steve come again.

“Steve,” he moans out, and Steve looks up at him through those long eyelashes, mouth still on Bucky’s cock, like the best porn fantasy come to life ever. Bucky’s never going to unsee that, and thank god he isn’t. “Come up here,” he manages to moan out, even though Steve’s mouth is actual heaven.

Steve slides off him with a little pop sound and pulls himself up the bed. “You okay?” he murmurs, big hand stroking down Bucky’s face.

Bucky’s already reaching for Steve again, getting his hand onto the waistband of his boxers, while Steve watches and looks a little confused but very turned on as Bucky pulls out Steve’s cock again. Bucky shimmies his hips a little to get himself in line with Steve and then guides Steve’s hand to his cock, before he returns his hand to Steve’s dick and tugs ever so gently and Steve seems to realise what he wants and moves closer so he’s lying over Bucky and gathers them both in his hand.

“Like this, Buck?” he questions and Bucky nods, eyes basically rolling back in his head because Steve’s cock against his feels perfect.

He opens his eyes again, just in time to see Steve licking his hand before he grips them again and starts jacking them together.

“Fuck…” Bucky groans and Steve shudders against him. Steve feels like silk against him.

“God, you’re so good to me, always thinking of me…” Steve gasps out at him, breath already coming in little pants.

Bucky almost laughs at that because he’s being so entirely selfish right now with his wants. He shakes his head at Steve. “Just need to see you. So fuckin’ pretty when you come.”

Steve’s face colours beautifully. He’s so pretty when he blushes too.

Bucky moves his hips up in time with Steve’s hand and pulls on Steve’s neck so he leans down for a kiss. Bucky’s sucking on his tongue when Steve stiffens and falls apart, and then there’s so much slick as Steve’s come covers both their cocks via Steve’s hand. Bucky pulls away from Steve’s mouth, and damn, Steve does look gorgeous like this, and then he whimpers as Steve pulls his orgasm out of him, Bucky tensing and coming with a shout that gets punched out of his lungs.

Steve collapses down next to Bucky as Bucky stares at the ceiling and tries to remember his own name.

“Holy fuck, Steve,” he says as he comes back to himself.

He looks over and Steve’s looking at him from under those long dark lashes, head pillowed on his hand, eyes full of fucked out happiness.

“So…” Bucky starts, after they’ve laid there a few more minutes. “I think I really like your room,” he says, and Steve laughs his head off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay more sexy time. Hope you enjoyed 😉 I don't know how this chapter got so long but the next one is even longer and the one after that is even longerer (I made that word up).
> 
> Thank you so much for reading, leave me a comment if you like? Love to hear from you 💌


	7. Bulletproof Cupid

“This is ridiculous,” Becca says, scowling across the table at him.

Bucky sighs. They’re sitting in their favourite café, the same one from the day he first met Steve, and once again Becca is bitching him out. Except this time, it’s about meeting Steve. “It’s not that I don’t want you to meet him,” he tries to explain, stirring his coffee idly at the same time.

“So what is it?” Becca interrupts.

“It’s too early. We’ve only known each other for like two months. And one of those months he wasn’t even around. Meeting the family seems a bit of a big thing to push on him.”

Becca doesn’t look impressed. “It’s not like I’m saying take him to meet mom and dad. It’s me! Your absolute favourite person in the whole world!” she beams.

“That’s Sam,” Bucky replies with an evil grin.

Becca fixes him with an unimpressed look. “Lying is an unattractive trait.”

Bucky chuckles while she takes a sip of her vanilla latte.

“Is Sam going to meet him then? I mean properly?” she asks, with an annoyed frown. “Friends less scary than family?”

Bucky shrugs. “Well yeah, that’s true. But no. Not yet. And Sam is basically family anyway, so it’s the same thing.” He leans back in his chair, running his fingers over the handle of his cup of coffee. “Look, I promise you’ll be the first to meet him. But when we’re ready for that. It’s just…it’s really nice between us, I think we both like everything how it is right now.” He gives her his best puppy dog imploring eyes.

She rolls her eyes at his face. “Alright, alright. Quit making that face at me. But don’t leave it too long. You know I have to approve him properly, make sure he’s good enough.”

Bucky chuckles at that. The very idea that Steve wouldn’t be good enough for _him_ , when it’s completely the other way around.

“Don’t do that,” Becca says in a warning tone. “You are definitely good enough.”

Bucky narrows his eyes at her. How she sometimes knows what he’s thinking is really a pain in the ass. He should stop hanging out with her so much.

“Don’t even pretend that’s not what you were thinking,” she says, raising her eyebrows.

Bucky sighs and decides to change the subject. “Enough about me and Steve. How’s school going?”

Becca sips her coffee again and shrugs. “Same old. Got a ninety-five on a paper,” she says with a smile.

Bucky beams at her. “Course you did. Good job, Becs.”

Becca smirks at him. “Thanks, mom. Do I get a cookie?”

“You want a cookie, I’ll get you a cookie,” Bucky says, lifting his hand, palm up, in an offering gesture.

“Ooh, wait,” she suddenly says excitedly, ignoring his offer. “What are you getting Steve?”

“What do you mean?” Bucky asks, confused. Why would he be getting Steve something?

Becca gives him the look only a sister can, like ‘oh my god, you are such a dumbass’. “It’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow. Duh.”

“Did you really just say ‘duh’ to me?” Bucky says, before his eyes widen. “Shit, it is, isn’t it,” he says as he realises.

“Uh, yeah,” Becca replies. “Did you forget?”

Bucky rolls his eyes, partly at her and partly at the world. “Why would I remember that? I don’t think I’ve ever done a Valentine’s thing.” Now he’s freaking out a little. Is this something he’s supposed to do? “Shit, what do I do?”

Becca, evil sister that she is, just shrugs at him. “If I’d met him, I’d be able to make suggestions,” she says, using her best ‘sucks to be you’ face.

Bucky lets out an annoyed breath. “Yeah, alright, rub it in.”

“I bet he’s got something romantic planned too.”

“How’d you figure that?” Bucky frowns at her. She, as she’s so loves pointing out, doesn’t know Steve.

“Well, he did all that stuff for you at Christmas, didn’t he. He sounds like a big soppy teddy bear,” she says, but she’s smiling, like she’s very pleased about that fact.

Steve _is_ a big teddy bear. Not a soppy one, but a sweet one. And Bucky’s done literally nothing to deserve it. He drops his forehead onto the table. “Shiiiiit,” he moans.

Becca laughs at his distress. “Well, what does he like? There must be something. Or do you just spend your time with him mostly horizontal, so you don’t actually talk?”

Bucky raises his head slowly to look at her, to see her smirking at him. “New rule. You are never to ask me about my sex life again,” he says slowly.

Becca just smiles wider. “Hey, I get it. He’s super hot, why bother with talking.”

“Oh my god, you are never meeting him,” Bucky says in disbelief, shaking his head. He did _not_ need to know how much his sister thinks his…not-boyfriend is hot.

Becca just grins at him. “Liar.”

 

****

 

While Bucky had forgotten about Valentine’s Day, Steve clearly had not. He’d invited Bucky over to his place already, though Bucky hadn’t realised the significance of the day at the time. Bucky really wants to just go with the whole ‘Valentine’s is a commercial fake day’ thing and not do anything, but he has no idea if Steve has something planned, and honestly Steve deserves some romance from him. Bucky’s starting to feel pretty awful at doing this whole relationship thing.

So he thought for ages and planned and then went shopping on his lunch break that day, hoping his idea was good enough. It’s a good thing he did, because when he arrives at Steve’s that evening, bag over his shoulder, Steve greets him at the door with a “Happy Valentine’s Day!” straight away. God, Steve _is_ soppy, Bucky thinks. But the glowing smile on Steve’s face makes Bucky smile despite himself and he figures maybe this Valentine’s thing won’t be so bad.

“Happy Valentine’s,” he says as he goes inside, Steve holding the door for him.

Steve shuts the door and then his big hands are on Bucky’s face, pulling him in to a sensual kiss. Steve lets out a little sigh, sounding happy as he pulls away.

Bucky gives himself a minute to recover from the kiss by putting down his bag, getting himself out of his coat and hanging it up, kicking off his sneakers as well, and then slings his bag over his shoulder again.

“You look nice,” Bucky comments, drinking in the image of Steve. He looks a little more dressed up than usual, in a blue button-down shirt, with the sleeves rolled up halfway, and black pants. Ugh, Bucky’s already fucked this up—he’s just wearing a red henley and jeans. “We aren’t going out, are we?” Crap, what if Steve wants to take him to dinner or something, and he has to go looking like this?

“Nope,” Steve smiles. “I’m cooking,” he says, taking Bucky’s hand and starting to lead him through towards the kitchen.

“Oh yeah?” That’s good. Bucky loves Steve’s cooking—he’s actually really good at it. Plus it means Bucky doesn’t have to cook so much when Steve’s happy to do it. It’s an all round great situation for him.

“You look gorgeous, by the way,” Steve tells him as they enter the dining room, eyes trailing over Bucky when he looks over at him.

Bucky immediately feels flustered. “I look the same as always,” he counters as he lets go of Steve’s hand so he can put his bag down on a chair at the end of dining table, noticing Steve has already set two places at the other end with a candle lit between them. _Oh god, he really is a giant sap_.

“And you always look gorgeous,” Steve says nonchalantly as he heads down the couple of steps to the kitchen and then starts checking on whatever he’s cooking.

Bucky’s starting to think Steve’s magic serum thing was actually a perfect man serum, because what guy just says things like that? He bites his bottom lip, feeling all ruffled. He dithers for a minute, wondering when exactly he’s supposed to give Steve his presents. He didn’t get around to wrapping them, partly because of time, partly because he would have needed help to do it properly, and partly because he didn’t really want Steve to get excited about them, cause they aren’t that great. He decides to wait. After dinner seems like a better plan.

He goes to join Steve in the kitchen. “Can I help?” he asks.

“You wanna get drinks?” Steve requests, smiling softly at him as he pulls out a colander.

“Okay.” Bucky moves to the fridge to find a fancy-looking bottle of red wine on the counter next to it. “This?” Bucky asks, holding it up to show Steve.

“Mhm,” Steve confirms. “Or anything else you’d prefer,” he adds.

“Fine with me.” Bucky takes it over so Steve can open it while he gets out wine glasses. He pours them each a glass as Steve starts plating up their food and he has a peek at it. “What is it? Smells good.”

“Sausage cavatelli,” Steve replies. “It’s just something simple.”

Bucky thinks it doesn’t really look simple, it looks great, but then what does he know. Steve takes their plates over to the table and before Bucky can get a little bothered about having to make two trips because he can only hold one glass, Steve returns to grab parmesan cheese and his wine glass.

Bucky follows him over and sits down and smiles to himself, because the dish Steve has made only requires him to use a fork, which is great, because he hates drawing attention to the fact that sometimes things can be difficult for him because he can’t really cut stuff easily. Then he thinks maybe that’s why Steve picked this dish to make and he feels all glowy inside because that’s probably exactly what Steve did and it’s really thoughtful of him. In fact, he’s noticed Steve does things like that a lot, just like with returning to grab his glass. He seems to naturally notice where Bucky might have a little difficulty with something and makes it easier for him, without ever making Bucky feel like he’s being babied or pitied, which is actually an incredibly hard thing to pull off. Bucky really loves that about him.

Dinner is really delicious as well. They eat and talk and Steve nudges his foot under the table sometimes, and Bucky’s just struck by how happy he is. His life seems to have become a series of perfect little moments with Steve—moments where no one else exists but them, where the only thing he sees is the beautiful warmth in Steve’s eyes as he looks at Bucky.

“Ready for dessert?” Steve offers as he clears their plates, Bucky doing his best to be helpful by carrying the cheese back to put it in the fridge.

“Maybe in a bit?” Bucky proposes. “That pasta was amazing, I’m so full.”

“Thanks.” Steve gives him a little smile, and then refills their wine glasses. “Want to go to the living room?”

Bucky nods and they head in there, each with their glass of wine.

As Bucky sits down on the sofa, setting his glass down on the new side table next to him that Steve must have bought recently, Steve goes across to his bookshelf.

He comes back and sits next to Bucky, one leg tucked under him so Steve’s facing him. “So…I, um, wanted you to have something,” he says, and then he passes Bucky a small black box.

“Oh wait. I got you something too,” Bucky says, realising he left his bag in the other room, as he looks at the little box in his hand, wondering what it is. “I just need to grab my bag.”

“I’ll get it,” Steve says with an easy smile, already standing up.

He returns in a few seconds with Bucky’s bag, while Bucky places the black box on the sofa next to him. Steve sits back down, passing Bucky his bag, which Bucky unzips.

“I, um, I didn’t wrap mine,” he confesses. He pulls out the first one and a tender smile appears on Steve’s face as he passes the box over. It’s a thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle with a picture of _Dumbo_ on it.

Steve lets out a little chuckle as he takes it. “Thank you, Buck. I love it,” he says, a completely genuine smile on his face.

Bucky grins back at him. He couldn’t help himself with that one, it seemed so cute to get Steve. But for the real present, he tried to go a little more romantic for the occasion. He feels a bit nervous about it, his grin fading as he wonders if this is a dumb idea, but then forces himself to pull out the second present and passes it to Steve. It’s a vinyl record—Nat King Cole’s _Love is the Thing_. Bucky figured Steve might like it as he’s from around his era.

Steve looks pleased as he takes it. “This is great—” he starts.

“It sort of has an idea attached to it,” Bucky speaks over him, stumbling a little with his words. He pushes his hair back behind his ear, feeling a bit self-conscious, looking at his lap. “I’m…I’m not so good at this romance thing, but I thought maybe…” He breaks off again and lifts his eyes, not quite meeting Steve’s. “I figured maybe you used to go dancing, cause that was a popular thing, um, before,” he says, not wanting to say anything stupid like ‘before you were frozen’. “But then there aren’t really many places like that to dance these days, and people might recognise you and stuff.” Bucky takes another breath. This is harder than he thought.

Steve, for his part, is being absolutely patient with his rambling and is just watching him with fondness in his eyes when Bucky finally meets his gaze for a moment.

“Anyway,” Bucky continues, “I thought maybe we could, um, dance, um, here? I know it’s not the same…” he trails off, looking at his hand. “It’s probably a dumb idea,” he mutters to himself, feeling himself getting red with embarrassment. It’s definitely a dumb idea. It’s not going to be the same as when Steve danced with some pretty girl who knew how to dance. Bucky can’t even dance properly with his one arm. What the hell was he thinking? He just thought it sounded romantic when the idea came to him, but it’s not romantic, it’s moronic.

Steve stands up from the sofa, taking the record with him, as Bucky lifts his head, trying to clear his self-doubt, and watches as Steve puts the record on and the beginning of _When I Fall in Love_ starts up. He returns to Bucky and holds out his hand. “I would love to dance with you, Buck,” he says softly, smiling tenderly at him.

Bucky exhales a little in relief. Okay, he can do this. Steve wants to, or at least he isn’t saying no. He takes Steve’s hand, letting himself be pulled to his feet. Steve keeps hold of his hand and wraps the other round Bucky’s waist and starts swaying gently with him. His prosthesis just hangs there, but doesn’t get in the way.

Steve smiles softly when the vocals start up and tightens his grip on Bucky’s waist a little. Bucky swallows hard, emotions flooding him as he looks at Steve. He breaks their gaze and fixes his eyes somewhere on Steve’s perfect jawline instead. He doesn’t know why he feels a little trembly, but it’s perfect, being held by Steve. In all of Bucky’s life, he’s never felt soft like this, like he does with Steve, like he doesn’t have to put up a façade.

They move slowly together, Steve pulling him a little closer as the song goes on, so their chests are pressed together by the end. As the song ends, Steve doesn’t let go. He just holds Bucky and waits for the next track and they continue dancing. “I like this,” Steve says softly.

“The music?” Bucky asks, meeting his eyes, and Steve nods, then leans down to kiss him softly and their entwined hands come to rest between their chests.

“You know,” Steve murmurs as they slow dance, “I never really went dancing back then.”

Bucky’s eyes widen in surprise. “You didn’t?”

“There weren’t really any girls who wanted to dance with the little guy,” Steve says with a little half-shrug.

“I didn’t realise. I’m sorry.” He looks down. God, he’s so dumb. Bucky could kick himself. He thought this was a nice idea, but now he’s probably brought up bad memories for Steve.

“I’m not,” Steve says, and when Bucky looks up, he’s still smiling softly. “I’m pretty happy to have my dances be only with you.”

Bucky’s throat suddenly feels very dry and his eyes feel a little blurry. He leans in, tucking his head low so he can hide how emotional he feels by burying his head into Steve’s broad shoulder. Steve’s shirt is soft under his cheek and he smells really good. He feels Steve lean in so his cheek is resting against Bucky’s hair and they keep dancing that way, if the slow sway they’re doing can even be called dancing.

Every time one song ends, Steve pulls Bucky into a kiss. Somewhere around _Ain't Misbehavin'_ , they don’t really stop kissing. It’s perfect and beautiful, with no urgency. They’re not kisses leading to something else. He’s perfectly happy feeling Steve against him, his lips slowly pressing against his own. It’s so ridiculously romantic, Bucky can’t help feeling a little proud of himself that he managed this.

Steve eventually breaks their kisses and moves slightly back so he can look at Bucky. His eyes are dark, his lips all kiss-bitten. His fingers gently stroke Bucky’s hair back. “Do you want to open the thing I got you?” he murmurs, and Bucky remembers they didn’t actually get round to that.

He supposes they can’t dance forever. They leave the music on as they move back to the sofa and Bucky picks up the box. He looks at it a little curiously, before opening it up to find dog tags on a chain. He lifts them out and realises with some incredulity that they’re Steve’s army dog tags.

“I, um, I just thought…” Steve says, and he sounds as flustered as Bucky had been earlier.

“You…you want me to have these?” Bucky asks in disbelief, meeting Steve’s eyes. It means something, something important to Steve, Bucky can tell.

“If you want to,” Steve says, blue eyes shining with honest hope.

Bucky can’t even begin to respond. So he does the only thing he can think of. He puts them back down in the box for a moment and reaches into the collar of his shirt to retrieve his own tags that he’s never quite got out of the habit of wearing, pulling them over his head. He’s never really thought of giving them to someone before, though he knows guys who gave theirs to their family or partners. He holds them out and passes them to Steve.

Steve looks completely surprised as he lets the tags fall into his hand. “I…you don’t have to…”

Bucky just lifts Steve’s tags and puts them on, running his fingers over the metal for a moment, reading Steve’s name, before tucking them into his shirt with a little smile at Steve.

“I…” Steve starts, eyes looking sort of filled with wonder. “I…um…” He pauses and looks down at his hands, then puts Bucky’s tags on over his head. “Happy Valentine’s, Buck,” he says softly.

Bucky leans in and hugs him, Steve’s big hands resting on the small of his back. “Happy Valentine’s, Stevie.”

It’s the perfect evening. When the album finishes, they snuggle up on the sofa to watch a movie, while eating the cheesecake Steve made for dessert. Discovering Steve made him cheesecake almost makes his heart beat faster than it did when he gave him the dog tags. Bucky thinks nothing says ‘I really like you’ more than homemade cheesecake.

“Can you stay?” Steve whispers at some point, and Bucky blinks slowly, before realising he’d started to doze on Steve’s shoulder. He doesn’t have work the next day and he really doesn’t want to leave, so he nods.

Steve turns off the TV and Bucky drags himself to his feet. He stretches a little and follows Steve as he switches off lights and then leads him upstairs.

Steve goes over to his dresser when they reach his room and pulls out some navy pyjama pants and a soft-looking grey t-shirt. “These okay?” he asks, offering them over to Bucky.

“Yeah, thanks.” Bucky smiles at the idea of wearing Steve’s clothes.

“I’ll just go brush my teeth and find you a toothbrush,” Steve says, and Bucky appreciates that—the simple way Steve makes it easy for him to change without Steve watching.

By the time Steve comes back, he’s removed his prosthesis, and left it on top of the dresser, covered over with his clothes, and changed into Steve’s slightly too large clothes, including pinning the t-shirt sleeve closed. They’re really soft and they smell like Steve. Bucky’s already planning how to “accidently” steal them in the morning. Steve looks at him, eyes full of affection.

“What?” Bucky asks, feeling a little self-conscious.

“You look really cute,” Steve smiles. “I left a toothbrush out for you.”

“Thanks,” Bucky replies, not sure which comment he’s saying thanks to. He heads to the bathroom to get ready for bed and then returns to find Steve already snuggled under the covers, so he closes the door and joins him, settling in under the covers, facing Steve.

“I had a really great night, Buck,” Steve says, that gorgeous face all soft and happy-looking.

“Me too. Thank you for dinner.” Bucky leans in and kisses him gently. “Do you want me to stay on my side?” he can’t help asking, with a little grin.

Steve rolls his eyes a little at Bucky making fun of him. “Mean, Buck,” he says with a little glower. “Now get over here,” he demands, reaching out for him.

Bucky goes willingly, snuggling into Steve’s chest while Steve rolls onto his back to accommodate him. Steve presses a kiss to his hair, so Bucky presses one to Steve’s collarbone, just above his t-shirt. God, he loves this so much, being tucked against Steve, feeling smaller than he really is, and protected, like nothing could ever hurt him. He’s so happy and comfy, he falls asleep soon after, Steve’s warmth seeping through him, his hand running softly through his hair.

 

****

 

Bucky ends up staying for most of Friday too. He wakes that morning to enjoy some hand action with Steve before he gets to live out the little fantasy he had of sitting at the kitchen counter while Steve makes him breakfast. It’s perfect.

Afterwards, Steve asks if he would like to go furniture shopping with him. He’s still trying to furnish his place and decide what to do with the basement rooms. Bucky doesn’t really have a clue about how to decide what goes with what, but he enjoys wandering with Steve and how Steve asks his opinion on pieces before deciding on them.

They also stop by an art supply store and Bucky realises the notebooks that reside on Steve’s desk are in fact sketchbooks, and that Steve likes drawing in his free time. Bucky loves learning new things about him and secretly hopes Steve will show him his drawings some time, but he doesn’t ask to see them because he doesn’t want to seem pushy. He figures someone’s art can probably be very personal to them. Bucky wouldn’t really know, being only well-versed in stick figures.

After that, they spend late afternoon and evening on Steve’s sofa under a blanket, watching _Rocky_ and _Rocky II_ because people recommended them to Steve. Bucky really doesn’t care what they watch, he just likes feeling Steve’s warm, solid presence next to him and how often he can get Steve distracted into making out with him.

As Steve flicks off the second movie as it ends, he turns to Bucky. “So, there was something I wanted to talk to you about,” Steve starts, a little abruptly.

Bucky looks at him, trying to get a read on where this might be going. Steve looks serious. Oh god, is something wrong? Has he stayed over too long? Does Steve want him to go? Maybe it’s something else. Maybe he has to go away for Avengers work. Fuck, what if he has to go away for a really long time? How is he going to cope without Steve for ages? He hates when he’s gone even for a little while. Dammit, when did he get so deep into this relationship anyway? How did that—

“Buck? You with me?” Steve interrupts.

Bucky blinks at him, Steve coming back into focus. He looks concerned now. “Sorry, sorry,” Bucky rushes to say, pushing his hair back. “Got stuck in a thought spiral,” he mutters.

Steve smiles softly at him, but it’s still a nervous sort of smile. “Okay,” he starts with a deep breath, while Bucky tries to calm his internal panic. “So, I want to tell you about something, an offer really, and you might have no interest whatsoever and that’s fine,” Steve continues, giving Bucky his most earnest look. He takes Bucky’s hand in his. “And I’m not telling you this because I think that you need to or that there’s anything wrong with you, okay?”

Bucky’s panic level is just about hitting one hundred now, because what the fuck is Steve talking about? “Steve, what are you—”

“Sorry, I’m…I’ll explain properly, I just wanted to say that first,” Steve stops him, squeezing his hand. “So, you know my friends know about you now, and they’ve been asking for details, so I’ve sort of told them a little bit about you.” Steve balks at the look on Bucky’s face. “Nothing private, I promise,” he adds quickly. “But, um, the subject of you being in the army may have come up, and somehow we got onto the fact that you’re an amputee.” Steve says that softly, like he’s very worried that Bucky’s going to yell at him.

Bucky’s not sure what to make of it. “Okay…?” he says, looking at Steve with what he knows is a confused look on his face.

Steve seems to relax ever so slightly. “Okay, so you know Tony?”

Bucky lets out a little amused huff, because Steve calls Tony Stark just Tony. “Uh, yes?”

“He has this project he’s been working on for, um, advanced prosthetics?” Steve says gently. “And he offered that you could maybe be the recipient of one?” Steve looks like he’s bracing himself, but also like he’s trying very hard to contain a certain level of excitement.

Bucky takes a minute. His hand is still being grasped between Steve’s big bear paws and it feels all sweaty. “So your buddy Tony Stark wants to give me a new prosthetic arm?” he basically repeats back as he runs over everything in his head.

“Well, yeah,” Steve replies, still waiting for Bucky’s reaction.

Bucky pulls his hand away and Steve’s face falls. He stands up, feeling his eyes narrow at Steve. “So you told your friend how I lost my arm and he feels guilty like you did and wants to try and fix it?” he says, a little vitriol in his tone. He may be many things but he’s no one’s charity case. He can’t even believe Steve right now.

Steve scoots forward on the sofa, so he’s a bit closer, hands gripping the edge. “Buck, no. I didn’t tell him any of that, I swear.”

That makes Bucky pause. He looks down at Steve, who’s giving him the full force of those wide blue eyes, filled with distress. “Oh,” he utters softly.

“He just thought maybe he could help,” Steve continues, his eyes dropping from Bucky’s. “I told him I’d talk it over with you, in case you wanted to. But it’s totally fine if you have no interest in it,” he says again, looking back up.

Bucky feels like an asshole. He sighs and sits back down next to Steve. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have gone off at you like that.”

“It’s fine,” Steve tells him, turning so he’s facing Bucky.

Bucky sighs again, looking down at his hand. “That’s real nice of him, but I can’t afford anything like that. Tell him thanks though.”

Steve is shaking his head when Bucky looks over at him. “It wouldn’t cost you anything. I believe Tony’s exact words were ‘this is like pocket change to me’.”

Bucky scoffs at that. Must be nice to be so rich.

“You’d actually be doing him a favour. You’d be his first recipient,” Steve confesses.

Bucky feels uncomfortable about that. “There must be people who deserve it more,” he starts to protest.

Steve frowns at him. “It’s not about deserving it or not. I mean sure, there’s obviously some nepotism going on here, but Tony said he needs someone strong enough to handle it, and I know how strong you are.” Steve looks at him with this little proud look now.

Bucky frowns in amusement at him. “Strong enough? It’s just a plastic arm.”

“Actually, this would apparently be metal, like my shield in fact,” Steve tells him.

“Seriously?”

“It’s really advanced stuff. And I think he meant mentally strong more than physically. But um, Tony said he’d have to make sure it would work for you, and that would depend on the, um, damage to your shoulder, so it’s not a guarantee that you’d be a candidate, but it’s a possibility. And the arm…you’d be able to hold things and feel things apparently,” Steve says, his eyes looking hopeful.

“Seriously?” Bucky says again and frowns at him. “Feel things?” That sounds super unrealistic to him, no matter how advanced Tony seems to think his work is.

Steve looks down. “Yeah, um, that’s the thing. It actually connects to your nerves, so it would require an operation. Tony said the recovery time could be quite a while,” he admits.

Bucky can’t really take in the idea of surgery. He’s had enough surgery for one lifetime. “How long?” he asks instead.

“Tony said it would depend, but probably at least a couple of weeks in bed and then longer before you could do anything with it, maybe a month or two, total?” Steve says, looking at him with a little wince.

Bucky’s heart sinks. He hadn’t realised he’d been interested until then. His stupid brain got his hopes up without him even realising. He lets out a sad little breath. “Tell him thanks, but I can’t do it.”

“No?” Steve asks, eyes looking not disappointed as such, but maybe a little disheartened. “I mean, that’s fine,” he adds quickly, “but are you sure?”

“Yeah.” Bucky tries to give him a little smile, like it doesn’t bother him. “I don’t really want to go through surgery again and I can’t take that sort of time off work anyway.” He’s got bills. Mr. Eisenhardt is understanding and all, but he’s not _that_ understanding. Bucky would lose his job and it took him forever to get it and he needs it. Maybe Tony’s metal arm _would_ be cool, but he can’t do it.

“Maybe we could talk to your boss?” Steve offers gently.

Bucky sighs and looks down at his lap. “I said no, Steve,” he says, voice firm, but not unkind. Just final.

“Okay,” Steve says quietly next to him.

Bucky looks over at him after they sit there for a few silent seconds. “Thank you for offering.”

Steve nods at him. “I just thought I’d let you know, give you the option,” Steve says, attempting a small smile.

Bucky manages his own small half smile back as he gets up. “I should probably get going.” He feels tired all of a sudden and he should really get home. Plus his head is filling with memories of waking up with an arm missing and he feels a little like he might vomit.

Steve looks full of concern again as he stands up. “You don’t have to go.”

Bucky puts his hand on Steve’s chest, fingers stroking along the white cotton fabric of his t-shirt, feeling the solid muscles beneath. “Gotta get home and do some laundry before it goes moldy,” he tries to grin.

“Oh,” Steve says softly. “Okay.”

Bucky moves his hand and they head out to the hallway where Bucky pulls on his shoes and coat and grabs his bag. He turns to say goodbye to Steve, to see him standing there with a really sad look on his face.

“Are you mad at me?” Steve asks as he meets Bucky’s eyes.

Bucky huffs, rolling his eyes a little at Steve’s unintentional little kid impression. He leans in and puts his hand on Steve’s cheek and plants a kiss on his lips. “No, Stevie, I’m not mad.” He practically feels Steve relaxing under his hand. He moves away and lets out a breath. “It was just a kinda heavy thing to talk about, is all. Just gotta…process,” he finishes.

Steve nods at him like he understands. “Okay.” He looks at Bucky hopefully. “You wanna get dinner Tuesday night?” he asks.

Bucky smiles at his sweet hopeful face. “Love to.” He leans in and kisses Steve again, just gently and softly, but it’s nice. He’s still feeling a bit wound up and tense, but that’s not Steve’s fault. “Call me later,” he tells Steve.

He walks home, imagining having a metal arm that was just like a real one—one he could pick up things with and open jars with and how he could tie his hair back. Then he laughs to himself. No matter how advanced Tony’s arm is, nothing’s ever going to give him that back. He’ll never be like he was. And he’s not doing it anyway. It’s pointless to think about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's really hard to dance to When I Fall in Love. Diligent writer that I am, I attempted it by myself and it's got like no rhythm to properly dance, not even swaying. But it's cute so I went with it anyway.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this long ass chapter. The next one's worse, both in terms of length and sappiness. Let me know if you liked this one? :D


	8. Come Undone

Sometimes Bucky really hates who he is. After Steve’s offer, he tries hard to get his emotions in check and get back to normal, but all these memories keep coming up and he feels trapped by them. He starts having nightmares again, which means for the next few days he barely sleeps.

He wakes up in a cold sweat, remembering sobbing on Becca’s shoulder in the hospital before their parents arrived and then the look on their faces when they saw what had happened to their only son. Their strong army man, lying devastated in a hospital bed, missing a limb, from an accident instead of while doing something people would label as heroic. He knows how hard it was for them to see him that way. It’s partly why he avoids seeing them now. He hates feeling like a burden and how he knows they look at him and think about how he used to be. They see him so infrequently he supposes it’ll never seem normal to them, but he can’t bring himself to change that. It’s too hard.

On Monday night, his phantom limb pain comes back. He hasn’t had that in a while. It’s jarring and it hurts. He tries to make it through work but eventually has to go home sick. He lies to his boss, saying he’s sick to his stomach, instead of explaining the real reason. Normal people go home with upset stomachs, not phantom limb pain, and he hates calling attention to the fact that he’s not normal.

He texts Steve to cancel dinner on Tuesday, giving him the same fake excuse, while he lies in bed clutching his shoulder, trying desperately not to cry. Steve offers to come and look after him, because he’s amazing, but Bucky tells him it’s fine and he’ll text him when he’s better.

He thinks about calling Becca and asking her to come over, but he doesn’t want her to see him like this. It’s been a long time since she has and he wants her to believe he’s all better, even though he knows he isn’t. But it’s been so long, he almost thought he was. It makes him sink even further, knowing that. Eventually he breaks down and calls Sam.

Sam gives him a giant bear hug the minute Bucky opens his door. “You’re alright,” he says a couple of times, trying to comfort him, rubbing his back. “You go sit, I’m gonna make you some tea.”

Bucky can’t help laughing a little at that. “Tea?”

“It’ll make you feel a little better, guaranteed,” Sam says, sounding absolutely positive about that. He’s carrying a bag that must contain tea, seeing as Bucky doesn’t ever make himself tea.

“Yeah, alright.” Bucky gives in and trundles back to his bed.

Sam heads over with water first. “You take any painkillers?”

Bucky nods. “Yeah.” They’re sort of working, but not quite enough.

“You think a heating pad would help?” Sam offers. “Some of the guys at the VA says it helps?”

Bucky thinks about it. “Can’t hurt,” he agrees.

Sam nods and goes back to the kitchen where he rummages in the bag he brought and retrieves a box of air-activated adhesive heating pads and brings it over to him. “You want me to?” he offers, but Bucky shakes his head.

“I’ve got it.” Bucky waits for Sam to go back to making tea before stretching out the collar of the old t-shirt he’s wearing so he can stick the thing onto the inside of his shirt at the shoulder. Even Sam hasn’t seen his shoulder and he intends to keep it that way. As the thing starts to warm up, it does feel like it’s helping even though the pain isn’t really in his shoulder.

Sam comes back and passes him a mug. “Chamomile,” he tells him as Bucky takes it. He goes to the bag and pulls something else out and then goes to Bucky’s TV, turning it on. Then he returns to sit next to Bucky on the bed.

Bucky smiles in surprise as the DVD menu for _The Fellowship of the Ring_ appears on screen. “Seriously?” he asks, looking over at Sam.

Sam grins at him. “Sometimes you just need the distraction. And I know how distracted you get by Aragorn’s ass, so…” He shrugs.

Bucky pouts at him, even though that’s totally true. He squishes down into his bed a little more, feeling a little calmer. “Thanks, Sammy,” he sighs softly.

“Anytime, peach-pie.”

 

****

 

Bucky feels a hundred times better by the time Sam leaves him and over the next couple of days, he starts to feel more like himself again. By the Thursday, he’s back at work, feeling awful for missing three days when he should have been in, but at the same time, he’s very aware he needed them. Fridays and Saturdays are his normal days off, so just working Thursday gives him the chance to settle back into it again anyway, without overdoing it.

By Thursday evening, he’s determined to get back to normal, and normal now includes Steve. They’ve been texting over the last few days, Steve worried about Bucky’s fake stomach flu, but thankfully Steve didn’t just show up to check on him, which Bucky appreciated, especially as he knows Steve would have if Bucky hadn’t been firm on telling him not to.

He decides to call and see if Steve is free for tomorrow. He’s missed seeing him. And being held by him. And basically everything about him.

“Hey, how’re you feeling?” Steve answers, sounding practically delighted to hear from him.

“Better, thanks,” Bucky tells him. “How’s your week been?”

“Pretty slow,” Steve replies. “Which is a good thing, I suppose.”

Bucky lets out a little amused chuckle. Yeah, slow is good in Steve’s case because it means no one’s trying to destroy the world that week.

“I’ve been working on the house mostly,” Steve continues. “I’ve missed you though,” he adds softly.

Bucky’s suddenly very aware of the metal dog tags against his chest. “I’ve missed you too. Do you want to come over tomorrow?”

“You’re all better?” Steve questions.

“Yeah, I think I am,” Bucky smiles, Steve’s voice relaxing him as he daydreams about having Steve’s arms round him again.

“I’m glad. I was worried about you,” Steve confesses, concern in his voice.

Bucky feels guilty about that. He didn’t mean to make Steve worry. “So, tomorrow?” he prompts.

“Definitely, I’d love to,” Steve replies. “I’ve got to go to the tower for most of the day, but I could be over by five?”

“Sounds good, Stevie,” Bucky smiles. He thinks he hears Steve let out a soft sigh when he says his name.

“Okay. Tomorrow. See you then, Buck,” Steve says, and they hang up.

That night, Bucky doesn’t have any nightmares.

 

****

 

Bucky spends the day tidying his apartment and then having a generally relaxing day. When it gets closer to five, he orders pizza for an early dinner for when Steve gets there. He’s being a bit extravagant with his take-out buying lately, but so what. Steve deserves delicious melty cheesy goodness. Bucky just won’t buy any other treats that month.

The pizza arrives just before Steve does, knocking on Bucky’s door as usual.

“Okay, I gotta ask,” Bucky starts as he opens the door to find Steve looking blindingly gorgeous like usual. “How do you keep getting in the downstairs door?”

Steve seems surprised by the question as the smile that was appearing on his face freezes. “Um, one of your neighbours hides a key in the planter out front. I’m sorry, I can stop,” he says in a rush.

Bucky gives him a pondering look. “Huh. That’s way less sneaky a way than I thought. And it’s fine. Might need to figure out which neighbour is jeopardising the safety of the building though,” he jokes. He smiles at Steve. “Hi, by the way.”

Steve’s smile comes back. “Hi,” he replies, looking at Bucky with those warm eyes of his.

Bucky leans in and hugs him and Steve lets out this little noise of contentment. “Missed you,” Bucky murmurs into his neck.

Steve pulls back and brushes his hand over Bucky’s face. “Me too.”

He leans in and oh god, Bucky has missed those lips. Steve’s kisses make his whole body tingle, even though he keeps them light and chaste. Bucky chokes down the moan he wants to make and when they break apart, he remembers food and leads Steve to the kitchen.

One and a half large pizzas later, they’re lying on Bucky’s bed watching _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_. Steve has, of course, never seen it, so Bucky _had_ to make him watch it. He’s not entirely sure Steve gets it, but Steve seems to put a lot of focus into watching it, as though paying attention to make Bucky happy.

“Not really your kinda thing?” Bucky asks as he reaches for the remote to flick the TV off after the second episode.

Steve smiles sheepishly. “No, it’s good, it is. It’s just…different, I guess?” He sits up, stretching a little. “I like Buffy though, she’s strong.”

Bucky smirks a little. “You superheroes, always sticking together, huh?”

Steve rolls his eyes at Bucky. “I’m not a superhero.”

Bucky chuckles. “Okay, Steve, whatever you say.”

“I’m not!” Steve argues.

“Right…” Bucky says, jokingly sarcastic. “Like you couldn’t stake vampires or lift me with one hand.”

Steve laughs. “Well, I don’t know about the vampires…”

“You could lift me though,” Bucky says, a teasing spark in his eyes.

Steve shrugs, like he has to think about it, like he couldn’t do it as easy as breathing.

“Prove it,” Bucky challenges, getting up from the bed, wandering round to Steve’s side.

Steve raises an eyebrow. “I already picked you up once.”

“Not with one hand,” Bucky counters. He’s not sure why he’s so into this idea all of a sudden, but he can’t back down now.

Steve exhales loudly as he gets up from the bed. “You asked for it,” he warns, before leaning down, wrapping one arm just under Bucky’s ass and heaving him over his broad shoulder, fireman style.

Bucky gasps as Steve straightens, balancing him there like it’s nothing. Sure, Bucky’s lost some of the muscle he had when he was in the army, but he’s still by no means a small guy. It’s impressive. He suddenly realises Steve probably has a very good view of his ass this way, just as Bucky seems to of his. “Shit, okay, you win,” Bucky says.

Steve chuckles and gently lowers him down, Bucky’s body sort of sliding against Steve’s all the way down until his feet touch the floor. They stand there pressed up close against each other, both breathing a little faster than usual.

“Why’s that so hot?” Bucky murmurs, not meaning to say it out loud.

Steve smirks at him. “Is it?”

Bucky covers for his slip by leaning closer and pressing his lips to Steve’s in a soft kiss. “Do you want to stay over?” he asks tentatively, the air around them suddenly feeling heavy.

“I’d love to,” Steve replies instantly.

“Cool,” Bucky replies, trying to stay casual, when really, he’s thrilled.

Steve looks at him with those perfect eyes before he closes the gap again and initiates the next kiss, gentle and soft.

Something breaks in Bucky. His hand snakes up to hold onto Steve’s neck as he kisses him again, this time firmer, more demanding. Steve groans and kisses Bucky fiercely, then suddenly wraps his arms around Bucky again and lifts him up.

Bucky lets out a noise of surprise against Steve’s lips, wrapping his legs round that trim waist of Steve’s, but they keep kissing, neither seeming to want to stop for anything. He’s never been lifted like this before and he finds himself really liking it. Steve’s tongue is soft against his as he delves deeper into Bucky’s mouth, effectively muffling the little gasps that Bucky seems to be making now. The hand not supporting Bucky’s weight starts to shuck up Bucky’s shirt, warm fingers against his stomach, pushing it upwards, and that’s when Bucky panics.

He pulls back, unwrapping his legs, practically falling out of Steve’s arms, managing to stand again with a little wobble. “Sorry, I’m sorry,” Bucky says instantly, seeing the worry on Steve’s face. “I just…I don’t want to do that.” He can’t help it, it’s how he feels. He waits to see if Steve will react badly.

“Do what, Buck?” Steve asks gently.

God, he looks so pretty, lips all plump and red from their enthusiastic kisses. Bucky hates himself. Hates that he can’t just be normal. Hates that he’s so scared. He looks at the floor. “I, um, my shirt. I don’t want to…”

“Oh,” Steve utters. “That’s okay,” he says straight away.

Bucky looks up at him. Steve looks completely honest, just worried. “It’s really not.” Bucky pushes his hair back behind his ear, feeling awkward and self-conscious. “It’s not that I don’t want to do…stuff,” he starts, then pauses to take a breath, looking away. “I just, I don’t want you to see it. I can’t.” He can feel himself shaking a little as he speaks.

“That’s okay. I understand. We can just go slow and then maybe one day—”

“I’m never going to want you to see it,” Bucky cuts in, head snapping up. “It’s horrible and scarred and I don’t want you…even _I_ don’t like looking at it,” he admits. He avoids it as much as possible.

“Bucky…” Steve starts, looking like he wants to reach out to him, but then thinking better of it. He pauses for a few seconds, looking like he’s having some kind of internal battle, then he looks Bucky in the eye. “I think you should show me,” he finally says.

Bucky looks at him in total disbelief. “What? I just told you—”

“I know. I know what you said. But can you tell me why? Exactly why, the end reason, why you don’t want me to see?” Steve asks, complete kindness in his voice, but still firm in his delivery.

Bucky prickles. “I just told you. It’s ugly.”

“I promise I won’t think that, but even if it was, why would that matter?” Steve replies, pushing a little.

Bucky hates this conversation. He wants to curl up in a blanket burrito and shut Steve out entirely. He looks at his feet, wishing very much that the floor might open up and swallow him whole. When that doesn’t happen, he forces himself to answer the question, though he doesn’t quite know why. “Because...I don’t want you to see me like that.”

“Like what?” Steve presses.

Something in Bucky snaps. “Broken and ugly, Steve!” he exclaims, eyes narrowed in disbelief at Steve. He falls silent for a moment while Steve looks sadly at him. “Why are you doing this?” he almost whispers.

Steve just gazes at him softly, taking a moment again before he speaks. “When I was younger, back before I became this,” he says, gesturing to himself, “I was what other people might call broken and ugly. Dames wanted nothing to do with me, I was small and short, I had more medical conditions than I could count. I hated my body and how I couldn’t do things other people could or how I wasn’t strong like them or sometimes how I couldn’t even breathe right.” He reaches for the hem of his shirt and starts tugging it over his head.

“What are you doing?” Bucky startles, watching him from a few feet away, as he’s faced with an expanse of skin and he takes in the sight that is Steve Rogers’ naked chest for the first time, with Bucky’s tags right there hanging round his neck. Is he going to pass out? He thinks he’s maybe going to pass out.

Steve doesn’t respond to that, he just keeps going. “No one wanted me. Not girls, not the army. Not until I became this.” He drops his shirt on the floor and starts on the button and zipper of his pants.

Bucky is frozen, watching him, wondering what the hell he’s doing.

“The thing is,” he says, as he pushes his pants to the floor and starts stepping out of them and pulling off his socks, “I still see myself as the same scrawny kid I was. Doesn’t matter how many times I see myself in the mirror, doesn’t matter how many women or men look at me now.” He straightens and looks at Bucky, as he now stands there in just his navy boxers. “When you look at me the way you do,” he says, pure warmth in his eyes, “I still think ‘what the hell does someone like that see in someone like me’. But then I think, even if I didn’t look like this…I think you would still look at me that way. Because I think you see me. I think you look past the outside and you see _me_. So…” He reaches for the waistband of his boxers and pulls them off with no hesitation.

Bucky thinks he might be gaping like a fish out of water. He looks down and swallows hard and tries desperately to get his eyes to look back at Steve’s face. It’s not like he hasn’t seen (and touched and sucked) Steve’s dick before, but it’s different this time. He’s never even been shirtless with Bucky and now he’s entirely naked, standing there looking like a vulnerable muscled god.

Steve has a little indulgent smile on his face when Bucky manages to tear his eyes away, but he doesn’t wait for Bucky to say anything, which is good cause word-forming is not really working for Bucky right now. Instead, Steve continues. “If you think I’m going to look at you, at any part of you, and not still think you’re beautiful, you’re wrong. If you think it’s going to make me leave or not want to be with you…that won’t happen. Because you _are_ incredibly beautiful, but that’s not all I see. I see you.”

Bucky’s vision starts to blur as tears invade his eyes. He tries to blink them back, but they overflow and he wipes at his face frantically. He tries to gather himself and looks at Steve again. Perfect, wonderful Steve who’s just laid himself bare, literally and figuratively. For _him_. “I’m scared,” Bucky chokes out finally, surprising himself with his own honesty.

“So am I,” Steve replies with a little smile, still standing there completely naked, but making no move to cover himself. “It _is_ okay if you can’t, but I just…I needed you to know, you don’t have to be scared because of me.”

Bucky feels so moved by Steve’s actions and words that he takes a deep breath. He tries to steel himself. He tries very hard to not overthink this. Maybe he can do this. Maybe…He can at least try. He tentatively lowers his hand to start by unbuttoning his jeans. It’s tricky getting them off one-handed, but Steve doesn’t laugh at him, doesn’t do anything, except watch Bucky with warm eyes. Bucky eventually gets those and his socks off, leaving them balled up on the floor. He takes another shuddering breath. He’s just in a long-sleeved forest green henley, pinned up on the left side, and black boxers now, and he’s absolutely terrified.

“You have really hot thighs,” Steve says out of nowhere.

Bucky bursts into laughter as Steve grins at him. He rubs a hand over his face. It’s exactly what he needed to break the tension he was feeling. Bucky can’t even believe just how perfect Steve is, the way he knows Bucky so well already, the way he can sense what he needs. And just like that, Bucky knows he can do this. He doesn’t want to, will never _want_ to, but he can. He can do this for Steve. And for himself. But mostly he can do it for them.

Bucky struggles to get his right arm out of his shirt. It’s not elegant at all, but he manages it, and then he takes another deep breath and pulls the shirt over his head and off his left shoulder, dropping it to the floor. He instinctively closes his eyes, feeling like he’s holding his breath, waiting for the world to fall apart.

“Bucky,” Steve says, and it sounds like he’s nearer than he was. There’s no disgust in his tone though, just his warm, comforting Steve voice. “Buck, can you open your eyes for me?” he asks gently.

It takes Bucky a few moments and then he manages to, forcing himself to open his eyes slowly, to find Steve is just a foot away now, and then he reaches his eyes which are filled with nothing but warmth and compassion, but Bucky still feels nervous, his heart pounding so loud he can hear it in his ears and thinks Steve must be able to hear it too.

“You’re the bravest man I’ve ever met,” Steve tells him. “And the most beautiful.”

Bucky feels himself blush. He finally looks down at the remains of his left arm. He still thinks it looks horrible. It still feels strange to not see his whole arm there, it always does. But Steve is looking too, and Steve’s expression hasn’t changed one bit. He’s still looking at Bucky like he hung the moon and the stars.

There’s only one bit of clothing remaining. It’s not nearly as scary as the last one. Bucky takes another breath and pulls off his boxers, stepping out of them so now he and Steve are just standing naked together, the only things they’re wearing being each other’s dog tags. It’s so weird, because it’s not. He still feels safe even though it’s hard, shattering the wall around him like this, but he thinks it’s worth it. He wants Steve to see him.

He can’t help the way his eyes wander over Steve’s body. He’s pure muscle and strength, which is such a contrast to the sweet and caring man Bucky knows him to be. Every inch of him is gorgeous. Bucky’s treacherous eyes find their way back to Steve’s stupidly perfect dick to find Steve is hard. Bucky lets out an involuntary sound, not even a word, just a choked sort of noise. When he looks up, Steve is blushing.

“Sorry,” he says. “Can’t really help it with you standing there like that.”

Bucky would definitely be in the same situation if it wasn’t for the fear that had been running through him. But that’s starting to settle. The longer he stands here like this…he feels better each moment.

“Can I hold you?” Steve asks shyly, cautiously.

Bucky finds himself nodding without thought.

Steve steps forward and gathers Bucky into his arms, chin over Bucky’s left shoulder, which would usually make him panic, but this time there’s just the little jolt at the idea of Steve being so close, but then the realisation that it’s okay. Plus he has other things to think about, like Steve’s hard cock pressing against his hip.

Steve presses a gentle kiss to Bucky’s left shoulder and Bucky feels himself tearing up again. He feels like they’ve suddenly gone from zero to a hundred in only a matter of minutes—that’s how intense his feelings for Steve are all of a sudden. He could never in a million years have pictured this moment but he’s suddenly incredibly grateful to Steve, that somehow this amazing man made doing this okay.

“Thank you,” he whispers, swallowing tears.

“Thank you for trusting me,” Steve murmurs back.

Steve lifts his head and presses a kiss to Bucky’s hair, and Bucky loves him. He just knows he does. It’s not even a question, it’s just a realisation. His heart is pounding, his palm feels sweaty, but he’s not scared now. He’s given Steve something no one else has ever seen, and now he wants to give him more. He wants to give him everything.

Bucky presses himself into Steve’s chest even more and Steve lets out a little noise as his cock gets pressed between them. Bucky’s already getting excited just by that noise, as well as by his own dick getting pressed against Steve’s soft skin. Bucky moves his head back so he can see Steve, and then captures his lips, his hand coming up to hold Steve’s jaw as he does so.

They kiss softly, like Steve isn’t quite sure where Bucky’s head’s at. Bucky shudders against him as the kiss somehow covers his whole body. He feels it, like warmth seeping down over him, a safe cocoon wrapping over just him and Steve. The kiss seems to go on endlessly and it gets more and more passionate as it goes on. One of Steve’s hands is on the small of his back, pulling him close, the other tangled in his hair, while he pants out Bucky’s name, as though he’s forgotten any other word, when Bucky kisses down his neck.

Bucky wants to kiss every inch of him, needs Steve to know how grateful he is, how lucky he feels to have Steve in his life and in his arms, but Steve’s hand guides Bucky’s face back to his, so he can moan into Bucky’s lips as they meet again.

Bucky’s rock hard now, cock pressed against Steve’s, rubbing deliciously together every time their hips move. It’s so good he can barely stand it, but he still can’t seem to stop kissing Steve, can’t find it in his head to pull him to the bed so they can continue this. He’s helpless against Steve’s mouth.

For the first time, Steve doesn’t stop to ask if he’s okay, or if it’s okay for him to touch. He just seems to know. The hand on Bucky’s lower back slides downwards, to take a firm grip on his ass, and Steve lets out another lustful groan. Bucky’s fine with it, more than fine, but it does jolt him out of his haze, and reminds him that he has a perfectly good bed just a foot away. So he finally breaks the kiss and moves Steve backwards until his legs hit the bed and he gets the idea and sits down.

Bucky clambers onto his lap, knees either side of Steve’s legs, Steve’s arm instantly wrapping round his waist to keep him there.

For a moment, they just look at each other, before Steve pushes Bucky’s hair back behind his ear. “You’re so goddamn gorgeous, Buck,” he says softly, eyes filled with warmth like sunsets and just everything _Steve_ , right there staring at him in wonder.

“I want you,” Bucky murmurs back, the only thing he can think of saying as it’s the only true thing right now. He’s overwhelmed by _want_. He wants Steve so badly, wants to feel him, wants to be connected to him and never let go. It’s so different than anything Bucky’s experienced before. It’s not about pleasure or the fact that his cock is achingly hard and leaking, though it is. It’s about so much more. It’s about being with Steve, them being together, Steve knowing that Bucky trusts him with everything, with every little piece of himself. Bucky’s never wanted a person this way before. He realises maybe this is what love is like.

Steve makes a sound like he agrees, before easily maneuvering Bucky onto his back so he’s beneath him, Steve’s large body encasing his. Steve’s hand tickles down his skin as he caresses along Bucky’s chest, Bucky’s hips canting up, a gasp escaping when Steve’s fingers brush over his nipples on their way to his abs, before one large hand slides under Bucky’s leg to grip his ass again. Steve’s head follows the path of his hand, lips brushing over his chest, as he slides down until he’s right there, breath ghosting over Bucky’s cock, and then he wraps his lips around him and suckles on the head.

Bucky cries out. He can’t help it. Steve’s mouth, wet and warm and soft, feels so good…so, so good. His muscles tighten, hips jerking upwards again, and Steve takes a long lick along the length of his shaft. He looks down to see Steve looking at him before he dives back in.

Five minutes later, Bucky’s a writhing, pleasure-soaked mess. Every lick, every press of Steve’s tongue, the slide of his lips, is sending Bucky into the stratosphere. Bucky’s gasping with the sensations, choking out Steve’s name, but god, he needs more, he needs everything. He starts begging Steve to touch him more. He needs his hands now.

“Do you, um…have stuff?” Steve asks softly when he pulls back, Bucky’s hips canting up involuntarily, trying to get him closer again.

“In the drawer,” Bucky tells him, frantically motioning with his hand, catching his breath.

He hates that Steve is away from him, even just for those ten seconds while he rummages around, but Bucky makes use of the time to helpfully shove a pillow under his hips. A few moments later, Steve is back over him, kissing him, before Bucky shudders as he feels his finger tracing around, just teasing, until finally Steve gently presses it into him.

Bucky keens at the stretch. It’s been a while. More than a while. But it’s only a few moments before the slight twinge fades and Steve gently works him open, until Bucky’s decided he’s never having sex with anyone but Steve again, because he’s so careful and attentive and no one else will ever compare. And god, Bucky’s brain comes back online for a moment and realises that’s crazy because Steve’s not even in him yet, but he just knows it’s true. Steve is made for him. He’s sure of it.

Bucky starts to press back after a little while, when it starts feeling really good. Then Steve curls his fingers just right and Bucky’s hips shoot up off the bed. “Holy fuck…” he cries out, while Steve presses his hips gently back down. “I’m ready…please…” Bucky manages to moan out, while Steve continues his onslaught.

Steve finally pulls his fingers free, Bucky missing him already. Bucky sees him pick up a box of condoms in one hand, fumbling to open the box, and Bucky realises Steve’s nervous. The idea of that warms Bucky’s heart—that he’s not the only one here feeling that way. Then he remembers. “I thought we didn’t need to?” Bucky asks breathily.

Steve stills his hands for a moment. “I, um…I didn’t want to assume,” he says.

Bucky reaches out and takes the box from him and flings it across the room without thinking. Then he realises what he did as Steve watches the box flying. “Shit. Sorry, I…did you want to use one?” Bucky stutters.

Steve looks at him with those big blue eyes. “God no,” he breathes, and Bucky feels better.

He picks up the lube and presses it into Steve’s hand and then lifts his hand, waiting. Steve figures out what he wants and drizzles Bucky’s hand with lube and Bucky reaches out to stroke his hand over Steve’s cock, getting him all slidey.

Steve moans as Bucky works his hand over him slowly. “Buck…I…” he stutters out, cutting himself off with a little groan of pleasure.

“You’re incredible, Stevie,” Bucky tells him, in awe of the man above him. “How do you want me?” he offers, gripping him, loving how hard Steve is in his hand, his body flooding with anticipation at having Steve inside him.

“Like this…just like this…” Steve tells him, eyes opening from where they’d fallen shut. “I need to see you.”

Bucky releases him, wiping his slicked hand on the bed, and pulls Steve down as best he can. As soon as Steve is positioned over him, he wraps his legs around him, making the angle better, but also keeping Steve close to him, because while he was sitting next to him, he was too far away.

Steve glances down, taking himself in his hand, and Bucky feels him nudging against him and his heart pounds, before Steve looks into his eyes as if waiting for confirmation.

“God, yes. Yes, yes, yes, Stevie, please…” Bucky breathes out. Maybe he should be embarrassed because he’s basically begging for Steve’s cock, but he doesn’t care. He wants Steve inside him now. He needs to feel Steve filling him up.

“You’re perfect,” Steve says, before he presses forward.

Bucky hears a sound come out of his mouth that’s part way between a grunt and moan as the head of Steve’s cock stretches him slowly. He hears Steve panting over him with the effort it must be taking to go so slowly, and Bucky opens his eyes, not realising before that they’d fluttered shut. Steve’s watching him when he meets his eyes and then it’s all so intense as he keeps pressing in slowly and he keeps eye contact with Bucky. No one’s ever done that with him before. Bucky feels completely vulnerable and open and _seen_. It’s like Steve can see straight into his soul with how connected Bucky feels to him right now.

Bucky lifts his head a little and Steve clearly understands what he wants as he lowers his head until their lips meet, kissing hotly, Bucky taking control of the kiss, while Steve controls every other part of him.

When Steve is flush against him, he breaks the kiss and lets out a little groan. “Oh god, Buck…” he murmurs, pressing their bodies close together, Steve’s abs hard against Bucky’s cock.

Bucky’s never felt so full. It’s like every nerve he has is on fire. He can’t seem to catch his breath, air escaping him in little gasps as he adjusts to Steve’s generous size and how his cock is pressing against his prostate. He wants to just savour it, but god he needs Steve to move.

Bucky tilts his hips up. “Baby, please, I need you…you’ve gotta move…” he pants. Somewhere in the back of his mind he registers he’s just called Steve ‘baby’, but Steve doesn’t seem to mind.

Steve captures his lips in another kiss before rolling his hips, pulling out just a little, before pressing back in.

Bucky keens. Oh god, the noises he’s making are inhuman, but he doesn’t care. Steve keeps doing that, keeping this slow rhythm, shallow thrusts getting a little longer each time, until he’s pulling out until Bucky’s clenching around just the head of his cock before he thrusts back to the hilt. Bucky keep waiting for him to speed up, to lose control, but he doesn’t. He keeps up this maddening pace, making Bucky feel every inch of him, every press and drag inside, until Bucky’s a quivering wreck.

“Stevie, baby…oh god…” Bucky’s going to die. He’s sure of it. There’s no way he can keep existing with this feeling.

Steve kisses him again, tongue dipping inside to taste him, before he moves to Bucky’s collarbone, pressing hot kisses along there and up to his neck, that leave his skin tingling. One of his hands slides down Bucky’s leg to cup his ass, pulling them even closer together and Steve moans out his pleasure at that and Bucky tightens his thighs round Steve’s tiny, perfect waist. But still, Steve doesn’t speed up. He seems to be enjoying taking his time, existing in every moment with Bucky. Bucky’s never seen this sort of self-control before. Everyone he’s ever fucked has been all about the end goal, but this, with Steve…it’s only about this, about being close together, as close as they can be, skin pressed against skin, hearing each other’s moans…

Time sees to stretch on endlessly. Bucky feels practically boneless, swept up in the moment, Steve making him feel things he didn’t know he could. He runs his hand over every part of Steve he can reach. Steve looks into his eyes again when Bucky runs his hand down Steve’s arm, feeling the frankly astonishing muscles there. Christ, his boyfriend is so fucking hot, Bucky should burst into flames just by being near him. Steve crushes them even closer together again, this time moving his hand to stroke Bucky’s hair back, and the friction against Bucky’s cock combined with the relentless, deep strokes inside is just too good.

“I’m close…fuck…” Bucky pants out, everything building up, his body right on the edge.

“God, yes, I wanna come with you,” Steve tells him, thrusting just a little harder, still refusing to speed up, even as Bucky digs his heel into Steve’s ass, trying to urge him to.

Steve leans right into him, face buried in Bucky’s neck. Bucky grips onto his firm back muscles as he feels his body tightening, the feeling just becoming too much, Steve sliding in and out of him, filling him so perfectly, hips rolling, skin sweaty now against Bucky’s…it’s just too good. And then Steve sucks down on Bucky’s neck, his thrusts finally becoming a little more erratic, and Bucky swears his vision whites out as he comes hard, body stiffening, before his cock spurts out his release against their stomachs. Bucky cries out loudly, as his orgasm rocks through him, and he hasn’t even finished before Steve’s moaning out his name and Bucky swears he can feel Steve pulsing inside him as Steve comes with him, finally collapsing down against Bucky’s chest.

Bucky doesn’t know how long they lie there pressed together, legs tangled, waiting for their breathing to even out, Bucky waiting for his brain to switch back on after Steve fucked the thoughts right out of him.

Steve eventually moves, lifting his head to kiss Bucky again, this time gentle and soft, before he pulls back and smiles softly at Bucky.

Bucky feels like sunshine is pouring onto him. “How can you be smiling that bashfully after _that_?” Bucky smiles back, staring at the gorgeous man above him, hand coming up to hold Steve’s jaw as he kisses him again.

“That was incredible,” Steve says when he pulls back.

“You’re telling me,” Bucky replies, still basking in the afterglow.

“You’re incredible,” Steve amends, before he lifts himself further and his cock slips out of Bucky, Bucky gasping at the feeling.

Steve pulls the covers over them as he snuggles in next to Bucky. Bucky wiggles until he’s comfy, head on Steve’s shoulder, tangling his fingers up with Steve’s, stalwartly ignoring the fact that he can feel Steve’s come trickling out of him. He’ll clean up in a little while, he just wants to lay there with Steve first.

Steve lifts their joined hands to kiss Bucky’s, before lowering them back down. “Thank you,” he says softly.

Bucky chuckles. He’s never been thanked for sex before. “Umm, you’re welcome?”

Steve lets out what sounds like a little happy breath. “I mean for trusting me. And I guess for the other stuff too,” he laughs. “I really wasn’t trying to get you into bed with that, you know,” he adds, suddenly sounding a little worried.

Bucky lets out a little amused snort. “Yeah, I know.” And then he realises his left arm is still out, on full display, and it’s okay. It’s not easy, but it is okay.

Steve lets go of his hand and starts lifting his arm. “Buck, can I…?” he asks.

Bucky looks over and sees what he’s asking and instead of answering, he shifts his head a little, so Steve can wrap his arm round him and then Steve places his hand so gently and tenderly on Bucky’s left shoulder. Bucky settles his head back to rest against Steve’s and Steve seems to realise it’s okay, because his fingers start slowly stroking over what’s left of Bucky’s arm, in these light little movements.

Bucky lets out a soft breath. It’s been so long since he’s been touched there, and he’s never been touched there with such kindness. He feels his eyes welling up, but he just lets it happen. He breathes softly and slowly, feeling a sense of calm washing over him, even as tears start to roll down his face, and he just loves Steve. He has no doubt at all now, that’s what this feeling is.

“Buck?” Steve says, stilling his hand, voice full of concern, when he probably feels his shoulder getting wet.

Bucky doesn’t look up at him, but just shakes his head a little. “I’m fine, you can keep doing that, Stevie.”

“Okay,” Steve replies, and Bucky can hear the smile in his voice, and his fingers start moving again.

“Thank you,” Bucky echoes Steve.

“For what?” Steve asks, as though he doesn’t know what he’s just given Bucky.

“For seeing me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah so I know...the stripping thing is a little cliche, but I loved it so I went with it. I hope you liked it too. 
> 
> Next chapter...this thing starts getting plot! Not just fluff anymore.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading, kudosing and commenting! I'd love to hear from you in the comments :D


	9. This Picture

Perfection never lasts. It makes sense, considering perfection isn’t supposed to exist, but that’s what Bucky has had with Steve over the last two weeks. Everything is just so _right_. Bucky’s so happy, so fuckin’ happy, he can’t even believe it. Steve tells him how happy he is too, and Bucky believes him. They’re still living in their little bubble, neither wanting to emerge from it, even though Becca and Sam have been bugging him consistently about meeting Steve, and the Avengers have been doing the same to Steve about Bucky apparently. Steve’s actually worried that Natasha might just turn up one day, instead of waiting.

But still, neither of them can seem to care. They spend most of their time together at one of their homes, just existing in perfect domestic bliss, interrupted by lots of incredible sex. Like literally the best sex Bucky has ever had. He’s starting to wonder if one can die from too much mind-blowing sex, because while he’s enthusiastic, Steve is insatiable and has a refractory period of basically zero.

Bucky should have known it couldn’t last much longer. Unfortunately, the way their bubble bursts is not the way he thought it would. Of all people, it’s Logan who tells him.

“You seen this?” Logan asks, with no greeting as Bucky opens his door to him. He shoves a magazine at Bucky, smoke blowing over Bucky’s head from Logan’s cigar.

Bucky peers at the cover as he shuts the door, confused. “Much as I love Miss Britney Spears, I can’t say I _have_ seen the exclusive pictures from her birthday.”

Logan rolls his eyes as he makes himself at home, dropping down to sit at Bucky’s little table that Steve never took back. “Page four, kid,” he says gruffly.

Bucky sits opposite him and puts the magazine down on the table so he can flip to page four. There, in a one-page spread, is the headline ‘Captain America has a boyfriend??!!’, followed by three pictures of him and Steve. “Oh fuck,” Bucky breathes out. In two of the pictures they are holding hands, and in the third, Steve has his arm round Bucky’s shoulders, all while they’re out walking somewhere in Brooklyn. Steve usually wears a hat when he’s out, which helps with people not recognising him, but it looks like it wasn’t effective this time.

Bucky stares at the thing for a few moments in panic. He finally reads the little paragraph they’ve put alongside the images, where they speculate about who he is, and then spend time puzzling over Steve’s sexuality. “Christ,” Bucky murmurs.

“So that’s your boyfriend,” Logan states.

Bucky looks up at him. He holds out his hand for Logan’s cigar. Logan looks surprised but passes it over and Bucky takes a long drag. He gave up smoking a long time ago, not that he ever smoked cigars a lot, but fuck, he needs it.

“He’s a good man. Army,” Logan says, surprisingly, as Bucky takes another drag before passing the cigar back.

“Yeah,” Bucky nods.

“He gonna be pissed?”

Bucky’s phone starts ringing at that exact moment. He goes to grab it from his nightstand. It’s Steve. “I guess we’ll see,” Bucky says to Logan before answering the phone. “Stevie, hey.”

“Buck.” Steve sounds all business. “There’s this thing…um, something’s happened,” he starts.

“I just saw it, Stevie. Logan saw it in the magazine and brought it over,” he says, trying to stay calm.

“I’m so sorry. I’ll deal with this, I’ve got Tony’s people looking into how they can stop this,” Steve says, talking a mile a minute, voice full of regret.

Bucky turns his back to Logan and speaks a little quieter. “Baby, calm down. It’s okay.” He sighs. “It sucks, but we can’t do anything about it now. It’ll be all over the internet too.”

“I just…I never wanted to drag you into this,” Steve replies, still sounding far too sorry for Bucky’s liking.

Bucky tries to soothe him down the phone. “I knew what I was getting into. And I didn’t, and I still don’t want us to hide inside and not live our lives. It’s happened now, and we’ll deal with it, okay?”

He hears Steve let out a breath, like he’s been holding it in while he’s been getting himself all worked up. “Okay,” he says finally.

“What are you doing right now?” Bucky asks.

“I’m home,” Steve replies. “Natasha called me and sent me the article. She says you’re cute by the way,” he adds, with a little slightly panic-stricken laugh, clearly still getting his head around what’s happening.

“Tell her thanks,” Bucky says with a chuckle. “Listen, I want you to come over, okay? I’m gonna invite Sam and Becca, and Logan’s already here. I think it’s time you meet them.”

“Bucky…this seems like the worst time to meet them,” Steve counters.

“That’s where you’re wrong. You’re getting worked up about this and meeting my family is going to be a great distraction from that.” He stops, suddenly considering something he hadn’t before. “I mean, unless you…you’re not upset about being seen with me, are you?” he asks in a tiny voice. He hears Logan make a noise like a cross between a huff and a growl when he says that.

“Oh god, Buck, no, of course not,” Steve says quickly. “I’m so proud to be seen with you. So fuckin’ proud.”

Bucky relaxes because Steve really only swears when he’s being earnest.

“I just want to protect your privacy,” he continues. “And mine,” he adds, as an afterthought. “But mostly yours.”

“Okay. So come over. I was supposed to meet Sam and Becca later anyway, so I know they’re free. We’ll have pizza and…” He trails off. He forgets that fitting the five of them in a room with two chairs and one bed will be tricky—his place is probably not the best place for entertaining guests. “Actually, you know what? Can we come to yours?” he asks. “Just, you know, more space there,” he explains.

“Yeah, okay.” Steve sounds a little nervous. “Sure,” he agrees more firmly, like he’s readying himself for a challenge. “Come over whenever you’re ready?”

“Will do,” Bucky says. “And Steve? It really is okay,” he tells him, before they say goodbye and hang up.

He turns back to Logan, who’s sitting there looking disinterested, but was obviously listening. “So…dinner at Steve’s?”

Logan shrugs, easily agreeing. Then he gives Bucky a look. “Family, huh?”

 

****

 

“Okay, so just to reiterate—” Bucky starts as he, Sam, Becca and Logan stand outside Steve’s brownstone.

“Treat him as Steve, not as a national icon,” Becca cuts in. “We’ve got it, Bucky. We’ll be good.” She’s clearly excited about meeting him. She’s been talking the whole way over about it.

Bucky steps up and rings the doorbell. He’s not nervous really. If Steve doesn’t like them then that would prove Steve to be a completely different person to the person he thinks he is, and he knows his family (because these guys truly are his family, even if Becca’s the only official one) will like Steve, simply because Steve treats him well and makes him happy. He also thinks they’ll be thrilled to find they actually like him as a person. No, he’s really only nervous because they all have so much fodder on him—stories they could tell Steve, which Bucky would really prefer to not be embarrassed by. But there’s honestly no way Becca won’t tell Steve _something_ embarrassing, that’s what little sisters are for, right?

“Hi,” Steve says as he opens the door, smiling at each of them in turn. He looks a little nervous and Bucky thinks it’s adorable. “Come on in,” Steve offers, holding the door for them.

“Just head on through,” Bucky tells them as he pauses for a second with Steve. “Everything good?” he asks quietly.

Steve nods and presses a kiss to Bucky’s cheek. “Yeah. I mean, no, obviously not, but it’s okay. We’ll deal.”

Bucky smiles and nods at him. “Yeah, we will.” He leans up and gives Steve a quick kiss before they head in after his friends.

They are all waiting politely in Steve’s living room. Well, Sam and Becca are, Logan has already made his way over to Steve’s bookshelf and is perusing the titles.

“So, Steve, this is Sam, best friend since childhood, Logan, best friend from the army, and my sister, Becca,” Bucky says, gesturing to them, doing the slightly awkward introductions. “This is my…” Bucky cuts himself off. “Um, Steve,” he finishes.

Becca, little shit that she is, doesn’t let that one slide. “This is your Steve?” she asks, an evil glint in her eye.

“This is Steve,” Bucky repeats, glaring at her.

“Your…?” Becca continues, giving him wide innocent eyes.

Bucky regrets this so much. He and Steve haven’t discussed what they are, though Bucky’s pretty sure he knows what they are. But it hasn’t come up and now he’s gone and almost said it and now Becca of course has to push it.

“His boyfriend,” Steve says, while Bucky feels his eyes go wide and he freezes. “Right?” Steve adds, looking at Bucky.

Bucky manages to unfreeze and looks at the little open smile on Steve’s face and suddenly he’s made this really easy. “Right,” Bucky agrees. And just like that, Bucky has a boyfriend. Like officially.

Steve smiles at him softly, before he moves and offers his hand out to each of them in turn.

“Good to officially meet you, man,” Sam says.

“Yeah, sorry about last time. Everything was a bit…confused?” Steve says when they shake hands.

Logan gives Steve what Bucky can tell is a firm handshake. “Fuck him over and I’ll kill you,” he tells Steve simply. “I don’t care what sorta powers you got.”

“Logan!” Bucky scolds him, turning bright red from embarrassment. Of all of them, he didn’t expect that from Logan.

Steve seems to take it in his stride. “Noted,” he says. “I’m glad Bucky has someone watching out for him like that.” He says it completely genuinely, as though he’s giving Logan permission to fuck him up if anything did happen.

Logan grunts back, as though in agreement.

Becca pulls Steve into a hug when he offers her a handshake. “It’s so good to meet you. Finally,” she adds, giving Bucky a look over Steve’s shoulder.

“You too,” Steve smiles as he pulls back. And then because Steve is also a little shit sometimes, he adds, “I can’t thank you enough for your comment in the café. Helped me a lot when working up the courage to ask your brother out,” he grins.

Bucky can tell Becca’s trying to remember and then the exact moment she does, because a wide cat-like grin appears on her face. “You’re so welcome, Steve,” she says, smirking at Bucky.

Bucky fixes her with a glare.

“Do you want to come through to the kitchen and I can get you all a drink?” Steve suggests, now introductions are out of the way. “And let me take your coats,” he offers.

They all follow him through, depositing coats with Steve in the hallway before they move through to the dining room and down to the kitchen, where Bucky starts helping to get glasses and then is surprised by the wide variety of drinks in Steve’s fridge.

Steve looks sheepish as he joins him. “I didn’t know what they might like, so I went a little crazy shopping,” he tells Bucky in a whisper when he sees Bucky looking at the selection.

Bucky smiles and kisses him on the cheek, completely touched that Steve thought of them like that and made the effort that way.

Sam and Logan go for the bottled beer Steve bought and Steve’s just about to pour Becca’s requested soft drink when his phone rings. He pulls it out his pocket, looking apologetic and then looks upset when he looks at the screen.

“I’m so sorry, I really have to take this,” he apologises to them all, ending by looking at Bucky regretfully.

“It’s fine, go ahead,” Bucky tells him, his heart sinking even so, because Steve has the look that he has when he gets called in to do Avenger things. It’s happened a few times in the few months they’ve been dating, and it sucks every time. Steve is always sorry, and Bucky always tries to be supportive, but he then spends the next however long worrying about him.

Steve picks up as he heads to the garden doors. Bucky picks up a few words, like “yes”, “no”, and “Bucky’s here”, before he heads outside into the garden to continue the call.

Bucky sighs. “Sorry guys, looks like he might have to go,” Bucky says, knowing he looks upset, but not really being able to help it.

“But we just got here,” Becca complains, serving herself a Coke and then pouring Bucky one as well.

“I know, but you know how it is…Avengers call him in, he’s gotta go.” Bucky looks at her apologetically. “Please just be cool about it. We’ll arrange something again soon?” he offers, still feeling deflated.

“It would be just the same if you were dating a doctor who’s on call or something,” Sam chips in. “Not that weird really.”

Bucky chuckles at that. He can always rely on Sam to be supportive. “Yeah, I guess so. I guess we could go get burgers at the diner or something?” he offers to try and make up for the evening changing on them.

Before any of them can answer, Steve comes back in and Bucky waits for the inevitable disappointment. “Sorry about that,” he says, putting his phone back in his pocket. “Becca, did you want any ice in that,” he offers when he sees she’s got her Coke.

Bucky looks at him in surprise. “You don’t have to go?”

Steve smiles and shakes his head. “No. Wasn’t that sort of call.”

“Oh good,” Becca says before Bucky can speak. “I have so many things I want to know about you. You know, you’re much bigger in real life,” she says with a pondering look.

Steve, bless him, smiles good naturedly. “Your brother said the exact opposite.” He offers her ice again, which she takes, and then lets Becca thread her arm through his and lead him back to the living room, the others trailing behind, while Bucky hopes she keeps this to level one embarrassing on the sibling embarrassment scale.

Becca sits next to Steve on the brown leather sofa, while Logan settles in Steve’s chair by the record player, running his hands over the wooden arms, like he’s impressed with the craftsmanship of it, and Sam and Bucky take the other sofa near the window.

“So…what are your intentions for my brother?” Becca starts with, and Bucky near spits out his drink. She cackles with glee at his reaction. “I’m just kidding!” she says, grinning at Steve. “I’m really not as bad as Bucky’s made out,” she promises him.

“She’s a sweetheart really,” Sam backs her up.

Steve smiles easily. “Bucky has said nothing but good things,” he tells her, making her beam. “And I intend to treat him well, just like he deserves, for as long as he lets me,” he adds, eyes soft when he meets Bucky’s.

Bucky’s heart starts dancing in his chest.

“Well that is ridiculously cute,” Becca comments, looking between them both.

“Elvis huh?” Logan says out of nowhere, apparently looking at Steve’s records.

“Uh, yeah,” Steve agrees, looking over at him. “You like him?”

Logan shrugs non-committedly as he usually does, when Bucky knows for a fact that he does like Elvis, cause he used to sing it when they were out in the desert when he thought everyone else was asleep.

“So, how are you finding it, being back in Brooklyn?” Sam asks when Logan doesn’t further that conversation.

Steve turns back to look across at him and Bucky. “I like it. It’s different, but I’m getting used to it,” he tells Sam. “Bucky shows me all the best places to go,” he says with a little smile in Bucky’s direction. “Are you glad to be back?” he asks Sam, focusing on him again. “Bucky said you were in the Air Force?”

Sam looks over at Bucky. “Aww, peach-pie, you been talking ‘bout me?” he grins.

Bucky rolls his eyes and notices that Steve looks amused.

“It’s just a thing they do, Steve,” Becca pipes up, unaware Steve already knows about it. “Don’t worry, I think Sam’s happy to share his peach-pie with you,” she grins.

Bucky tries to look as exasperated with them both as he possibly can.

Sam continues to grin, unbothered. “And yeah, I’m so happy to be back. Missed it here so much, you know?”

Steve nods. “Bucky said you just started a new job at the VA?” he questions politely.

“Yeah, I’m a counsellor there,” Sam says, sounding proud.

“That’s a very noble line of work,” Steve tells him, and that’s the moment Bucky knows Sam likes Steve. Not just because of the flattery, but because Bucky knows Sam can tell Steve means it.

Sam shrugs modestly. “I don’t know about that, but it feels good to help people like me, you know? And hey, anytime you wanna stop by the VA, make me look awesome in front of the girl at the front desk, just let me know,” he grins at Steve.

“I’ll keep it in mind,” Steve replies with a wry smile. He turns his head to look at Becca. “You’re in your third year of college doing languages, Becca?”

Bucky grins to himself, taking a sip of his Coke. Steve is being so great, being attentive to them all, remembering things Bucky’s told him about them. He couldn’t be more perfect if he tried.

Becca smiles at having the attention on her again. “Yep. I’m majoring in Linguistics with Italian at NYU. I want to be a speech therapist, but the Italian means I could maybe be a translator or something if I needed to.”

Bucky smiles to himself, feeling proud of his sister. She’s incredibly adept at picking up languages and speaks a few fluently.

“That’s impressive,” Steve says, echoing Bucky’s feelings.

“Languages sort of run in the family. And mom’s a teacher, so I guess I’m sort of combining the two,” Becca shrugs. “Did you know Bucky speaks Russian?”

“You do?” Steve asks, looking curiously at Bucky.

Bucky shrugs a little. “I mean, not as good as Becs does, but yeah.”

“And sign language,” Becca adds.

“And sign,” Bucky confirms, feeling a little embarrassed by Becca trying to show him off. He supposes that’s nicer than her trying to show him _up_.

“That’s amazing,” Steve smiles at him, sort of looking at Bucky in wonder. “My friend, he has hearing aids, but sometimes I think it would be nice if I could learn to sign for him.”

“I can teach you some basics, if you want?” Bucky offers. He did actually take the time to learn how to adapt sign language to one hand after he lost his arm. Well, more accurately Becca taught him how to adapt it, refusing to let him lose a skill.

“I’d like that,” Steve says, just at the same time as the doorbell rings. He frowns, looking towards the hallway. “I’ll just see who that is, please excuse me,” he tells them, heading out.

As soon as he’s gone, Becca grins widely at Bucky. “Oh my god, he’s so cute!”

Bucky rolls his eyes. “You already knew that.”

“It’s different in person. And he’s even cuter because he’s such a sweet guy, I can tell already,” she grins, getting up and shoving her way onto the couch next to him and Sam so she can hug Bucky. “I’m just so happy,” she says, squeezing him tightly.

Bucky groans at her. “Alright, alright, don’t start crying on me.” He’s actually really touched by how much she likes Steve and how happy she is for them, but he’s got an image to think of here.

“Aww, our little peach-pie’s in luuurve,” Sam smirks at him, ruffling his hair.

So much for his image. Bucky smacks Sam in the arm and pats his hair down again. “Why did I think bringing you here was a good idea?” he glowers at him.

“Cause you love us,” Sam reminds him.

“Cause we’re family,” Logan speaks up.

Bucky can’t help smiling at the way Logan’s latched onto that. If Bucky didn’t know any better, he’d think Logan is touched by being called that.

They all look over at the door when they hear the front door close and then some voices in the hallway. Bucky wonders what’s going on and then Steve comes back with two people behind him. Sam stiffens next to him.

Steve looks at Bucky with big apologetic eyes. “Um, a couple of my friends decided to stop by.” He looks behind him. “This is Clint and Natasha,” he says, gesturing.

Clint gives them all a little wave, looking a little sheepish. Natasha smiles, eyes fixing onto Bucky.

“This is Logan, Becca, Sam and Bucky,” Steve tells his friends, gesturing at each of them.

They all get up to properly greet them, following Sam’s lead.

Steve mouths “I’m so sorry” at Bucky, while Bucky realises that when Steve says friends, he means Avengers, as in Black Widow and Hawkeye. No wonder Sam is putting on his best smooth voice as he greets Natasha.

Bucky gets up and waits until the others have shaken hands, before he does, introducing himself. Clint shakes his hand firmly. “Hey man, cool to meet you.”

“You too,” Bucky smiles, feeling just a little cautious. He’s pretty sure Clint is a spy or something and it’s a little intimidating.

“Steve smiles now,” Clint tells him like it’s a secret, pulling a face like it blows his mind.

“Oh Christ,” he hears Steve mutter and Bucky looks over to give him a little teasing grin.

“I like it,” Clint continues. “He reminds me of my dog now, with all the happy puppy eyes and stuff.”

Bucky can’t help laughing at that.

“I don’t have puppy eyes,” Steve replies, sounding like he’s gritting his teeth.

Bucky grins. It’s nice having Steve suffer from embarrassing friends, just as Bucky does. He turns to Natasha. “Hey, I’m Bucky,” he says, putting out his hand.

Natasha holds her hand out elegantly and gives him this appraising look. “The famous Bucky Barnes,” she murmurs. “Finally.” She glances over at Steve as she says that.

Bucky has the distinct feeling that she’s sizing up every bit of him. He tries to smile as he shakes her hand, but honestly, he’s a bit unsure of her, even more so than Clint.

“I hope you don’t mind us crashing,” Clint says to them all, sounding a little apologetic as Natasha still looks Bucky over. “We brought pizza though!” he announces proudly.

“Well, I mean, as long as there’s pizza,” Bucky smiles at him and Clint grins back.

“Why don’t you guys go grab it from the hallway and take it through to the kitchen?” Steve suggests.

Clint nods easily. “Cool.”

Sam sidles up to Natasha again and starts talking to her as they vacate the living room, and Becca and Logan walk with Clint. Bucky hears Logan asking something about arrows as they go, and he starts to follow, but Steve stops him for a second, looking apologetic.

“I’m really sorry about this, Buck. Natasha called and obviously when I said you were here, she decided she couldn’t wait any longer to meet you. She didn’t know we had your friends over.” Steve looks worried.

“It’s fine,” Bucky tells him. It’s cute how worried Steve is. And he doesn’t mind so much. He was going to have to meet them sometime. At least now he has his friends there as a buffer. “I mean, she’s a little scary, but Clint seems really nice?”

“He is,” Steve says with a smile. “And Natasha _is_ scary, but she does warm up. Thanks for being so okay with this.”

Bucky shrugs. “At least it’s not every Avenger. I guess a couple at a time is good to ease me in,” he replies with an amused huff.

“You’re the best boyfriend ever,” Steve smiles widely, before pulling Bucky in for a kiss, hands on his face.

Bucky melts against him, at both the kiss and at being called Steve’s boyfriend again.

Steve grins at the probably dazed look on Bucky’s face when he pulls away. “C’mon. We better get in there before they eat all the pizza.”

Turns out there’s enough pizza to go around, because Steve usually has a whole large to himself and there’s another two larges originally for Bucky, Natasha and Clint, but it’s plenty to share with everyone, though Bucky knows Steve will definitely need to eat something else later.

Bucky looks around at the kitchen and his friends as they eat. Logan’s talking to Steve about the war, Natasha is flirting up a storm with Sam, making Sam look a little out of his depth for once, and Becca seems to be asking Clint about his dog. It’s actually really nice, seeing his and Steve’s friends come together like this, and with the exception of Natasha’s ‘could kill you with her pinky finger’ vibe, she and Clint are just like Steve, in that they don’t seem like superheroes at all.

Bucky smiles and picks up Clint and Becca’s conversation and starts chipping in. Turns out Clint’s dog loves pizza just as much as he does. Bucky already likes Clint, he’s decided.

Sam has clearly decided he likes Natasha, though Bucky’s not sure if that’s a good thing, seeing as she looks like she could eat him alive. He grins at Bucky when Natasha goes to grab another drink and Bucky rolls his eyes at his hopeless expression.

When they’ve finished eating and are heading back into the living room to sit on the comfier seats, Natasha abandons Sam for a moment and corners Bucky, separating him from the others, Steve obviously too busy talking to Logan as they leave the room to notice straight away and rescue him. Bucky can’t help feeling nervous at being left alone with her. He wonders if he’s about to get a shovel talk.

She steps in front of him and looks him in the eyes. “I _am_ really sorry we crashed,” she tells him. “I didn’t know your friends were here too.”

Bucky relaxes a little. It’s nice of her to say. “I know,” Bucky tells her. “It’s fine, really. It’s cool to meet you guys.”

“I’ve been dying to meet you,” she admits. “You’ve been really good for Steve. We’ve all seen it. I told him I had to meet the man who made him so happy.”

Bucky blushes, possibly down to his toes. He shifts uncomfortably. “Well, Steve’s an amazing guy, I lo—” Bucky cuts himself off and feels his eyes widen as he realises what he was about to say, even though he hasn’t even said that to Steve yet.

Natasha smiles widely at him like a cat who’s got the cream. “I’m glad. He deserves it.”

Bucky’s face feels on fire. “Oh god, please don’t tell him I said that, we haven’t, you know, talked about that stuff,” he implores her.

“Said what?” she tells him, with a face of pure innocence.

Bucky lets out a breath. “Thanks.” Honestly, he doesn’t really know why he hasn’t told Steve that, cause it’s not like he hasn’t been feeling it for a while now, but he just hasn’t yet. It’s not something he’s ever said to anyone in this context. It should probably be a thing, not just something he blurts out sometime, like he just almost did to Natasha.

“You mean everything to him though,” Natasha adds offhand and then starts heading to the living room, leaving Bucky behind.

He has to take a minute to stop his heart beating so fast before he joins them, as he starts to consider that maybe, just maybe, Steve feels the same way about him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up, a little bit of jealousy on Steve's part cause why not.
> 
> Thank you for reading! Leave me a comment to make Monday suck less? :D


	10. I’ll Be Yours

Luckily for Bucky, the aftermath of the magazine pictures is almost nothing. His face isn’t particularly visible in the photos and no one seems to know who he is, so nothing really changes. For Steve though, it becomes a huge thing. The internet is on fire about it, coming up with theories on who Bucky is, and Steve’s sexuality, and Bucky eventually reads enough shit that he decides to avoid the internet for the near future because of all the homophobic assholes spouting garbage about them.

Steve puts on a brave face, but Bucky can tell it bothers him. He’s never been one to back down from a fight, but so far, he’s decided to ignore the speculation and not answer any questions levelled at him by intrusive journalists who’ve camped out at Avengers Tower. Steve seems to be avoiding going there as much as possible lately, which Bucky guesses is one way to deal with it. People will get bored of it eventually, he figures.

Still, he doesn’t want to make things worse, so when Steve asks if he’s free, he finds himself often suggesting movie nights in or making dinner together—things that keep them inside. Bucky’s a bit of a homebody anyway since his arm, or okay, a lot of a homebody, though Steve’s been getting him out more, but Bucky’s happy to stay in more again. That’s why, when Logan calls that night to see if he and Steve want to come out with the guys, Bucky starts to say no.

Unfortunately for him, Steve has really good hearing and obviously hears Logan’s request as he stops Bucky mid-refusal. “We can go if you want, I don’t mind,” he tells Bucky with a smile. “I’d like to meet more of your friends.”

Bucky’s pleased about that, but he doesn’t want Steve to feel obligated. “Yeah, but someone might see us?”

“Wait, wait,” Steve starts, looking troubled. “That’s why we’ve been staying in so much lately? In case someone sees us?”

“Hang on, Logan,” Bucky says down the phone as he’s aware Logan’s still waiting. “Well, yeah,” he says to Steve. “I figured it was probably better than fueling the fire.”

Steve looks even more perturbed. “If it’s because you’re worried about you, then that’s fine, I’m not going to make you do anything you don’t want to, but if you’re worried about me…I really don’t care what people think.”

“You don’t?” Bucky asks, surprised.

Steve shrugs a little as he steps up to Bucky and slides his hands round his waist. “I mean, I won’t stand for anyone saying anything about you, but I don’t care if people want to write garbage about me. I want us to live our lives however we want to.”

Bucky can’t help smiling. Steve’s so sweet, wanting to protect him, but not even bothered about himself. Not that Bucky agrees with that, because he feels like it’s now his job to protect Steve, but if Steve’s okay with going outside then Bucky can be too.

“Are you fuckin’ coming or not,” he hears Logan bark down the phone.

Steve lets out an amused little noise and takes the phone from Bucky. “Yes, we’re coming,” he tells Logan, looking at Bucky for approval just in case, so Bucky waves his hand, agreeing.

“Frankie’s in twenty,” Logan says, loud enough for Bucky to hear, and then hangs up.

Steve chuckles at the phone as it goes dead. “You know, I’m really starting to like him.”

Bucky sniggers. “Yeah, he’s a ray of sunshine, ain’t he?”

 

****

 

Twenty minutes later, they’re sitting in a booth in Frankie’s with Logan, Sam and Kurt, who Bucky works with and was also in his and Logan’s army unit. He’s a quiet, sort of skittish kind of guy, but Steve thinks he seems nice enough, and it’s not like Steve can’t spot the signs of someone with PTSD. He can see it in the way Kurt picks the outside seat on the side of the booth with his back to the wall. Easy to get out, but with no way of anyone coming up behind him. Steve would have chosen the same seat, had he got there first.

Steve makes polite conversation with him, while enjoying the way Bucky relaxes with his friends. He likes seeing him like this, comfortable with people he trusts. Not that he’s not like that with Steve—Steve gets to see the softest and most special sides of Bucky—but it’s a different dynamic to the one he has with his friends. He’s just that touch louder, just a little more carefree, with the banter flying fast across the table between him and his friends.

Steve’s glad he convinced Bucky to come out. He hadn’t realised Bucky had intentionally been keeping them inside lately, worried about the photographs taken of them. They needed this though, to get back to normal. It was sweet of Bucky to try to be protective of him, and it’s not that Steve doesn’t care about the photos per say, but he doesn’t care enough to let it affect his life like that. He’s truly only concerned about keeping Bucky safe.

“Hey!” Bucky calls out, startling Steve out of his thoughts, and then Steve has a lapful of Bucky as he slides out the booth across Steve so he can get up and hug the guy who’s approached them.

Steve feels himself frowning a little as he watches the guy, as he’s almost sure he just smelled Bucky’s hair and he seems to be lingering over the hug.

Bucky pulls away eventually and brings the guy over closer, arm around his shoulders. “Steve, this is Scott, another of our army buddies,” he introduces him, and Scott puts his hand out so Steve shakes it and smiles at him.

“Good to meet you,” Steve says, while the others greet him as well.

“You too,” Scott says politely.

“Wanna go get a drink?” Bucky offers Scott, and he nods and smiles at Bucky. “Be right back,” Bucky smiles at Steve, keeping his arm round Scott while he walks over to the bar with him.

Steve knows he’s staring as they go, but he can’t help it. Scott’s an attractive man, he looks like he just stepped off a catwalk somewhere, and he has the exact same starry-eyed look that Steve knows _he_ sometimes gets when he’s with Bucky, and he doesn’t like it one bit.

“Never happened,” Sam says, leaning forward a little from where he’s sitting across the table.

“What?” Steve asks, still not quite able to tear his eyes away. They’re leaning at the bar now and Scott is standing so close that their hips are touching.

Sam nods towards them when Steve finally looks at him. “Scott and Bucky. You’re sorta glaring daggers.”

Steve feels himself flush with embarrassment. “I’m not,” he tries to cover, “I just, they seem…close?”

Logan smirks and sips his beer. “Scott’s had a crush on him for forever. But our Bucky’s not interested.”

“Does Scott know that?” Steve can’t help saying darkly, because Scott’s just pulled Bucky into another hug.

Sam laughs. “Oh my god, this is so much fun. Look how jealous you are,” he says gleefully.

Steve frowns at him. “I’m not jealous,” he lies.

“You look like you want to rip Scott’s head off,” Sam says, raising his eyebrows.

Steve tries very hard to pull his face together. “He just…he keeps touching him,” Steve says pettily.

Even Logan and Kurt laugh now.

“In fairness, only some of that is Scott’s crush,” Kurt tells him, peering over at them, while Steve finally looks away to look at Kurt with interest. Kurt must feel him looking with questioning eyes because he turns to face Steve. “Scott is partially sighted, sometimes he likes to hold on to people to get around a little easier, especially in darker places,” Kurt explains.

“Oh.” Steve feels like a jackass now. Though maybe that means Steve can accept the touching, but it doesn’t stop him feeling bothered by the looks Scott gives Bucky.

Sam rolls his eyes. “C’mon, Kurt, we both know Scott doesn’t need _that_ much help,” he guffaws.

Kurt just shrugs. “Perhaps.”

When Bucky and Scott come back over, Steve is still quick to wrap his arm round Bucky’s waist as soon as he sits down next to him. He sees Scott looking and feels like he’s accomplished his mission of making it clear that Bucky is not in any way fair game and is in fact taken, even though Scott slides into the booth next to Bucky.

Steve feels a little guilty about his jealous thoughts as the night wears on though. It turns out Scott is perfectly nice, and okay, yes, it’s entirely obvious that he has a massive thing for Bucky, but it also becomes clear that he’s not planning on acting on it, because he seems completely unaware that everyone else, including Bucky, seems to know about his crush. Steve actually ends up feeling a little sorry for him, because he can’t imagine what it’s like to know Bucky and love Bucky and not get to be with him. Steve hopes like hell he’s never going to find that out. But Logan did call it a crush, and maybe that’s all it is. Bucky’s beyond beautiful, so probably lots of people have crushes on him. It’s not the same as what Steve feels for him.

Because Steve loves him. He’s known for a good long while now that he does. He feels it in every inch of him, how much he adores the man besides him, how he’d do anything to make him happy, and how happiness for Steve now simply means being around Bucky. And that’s the thing. Steve just doesn’t know what to do with the pure strength of the love he feels for Bucky. It seems to him like it pours out of him, entirely obvious, and yet, he’s never actually said the words to Bucky. He knows someday soon they’ll probably just burst from his mouth but until then, he holds onto them, unwilling to risk changing anything between them because he knows objectively it seems too early and everything between them is absolutely perfect right now.

It’s been perfect, Steve thinks, since he came back from his mission in January, but the moment when they finally slept together…that kicked things up a notch to more than perfect, if such a thing exists. And not because of the sex—though dear god, sex with Bucky is incredible—but because it was the moment that Bucky finally let him in. Steve knew there was a wall up still, but he didn’t know it was so connected to his arm until that moment. But Bucky…his brave, sweet Bucky, had trusted him and finally let Steve see the part of him that he hid from everyone, and it was beautiful.

So that’s the thing. He _does_ understand Scott. But some primal part of him still makes him want to make it obvious that Bucky is his.

Steve watches Bucky a lot during the rest of the evening. He knows he’s doing it and he can’t help it. Bucky sometimes catches him and gives him a little smile and squeezes his knee gently. Sam also catches him sometimes and gives him this big grin like he finds Steve’s infatuation highly amusing.

When they all say goodnight just outside, Sam goes over to Steve. “You’re a good guy,” he says quietly with a smile, as Steve keeps one eye on Scott hugging Bucky again.

“Um, thank you,” Steve says to him, a little surprised at the compliment.

“He deserves someone like you,” Sam continues with a nod at Bucky. He moves over to Scott before Steve can respond. “Alright, c’mon Scotty, you’re heading our way, right?”

Logan and Kurt head home in the other direction, and they head back towards Bucky’s place, Sam walking with Scott in front of them, leaving him and Bucky together following behind. Steve watches Bucky as they walk, black scarf wrapped round his neck, covering his chin, even though it’s starting to get less chilly lately. He looks adorable.

“What?” Bucky says, as Steve studies those dark eyelashes of his when he meets Steve’s gaze.

“Nothing,” Steve smiles. “You look cute,” he tells him honestly.

Bucky bites his lower lip and looks at the ground. Steve loves how he still makes Bucky a little flustered whenever he gives him a compliment. “Shuddup,” Bucky mumbles at him while Steve keeps smiling.

They reach Bucky’s place first and wave goodbye to Sam and Scott, with Scott taking one last starry-eyed look at Bucky, that Steve tries his very best to ignore, and then they head off.

As soon as they’re in Bucky’s apartment, Steve has Bucky up against the door, capturing his mouth in a fierce kiss, before moving to suck on Bucky’s neck.

“Damn, Stevie, what’s got into you?” Bucky muses before letting out a little moan.

“Nothing,” Steve mumbles, before kissing his way over to Bucky’s delicate collarbone. Being with Bucky is the biggest lesson in self-control that Steve’s ever had. He has to hold back constantly, so he doesn’t accidently hurt Bucky with his strength. It’s supremely difficult when Bucky sometimes moans for him to take him harder, but Steve manages. He’s even managing now, when his stupid jealous monkey-brain is telling him to claim Bucky as his own.

Thankfully, Bucky doesn’t seem to have a problem with it, already tugging on Steve’s jacket as best he can. Steve helps him out, getting himself out of most of his clothes quickly, and helping Bucky with some of his. He’s still careful with Bucky and his shirt. He never wants to assume that Bucky’s going to be comfortable on a particular day with being fully naked. Plus, Bucky’s wearing his prosthesis and him taking that off is not something he’s ever allowed Steve to see, even though Steve has now seen his arm.

Bucky excuses himself to go to the bathroom, forcing Steve to calm down a little. He sinks down onto Bucky’s bed, now just in his boxers, and palms over his cock, to attempt some relief. No one’s ever turned him on like Bucky has. He probably spends eighty percent of his time around Bucky fighting down erections. Bucky seems to have no clue about the effect he has.

Bucky comes back out in just his boxers. There’s a little shyness there, there always is, but Steve’s heart just glows when he looks at his boyfriend. He’s gorgeous, an absolute vision. Bucky still worries about his arm, but Steve honestly barely sees it. He’s too busy being blinded by that stunning face to notice anything else in the whole world, and when he does look, all he sees is a part of Bucky, a reminder of how strong and brave the man in front of him is. Of course he wishes Bucky was never hurt, and there will always be a part of him that wishes he could have done something, but Bucky’s absolute refusal to let him blame himself means Steve has no right to.

Steve reaches out his hand to Bucky and Bucky smiles and walks over to him, his hips swaying in that way they do when Bucky struts, that Steve knows he doesn’t even know he’s doing. He climbs over Steve on the bed and Steve wraps his arms round him, holding him close against his chest as Bucky leans in and kisses him, with those perfect plush lips. God, he loves Bucky’s body. He’s leaner than Steve, with gorgeous toned muscles, but with none of the bulk Steve has. Steve knows that’s due to his arm and that he lost a lot of muscle mass after his accident because he doesn’t really work out anymore. Bucky’s been saying he wants to get back into it, but Steve loves him either way. He also loves running his hands over him, feeling his soft skin and knowing that he’s allowed to.

“I had fun tonight,” Bucky tells him when he pulls away.

“Me too,” Steve agrees, pushing back a few strands of Bucky’s hair behind his ear. Steve knows he does that a lot, but he can’t help it. He loves Bucky’s hair. It’s so soft and it’s this gorgeous dark chocolate colour that catches the light beautifully. It’s definitely a thing of his, touching Bucky’s hair. He moves his hands to Bucky’s waist and stops thinking about Bucky’s hair so he can remember what they’re talking about and then smiles. “Your friends are really great. I feel like I can be myself with them.”

Bucky smiles back. “They’re the best. They all like you, you know,” he tells Steve.

He sounds like he’s a little proud of that fact and Steve basks in that. “Even Scott?” he can’t help asking.

Bucky gives him a wry grin. “Ah, Scott. You noticed, huh?”

“The way he stares at you? Yeah, I have to say I noticed,” Steve admits with a little eyebrow raise, before sliding his hands a little further down to rest on Bucky’s perfect firm ass.

“He really doesn’t mean anything by it. It’s sort of an in joke at this point, how he’s the only one who doesn’t know we all know.”

“Yeah, Sam told me,” Steve nods. “He does seem like a really nice guy though,” he only slightly grudgingly admits.

“He really is,” Bucky confirms, trailing his fingers along Steve’s neck, leaving tingles in his wake.

“So long as he knows you’re mine,” Steve adds, maybe a little bit possessively, but he can’t help it.

Bucky looks amused, his eyes sparkling. “Got a bit of a jealous streak, don’t you baby?” he muses.

Steve shrugs even though he definitely does. He always has. He remembers back with Peggy and Howard and wondering about their relationship. Steve stops himself before he starts thinking too much about that. He doesn’t like to think about those days anymore. He gazes up at Bucky and it brings him back to the present. He thinks about how he loves it when Bucky calls him pet names.

“I am yours you know,” Bucky says, face softer but more serious as he looks back at Steve, fingers grazing into his hair at the back of his neck.

Steve can’t help himself as he leans in and captures Bucky’s lips, kissing him with intensity and passion, delighting in the little surprised moan he gets from Bucky as he squeezes his ass. “I’m yours too,” Steve murmurs back when he pulls away.

“Obviously,” Bucky sasses back. “Have been since I tried to flatten you,” he jokes.

Steve smiles back at him, feeling full of affection, before flipping him down onto the bed, mouth on Bucky’s neck. God, if Bucky even knew how true that was.

 

****

 

Steve wakes in the morning to find Bucky attempting to extract himself from Steve’s arms. Steve is definitely not on board with this plan, so he tightens his arms around his boyfriend as he yawns.

“This is very unfair,” Bucky says as he notices Steve’s woken up.

“Mm mm, no leaving, not allowed,” Steve mumbles, pressing his nose to the back of Bucky’s neck so he can breathe him in. God, he always smells so good. He doesn’t know if it’s a scent Bucky wears or just him, but Steve’s so attuned to it now it sends endorphins through his body with even the lightest hint of it.

“Oh sure, one-armed guy can’t fight back,” Bucky grumbles at him, and Steve freezes and then starts to release him. Bucky turns, scrunching up his face a little. “I can make jokes about my arm, Steve, it’s fine.”

The thing is, he hasn’t before. Steve very much stays away from the topic as far as possible because it’s not something Bucky ever brings up himself.

“Even if I had two arms, this wouldn’t be a fair fight,” Bucky grouses, rolling over a little and poking Steve in the chest.

Steve relaxes. “When you try to leave, my arms close up. It’s instinct,” Steve says, smiling at Bucky’s morning bird’s-nest hair.

“Yeah, well I’ve gotta shower and that’s your fault, so your arms better open up,” Bucky says, glowering affectionately at him.

Steve can’t help grinning a little. It _is_ his fault. Steve was very enthusiastic during his jealousy-fueled sex with Bucky last night, with both of them coming twice before Steve graciously allowed Bucky to sleep, all exhausted and adorable, and Steve had just cleaned them both up with whatever discarded clothing was nearest, which really wasn’t the best method.

“You’re real proud of yourself, aren’t you?” Bucky says in response to Steve’s grin, looking at him like he’s scandalised. “Makin’ me all dirty,” he adds, giving Steve the filthiest looking smirk.

Steve raises his eyebrows in response, fingers tracing over Bucky’s hipbone. “If I recall correctly, you were the one begging me to dirty you up,” he reminds Bucky.

Bucky looks up like he’s thinking. “Nope. Don’t remember that.”

Steve dips his head forward to steal a kiss. “I could remind you.”

Bucky shakes his head, eyes twinkling. “Nope. I’m showering.” He pulls himself up out of bed and Steve reluctantly lets him.

He leans back with his hands behind his head as he can at least enjoy the view, even if his arms miss Bucky already. It’s really the most gorgeous view in the world, he thinks, as Bucky drags his fingers through his hair, trying to untangle it as he walks naked to the bathroom door.

Bucky turns and sees Steve watching and smirks at him again. “Aren’t you coming?”

Steve’s heart thumps in surprise. He almost launches himself off the bed, getting tangled in the covers in his haste to get up, while Bucky laughs at him. They haven’t showered together before, but oh god, does Steve want to. He’s already imagining Bucky all wet and soapy and soft against him.

“Like that idea, huh?” Bucky says, eyebrows raised, as Steve reaches him and he sees Bucky looking at his dick, which is standing erect and proud.

Steve’s not even embarrassed. “It was like that the minute I woke up with you in my arms,” he says honestly.

Bucky rolls his eyes at him and tugs on his arm. “C’mon.” Steve knows he’s used to his inappropriate or sometimes appropriate but overly frequent boners now.

Bucky’s shower is over his bath, so at least there is room for both of them to stand, but it’s unlikely they’ll both be under the water at the same time. But Steve is willing to get a little cold for this. He thinks about his giant shower at home and how he’ll definitely have to get Bucky in there soon. In fact, now he’s wondering why he hasn’t thought of this before.

Bucky hums happily when the hot water hits him and Steve just about plasters himself to Bucky’s back so he can get some of the heat on him too.

Bucky laughs, making Steve’s heart glow, and shoves a bottle at Steve. “Here, make yourself useful.”

Steve kisses the back of his neck and then opens the body wash he’s been given, soaping up his hands before running them down over Bucky’s back gently. Then he starts massaging Bucky’s shoulders and Bucky moans out so loudly, Steve’s almost worried he’s hurt him.

“Fuck, that’s good.” Bucky practically turns to putty in his hands, so Steve continues.

“I could do this for you sometime?” Steve offers. “I could get oil and light candles, do the whole thing right.”

Bucky nods, his head resting back on Steve’s collarbone now. “I am so on board with that plan,” he murmurs.

Steve smiles and makes his way down, soaping up Bucky’s lower back and then down over his ass, which he might spend a couple of extra minutes on, just squeezing and caressing the firm muscle there, while Bucky grumbles at him, except they’re grumbles with moans in the middle. He continues down to his legs and feet, and wonders how Bucky even has beautiful feet, and then he gets Bucky to turn and he makes his way back up, wrapping his hand around Bucky’s cock when he reaches it, under the pretense of cleaning him up.

“Pretty sure that’s clean now,” Bucky huffs after a few moments, while Steve continues his careful cleaning, smiling to himself as Bucky gets fully hard in his hand.

Steve shakes his head. “Mmm no, trust me, it needs a little more cleaning.” He continues jerking Bucky off, hand moving faster as Bucky’s eyes close and he rests his head against Steve, letting Steve help hold him up, as he seems particularly jelly-like now. Steve starts moving his hips, letting his cock slide against Bucky’s leg, and fuck does that feel nice.

“Fuck…Steve,” Bucky pants. “I really did come here to get cleaned up,” he stutters out, breath coming in short bursts.

“Sure you did, baby,” Steve murmurs back, speeding his hand up further and reaching down with his other hand to trail down between Bucky’s cheeks to rub gently across his hole.

Bucky jerks in his arms when he does that, and his eyes fly open. “Shit,” he gasps.

“Just let me take care of you,” Steve tells him, pressing the pad of his fingers against Bucky’s hole, but not doing anything further than teasing him there, while his other hand flies fast over Bucky’s cock and he continues to rut against Bucky’s leg.

“Oh god…” Bucky whines and it’s the only warning Steve gets before Bucky comes hard, loud moans filling the bathroom, come flowing over Steve’s hand as Bucky’s weight collapses against his chest. The sight of that and the friction he’s been getting against Bucky’s leg is enough for him and Steve comes too, with a satisfied exhalation, pressing his lips to Bucky’s shoulder.

Steve lets the water clean his hand off before he wraps his arm around Bucky and waits for him to recover.

Bucky flutters his eyes open to look at Steve. “Mmm…you’re going to have to wash my hair for me now. I think you broke me,” he says, sounding a little woozy.

Steve smiles at the gorgeous man in his arms. “I was going to do that anyway.” He literally can’t wait to do that.

Bucky moves so Steve can get under the spray while he lathers Bucky’s hair up, running his fingers through it gently. “Mmm, love your hair, Buck,” he murmurs as he works.

Bucky sighs in pleasure as Steve’s hands work the shampoo through. “Yeah, I kinda figured that out. Tell you what, I’ll even let you condition it,” he says, and Steve knows he’s smirking, but he washes it twice and then conditions it and then wonders if Bucky would let him brush it, but he thinks maybe that would be pushing it, so he doesn’t ask.

Instead, he watches Bucky towel dry it into a mess when they finally get out the shower and get dressed. He’s thinking about what they could do for the rest of the day that involves clothes seeing as Bucky was pretty adamant that they needed to get dressed, when his phone rings.

He glances at the screen as Bucky looks over curiously. His phone doesn’t often ring, but when it does, it’s usually because he has to go and suit up. Except it’s Pepper and she usually isn’t the one calling. “I need to take this,” he says apologetically to Bucky, but he just nods and finishes pulling on his socks.

“Hi, Miss Potts, how are you?” Steve answers.

“Please start calling me Pepper,” Pepper requests again. Steve always forgets. “I’m well, thank you. And you? How are you doing with everything?”

She means all the media attention. “Oh fine,” Steve says easily. “Just trying to ignore it really.”

“That’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about. I thought maybe you’d like to make a statement on it instead of letting them speculate?” she offers.

“Miss…Pepper,” Steve corrects himself. “I appreciate the thought, but I’m definitely not going to get up there and tell the media all about my boyfriend.”

Bucky looks over at that, looking somewhere between puzzled and worried.

“No, of course not. I understand that. I thought more along the lines of responding to the discussion of your sexuality. I know it’s no one’s business, but as I understand it from Tony, you have no problem with being out? And I think a brief comment on that could mean something important for the LGBTQA community.”

Steve hadn’t thought of that. He ponders her words for a moment. “I don’t,” he confirms. “I’m not hiding. But I don’t want my partner to have people hounding him.”

Bucky looks over at him again, face a bit unreadable now.

“To be honest, Steve, if someone digs, they’ll probably discover who he is from the pictures anyway, but you wouldn’t have to talk about him at all. Maybe just address the idiot protestors we have outside?” she suggests.

Steve could do that, he supposes. Maybe he could get at least some of them to shut up and go home. “Um, can I think about it?”

“Of course. Just let me know if you’d like to do it and how, like a written statement or a press conference or whatever you prefer and I’ll help set it up.”

“Okay. I’ll be in touch. Thank you, Pepper.” They say their goodbyes and Steve hangs up to find Bucky waiting, standing by his dresser, obviously interested in what the call was about.

“Pepper thinks I should release a statement or something to the media,” he tells him, sliding his phone into his pocket.

“About us?” Bucky asks, eyebrows raising in clear trepidation.

“More about my sexuality and responding to the protestors. I wouldn’t mention you except maybe to confirm that I am dating someone.” Steve figures they know that either way. “She thinks it could be a good thing to do. What do you think?” He won’t do anything if Bucky doesn’t want him to.

“Honestly?” Bucky says, voice considering. “I think it could be a really good thing. When I was growing up, figuring out who I was, it would have been amazing to see someone like you be out there, happy and proud with their sexuality. Might have made me feel less alone.”

Steve moves over to Bucky to pull him into a hug. He hates the thought of Bucky feeling like that. “I’ll do it then.” Bucky’s right. The world may have moved on since Steve was young, when everyone said homosexuality was a sin, but it hasn’t moved on enough. Maybe if he says something, even just something brief, it could make a difference to someone out there.

Bucky pulls back. “Only if you want to. Don’t feel forced into this.”

“No, I think you’re right.” He’s already thinking about what he could say. He grins at Bucky. “Besides…I’ve never been one to back down from a fight.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...bad news and good news.
> 
> Bad news is I'm taking a little hiatus from posting this fic. The good news, if you're into fantasy AUs, is it's because I'll be posting my Stucky AU Big Bang fic from next weekend. I'll be posting four chapters a week of that for three weeks, so look out for that if you like. I'm excited, I started that in October time, so happy to share it finally! :D
> 
> I will probably still get a chapter or two up of this during the next month, cause lets be real, I always say this and then manage to post, but I just wanted to let you know. Be assured, I'm in no way abandoning this fic, it's currently at 84k, and having a little time will be helpful so I can really polish up the next few chapters and continue writing.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you liked this chapter! Let me know in the comments? Thank you for reading so far x


	11. Breathe Underwater

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! I got tons done on my writing this weekend, way more than I thought so...enjoy a chapter of this 😁 (I mean hopefully you'll like it)

Bucky spends the next couple of days with his heart filled with pride. Once Steve’s decided to do something, he really puts his mind to it, and with Pepper’s help, Steve’s ready to talk to the press in no time at all.

Bucky helps Steve plan. Steve decides on a press conference because they agree that Steve out there talking will be even more effective than a written statement. Steve has such a way about him, and that commanding presence, so Bucky knows people will sit up and take notice.

Steve asks that Bucky be there, though obviously not out in front of the media with him, and Bucky’s happy to. Pepper arranges for him to stay in a back room where he can watch the whole thing, while she goes with Steve for any support he needs. Surprisingly, the other Avengers aren’t involved. Steve wanted to do this alone, seeing as it wasn’t really to do with the others anyway.

Bucky watches on the TV in the back room with a little trepidation that gets overwhelmed by pride the longer Steve speaks. Steve starts with a short statement about how he’s attracted to both men and women and that he is indeed dating a man. He then requests that the press respect his privacy, though Bucky knows that’s a pointless request because the press are like vultures. Then Pepper opens the floor for questions, though she’s very clear that Steve will only answer what he chooses to answer.

Bucky waits to see what sort of things they’ll ask as the first reporter gets picked.

“Do you have anything to say to the people who are calling for you to resign as Captain America and protesting outside?” the first reporter asks.

Steve’s face turns steely. “Yes, I do. I’d like to ask them how my having a boyfriend affects them. What problems does it cause in their lives that they feel they have to protest that fact as though it has anything to do with how I do my job or has any negative impact in the world whatsoever.”

“Well they believe it’s wrong,” a female reporter interrupts, quite boldly, considering the face Steve has going on right now, Bucky thinks.

Steve can obviously hear in her tone that she agrees with them, as he turns his focus completely to her. “Let’s pretend for a moment that I agree with that,” he starts, to Bucky’s surprise. “There are plenty of wrong things in the world, things that actually have an effect or negative impact. I don’t see them out there protesting the latest drunk driver who mows down an innocent family. I don’t see them out there calling for politicians’ resignations when they spout sexist or racist comments for the whole world to hear.”

He’s speaking with so much conviction, Bucky is awed by him. Steve’s tone has the room deadly silent, no one daring to interrupt this time.

“No, instead they protest someone loving someone, as though it makes any difference to their lives, as though they don’t easily have the option to mind their own business.” He pauses for a moment. “I do the best I can to help people,” Steve continues. “Sometimes the very people who now have a problem with who I am. That is what I do as Captain America and it is what I’ll continue to do regardless.” He sits up a little straighter. “I’m dating the most incredible man. The only effect that has is that two people are extremely happy, and I don’t see any reality where putting happiness out into the world has a negative effect.”

Bucky stands there wanting so badly to run out the room and onto the stage and hold Steve tightly and never let him go. He can’t believe how boldly and bravely Steve is speaking about him, except of course he can, because he’s Steve and Steve faces things head on and will never not stand up to a bully.

“But God—” the woman starts, and Bucky can barely believe she’s still trying to argue the point. He’d almost admire her conviction if she wasn’t clearly a raging bigot.

Steve cuts her off immediately. “If you believe in a God, I would hope you would believe that acting like a good person, being kind and respectful and treating others well would be more important to you than spewing hatred for others. I can’t believe the basis of any religion would be hate.”

The woman, unbelievably, starts to open her mouth to speak again, but Steve holds his hand up, stopping her in her tracks. “I’m very aware that I’m probably wasting my breath here. Bigoted, small-minded people don’t often change. But I would like to say to anyone out there like me, anyone who has been bullied or insulted or attacked because of their sexuality—you are perfect the way you are.” He pauses for a second and lets that sink in, while Bucky is sure he’s going to literally explode with pride.

Steve then turns his attention to the reporters in the room. “I would also add, to anyone who harasses myself or my partner, I hope you have a good lawyer, because you’ll definitely be hearing from mine.”

Steve pushes back his chair and the room explodes with reporters waving their hands and asking questions and cameras flashing, but Steve ignores them all and walks off the stage, leaving Pepper to deal with them.

A few moments later, the door opens and in walks Steve and Bucky does grab onto him and holds him like he’ll never let go. Eventually he forces himself to though, so he can see Steve’s face. “I’m so fuckin’ proud of you, that was amazing.” He’s grinning like a madman, hand on Steve’s shoulder.

“You think?” Steve questions. “That reporter got me a little worked up.”

“That was the best thing I’ve ever seen,” Bucky tells him honestly. “I wish I could have run on stage and really given her something to complain about.” He reaches up and presses his lips to Steve’s in a far from innocent kiss to make his point.

Steve laughs as he pulls away. “That certainly would have made a point.”

Bucky suddenly has an idea. “Hey, you guys have like an Avengers Instagram, right?”

Steve looks confused. “I think so? Part of Pepper’s campaign to make us seem ‘more human’,” he muses.

Bucky smiles at him as the idea forms in his head. “I think we should post on it. A picture of us,” he says excitedly.

“You do?” Steve gives him a look like he thinks that’s a really bad idea.

“I think it’s important. Yeah, I don’t want paparazzi out there taking my picture, but I don’t want people thinking I’m hiding or I’m ashamed. Representation is important. If we can even make one kid who’s out there struggling, feel a little better, then it’s worth it. And you just did so much, and I don’t want you just out there doing it alone.” Bucky gives Steve a small smile, hoping he understands. “I want to be in this together.”

Steve smiles back, looking accepting. “If you’re sure? We can’t take it back once it’s out there,” he reminds Bucky.

Bucky shrugs. “I’m not saying we do it regularly, but I think right now would show them we’re not hiding and back up everything you said.”

Steve’s eyes look filled with fondness for him. Bucky loves when Steve gives him that look. He feels it in his core, like Steve just looking at him makes everything inside him better.

Steve pulls out his phone and fiddles with it, until he finds the Instagram account. “Is this it?” he asks, showing Bucky.

“Yep, all logged in and everything,” Bucky smiles.

“Yeah, I think Maria showed me it, but I wasn’t all that interested,” Steve confesses.

He hands Bucky his phone and Bucky pulls up the camera. “Okay, how should we do this?” Bucky says, mostly to himself, as he positions them both in the frame, making sure his left side isn’t in the shot.

Steve leans in and wraps his hands round Bucky’s waist from the side. “How about like this?” he says, and then he presses a kiss to Bucky’s hair and Bucky grins and takes the shot.

Bucky takes a look and smiles as he shows Steve, who moves so he can have a look over his shoulder. It’s a really cute photo even if Bucky does say so himself. Steve nods his approval and Bucky crops it, adds a basic filter and then slowly and carefully types, choosing to keep it simple, going with ‘#pride’, and then captioning it ‘You are perfect the way you are’.

Steve presses a kiss to Bucky’s neck. “You’re perfect,” he murmurs.

Bucky rolls his eyes to himself with a smile. His finger hovers over the button to post it. “Ready?” he double checks with Steve.

“As long as you’re sure?” Steve says, nuzzling his neck.

Bucky nods. “Here goes nothing.” He posts the picture and passes Steve his phone back.

In moments, it’s already getting tons of notifications.

The phone beeps a few seconds later, with a normal message. Steve reads it and lets out an amused huff. “Tony says we’re a hot couple.”

Bucky grins as the phone beeps again. He still hasn’t met the other Avengers yet. He should probably suggest to Steve that he does sometime soon.

“Natasha says well done on breaking the internet and Clint says my speech was amazeballs. What the fuck is amazeballs?” Steve asks, looking mystified.

Bucky laughs and plants a kiss on his boyfriend’s cheek.

Steve looks to be scrolling through the comments now. “There’s a lot of support,” Steve says, almost surprised. Bucky has a look and the post already has an insane amount of likes for how short a time it’s been up. “Lots of people think you’re hot,” Steve adds with a grin.

“Oh yeah?” Bucky laughs, surprised.

“Well the internet has eyes,” Steve says before he puts his phone away and pulls Bucky in for another kiss.

Bucky melts into it. He’s so proud of Steve for today, so proud to be with him and he’s proud of himself for being brave and putting himself out there. He hopes it’s made a difference, even if it’s just a little one. Even if it’s just a little one, it’s worth it.

The door opens and they break apart in surprise to see Pepper standing there. She crosses her arms over her chest, but she’s giving them both a fond look. “You could have warned me before you did that,” she says with a sigh. “But well played.”

 

****

 

People continue to not really notice Bucky when he’s walking around and that’s just fine with him. Steve had been worried, but so far anyone who has recognised him from the photo has been perfectly nice. He’s even had one person thank him for it, which warms his heart in a way he didn’t know existed before.

Steve’s still got idiots protesting him, but his basic method to deal with it is to completely ignore them. He’s said what he had to say on the matter and he has nothing further to add. Bucky’s still incredibly proud of him and nothing much else really changes, except they _are_ a little more careful when they go out together because that’s when they get the most attention if Steve gets recognised. Lately they’ve spent a lot of time at Steve’s anyway. Bucky’s fine with that, cause inside time means more naked time which is pretty much his favourite time.

He’s been feeling a little guilty that he hasn’t seen Sam in a while though, getting a bit too wrapped up with his boyfriend, so he’s taking a night away from Steve to hang out with him. He’s just finished up with work and is locking the door when there’s a sudden loud thunk next to him and he jumps to see a fuckin’ robot next to him. Then he realises a split second later that no, it’s not a robot, it’s Iron Man.

“Bucky Barnes?” Iron Man asks him, because now Iron Man is talking to him. What has Bucky’s life even become?

“Um, yeah?” he says hesitantly.

“Cap sent me,” Iron Man says, the face-plate retracting so now he can see his face, confirming for Bucky that it is Tony Stark in there.

“Is he okay?” Bucky asks instantly, his brain going off in all directions, wondering what might have happened to Steve.

“Aww that’s cute,” Tony says, and Bucky frowns back at him. “He’s fine…ish. But he sent me to come and get you. I’ve got to take you to the tower so you’re safe.”

“Safe from what?” Bucky asks, still frowning, not understanding what Tony is getting at.

Tony looks the tiniest bit uncomfortable. “There was a threat made. I’ll let him tell you.”

“Against Steve?” Bucky asks, panic running through him, even though he knows Steve can take care of himself.

“Not exactly. It was against you,” Tony says bluntly. “So, time to go,” he says, stepping closer.

“Against me? Seriously?” Bucky feels his heart beating even faster.

“We can talk later. Cap’s having a breakdown, gotta get you back.” He reaches out and puts his arms round Bucky. “Hold on tight,” he says, face-plate closing again.

“Wait, what the fuc—” Bucky’s words are cut off as Tony launches into the air and Bucky feels like he can’t breathe.

 _Jesus Christ_ , Iron Man flies fast. Bucky closes his eyes so he can’t see the blur of buildings rushing past them. He feels completely unstable holding on with his one arm and terrified that he might fall. Thankfully the trip ends almost as soon as it began, and he feels solid ground beneath his feet once more as Iron Man deposits him down and lets go.

Bucky opens his eyes to see they’re on the roof of Avengers Tower and then the wind is knocked out of him again as Steve barrels into him, all two hundred and forty pounds of hard muscle hitting him as Steve wraps his arms round Bucky like he’ll never let go.

“Stevie?” Bucky questions as Steve stays like that and Bucky wonders if he actually _will_ ever let go.

Steve pulls back, his hands on Bucky’s cheeks. “You’re okay?” he asks, concern and distress saturating his voice. Bucky’s never seen him like this before.

“I, uh, don’t think I like flying,” Bucky replies. “No offense,” he tells Tony.

Steve presses his lips against Bucky’s for a brief, urgent kiss. It makes Bucky’s head spin. He can feel all the pent-up emotion in Steve through the kiss. When Steve pulls away, he keeps his hands on Bucky’s face, fingers stroking over his ears, apparently unwilling to look away from him.

“Wow,” Tony says, and Bucky sees him looking at them. “That’s something I never thought I’d see.”

“You got a problem with two men kissing?” Bucky says, narrowing his eyes, immediately feeling incensed.

Tony raises his eyebrows. “Spunky,” he says, giving Bucky an almost impressed look. “Apparently I find it quite intriguing actually. And I meant seeing Steve with someone. He’s told me about you and shows you off but seeing that one picture is different to seeing it in real life.”

“Tony…” Steve says in a warning tone, but he’s still looking at Bucky.

“You show me off?” Bucky says with a little teasing smile.

Steve looks at him with fond eyes, but he doesn’t smile. “Let’s get inside,” he tells Bucky, taking his hand, already guiding him towards the doors. Bucky’s starting to wonder just how bad the situation is if Steve won’t joke with him.

Tony follows after them, his suit disappearing in pieces as he goes when Bucky glances back at him. Steve keeps holding Bucky’s hand as they take the elevator down a few floors.

“So…this is Avengers Tower?” Bucky says to break the silence, but the doors open at that moment so neither of them respond.

Steve steps out, Bucky following when Steve tugs his hand, but Tony stays. “I’ll be there in a few minutes,” Steve tells him and Tony nods before the doors close again.

Steve takes him across the corridor, opening a door with a handprint scanner, and holds the door open for Bucky, finally letting go of his hand.

“Steve, what is going on?” he asks as he takes in that they’re in a modern apartment with lots of pristine furniture that looks like it’s never been used. He turns to face Steve, who’s closed the door and Bucky quickly realises that he’s looking at Captain America and not Steve right now, by the look on his face.

“There was a threat made against you,” Steve tells him in his in command and in charge voice. “A group I’ve had dealings with before. They discovered who you are and they’re threatening you to get to me. But we’re going to find them and take them out, I promise you.” He says that completely emphatically, eyes blazing. “I have to go and meet the others. I need you to stay here, but if you need anything, just ask Jarvis.”

Bucky’s trying to process, while his boyfriend looks stern and like he’s very much trying to keep himself together. But Bucky knows him too well and he can see Steve’s basically hanging on by a thread. And it’s because of Bucky, because he’s so concerned about his safety. So even though Bucky wants to know more, he figures it can wait. He doesn’t want to add any more to Steve’s distress. “Okay,” he tells Steve. “But who’s Jarvis?”

Bucky can see the relief in Steve that he’s agreeing to his request. “Jarvis is Tony’s AI. Just say his name and he’ll hear you and he can help with anything you need. I’ll be back as soon as I can.” Steve is still in Cap mode, but he steps forward and kisses Bucky’s hair, one hand cupping his face as he does so, before he’s gone, out the door in three long strides.

Bucky sighs to himself as the door shuts. This sucks. He should probably be more frightened, but it doesn’t really feel real right now. Instead, he turns and gazes around the apartment. He figures he may as well get comfy for a while, so he takes off his jacket and hangs it on the hooks near the front door and also takes off his shoes seeing as the rug in the living area looks like it’s never been walked on, and then he wanders around, poking his head into the various doors that lead off from the main living and kitchen area.

There are two bedrooms, just as unlived in as the main room. Each has its own bathroom and the main room also has a half bath, which Bucky feels is excessive. They’re all top of the range, with huge showers and baths, and rainfall showerheads, sort of like what Steve has in his home. He supposes that Tony likes the luxury things in life.

He goes to have a little nosy round the kitchen, but it doesn’t seem to contain any food. Bucky’s pretty certain no one lives here. He wonders if it’s a guest apartment or something, or maybe it’s for someone but they haven’t moved in yet, so they’ve put him in here for now. He stands by the floor to ceiling windows and takes in the view. He’s ridiculously high up and the city looks gorgeous as the day turns darker.

He turns away and settles down with a sigh on the plush leather sofa. He wiggles a little in satisfaction cause damn it is one comfy couch. After he’s settled himself in, he makes a call to Sam to let him know he can’t make it after all, briefly explaining what’s happened without worrying him too much, and then turns on the TV with the remote that’s on the coffee table. He thinks about calling Becca, but he doesn’t want to worry her if he doesn’t need to. He’ll wait until Steve tells him more. He’s sure it’ll be fine.

 

****

 

“Cap, you really need to calm down.”

Steve looks over at Tony, feeling incensed. “Calm down?” He stares at him in disbelief. “Hydra threatened Bucky’s life and you’re telling me to calm down?”

“We’ve got him here, safe and sound. Nothing’s going to happen to him,” Tony brushes him off while fiddling around on his computer, the projected image changing to show the files he’s looking through.

“That’s only if he stays here,” Steve challenges.

Tony shrugs. “Wasn’t that the point of bringing him here?”

“You know how crazy it is to ask him to stay? We’ve only been seeing each other for three months. Bucky didn’t sign on for this.” He slumps, guilt flooding over him. This is all his fault. He shouldn’t have let Bucky take that picture of them. Along with the shock of learning that Hydra still exists, he also has to deal with the fact that he’s put Bucky in danger. This whole thing could have been avoided if he’d been more careful, if he’d thought about Bucky’s safety properly. Of course he would become a target. He shouldn’t ever let anyone get close to him. “He’s going to hate me,” Steve mutters to himself.

“He’s not going to hate you, Steve,” Natasha says as she walks over to examine the projection, squeezing his shoulder as she stops.

“He should,” Steve replies. He deserves to be hated. He should have tried harder to make Bucky see what being with him would mean. He should have convinced Bucky or he should have stayed away from him.

“You’ve got to stop this,” Natasha tells him, giving him an admonishing look. “Bucky cares about you as much as you care about him—”

“Not possible,” Steve cuts in.

“God, that’s romantic,” Tony says with a fake swoon.

Steve lets out a annoyed breath and glares at him. “Could you just focus on Hydra please?”

“That is exactly what I’m doing while you stand around whining,” Tony retorts.

Steve ignores him. “I want everyone on this.”

“We know,” Natasha tells him. “Clint and Bruce are on their way. I’ve contacted Fury. We’re going to stop them. It’s just going to take some time.”

“I can guarantee it will take longer if you keep barking orders at people,” Tony chips in.

Steve meets his eyes. He’s sick of Tony acting like this is a joke. “What if it was Pepper?” he challenges. “Would you be letting _me_ tell you to calm down?”

Apparently he’s actually won an argument with Tony for once, because he pauses in what he’s doing. “Fair point,” he admits. “Look, you’ve got the team with you on this, alright. We’ll take them down and we’ll keep him safe in the meantime if you can just try and keep it together.”

Steve sucks in a deep breath and then nods. “Okay. Yes, you’re…okay,” he relents.

The screen starts blinking with an incoming call.

“Fury,” Natasha says as she checks who it is, and they gather round the screen.

The call connects and Nick’s impassive face appears. “Alright, Nick,” Steve says, forcing himself to stay calm. “What have we got?”

 

****

 

Bucky gets through two episodes of _Friends_ and one and a half _Grey’s Anatomy_ ’s before Steve returns. He’s majorly shipping Levi and Nico when he hears the door open and Steve comes in, still clearly in Captain mode if his walk is anything to go by.

Bucky reluctantly mutes the TV as Steve approaches. “Everything okay?”

“We’re looking into it,” Steve tells him. “We have some strong leads. As soon as we can, we’ll be out there.” Steve takes a breath and then finally sinks into the armchair near the sofa, looking exhausted. He looks over at Bucky. “I need you to stay here until it’s safe,” he says, his voice firm, but his eyes imploring.

Bucky can see how worried he is. He shrugs. “Yeah, okay, I guess that’s fine.” If it makes Steve feel better, he can do that. “It’s pretty far from work though, any chance Iron Man can fly me in each day?” he jokes.

A sharpness appears in Steve’s eyes. “You can’t go to work, Buck,” he says resolutely. “When I say stay here, I mean it. As in staying in the tower at all times.” His voice is firm, eyes burning into Bucky’s.

Bucky sighs. “Jesus,” he murmurs to himself. “I guess I can see if I can take a couple of days off?” Work won’t like it. Mr. Eisenhardt needs reliable people, that’s his main concern when it comes to hiring people, especially vets like him. But Bucky is usually a good employee, or so he hopes, so maybe it’ll be cool.

Steve leans forward, his eyes softening a little. “I don’t think you understand, Buck. This could take more than a couple of days. We’re working as fast as we can, but this group…they’re not a little thing. It could take weeks…maybe even longer,” Steve adds softly.

Bucky blinks at him. “You…you want me to stay in here for weeks?” he says in disbelief. “I can’t, I’ll lose my job!” He gets up from the sofa in a panic, starting to pace. He can’t just stop working and stay here all the time. Steve is being crazy.

Steve joins him standing. “We can talk to your boss, I’m sure if we explain—”

“No,” Bucky cuts in. “We’re not doing that. I have to go to work. I have rent and bills and…” He rubs his hand over his face. This whole thing is ridiculous. “I can’t just leave my whole life while you try and stop these people.” Steve’s just being overprotective and paranoid. It’s not like they know where he lives or works, do they? How could they? Fuck, he never should have put his face out there. He just didn’t know, never imagined something like this would happen.

“Bucky.” Steve says his name firmly, but Bucky can see in his eyes that he’s scared. “They know who you are. They know what you mean to me. You can’t go out there like everything’s normal. It’s not safe.”

“Can’t you just send some bodyguards with me or something?” Bucky suggests, grasping at straws, waving his hand in the air.

Steve almost smiles. “You think there’s anyone I trust enough to be tasked with protecting you?”

Bucky stops pacing and faces Steve. “Well then you do it! The Avengers can go stop these people, and you can come to work with me and make sure nothing happens.”

Steve shakes his head, looking at the ground, before looking back up at him. “Of all the places to be, near me is the worst one. They’ll be counting on that. The tower is the safest place for now. Tony’s going to put in place measures to limit access to anyone except an approved list of people. No one we don’t know will be allowed in.”

Bucky almost growls in frustration. It sounds like the Avengers have just been sitting around deciding for him what’s going to happen, and he doesn’t like it. “So, what? I’m supposed to just give up my job and sit around here until you stop them?”

“I can take care of your rent and bills, it’s not a problem,” Steve tells him, as though that makes it better.

“That’s not the point, Steve!” Bucky knows Steve’s worried, but it’s crazy that he’s asking this of him. He can’t seem to make Steve understand. “This shouldn’t be happening!” He feels the frustration in him turn to pure exhaustion. “I can’t believe this is happening,” he mutters to himself.

“I know,” Steve says loudly back, apparently frustration taking him over too. “If I could take it back and never start this, so no one would go after you, I would!” he exclaims, running a hand through his hair and exhaling heavily.

Bucky feels that as though Steve just threw his shield right into his chest. He stares at Steve in disbelief, watching Steve’s eyes widen as though he’s just realised what he’s said. “I can’t believe you said that to me,” Bucky utters, feeling distraught that Steve would think that.

“Wait,” Steve starts, moving towards him, reaching out. “I didn’t—”

“Don’t,” Bucky cuts him off, backing away. He shakes his head. “Just forget it,” he murmurs almost to himself, before turning and striding to the door, leaving Steve behind.

He makes his way to the elevator as quickly as he can, looking up, willing himself not to cry as the doors close. “Um, Mr. Jarvis?” he says into the air, still not used to the idea that there’s a computer in the ceiling.

“Yes, Mr. Barnes? How can I help?” a disembodied voice says. It’s really weird.

“Can you, um, please not tell Steve where I am if he looks for me?” Bucky asks. He doesn’t know if Steve will even bother at this point, but Bucky just wants to be away from him.

“Certainly, sir. And please call me Jarvis.”

“Thanks,” Bucky says weakly to the ceiling. “Is there somewhere private or quiet I can go in the tower?”

“The library on the thirty-seventh four, sir?”

Of course there’s a library. “It’s just Bucky. And can I go there please?” he requests.

“Of course, Bucky,” Jarvis replies, and the elevator starts moving.

Jarvis directs him to the library when they reach the right floor, and Bucky enters to find it thankfully completely empty. He finds a little reading corner with a beanbag chair, hidden away from sight of the door, back behind some bookshelves. He takes a little time exploring the library, pulling out a few books, and takes them over to his new reading corner one by one, where he settles down into the chair, and then proceeds to stare into space.

 

****

 

“Buck?” Steve’s tentative voice makes Bucky lurch his head up in surprise, to find Steve standing there, looking down at him.

It must be at least two hours later, if not more. Bucky eventually managed to lose himself in one of the books he picked out and Steve is a sneaky fucker, because Bucky didn’t even hear him approach.

He looks away from Steve. He still doesn’t want to talk to him. It fucking hurt to hear Steve say that. Bucky would never wish they hadn’t met, no matter what’s going on, he loves him too much to ever want that. “Shoulda known you’d be able to override Jarvis,” he glowers.

“What?” Steve questions, voice sounding pained, making Bucky look back at him. He looks really torn up, Bucky notes as he attempts the tricky task of unembedding himself from the beanbag chair, so he can get the hell away from Steve.

“I asked Jarvis not to say where I was,” he mutters in anger as Steve reaches his hand out to help him up and Bucky pointedly ignores it.

“He didn’t,” Steve tells him, as Bucky manages to get to his feet, still holding his book, fingers keeping his place. “I’ve been looking all over the tower for you this whole time.”

Bucky huffs an angry breath out. “Why?” he scowls, looking directly at Steve.

Steve’s face looks pained, somehow even worse than when he met him on the roof. “To tell you how sorry I am,” he says imploringly.

Bucky huffs again and fixes his eyes on Steve’s, knowing they reflect how angry and hurt he is. “That was a really shitty thing you said to me.”

“I know,” Steve says quickly. “I know, and I didn’t mean it. Not one word.” He looks heartbroken and for a moment Bucky feels himself faltering. “I’m not as good a man as you seem to think I am,” Steve continues, eyes downcast. “If I was, I _would_ want that, to sacrifice being with you, if it would keep you safe. But I’m not. I’m selfish and I didn’t mean a word I said.” He looks at Bucky, his eyes red and miserable. “I could never give you up. Not in a million years. You falling on me is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Bucky wants to stay angry, he really does, but it all just seeps out of him in one exhale of breath. “Don’t you ever say shit like that to me again, Rogers,” he warns, still frowning at Steve, but he knows the words come out softer than they should.

“I’m sorry,” Steve says softly, reaching out a hand tentatively towards Bucky’s face.

Bucky rolls his eyes and moves forward so Steve can rest his hand on his cheek and Bucky rests his forehead against Steve’s. “You sure are a dumbass.”

“It’s been said,” Steve replies, his eyes showing a bit of relief now.

Bucky lets Steve wrap his arms around him and hold him tight and Steve presses a kiss to Bucky’s neck like he can’t help himself. Bucky feels himself melt a little into him in relief himself.

“Let’s just get one thing straight, alright?” Bucky says as he pulls back to look at Steve again, and Steve nods, looking a little worried. “You are not responsible for my safety. I’m a grown ass man. I make my own choices.” He says each word firmly, so Steve really gets it. “I choose to be with you and I know that comes with potential risks. But _I_ choose it. Remember that next time you have one of your stupid superhero meltdowns.”

Steve nods again, looking suitably chastised, Bucky thinks. “I promise. You’re right. I respect that it’s your choice. I’m so fucking thankful that you choose to be with me,” he says adamantly. “But…” he starts.

“Oh god,” Bucky groans, stepping away.

“But please, _please_ try and understand this from my point of view,” he implores Bucky, eyes wide and troubled. “I need you to be safe. I can’t work thinking that you could be hurt at any moment. I can barely breathe just thinking about it.”

Bucky sighs. “Oh come on, why did you have to say that,” he complains. He looks at Steve, at the pure worry and fear there, and he knows he’s lost.

Steve doesn’t seem to realise he’s won and goes one further. “I love you, Bucky,” he says for the first time. “Please, please just let me make sure you’re safe,” he pleads, those stupid, perfect eyes burning into Bucky’s.

Bucky glares at him even as his heart thuds in elation. “Seriously? Of all the times to tell me that, you choose now?” It feels amazing to hear Steve say that, feels incredible to know that, but this really isn’t the romantic way he pictured Steve maybe telling him that.

“I’m sorry,” Steve says, looking a tiny bit remorseful. “But it’s true. So you should know that,” he says, straightening up, looking a little bolder now. “It’s been true for a long time now.”

Bucky’s so not saying it back right now. He’s being petulant but he doesn’t care. He knows they both know he does. He wouldn’t be agreeing to this if he didn’t. He lets out an annoyed breath. “Goddammit, you are such an asshole.” He exhales again and points to the pile of books he chose. “Pick those up for me,” he orders.

Steve looks bemused but does as he’s told immediately.

Bucky checks his page number and shoves the book he’s still holding on top of the pile in Steve’s hands and then starts stalking off towards the door. “You need to stock your freaking kitchen with some food you know,” he tells Steve, hearing him follow after him.

“I’ll get right on that,” Steve says.

“And you can go get my laptop and clothes and stuff too,” he tells Steve as they reach the elevator and Bucky presses the button.

“Whatever you want,” Steve agrees.

They enter the elevator with Bucky still scowling until Steve steps next to him and catches his eye. “Thank you, Buck,” Steve says, voice so full of genuine appreciation that Bucky melts.

Bucky rolls his eyes and relents further. “Yeah, whatever. I guess if it was the other way round, I’d want the same. So fine. I’ll stay here and you get to have an unemployed bum for a boyfriend.”

Steve looks guilty when he says that. “I’ll find a way to make it up to you, I swear,” he promises.

“Better unemployed than dead I guess,” Bucky comments dryly.

Steve looks appalled with him for saying that but manages to recover. He rolls his eyes. “Well at least we agree on something.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mini-hiatus still in place, but at least I got a chapter out, and it's one of my faves, I really hope you liked it, let me know in the comments :) 
> 
> My [new fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17815622) is also posting now, if you're interested in some fantasy magic weird times, check that out 😊


	12. My Sweet Prince

There could be worse things than living at Avengers Tower—Bucky can admit that. Everything is so fancy and high tech, Bucky’s surprised the crockery doesn’t come to life and start talking to him like in _Beauty and the Beast_. He thinks if he mentioned it, Tony would probably get round to making that happen at some point.

Bucky did call Mr. Eisenhardt to quit his job. He was surprisingly cool about it, even though Bucky couldn’t tell him exactly why. He made something up about having to be away for a while due to an emergency, which was sort of true and Mr. Eisenhardt, while he couldn’t hold his job for him, did say that if he had an opening in the future and Bucky was available, that he’d be happy to have him back. Bucky thanked him profusely, especially as he was leaving with no notice, surprised to find that Mr. Eisenhardt had actually seemed to like him, or at least thought he was a good worker. Bucky had always worried that he’d been too slow because of his arm.

Steve had gone to get his stuff so Bucky felt more at home, and had spent the last few days wandering around like a guilty puppy, offering Bucky basically anything he wanted to make him staying there as painless as possible. So yeah, it still sucks that he’s basically stuck in the tower, but he’s kinda enjoying bribing Steve into hour-long foot rubs a bit too much, when he’s there at least.

Steve’s been spending most of his time with the other Avengers, working on finding Hydra and bringing them down, so Bucky’s ended up being left alone a lot. He doesn’t really mind all that much—he’s always been good at being alone. Bucky appreciates Steve is doing everything he can to make him safe again, and if that means working all day and sometimes all night, then Bucky’s not going to whine about not seeing him, though he does wish he could get Steve to take care of himself a bit better at the same time.

So the first week there isn’t bad at all, really. There are good and bad things. Bucky spends his time exploring the tower, reading books, and then sometimes chatting to Jarvis, because it’s easy to forget that he’s a program and not a person. It’s sort of nice to have so much time to himself to just relax for a while.

The worst part was calling Becca to tell her what was happening. She, of course, freaked out, and it had taken Bucky a long time to get her to calm down, with the offer that her and Sam could come visit him at the tower soon. Sam had been less scared and more concerned, but also sounded pleased with how seriously Steve’s taking the threat and how he’s trying to protect Bucky.

Bucky’s favourite part of it so far though has to be getting to sleep with Steve every night. And not just in the sex kind of way, though that happens pretty much every night as well, but in the sleeping way. He’s already come to love wrapping himself around Steve to fall asleep, when Steve is back in time, and then waking with Steve wrapped around him every morning.

Except as Bucky wakes that morning, Steve isn’t wrapped round him. Bucky stretches and opens his eyes slowly to find that Steve is naked, but unfortunately pulling clothes out of the dresser.

Bucky lets out a noise of protest, while admiring Steve’s naked peachy ass. Seriously, has anyone in the history of time ever had an ass that perfect. Bucky’s certain the answer is no. His hand is itching to grab it.

“Come back to bed,” he whines at Steve and Steve turns round, and mmm there’s another of Bucky’s favourite Steve body parts, sadly not hard, but Bucky’s pretty sure he could change that if Steve gives him a minute.

“Sorry, Buck, I gotta get upstairs,” Steve apologises, pulling on some black boxer briefs, that Bucky thinks might actually be his because they’re a very tight fit. “You go back to sleep.”

“Can’t you help me get back to sleep?” Bucky pouts at him. He very rarely pulls this move on Steve, because he feels a little bad about its effectiveness, but lately he’s been using it more and more.

Steve does pause, and Bucky keeps up the pout, pats the bed and then lifts the covers, showing off his very naked self, and his already semi-hard dick to Steve.

“Buck…” Steve says, his name coming out as a little whine as Steve obviously battles with himself.

Sadly Bucky doesn’t get to see if he can tempt him because the door to their bedroom suddenly opens with a bang and Bucky about has a heart attack while Steve looks about ready to pounce until he sees who it is.

“Ah, Steven, there you are,” Thor beams at him. “I received your call for assistance.”

Before Steve says anything, Thor turns his attention to Bucky. “Ah, you must be Bucky. I’ve been informed about you,” Thor says with a grin, striding over and offering his hand, and it’s at that point that Bucky realises the sheet he was holding did not land completely covering him when he dropped it in terror and Thor seems to have just realised that as well as he looks down and then away. “Apologies, I did not realise you would be naked,” he says, casting his eyes to the ceiling, as Bucky scrambles to cover himself, realising his arm is on display as well.

“Christ,” Steve mumbles. “That’s why you don’t just barge in to people’s bedrooms,” he says to Thor, giving Bucky an apologetic look.

Bucky thinks he doesn’t need an apology, seeing as how he’s died of mortification already. Maybe he could just pull the covers over his head and try to disappear?

“I was told it was urgent,” Thor says, now looking at Steve.

“Not that urgent,” Steve rolls his eyes and starts pulling on some pants and a shirt.

Thor stands waiting. “I apologise again. Stark thought it wise I come and find you when you didn’t appear at the scheduled time.”

Steve rolls his eyes again. “Of course he did. I’m only five minutes late,” he complains.

“And indeed, I see why,” Thor replies, and then turns and gives Bucky a wink, and Bucky feels even more embarrassed, which he didn’t think was possible.

Steve looks exasperated, but just moves over to the bed and leans onto the mattress with one knee so he can kiss Bucky on the cheek. “Sorry about this,” he murmurs. “I’ll see you later, okay?” He moves away again and turns to Thor. “C’mon, let’s leave Bucky to sleep.”

Thor nods and looks over at him again. “Lovely to have met you, Bucky,” he says with a wave.

Bucky thinks he might let out a squeaky goodbye, but he can’t be sure. When the door closes, he drops his head down against the pillow and lets out a pained groan, because holy crap…an actual _god_ just saw his dick.

 

****

 

One thing Bucky really loves about the tower is the massive bathtub in his and Steve’s en suite. Seeing as he doesn’t have much to do, he delights in taking ridiculously long baths. It’s becoming a pretty much everyday habit for him. He’s just finished having the _most_ relaxing bath and is drying off, sitting on their bed, when he hears Steve come home.

“Hey, Buck,” Steve calls out, like he usually does.

“Hey, Stevie,” he calls back. “Come in here,” he requests. “I’m all naked and wet,” he grins to himself, trying to make his voice low and husky, lying back on the bed in what he hopes is a seductive manner. “Been thinking about getting that gorgeous mouth of yours on me,” he adds.

He hears a choking sound coming from the living room along with a surprised burst of laughter. Not Steve’s laughter, Bucky realises, eyes widening as he freezes.

“Shit, um, Buck?” Steve says from the other room. “Clint’s here with me.”

Bucky chokes and scrambles to cover himself with his towel, feeling exposed even though they aren’t coming to the room. “Oh dear god,” he utters slowly to himself.

“Um, Tony invited us all to have dinner together,” Steve continues. “Clint decided to tag along to see the apartment.”

“If it’s an open offer, I wouldn’t mind seeing you naked and wet!” Clint yells out loudly, and Bucky considers attempting to jump out the bulletproof reinforced unopenable windows.

“Clint,” he hears Steve say in a warning tone.

“Your guy’s hot,” Clint exclaims. “A man can be secure enough in his mostly heterosexuality to recognise that.”

“Please just stop,” Steve requests. Bucky can imagine Clint’s getting stern Captain America eyes levelled at him right now.

Steve appears in the bedroom doorway a couple of seconds later. He looks apologetically at Bucky. “Sorry about that.”

Bucky’s still waiting for the mortification to go away. “Well now Thor’s seen me naked and Clint’s heard me proposition you, I guess all that’s left is Tony walking in on us having sex,” Bucky replies, voice edging on hysteria.

“Tony might be into that!” Clint yells from the other room.

Steve lets out a breath and closes the bedroom door with a little slam. “Sorry, Buck.” He approaches the bed and leans down to run his hand over Bucky’s damp hair. “Do you want to go to the group dinner thing? We don’t have to.”

“Do you promise to not seat me next to Thor or Clint?” Bucky requests, looking up at Steve.

“Promise,” Steve smiles. “And I promise after, we’ll come back here and I’ll get my mouth on you,” he says slyly, looking hotly at Bucky.

Bucky sighs as Steve trails his fingers down Bucky’s bare thigh. “Sounds fair.” He strokes his hand over the tips of Steve’s fingers. “So…who’s coming to dinner?”

 

****

 

It turns out everyone. Everyone is coming to dinner. Bucky is sitting surrounded by Avengers. Steve is on his right and Natasha on his left. Thor is directly across from him, so Bucky has to not look up a lot, because whenever he looks at Thor, he feels instantly embarrassed. Tony, Bruce and Clint make up the rest of the table.

Even though Bucky’s met them all individually except for Bruce, he’s never been in a room with all of them at once. It’s a little intimidating. He tries to remember just how nice they’ve all been to him though, and how much work they’re all putting in to stopping Hydra. Steve said that was partly why Tony wanted to have everyone meet for dinner, because they’ve all been working so hard. Bucky’s spent most of the meal trying to work up the courage to thank them all. Especially as the early evening chatter has slowly turned into a discussion of where they’re at with Hydra as the night wears on.

“I’m just saying, it’s strange,” Tony says, as Bucky tunes back in to the conversation. “Every time I think I’ve got something, it seems to slip away.”

“Like they know we’re onto them,” Clint chips in, before sipping his beer.

“It’s like they’re a step ahead before we even know where the path is,” Natasha murmurs. “Almost as though—”

“As though they’ve got inside help,” Steve finishes her thought.

Bruce looks troubled. “That’s not what she’s saying. It’s not, is it Nat?” he asks, looking over at her with wide worried eyes.

“Not us,” Nat replies quickly. “But something strange is going on. I’m going to find out what.”

“I apologise I have not been around much to help,” Thor speaks up. “After Malekith and my brother’s death, I confess I did need some time away.”

Bucky looks up, this time without feeling embarrassed. “Your brother died?” he asks without thinking.

Thor looks sad but speaks matter-of-factly. “Yes, Loki…he perished. While we did not always see eye to eye, I still grieve for him.”

“I’m sorry,” Bucky tells him. “You shouldn’t…don’t feel that you need to be here if you need time alone,” he says, before realising maybe that’s not his place to say. But it’s because of him that Thor is here, so he can’t help saying it.

“You are very kind, Bucky. But do not worry about me.” He looks round at the table with a gentle smile. “When my friends need me, I will always come.”

“Thank you,” Bucky tells him genuinely. He looks round at the rest of them as well. “To all of you, I mean. I know this whole thing is pretty much my fault and I just want you to know how much I appreciate you trying to make it safe for me again.”

“I mean, really it’s Cap’s fault,” Tony pipes up, before Steve can open his mouth, but Bucky can tell from his tone that he’s joking.

“Tony…Steve has to be allowed to live his life,” Bruce admonishes him anyway.

Steve tries to cut in again, but Natasha speaks over him. “If it wasn’t you they were threatening, Bucky, it would be someone else. There’s no blame here.”

“Only Hydra,” Clint adds.

“I should have been more careful, I realise that,” Steve finally gets a word in.

Tony sighs and leans back in his chair. “We can’t let these people influence how we live our lives, Cap. I almost lost Pepper. For a while I thought that meant I should stay away from her. But then they win.” He takes a sip of his scotch. “So I’m happy to help. We’ll keep Bucky safe, because it’s us. It’s what we do.”

Bucky’s touched. It’s nice that they want to help keep him safe. He’s felt like a bit of a burden, but it seems none of them feel that way about him.

Steve gives Tony a small smile. “Thank you, Tony.”

“If needed, I shall take Bucky to Asgard to keep him safe,” Thor beams at Bucky.

Bucky feels his eyes widen in disbelief and alarm and he looks over at Steve in a mild panic.

Steve laughs softly. “You do like space,” he says to Bucky with amusement in his eyes. “We’ll definitely keep it in mind,” he tells Thor as Bucky chokes on his drink.

“Hey, you’ve never invited me,” Tony complains at Thor. “Just a little life-threatening and then you get an invite?”

“Perhaps I just like Bucky more than you,” Thor grins.

“Who taught him to be an ass?” Tony questions, looking accusingly round the table.

“Boys…” Natasha softly scolds them.

“He must have picked it up from you,” Clint chips in to Tony, tipping his beer at him.

Bucky watches as they continue to good-naturedly insult each other. Even Steve chips in, which makes Bucky smile. He’s seen first-hand how worried Steve has been lately, like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders, it’s nice to see him relaxing, at least a little. He starts thinking of ways he can keep Steve relaxed when they’re alone again and smirks to himself, hiding his smile behind his drink. Mmm, yes, he can’t wait for relaxing time with Steve.

 

****

 

Bucky ends up being the one relaxed. Steve managed to excuse them when Clint started suggesting they all do shots, for which Bucky was grateful. The Avengers are all great, but he knows they could all drink him under the table. It’s better he doesn’t wake up with a killer hangover.

He slumps down onto the sofa in their place and reaches his arm out to Steve to try and get him to come and sit with him. “That was fun,” he tells Steve, who’s moved to the kitchen to grab a glass of water.

“Yeah. I think it was good for us all to unwind a little,” Steve replies, bringing Bucky his own glass. Steve perches on the arm of the sofa instead of next to Bucky. “You know none of this is your fault, right?”

Bucky lets out a breath. He should have known Steve wouldn’t let that comment go. “I know. I just feel guilty,” he admits with a grimace.

“You have nothing to feel guilty for,” Steve says firmly.

“Neither do you,” Bucky cuts in, speaking just as firmly.

Steve gives him a little smile like he doesn’t agree, but he doesn’t argue it.

“You don’t,” Bucky repeats, furrowing his brow.

“Okay,” Steve says, somewhat acceptingly. He stands up. “I’m just going to get washed up, I’ll be back in a minute.”

Bucky nods and reaches for the remote as Steve leaves the room. It’s not hugely late, maybe they can watch an episode or two of something.

“Hey, Buck?” Steve calls out to him a couple of minutes later. “Can you come in here for a second?”

Bucky frowns to himself as he gets up. “Is something wrong?” he calls back as he walks to the bedroom.

There’s nothing wrong. Bucky takes a surprised breath in as he enters the room to find it lit with flickering candles. There’s a plush towel laid across the bed and the whole place smells like lavender. He meets Steve’s eyes where he’s standing across the room.

“I thought it was about time I made good on that massage promise,” Steve says with a little smile, holding up a bottle of what must be massage oil and waving it at him.

Bucky lets out a little surprised laugh. “Oh my god, you’re too cute,” he says, shaking his head in amazement.

“You deserve something nice,” Steve tells him. “You’ve been handling everything so amazingly, I can’t even explain…” He trails off and smiles softly at Bucky, love in his eyes, before he straightens up like he’s remembered what he was doing. “Now I’m afraid you’re gonna have to be naked for this,” he continues, with a lingering look up and down Bucky’s body.

“Oh really?” Bucky replies with a raised eyebrow, while feeling touched that Steve thinks he’s handling things well. “Well I’m pretty sure I get a robe for privacy while I get under the towel,” he teases. “All the best massage places do that.”

Steve looks like he’s holding in a smirk. “I’m sorry, sir, it seems we’re all out of robes,” he says, as he approaches Bucky, putting the oil down on the nightstand. “We do pride ourselves on our service though,” he adds as he reaches Bucky and strokes his hands over his shoulders. “We’re especially proud of our undressing service.” He moves his hands to the bottom of Bucky’s henley, to start removing it for him, and then suddenly stops, right about the same time that Bucky realises the same thing Steve obviously has.

He’s wearing his prosthesis. He wore it to dinner, because he didn’t want to feel too vulnerable in front of all Steve’s super-friends. He’s never taken it off in front of Steve before. He’s not sure why. Steve sees him without it and he sees him with it, but removing it in front of him…somehow he feels like it highlights how different he is.

“You want a minute to go to the bathroom?” Steve offers kindly, moving his hands away.

It only takes a second for Bucky to make up his mind. Steve loves him. This doesn’t need to be a thing anymore, not with someone he trusts more than anything. “No,” he tells Steve, looking into his eyes, trying to convey exactly what that no means.

“Oh,” Steve says softly. “Are you sure?” he asks, because he’s the sweetest guy in the entire world.

“Mmmhmm,” Bucky murmurs and smiles at Steve. “You know, this undressing service is terribly slow.”

Steve’s face lightens again and he smiles back. “I apologise, let me get right on that.” His hands go to Bucky’s shirt again and he carefully pulls it off this time. He looks at the arm and the straps that attach round Bucky’s shoulder and back.

“You just undo that bit,” Bucky says, nodding towards the strap, so Steve does so, so carefully and gently, Bucky feels that glow again that he gets when Steve is so sweet to him. “Then pull it off carefully.”

Steve does, again being so careful and loving. He’s now holding Bucky’s arm in his hands.

“Then just the sleeve bit,” Bucky nods to the little fabric piece that protects his stump.

Steve places the arm carefully down on their dresser and then rolls the sleeve down and puts it with the arm. Then he places a kiss to Bucky’s left shoulder.

Bucky lets out a fake shocked gasp, which obviously panics Steve as he jerks away like he’s scared he’s hurt Bucky. “That is _so_ unprofessional,” Bucky chastises him.

Steve’s face relaxes. “I’m sorry, sir, it’s part of the service you’re receiving,” he smirks.

Bucky grins. “Oh, well if it’s part of the service…”

Steve wraps his hand round Bucky’s neck and draws him in for a deep kiss. He doesn’t imagine he’ll ever get sick of kissing Steve. There’s nothing in this world that makes him feel more loved or wanted.

Steve starts undoing Bucky’s jeans as he continues to kiss him, eventually pulling away so he can slide them and Bucky’s boxers off, pulling off his socks too as he kneels at Bucky’s feet. Bucky’s starting to think maybe he should forgo the massage and just keep Steve there on his knees. He can feel himself hardening a little at the thought.

Steve gazes at him as he stands back up but doesn’t comment on it. Instead he walks round behind Bucky and gathers his hair up to tie it back for him. “On the bed please, sir,” Steve murmurs when he’s done, and then gives Bucky’s ass a little slap.

Bucky jerks and gives Steve a scandalised look and then makes his way to the bed and lies down on his front on the towel, pulling a pillow under his head, waiting.

He feels the bed sink as Steve climbs on and then he settles over Bucky’s ass, knees either side of him, warm skin touching his, making him realise Steve’s naked now too. He hears a bottle click and then Steve’s warm, slick hands are on him, stroking lightly over his shoulders. Bucky shivers a little and lets out a small moan.

“You just relax,” Steve murmurs to him, and then his hands are kneading Bucky’s shoulders and it feels so good, Bucky lets out another groan and closes his eyes.

Steve’s incredibly diligent, rubbing slowly over every part of Bucky’s back in stages. Bucky feels like melted wax, all gooey and malleable, time ceasing to have any meaning as he lies there, content to stay forever. Steve’s hands eventually slide back up and reach the top of each arm, where he pauses.

“Buck,” he says softly. “Is this okay?” he asks, lightly dragging his fingers down over Bucky’s left arm.

“Mmm,” Bucky hums. “Supposed to be good for it.”

Steve works more gently over his shoulders and then steadily downwards, starting on his right arm and then moving over to his left. God, does it feel nice. Bucky’s supposed to do this himself, but he hardly ever does. Maybe Steve won’t mind doing this for him sometimes now, he muses.

Steve’s fingers reach the end, where the scar tissue is, but Bucky doesn’t even flinch. He knows he’s safe in Steve’s hands. Steve is even more careful on this part, and Bucky can’t feel as much there, but it still feels amazing. Especially amazing that Steve has no problems with touching his stump and the scars there.

“Mmm…that’s so good, baby,” Bucky purrs out happily, head feeling all fuzzy, as relaxed as his body now.

Steve leans in and kisses just beneath Bucky’s ear, making his skin tingle.

When he finishes with Bucky’s arm, Bucky feels him shimmy down, so he’s sitting over the backs of his knees now, and then Steve’s talented hands are on his ass, squeezing and kneading the muscle.

Bucky groans again. “Mmm, the service here is really excellent,” he murmurs, smiling into his pillow.

“Oh, you have no idea,” Steve rumbles. “Do you want to sleep, baby, or do you want a little extra, on the house?”

“Mm…extra…” Bucky manages to say even though he’s totally blissed out now.

A second later, Steve’s holding his ass in both hands and then Bucky’s relaxation shatters as he jerks in surprise as Steve’s tongue licks over his hole.

“Shit,” he chokes out, head jerking up from the pillow.

“Just relax,” Steve soothes him, before he bites Bucky on the ass.

Bucky yips, even though it didn’t hurt, and then moans Steve’s name as his tongue gets to work once more.

Bucky’s cock is already fully hard and trapped beneath him, but when he tries to wiggle to get some friction, Steve holds him still with his big hands. “Patience,” he scolds him lightly.

Bucky can’t help but groan a little, but he stays still. Steve’s so fucking good at this, Bucky loves letting Steve take control. He already knows exactly how to get Bucky trembling and begging for more. He gets Bucky close in no time, but then moves away and Bucky lets out a noise of protest.

“Do you think I earned a tip?” Steve murmurs at him, nipping him on the ass again.

“That’s so unsexy,” Bucky chuckles back, thinking of all the innuendoes he could make with the word ‘tip’.

“Should I give you a tip?” Steve replies, putting on a ridiculously low, fake sexy voice and stealing one of Bucky’s innuendoes right out of his head.

“I _have_ been very good,” Bucky muses, turning his head to look at Steve, eyes sparkling with mirth.

Steve’s pressing his lips together, trying not to laugh, but that’s not what takes Bucky’s interest. Steve’s hand stroking over his own cock, _that’s_ what Bucky’s eyes are drawn to.

“Fuck, you look good,” he whimpers.

“I feel good too,” Steve grins, still using his fake sexy voice, clearly unable to hold back his smile.

“Fuck yes, you do,” Bucky agrees. He wiggles his ass a little, making Steve drop his eyes down, pupils widening a bit in the candlelight. “Come get your tip then,” he smirks.

Steve wipes the smirk from Bucky’s face the second he pushes into him.

Bucky feels smothered by Steve but in an extraordinarily good way. His whole body feels encased by him, Steve’s chest hot against his back, and then Steve pulls them over to their sides, so Steve is spooning him, hips moving languidly, fucking Bucky slowly.

Steve whispers how much he loves this as he traces his hands all over his body, mouth at his neck, switching between mumbling words into it, kissing it, and sucking down on it, before his hand finally settles on Bucky’s cock, gently teasing him with soft strokes.

Bucky’s absolutely boneless by the time they collapse together, relaxed, pleasure-soaked and happy. Steve’s tucks him in, draping himself against Bucky’s side again. “Did the service meet your expectations,” he murmurs in Bucky’s ear.

Bucky laughs and reaches back to hit him lightly on the leg. “Five stars, Stevie, five stars,” he murmurs. He could get used to this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay I got another chapter out during hiatus! Is this even really a hiatus? I don't know, but whatever. Hope you enjoy, let me know in the comments? x


	13. Ask For Answers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sneak attack surprise chapter! Cause it's raining here.

As another week passes, Bucky finds himself thinking more and more about the future. Steve tells him they’re making progress with finding Hydra and Bucky’s glad to hear it, but he keeps thinking about what comes after that. He has no doubt that Steve will take them down, his faith in his boyfriend pretty unwavering, but it makes him think about what he can do next. Because when he thinks about it, he doesn’t want to be working at a hardware store for the rest of his life, even if he can get his job back at some point.

The thing is, he’s never really known what he wants to do. It’s part of the reason he joined the army. That was a plan at least. But then he did his time and decided he’d done that long enough and was just starting to adjust back to civilian life when he got hurt and then it was like all his options disappeared.

He looks down at his left arm, where he’s got his hoodie pinned up, forgoing the prosthesis today, and remembers the offer from Tony via Steve. At the time, he couldn’t do it, because of recovery time and his job. But now he thinks about it, all those reasons are gone, seeing as he’s stuck in the tower for the foreseeable future anyway. And okay, yes, he didn’t want to go through surgery again, so there is still one reason, but he doesn’t know if that’s a big enough reason.

His mind keeps coming back to the idea of it. He continues thinking about it over the next couple of days, seemingly unable to not think about it now. He eventually decides why not get some more information on it? It doesn’t have to mean anything. He’s not saying yes to anything, just…finding out details.

“Jarvis?” Bucky says, looking up. He’s been sitting on the sofa, staring into space for a while, ruminating over and over. Steve’s not home, still off trying to get ahead of Hydra.

“Yes, Bucky?” the polite voice replies immediately.

“Could I, um, make an appointment with Mr. Stark at some point? Whenever he’s free?” Bucky asks the ceiling.

“Certainly,” Jarvis replies. Only a minute later, he speaks again. “Sir is free right now if you would like?”

“Oh.” Bucky’s surprised. He would have thought he’d have to wait a while, assuming Tony’s busy a lot, not just with helping Steve, but with his company and Iron Man things. He feels a little ill prepared, but figures what the hell. “Um, okay, sure.”

“If you head to the elevator, I’ll take you to the correct floor,” Jarvis tells him.

Bucky suddenly feels a lot more nervous than he thought he would. But he takes a breath and walks over to pull on his shoes. Then he figures maybe he should wear his prosthesis, so Tony knows what he’s currently got, so he heads back to the bedroom to attach it.

Then, ignoring how stupidly fast his heart is beating, he finally heads out the door to see Tony.

 

****

 

Bucky has about a million different thoughts running through his head for the rest of the day. Tony explained everything about the arm he’s been developing with guidance from his friend Shuri, who’s apparently one of the brightest minds in the world, according to Tony. Tony couldn’t actually show the arm to him yet as he’s not done with it and refused to show him an unfinished arm. He seems to be a pretty big perfectionist. But he showed Bucky on screen what it’s supposed to look like and explained what it would do and that was enough. He said they’d adapt it for his body shape, trying to match his other arm as well and had Jarvis scan him while he was there.

It sounds crazy. Bucky’s pretty sure Tony is blowing smoke about the functionality, cause no way will it be as amazing as he seems to think, but still…anything is an improvement.

The hardest part had been when Tony wanted to see his arm. Bucky panicked. He just couldn’t. It’s one thing to have Steve see it. Having a near stranger see it is quite another. He knows he’ll see it if he goes ahead with the operation, but still, he couldn’t bring himself to show him today. But surprisingly, Tony was actually understanding about it. Instead, he picked up on Bucky’s hesitation and let Bucky just explain his injury and what his stump was like and he pointed out where his arm ended, and Tony seemed to find that to be enough information to be sure that he was a candidate.

Suddenly it all seems so real. This could really happen. And the first thing Bucky wants to do is talk to Steve about it. Thankfully, Steve had come back for dinner for once. Bucky’s spent most of it trying to decide what to tell Steve. He doesn’t want to get Steve’s hopes up too much, in case he decides against the surgery, but at the same time, he wants to know what Steve thinks. He needs another opinion.

Bucky clears their plates away as he readies himself to talk to Steve. He walks back over to the table when he’s put the dishes in the sink. “So I went to see Tony today,” he says, hovering near the table as Steve gets up.

Steve seems a little surprised. “Oh yeah, you guys becoming friends?” Steve asks, eyebrow raised, looking back at Bucky as he moves to the sofa, Bucky following behind him.

Bucky pushes his hair back behind his ear, feeling nervous as Steve sits down, and then he joins him. “Actually, I um, I went to ask him about the arm thing, the advanced prosthesis?”

Steve looks even more surprised. “You did?”

Bucky nods, looking down at his knees. “Yeah…I just figured maybe I should find out a bit more about it.” He looks at his left shoulder subconsciously. “I mean, I didn’t want to do it before because of the recovery time and my job and stuff, but that’s not an issue now,” he says, looking up and rolling his eyes a little. He doesn’t mean to make the flash of guilt on Steve’s face happen.

“So, how’d it go?” Steve asks before he can apologise.

Bucky can tell he’s being cautious. He probably doesn’t want to be overenthusiastic about it, probably thinking he’ll take it as an insult. “Okay,” Bucky says simply. “I’m gonna talk to Bruce next. He would be in charge of the flesh part of me, and Tony the arm, apparently.”

“That, um…sounds good?” Steve offers.

“Yeah. Tony seemed really excited about it. He said it would be way more advanced and make life a lot easier for me.” Bucky pauses. “Apparently it would be on all the time, sort of permanent, I guess, though Tony said he could detach it for adjustments and stuff?” That’s the part Bucky feels most nervous about—having it attached all the time. The current one hurts when he wears it too long, he doesn’t want something like that all the time. Tony assured him it wouldn’t, but Bucky figures Bruce will know for sure.

“Can I come with you…when you talk to Bruce?” Steve asks softly, as though bracing himself for Bucky saying no.

“Sure,” Bucky shrugs easily. It’s nice that Steve wants to be involved and sounds supportive. If this thing happens, Bucky will need all the support Steve can give him.

Bucky sort of regrets that decision later. They go to see Bruce a couple of days later and while at first Steve is quiet and just listens intently, as they keep talking, he starts to pipe up a little.

“So what are the odds that it all goes as planned?” Steve asks boldly, interrupting Bruce as he’s talking about the operation.

Bruce looks slightly startled but recovers quickly. “This isn’t something we’ve done before so…I’d put the odds of the arm being fitted and working correctly at around eighty-five percent,” he tells them.

Bucky appreciates his honesty. Eighty-five percent doesn’t sound too bad to him.

Steve apparently doesn’t like the reply. “That’s not what I was asking,” he replies firmly, fully in Cap mode again, Bucky can tell.

Bruce looks a little uncomfortable now. He coughs a little. “Um, the odds of the operation…of survival?” he says quietly. “I’d estimate seventy to eighty percent?” He looks apologetic. “It’s extensive surgery and while all surgery carries risks, this one…it’s a little riskier as it’s experimental.”

“No,” Steve says, standing up.

Bucky frowns. It’s like he’s forgotten that he’s even there. “Steve,” he says, putting on his best stern voice, trying to remind him that he’s talking about him while he’s right there.

Steve looks down at him where he’s still sitting. “No,” he says again, but softer this time. “It’s too risky.”

Bucky sighs. “Dr. Banner, could you please give us a minute?” he asks.

“Sure.” Bruce looks happy to get out of there. “It’s Bruce though, please,” he requests as he leaves quickly, glancing back at them as he does.

Bucky nods in thanks as he goes, and stands up to face Steve. “Stevie…” he starts.

“Bucky, no,” Steve responds again.

“I thought you wanted this for me? You were the one who brought it up the first time,” Bucky reminds him.

“I didn’t know the risks then!” Steve bursts out. “It’s too much, too high. Thirty percent chance…thirty…” He trails off, looking distraught.

Bucky sighs and tries to keep himself together. “I feel like if it was one percent, you’d still think it was too much.”

Steve reaches out to him then, hand coming up to caress his cheek. “Bucky…” His name comes out as a broken noise.

Bucky knows he’s concerned, but he needs Steve to understand. “This could make my life so much better, you have to understand that,” Bucky tells him gently, looking into Steve’s worried eyes.

“I know that. I know…” Steve pauses again, moving his hand, and starts pacing. “But what if…what if something happens?” He stops and faces Bucky from a few feet away now.

“Something could always happen,” Bucky shakes his head with a sad smile. “You think I like it when you go off on one of your missions? You think the fact that I know the odds are usually in your favour even matters? Cause it doesn’t. I still lie awake panicking, wondering where you are, if you’re okay, if maybe, just maybe, that last time I kissed you will be the actual last time…” Bucky stops and takes a choked breath. He’s never told Steve this before. But it’s always there, whenever Steve is away. Bucky tries so hard to be strong, but when Steve is away, he usually falls apart a little.

Steve looks troubled. “I’m sorry—” he starts before Bucky cuts in.

He sighs. “I’m not looking for apologies, I was just saying—”

“I know. But it’s not the same thing,” Steve continues, a resolved look in his eyes.

“It sorta is,” Bucky says, feeling a little anger bubbling up now. “It’s not your decision anyway,” he reminds him, his voice just as firm as Steve’s.

“Buck,” Steve frowns, looking a bit like he’s about to launch into a speech to convince Bucky he’s right.

Bucky stands up a little straighter. This conversation’s taken a turn he doesn’t really like. He didn’t expect Steve to be so against this. He thought he’d be happy for him. He can’t help feeling a little let down.

He fixes his eyes on Steve’s. “Tell you what…you quit. You quit being Captain America and I won’t get the surgery. How’s that? Does that work for you?” he says, challenging Steve.

Steve looks hugely uncomfortable, like he can’t tell if Bucky is bluffing or not. He takes a second. “You…you know I can’t do that,” he finally says.

“Okay.” Bucky expected that even though they’ve never actually discussed that before. He decides not to prolong the argument. “Well, I’m going to find Bruce and Tony and see when we can do this then.” He starts moving to the door, Steve frozen behind him. “I hoped I’d have your support on this,” he adds before he leaves, unable to keep the disappointment from his voice.

 

****

 

Bucky spends a long time with Tony and Bruce, talking over everything. He appreciates that they spend their time doing so and uses it to be extra thorough with everything he asks them. By the time he leaves them, he’s pretty much decided. He wants to do this. He doesn’t know what he’s going to do about Steve, but he wants this. He’s ready for it. He’s scared, but he wants to do this.

When Bucky gets back to the apartment, he finds Steve there waiting for him. He lurches up from the sofa with a bouquet of flowers in his hands, to stand and look at Bucky. He looks awful. Bucky pauses in surprise.

“I’m sorry,” Steve says straight away. “You’re right, it’s your choice, not mine. I don’t have to like it, but…I can support it, if it’s what you want.”

Bucky softens instantly. He was never really mad anyway, he knows Steve is just worried about him, but he needs his support. He’ll need him there to get through this. “Thank you,” he says softly. He approaches Steve and puts his hand out to take the white and lilac flowers, cradling them to his chest. No one has ever bought him flowers. It’s a sweet gesture.

“I don’t know why you put up with me,” Steve continues. “All I ever do is ask things of you and you never ask anything from me…” he says, looking away, berating himself.

Bucky feels instantly dismayed. “Hey, no, none of that.” He moves and puts the flowers down on the kitchen counter and takes Steve’s hand. Steve looks at him, fear in his eyes. “Stevie, baby, come on. All you ever want is for me to be safe. I understand that, okay? I’m not mad about it.”

Steve shakes his head, looking helplessly at Bucky. “You’ve had to give up your whole life because of me,” he reminds him, sounding completely distraught.

“That’s just temporary,” Bucky tells him, letting go of Steve’s hand so he can pull him in for a hug. Yes, the situation sucks, but that’s not Steve’s fault and the tower isn’t so bad. He’s even allowed up on the roof to get outside and get some air sometimes, Tony having put some special forcefield on it just for his safety. Bucky can handle it here for a while. He doesn’t blame Steve one bit for the situation he’s in right now. If anything, it’s his fault for not realising how real the danger that came with Steve was. But he wouldn’t change it. Not for anything. He’ll do anything if it means being with Steve.

Steve melts into him, his head lolling down on Bucky’s shoulder.

Bucky strokes his hand along Steve’s back, trying to calm him. “You know I’d give up anything for you, you big mook. I love you.”

Steve jerks and pulls away from his grasp to look at Bucky with wide eyes. “You do?”

Bucky can’t believe the surprise in Steve’s voice. He frowns and chuckles. “Of course I do. You think I’d be here if I didn’t?”

Steve shrugs, like the very idea didn’t occur to him.

Bucky sighs, frustrated with himself. God, he’s been an ass. He had no idea Steve didn’t think that. Bucky thought it was entirely obvious in everything he does. Maybe Steve is just oblivious. “I’m sorry,” he tells Steve, stroking his hand down Steve’s cheek. “I thought that was just a given. I started falling for you the moment you brought me that Christmas tree.”

A slow smile appears on Steve’s face, lighting it up. “Really?”

“Fuck.” Bucky can’t hate himself more right then. “Yes, Stevie.” He looks right into his bright blue eyes. “I love you. I should have said it before, I’m sorry.”

Steve just beams and lowers his head to kiss him. It’s light and perfect, reflecting the innocent happiness on Steve’s face. “I love you too,” he says when he pulls away, smile still fixed on his face.

“Yeah, I know,” Bucky rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling now too. He runs his hand through Steve’s hair. “I’m gonna be fine, you know. I promise.”

Steve’s smile falls, but instead of arguing, he finally nods. “I know,” he replies, voice determined now. “And I’ll be there every step of the way.”

 

****

 

The worst part about making the decision to have surgery is having to tell his sister. Becca is just as scared as Steve, though Bucky doesn’t tell her anything about the odds. He can’t put her through that. She already went through everything with him the first time.

“I don’t want you to be there for the surgery,” he finds himself saying gently once she’s run out of questions to ask him, as they sit on the sofa in Bucky and Steve’s apartment in the tower.

“What?” Becca looks truly distraught, as he knew she would. “But I have to be there for you.”

Bucky shakes his head. He’s going to be firm on this. “It’s a long surgery. You’ll just be sitting there worried. I want you to be out there, getting on with school and seeing your friends. You’ve already spent too much of your time worried about me.”

Becca looks distressed and her eyes a little tear-filled. “Of course I worry, you’re my brother. I’m never _not_ going to worry about you. You’re the best brother anyone could ever have.”

Bucky sighs. “Aw, Becs.” He pulls her into a hug, feeling guilty. He pulls back and looks her in the eye, while she wipes a tear away. “Look, I know you want to be there, and that means the world to me, but just do this for me, okay? Steve’ll be there with me and I’ll be fine. You, Sam and Logan can come visit when I’m in recovery.”

Becca looks ready to argue again, but something in her seems to give in and she deflates a little. “Will you really be able to hold things and feel things?” she asks cautiously.

Bucky shrugs. “That’s what Tony says. I’m sure he’s exaggerating a bit, but however much I can do, it’s gonna be an improvement on this,” he says, casting his eyes over his left shoulder. His prosthesis is basically the cheapest model going as it was all he could afford with his basic insurance. He’d have been much better off if he’d actually been injured while in the army, which is funny since everyone was so happy that he came back from that in one piece.

“What about mom and dad?” she asks suddenly.

Bucky feels uncomfortable. He loves his parents, he does, but he wasn’t planning on telling them until after the fact.

Becca seems to know what his guilty face means. “Seriously? I know they haven’t handled things great, but don’t you think they deserve to know?”

“How about I let you tell them?” Bucky says with a sheepish grin.

Becca just glares at him and Bucky sighs. “Look, what’s the point in worrying them? We’ll tell them after.” Bucky just doesn’t want to get into it with them.

Becca’s glare turns to a look of deep sadness. “They really love you, you know. They asked so many questions about how you were and what you were doing at Christmas.” She pauses for a moment. “Mom cried a little bit.”

Bucky lets out a breath and he rubs his hand over his eyes, feeling guilty. He knows he needs to make more effort with them. “I know. I just…let me deal with them how I want to? Please, Becs?” Maybe after the surgery, maybe if the arm means he’s more like his old self, at least a little, maybe then it’ll be easier to see them, because maybe they’ll stop seeing him as broken. It’s a lot of maybes, but he can try, for Becca.

She gives him a considered look. “Okay,” she finally says. She reaches out and takes hold of his prosthetic hand and Bucky looks down in surprise. No one ever does that. “I really hope this works,” she says softly.

Bucky tries to give her an encouraging smile, though nerves are working their way through him again. He hopes after this, he’ll never have to put her through something like this again. He hopes after this, that he can go back to being the big brother she needs—the one who looks after her, and not the other way around. “Me too,” he tells her. _Me too_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm pretty sure this isn't on mini hiatus anymore, if it ever really was. Also happily I got all the gaps in this filled in and now I feel really good about where this is going. I'm excited to keep sharing this and I hope you guys continue to enjoy it. Leave me comments and let me know? 🙂 Told you the arm thing would come back up.


	14. The Crawl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm away this weekend, so please enjoy this early long-ass chapter x

The night before Bucky’s surgery, Steve feels like a wreck. He’s trying his very best to hold it together for Bucky, but inside he’s absolutely terrified. He’s been in literal life and death situations, but nothing has ever felt like this for him before. He can’t let himself think about the possibility of losing Bucky, he just can’t. Bucky is so much a part of him already, so entwined, Steve doesn’t think he’ll be able to survive without him. He’s never felt so happy and so scared of losing something at the same time. He spends dinner with Bucky, constantly reminding himself that Tony and Bruce are good and the team they have is the best and the facilities couldn’t be better. Bucky will be fine. He will be. He’ll be fine. He has to—

“Stevie?” Bucky’s voice pulls him back. “You okay?”

He blinks and looks down at the plate he’s washing up. He’s scrubbed it so hard it looks like some of the lacquer has come off. He’s surprised he didn’t crack it into pieces. He rinses it off carefully and puts in on the rack, so Bucky won’t see. Bucky’s a few feet away, making coffee for him. “You don’t have to do that,” he protests. Bucky can’t eat or drink anything but water the night before surgery, but insisted Steve have dinner. Steve ate as quickly as he could, feeling terrible as Bucky sat there, unable to have anything.

“It’s fine,” Bucky waves him away. “I make better coffee than you and we both know it.”

Steve moves over to him and slides his arms round Bucky’s waist from behind, nuzzling into his neck, breathing him in. Usually when he does this Bucky will laugh and bat him away, saying it tickles, but today he doesn’t. Instead his hand comes to rest over one of Steve’s.

“I’m really gonna be okay,” he says softly.

Steve nods against his neck. “I know. You really think there’s any way I’ll ever let you leave me,” he states with false confidence.

Bucky shakes his head. “Nope.”

Steve turns Bucky round in his arms to find Bucky looking at him with the softest expression. He looks at him like that often. Steve’s heart glows at it. He doesn’t know how he never recognised that look as what it is—pure love for him. In these moments, Steve feels so lucky he doesn’t know what to do with himself. He leans in and captures Bucky’s mouth in a kiss. He can feel some of the tension in his body seep away and he grasps Bucky tightly, pressing him against the counter, nothing but love flooding him.

Bucky presses against him and moans his name. “Mmm, please, Stevie…” he gasps so quietly.

God, there is nothing on Earth like having this man in his arms. Steve hoists him up and sets him on the counter while Bucky lets out a surprised yip. They both know he likes it when Steve occasionally shows off his strength. Bucky’s legs wrap round him, those muscular thighs confining him, his hand on the side of Steve’s neck, pulling him back for more kisses, his tongue finding its way into Steve’s mouth, coffee-making long forgotten. Steve can’t get enough. He doubts he ever will.

Steve feels Bucky shuddering against him, but after a moment he realises Bucky’s trembling, and not in the good way. He pulls back to look at Bucky’s face to see he looks a little panicked. He instantly brings his hand to cup his cheek, searching his eyes, trying to figure out what’s wrong.

“I’m scared,” Bucky whispers, before Steve can ask. “I’m sorry.” His legs drop from Steve’s waist as he says it. “I’m trying to be strong for you, and for me, but it’s almost here now and I just…” he trails off.

Steve kisses him softly, because he can’t help it, and shakes his head. “It’s okay to be scared. It’s a scary thing.” It’s such an understatement. Steve’s never been more scared in his life. The day of the surgery has come around in the blink of an eye and he can’t really process that tomorrow is the day. Bucky’s had numerous appointments leading up to the surgery and Tony and Bruce promise everything looks good, but Steve can’t let go of the idea that it might not be.

“You’re not scared,” Bucky counters, looking ashamed of himself.

Steve huffs out a slightly hysterical short laugh. “You think I’m not scared? Buck, I’m terrified. I’ve been trying to be strong for you, but yeah…I’ve never been so scared in my life.” He didn’t want to tell him that, but it seems to be what Bucky needs.

Bucky actually looks like he relaxes. He lets out a breath. “Okay,” he says simply. “Is it weird that makes me feel better?”

Steve chuckles, feeling a little relief run through him as well. “I don’t know. We were both trying to be strong for each other, so I guess we can both be scared together.”

That gets him an actual smile. “Okay,” Bucky agrees.

Steve wraps his arms around him and hugs him close. When he pulls back, Bucky is biting his bottom lip in that way that drives Steve crazy.

“Take me to bed,” Bucky tells him, and Steve knows he’s doing the lip thing on purpose now. He can already feel his dick starting to show interest.

He pulls Bucky off the counter with his hands under his ass and manoeuvres them towards the bedroom while Bucky, evil tease that he is, sucks down on Steve’s neck, making Steve completely hard within seconds.

Steve deposits him down gently on the bed, holding himself up over him, looking at the stunning man he loves.

“Fuck me, Stevie,” Bucky breathes out. “I don’t wanna be scared. I need you to fuck the thoughts right out of me.”

Steve shudders a little. “Jesus, Buck.” God yes, he can do that. He wants to make Bucky forget his own name, wants to sink into that tight heat so all he can feel is Bucky and all Bucky feels is him and nothing else.

Everything feels urgent from that point on. Steve pulls off his clothes, flinging them across the room without noticing where they land, and helps Bucky out of his, pausing only for a moment at Bucky’s shirt before Bucky lifts up and pulls that off. Steve leans in and kisses his left shoulder. Bucky lets him do this freely now. He hopes the new arm makes Bucky happy, makes his life easier. He knows how much Bucky hates his arm, but Steve loves every part of him. But if the new arm means Bucky can feel more and do more, then Steve wants that for him. His whole soul just wants Bucky to be happy.

He presses his hips against Bucky’s, moaning when their cocks rub together. Often he takes his time, teasing Bucky, working him up until he’s practically incoherent, but this is not one of those times. He works Bucky open quickly with his fingers and the lube that’s become a permanent fixture on their nightstand. Since Bucky’s been at the tower, they have a lot of sex—which is just one of many things Steve loves about having Bucky here—and it doesn’t take long for Bucky to be moaning that he’s ready.

Steve gets his cock wet with lube and can’t hold back a deep moan when Bucky turns and gets on his knees, supporting himself on his hand. They don’t often do this. It’s obviously harder for Bucky to hold himself up, but god is it hot, seeing Bucky waiting like that.

Steve doesn’t waste any time. He positions himself and presses forward and almost whimpers as the head of his cock gets enveloped by that tight heat. Then his mind whites out as Bucky presses back and takes him inside in one fast stroke.

“Holy fuck,” Steve hisses out while Bucky moans at the feeling.

“Hard, Steve. Fuck me hard. I wanna be thinking about this tomorrow. Wanna feel it,” Bucky almost growls at him.

Steve will always give Bucky what he needs. He pulls almost all the way out, gripping Bucky’s hips, then thrusts forward firmly and Bucky cries out, before Steve starts a fast rhythm. It’s all heat and wet and a vice-like squeeze and Steve might just lose his mind as all he can think over and over is Bucky, Bucky, Bucky…

“Yes,” Bucky keens out beneath him. “Fuck, baby…oh god…”

Steve knows he’s hitting Bucky’s sweet spot every time now as Bucky’s cries get louder and louder. Thank fuck for Steve’s super-fast recovery period, because no way is he going to last long like this. He can’t, Bucky’s too perfect. He feels it coming, his whole body tightening and then his orgasm hits him like a freight train as he fills Bucky up, panting over his back, closing his eyes in utter bliss.

He kisses along Bucky’s back as he comes back to himself, before hauling him up so his back is against Steve’s chest, Bucky basically in his lap. He reaches down to stroke Bucky’s hard and leaking cock, while still embedded in him.

Bucky keens and whimpers at him, squeezing around him.

“It’s okay, baby, I’m not done,” he promises, voice low.

He works Bucky over until he’s shuddering, hand reaching behind him, grasping uselessly in Steve’s hair, Steve pressing harsh kisses to his neck, before Bucky tenses and comes with a cry, spurting over Steve’s hand, clenching around his recovering cock.

“Mmm, that’s it, baby. So beautiful when you come…” he murmurs into Bucky’s neck, still softly stroking him with one hand and holding him close with the other while Bucky slumps, exhausted.

He gives Bucky a very generous two-minute recovery period, where Bucky just breathes heavily and Steve continues to kiss his neck, and then when Steve feels himself get back to full hardness, he wraps both arms around Bucky’s chest and pulls out a little and then thrusts up.

Bucky practically shrieks in surprise, fingers yanking on Steve’s hair, from where he still had his hand reaching back.

“You didn’t think I was done, did you?” Steve murmurs, before starting to fuck Bucky in earnest again, fingers pinching one of his nipples.

“God…” Bucky whimpers and then lets out a small cry. Steve pulls his face round to catch Bucky’s lips in a slightly awkward kiss, what with Bucky having to strain his neck backwards. He moans into Steve’s mouth before Steve releases him.

Steve holds him so tight as he fucks up into him, panting with the effort, feeling the sweat between them sliding down their bodies.

“Christ, Stevie…” Bucky manages to moan while Steve continues relentlessly, time ceasing to matter to him as he slides into Bucky over and over and over again. “I fucking love you,” Bucky chokes out.

“Love you too,” Steve murmurs back, heart filling with joy at those words, as he thrusts even harder, chasing another release. He will never feel worthy enough to hear those words said to him by Bucky, but god does he love hearing Bucky say them. It’s incredible, the effect they have on him.

Bucky whimpers again. “Love your cock too, so fuckin’ big, filling me up…”

Steve loves when Bucky talks like that. It always means he’s close. Steve forces himself to hold off, waiting until Bucky’s fingers start doing that scrambling thing they do when he’s about to come and he starts quaking against him.

“Oh god, I can’t…” Bucky whines out.

It’s always harder for him the second time, and with his cock untouched, but Steve knows he can. “God, you feel so perfect,” he practically grunts, pounding into Bucky now, just thinking about seeing Bucky come again and knowing _he’s_ the one who does that to him making him close to losing it himself again.

Bucky cries out as he comes and Steve lets go, filling Bucky with his come again, Bucky milking it out of him, while Steve lets out a choked groan of pleasure. He pulls Bucky down with him onto their sides, still inside him as they fight to breathe through the waves of their orgasms.

Bucky seems totally out of it as Steve finally pulls out. Bucky just lets out a small noise of protest at that. God, he loves this man so much, he can’t believe how beautiful he looks, lying there all blissed out. Steve brushes his soft silky hair back from his face and kisses his forehead. “Just gonna clean you up,” he promises.

As soon as he’s returned with a wet washcloth and done that, he pulls the covers over them both and snuggles up to Bucky’s back again. Bucky’s all but asleep. Steve’s done his job well.

 

****

 

The morning comes too quickly. The alarm goes, waking them both. It’s an early morning surgery as it’s going to take upwards of ten hours. Steve tries to stay calm as he wakes and realises what day it is. He squeezes his arms, where they’re still wrapped around Bucky and have been all night.

Bucky shuts off the alarm and strokes his fingers across Steve’s hand. “Time to go,” he says softly.

Steve nods as Bucky turns around. He tries to make his face look normal, instead of terrified. He focuses on slowing his heartbeat.

“I’m gonna take a quick shower,” Bucky tells him.

Usually Steve would join him when he has time, but this feels different. He can tell by the way that Bucky says it that he needs time alone, so he kisses his cheek and lets him go.

After a few minutes, he hears the shower start and he pulls himself up to get dressed. He should really shower too, but he can’t bear the idea of washing away the intoxicating smell of Bucky that lingers on his skin. He fumbles around in the dresser, pulling on any old clothes, until he reaches in and finds one of Bucky’s sweaters. If he’s right, it’s the one he wore on their first date, a dark-grey v-neck that’s way too large for Bucky but made him look completely adorable that night. He holds it for a moment and then decides to pull it on. It fits him only slightly tightly around the arms and shoulders. He takes a breath. He feels better, encased by Bucky like this. And he’s going to be fine. Everything will be fine.

Steve sits on the bed and waits for Bucky to finish in the bathroom. He looks over at the snow globe on the nightstand that he brought over from Bucky’s place. He decides he’ll take that to the recovery room later, so Bucky has it with him when he wakes up.

When Bucky returns from the shower, he looks at what Steve’s wearing and gives him a little smile, that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. He gets dressed quickly, just in some black sweatpants and a faded blue t-shirt. Steve watches him, but neither of them say anything, until Bucky turns to him and asks if he’s ready to go.

Steve nods and Bucky picks up his phone and checks it as they get ready to go, Bucky shoving his feet into his sneakers while Steve does the same. Bucky doesn’t bother with his prosthesis or pinning his sleeve closed, Steve guesses because Bucky figures there’s no point.

“Got a bunch of nice messages from the fam,” Bucky says with a small smile, holding his phone out to Steve. “You hold onto that, in case they want updates or whatever?” Bucky says. “Passcode’s my birthday.”

Steve nods and tucks the phone away in his pocket. It feels like it weighs about the same as an elephant, because the subtext of Bucky’s words is that he might have to use that phone to call Bucky’s family with the worst possible news. As if he’d even be able to speak if the worst happens. As if he wouldn’t cease to exist the second he was told.

“Hey,” Bucky interrupts his thoughts. “It’s gonna be fine, remember?”

Steve nods, a little shakily. He has to step up. Bucky needs him strong. They both had their little moment yesterday where they confessed their fears, but that’s not what Bucky needs today, Steve knows. He does what he does when he’s going out on a mission and stands a little taller and tries to shut off the emotional part of him. “Of course it is,” he replies, voice strong. “I’m gonna bring all your favourite foods ready for when you wake up.”

Bucky smiles, an actual real smile. The smile Steve would do anything to see. “Ice cream from the place in Brooklyn?”

“Of course,” Steve promises. “And that lemon cheesecake from that restaurant near Becca’s where we went for your birthday, and those burgers from Sam’s favourite diner?” He’s going to call in some help to get those things because no way is he leaving, but goddammit he is getting them.

Bucky plants a kiss on his cheek. “You’re the best.”

Steve takes his hand and holds it as they leave the apartment and head to the hospital floor of the tower. They don’t speak but Bucky squeezes his hand occasionally. And then they’re there and everything is going too quickly and his head feels like it’s spinning as Bruce and Tony say hi and the medical staff organise things and then suddenly they’re already at the moment where he has to say goodbye and it’s just too soon, it’s too fucking soon.

Tony’s already gone to the operating theatre and just Bruce and a couple of nurses are waiting now as Bucky changes into a gown behind a privacy screen, while Steve stares blankly at the wall. _Why is it so white?_

Bruce pats him on the shoulder. “We’re going to take good care of him,” he promises quietly.

Steve nods fervently, but he can’t make words come out right now.

Then Bucky returns from behind the screen and passes his clothes to Steve and he clings onto them like a lifeline. Bruce and the nurses move away, giving them a tiny bit of privacy.

“So,” Bucky starts, giving Steve what looks like a slightly forced smile. “I’ll see you after then, when I’m all half robot.”

Steve nods, looking into those gorgeous grey-blue eyes of Bucky’s. “Yeah, you will,” he replies, voice firm, feeling like if he says it firmly enough, then it will happen.

“Okay,” Bucky nods once. “Keep these safe,” he requests, pressing the dog tags Steve gave him into his hand.

Steve nods a little shakily and puts them round his neck with Bucky’s.

“I’m going to say I love you, but only because I like saying that to you. I’m in no way saying goodbye. Just…see you later,” Bucky tells him.

“Yep,” Steve says, forcing brightness into his tone. “I’ll see you soon.”

A little nervousness appears on Bucky’s face before he grabs Steve and hugs him as tightly as he can. Steve tries to breathe in everything about him. Bucky pulls away quickly, wiping his eyes hurriedly with his hand. “Okay, so…” he says, blinking rapidly and then looking up at Steve. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Steve replies, before leaning in to kiss him softly, but only quickly. He has to stop touching Bucky or he’ll never let him go.

Bucky moves away and nods at him again, before Bruce and the nurses show him over to a gurney. Steve stands and watches as Bucky lies down and then they wheel him away, Bucky giving him a little wave just as the doors close behind them.

Steve stands there strong for a few moments before he finally breaks. In the empty room he lets himself break down for just another few moments, before he pulls himself together again, clenching Bucky’s clothes tightly in his hands before holding them to his face so he can breathe them in. Then he forces himself out the room. He has to get everything ready for Bucky after surgery. That’s what he has to do.

 

****

 

Bucky’s head feels funny. All groggy, like he’s been drinking too much, or like his head got filled with clouds. He hears himself moan as he tries to make sense of what’s going on. It’s dark—he can’t tell where he is. After a few moments, the fuzziness clears just a little and he realises his eyes are closed. With some effort, he manages to crack them open just a little, only to have blinding white light pour in. He shuts them tight again.

He tries again after a while. He can’t tell how long it’s been, but he can now register murmurs around him. Voices, he thinks. He can’t pick up words, but he thinks it’s people. He forces his eyes to open again, just a slit, light flooding them, but this time he waits to adjust, then finally opens them wider until the room starts to come into focus, except then it gets blocked out as a large shadow gets in his way. He takes a moment and then finally realises it’s Steve, staring at him, leaning over him, blocking out the rest of the room. His lips are moving.

“…okay?” Steve’s voice starts to make sense. “How do you feel?”

Bucky blinks as Steve comes fully into focus now. He’s so pretty. But he looks so worried. Bucky attempts a smile and then a word comes out of him, a little croaky. “Pretty.”

Steve looks so relieved. “You feel pretty?” he chuckles, but it’s not a normal chuckle. It’s got an edge of hysteria about it.

“You,” Bucky says, smiling wider. He wants to pat Steve’s face, but his limbs feel so heavy.

“I’m pretty?” Steve raises his eyebrows, smiling better now.

Limbs. Bucky’s thinking about limbs. It seems important. Then it comes back to him. He was in surgery. He had surgery for his arm. To get a new one. Steve was scared because of thirty percent but Bucky’s awake so Steve doesn’t need to be scared now. No, it’s just Bucky who needs to be scared now.

He feels himself panic a little and he looks down at his left side. It’s covered by a blanket, but he can see a shape there. A shape that isn’t usually there. He can’t feel anything though. “Steve?” he questions, panic in his voice.

Steve’s hand is on his face, guiding Bucky to look at him. “It went well, Buck, the surgery was successful,” he tells him, pure love on his face.

“I can’t…can’t feel…” He feels himself tremble. He looks down at his right hand. He can feel that one. That one’s there, resting on the bed, above the covers. He wiggles his fingers slightly.

“It’s not activated right now,” another voice says, and he looks to see Tony standing on his left side now. “We need to wait until you’re back with us.”

“I’m with you now,” Bucky says, but the words come out slow.

Bruce shakes his head, because Bruce is there too, behind Tony. “You’re just waking up from surgery, it’s going to be a while until you’re back to feeling human again,” he explains.

Bucky nods. He’s starting to feel something else. An ache, that’s rapidly turning into pain. “Hurts,” he manages.

Steve looks worried. Bruce doesn’t. “We’ll up your morphine,” he says, fiddling with something on an IV.

Bucky nods. Steve’s hand runs over his hair softly. “You rest, sweetheart. I’ll be right here.”

Bucky wants to make a comment on that, because Steve’s never called him sweetheart before. It’s cute. It makes him feel precious. But he’s so sleepy now. He feels his eyes close again, hears murmurs around him again, but he’s already drifting.

The next time he wakes, the pain is more intense. He whimpers as he opens his eyes and Steve is right there again, hushing him, telling him it’s okay, as he calls for Bruce and Bruce does something with his drip again.

The third time he wakes, or at least he thinks it’s the third time, he feels clearer. The pain is there, but the morphine must still be working as it’s not so bad. It’s tolerable. He’s been through a lot worse.

“Stevie,” he utters, and Steve’s eyes pop up to look at him. He’s been sitting there, head resting on his hands, which are holding Bucky’s right hand between them, pressing it against his forehead.

“Bucky,” he replies, relief on his face again. He lets go with one hand and pushes Bucky’s hair back a bit. “You okay? Do you need more morphine?” he asks, voice anxious and caring.

Bucky shakes his head. He looks down at the lump under the blanket again and then turns his eyes to Steve again. “Can you get Tony? I want to see.”

Steve nods, looking worried, and presses a button. Tony and Bruce are back in less than a minute.

Bruce smiles at him. “Looking a bit clearer headed?” He fiddles around, maybe checking Bucky’s vitals or something.

Bucky nods. “Tony, can I see it?” he asks. He can’t wait anymore. He needs to know he didn’t go through this for nothing. He needs to see it with his own eyes.

Tony seems excited. “Sure,” he starts, moving closer, but Bruce stops him.

“Bucky, we just need to warn you…” Bruce says, voice kind, “it might be weird, to see a whole new arm there, and a metal one at that. I just want you to take a moment and try and prepare yourself. It could be a shock.”

Bucky takes a moment. He grips Steve’s hand a little and Steve is instantly there, leaning in closer to him, hand stroking his hair back again. Bucky can do this. He wants to see it. It can’t be worse than the shock of looking down and seeing _no_ arm there for the first time. He nods at Bruce and Tony. “Okay. It’s okay,” he tells them, trying to sound confident.

Bruce nods and Tony looks excited again, before he pulls down the blanket carefully, revealing a mass of bandages at Bucky’s shoulder, that go halfway down his arm, because he has an arm now. It’s a dark grey, almost black metal, with bits of gold in between the interlocking plates of the arm, and has a hand and actual fingers, like Tony said it would, but Bucky didn’t really believe him.

“I want to feel it,” Bucky says, words coming out choked as he stares at the arm. _His_ arm.

Bruce nods at him. “We can activate just the hand portion. I can’t risk you moving the rest of it yet, you could wrench your arm,” Bruce explains.

Bucky nods. He understands that.

“But the hand, that should be okay,” Tony chips in. He waits for another nod from Bruce and then from Bucky himself. “You should feel it, even if you can’t feel the rest of the arm,” he tells him. “Might be a little weird.”

“Okay.” Bucky swallows. He’s ready for this. He’s sure that it won’t be much, if there is any feeling, but he wants to see, to see if there’s anything there.

Tony keys something in on his tablet and it’s like a bomb going off inside him. He can feel it there. His hand. His brain knows it’s there, knows it’s his. He chokes back a gasp. Tears form in his eyes. He can’t. He can’t do this, not with Steve there, not with people watching him.

“Turn it off please,” he chokes out. “Please! Off!” The feeling goes away as Tony does something. He gasps a little as he tries to catch his breath.

“It’s okay, Buck, it’s okay,” Steve says, trying to be soothing, stroking his hair.

Bucky would appreciate it, except he can’t right then. He struggles to breathe normally. “I…I need a minute with Tony.”

“I…you want me to go?” Steve asks, sounding slightly distraught.

Bucky nods, not looking at him. “Please. Just Tony for a minute,” he says tightly.

Steve lets go of his hand and hesitates for a moment but does as he asks. “I’ll be right outside,” he promises, and then Bruce follows him to the door.

Bucky waits until they are gone and inhales deeply. “Okay, go again,” he tells Tony.

Tony looks puzzled. “Okay, if you’re sure?”

Bucky nods. Tony presses something again and the sensation comes back, just as thunderous as the first time. He chokes out a sob. “I…I can feel it,” he tells Tony.

Tony doesn’t make fun of the tears that are threatening to fall down his face. He just nods and moves closer. “I’m going to touch your hand, okay?” he asks.

Bucky nods. When Tony rests his hand on top of the metal one, Bucky feels a wave of fresh tears trying to make their escape. He can feel the touch. It’s light. It’s not the same as his right hand, but he knows Tony’s hand is there without looking. In fact, he asks Tony to test that, looking away and getting Tony to touch and telling him when he feels it. He’s right every time.

Tony does something else on his tablet, pulling up a wheelie stool to sit on right next to the bed as he does so. “Okay. You should be able to wiggle your fingers.”

Bucky can’t believe him. It seems impossible.

Tony seems to sense his hesitation. “It’s okay, give it a try.”

Bucky takes a deep breath and looks down at the hand. His hand. He wills his fingers to move. And they do. They do their own little wave, rising and falling against the mattress. Bucky almost bursts in a flood of tears. It’s too much. It’s overwhelming.

“You want me to turn it off?” Tony asks, sounding concerned, but also like someone not well equipped for dealing with crying people.

Bucky shakes his head as he keeps blinking back tears as he looks at his hand, stilling his fingers. “Can I…I need a minute,” he requests.

Tony nods, looking happy to get out of there this time. “Press this when you want us back,” he says, moving Bucky’s call button right next to his right hand.

When he’s gone and Bucky is left there alone, he lets himself cry.

 

****

 

It takes him a little while to stop once he lets go. But eventually he gets there. Tony had said it would be advanced, but somehow Bucky had never believed him, not that it could be like this. He can feel his hand. He can move his fingers. When he’s allowed to have feeling all the way through his arm, he imagines it’ll be able to do almost everything a real arm would do, and that’s insane and incredible and mind-blowing to him.

He presses the call button. He needs to thank them, to explain to Bruce and Tony how incredible it is.

Tony pokes his head round the door a minute later. “How’s it hanging? Want just me or all three?”

“All is fine,” Bucky confirms, aware his eyes are probably red and bloodshot, but at least the tears have stopped.

Tony walks in with Bruce behind him and then Steve, looking very concerned. Bucky smiles softly at him. Tony goes back to playing on the tablet and checking things on the arm, while Bruce checks his monitors again.

“Stevie?” Bucky asks, as Steve hovers, apparently unsure what to do. “Could you call Becca please? Let her know I’m alright and see when she can visit?” he requests.

Steve nods. “I already texted everyone as soon as surgery finished, but I’ll let them know you’re awake now.”

Bucky smiles at him, heart swelling with warmth for his boyfriend. “Thanks.”

“I’ll be right back,” Steve tells him and Bucky nods as Steve leaves them again.

“Still feeling okay?” Bruce asks, writing something on a chart.

Bucky nods. “Yeah. I just…you guys…you don’t know how…how _much_ this is, it’s incredible.”

“Well of course it is, I designed it,” Tony replies, bending Bucky’s metal little finger a little and then doing the same to the others.

“Helped design it,” Bruce reminds him.

“Helped design it,” Tony continues flawlessly.

“Seriously,” Bucky replies. “You’re gonna roll this out, right? Help other amputees? You’re changing people’s lives here.” He can’t even begin to imagine how many people they could help.

Tony actually looks a little uncomfortable at the praise for once. Bruce just nods. “We hope so. If we can perfect the technique, it’s something I could teach other doctors eventually, and Stark Industries could eventually start production on the limbs.”

“Honestly, right now, it’s a work in progress. You were our guinea pig,” Tony tells him.

Bucky lets out an amused huff of air. “Thanks.” He likes how honest Tony is about things at least. Bucky takes a few seconds while Bruce checks his bandages. “Seriously though,” he starts, willing himself not to tear up. “Thank you. Thank you both,” he says sincerely, looking at both of them in turn.

Bruce scratches his face and coughs awkwardly. “Um, everything looks good so far.”

Tony nods and then taps the tablet and the feeling in Bucky’s hand goes away. “Gonna leave it off for now, but I’ll be back later. I’ll look over the data and see if I need to make any adjustments at this stage.”

Bucky thinks it’s funny that neither of them seem to be able to accept actual thanks, especially considering Tony’s usual ego.

Steve comes back into the room just as Tony and Bruce take their leave. “Back later, Buckaroo,” Tony calls as they go, and Bucky waves them both off with a little smile.

Steve watches them go. “Becca’s going to be over in a couple of hours. She has a class and she was going to skip it, but I told her you wouldn’t be happy if she did that, so she’s going to come after.”

Bucky’s pleased. That was the exact right thing to tell Becca. “Thanks, Stevie.” He frowns a little as Steve stands there awkwardly. “Hey, come over here,” he says, lifting his right hand and gesturing.

Steve’s face relaxes and he moves closer until Bucky pats the bed next to him and Steve sits carefully next to his right side.

“I’m okay,” he promises Steve. “It was just a bit overwhelming, I just needed a minute to myself,” he explains.

Steve nods. “Okay.” He looks down at his lap. “I just…I want to be here for you though,” he adds, voice small.

Bucky squeezes his knee. “Stevie,” he says firmly, with a little frown, and Steve looks over at him. “You are. I might not always need you with me, but you’re always _with_ me, you know?”

Steve looks confused. “Should we lower your morphine?” he asks.

Bucky smacks him in the leg and scowls at him. “I just mean even if I need a little space, just to process, you’re still right here with me, okay? I carry you around with me wherever I go.”

Steve smiles softly and it’s like a warm sunbeam caressing Bucky’s face. “I don’t know, Buck, I’m pretty heavy.”

Bucky lets out a very exasperated sigh. “I’m trying to be romantic here, Rogers.” He rolls his eyes at Steve extremely hard.

Steve grins and leans down to kiss his forehead. When he pulls back though, his face has turned more serious. “I’m so glad you’re okay,” he says softly.

There’s so much emotion in just those few words. Bucky suddenly remembers that while he was in sleepy-land, being cut open, Steve was the one waiting, probably scared out of his mind. “Hey, come here.” Bucky pulls on Steve’s arm a little, on his sweater that Steve’s still wearing, until Steve manages to just about tuck in next to him, lying down on the bed, Bucky turning his face to him, seeing as he can’t really move his body. “Bring me those lips,” Bucky orders, seeing as he can’t lean in much.

Steve does, leaning in so they can kiss softly and Steve makes a little pained noise. Bucky chooses not to comment on it. Steve let him have his breakdown, he can let Steve have a little one too. When Steve moves back, he tucks his head into the space between Bucky’s neck and shoulder and shudders a little.

Bucky takes Steve’s hand in his and lets Steve cry a little. “It’s okay, Stevie,” he says softly. “We’re both okay and I love you.”

He feels Steve nod against his shoulder.

They stay that way for a while, Bucky holding his hand while Steve stays tucked into his side, like he needs the reassurance that Bucky is there. Bucky just breathes slowly, trying to relax. He glances at the cabinet next to his bed and notices his snow globe on top of it and smiles to himself. Steve is adorable.

“Thank you,” he whispers.

Steve hums a little curious sound, sounding sleepy now.

“For supporting me with this,” Bucky clarifies.

Steve just nuzzles his face into Bucky’s neck a little more and Bucky realises how tired he must be. He doubts he’s slept since Bucky went to surgery and Bucky has no idea how long ago that was now. Plus he’s probably been filled with nervous energy all day and is probably crashing a bit now.

“You sleep, baby,” Bucky says softly. “We’re okay.”

Steve does fall asleep quickly. Bucky listens to his breathing even out as he succumbs to it. He stares down at his arm for a long time, before eventually, he also falls asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your comments make me so happy, thank you for taking time to leave me something. If you're reading but haven't left a comment, don't be scared, I'm friendly 😁 Repeat commenters, as always, you make my world go round 💜


	15. Bionic

Recovery sucks. There’s no other word for it. For the first two weeks, they force him to stay in the hospital bed. The first week, he can’t even get up to go to the bathroom. It’s pretty humiliating. He’s got great nurses looking after him though, plus his own supersoldier who refuses to leave his side unless Bucky kicks him out.

In the second week, he’s just about allowed to go to the bathroom, but it’s a whole complicated thing, with his arm being all strapped up first so he can’t accidently move it and then Steve walks him the four feet to the bathroom as though he might fall and die, as if he had surgery on his leg not his arm. Bucky really hates being babied, but he tries his very best to not take it out on Steve. He knows he’s just doing it because he worries. Steve did make good on his promise to bring Bucky all his favourite foods as well, so maybe he doesn’t entirely hate being babied—it has some up sides. Steve also uses Bucky’s surgery as a great excuse to get to brush Bucky’s hair for him. Bucky knows Steve has a tiny obsession with his hair, so he decides not to point out that he brushed it just fine with one hand before and just lets him do it. If it makes Steve happy, then Bucky’s happy. Plus it turns out that having his hair brushed is awesome and Steve’ll do it for ages if he doesn’t stop him.

So at least he doesn’t look too awful when his friends come over. Becca had cried a little when she first saw him straight after his surgery, when he did look like hell, according to her, but when she comes over with Sam and Logan a couple of weeks later, apparently he’s looking better. Sam doesn’t cry, but he looks extremely concerned. Logan is the best, because he just sits and plays one-handed cards with Bucky, just like they used to, as if it’s all normal, as though Bucky doesn’t have a metal arm lying on top of the covers.

Bucky still hasn’t felt the whole thing. Tony sometimes stops by and switches on the feeling in his hand so he can make minor adjustments, but he always turns it off when he’s done so Bucky doesn’t strain himself somehow. By the time they let him relocate to Steve’s apartment, his arm strapped across him so he can’t wrench his shoulder in any way, Bucky’s really wondering if this was all worth it, because it feels like he’s never going to feel the whole thing.

The days seem to drag on and on. Steve stays with him as much as he can, but eventually he has to start work on finding Hydra again. He tells Bucky he thinks they’re close though. Bucky doesn’t really think about that—he’s too concerned with getting to the point where he can finally use his new arm.

After the third week drags into the fourth, he feels like he’s starting to go out of his mind, not just because of his arm, but because being cooped up in the tower is starting to take a toll on him. All he sees are the same few rooms over and over and the same people over and over. Even Steve, who he adores and loves and would usually want to be with all the time, can be a little much lately. Maybe because he’s still treating Bucky with kid gloves. Bucky spent the first week out of his hospital bed convincing Steve that he was okay enough to fuck, for god’s sake.

By the end of the fifth week, Bucky’s starting to just want to say fuck Hydra and fuck his stupid metal arm and just hightail it out of there. Everything feels like it’s too much. If his arm ever works, he feels like he’ll have lots of avenues open to him with the kinds of jobs he could do, but it suddenly feels like too much choice. It’s overwhelming, and a lot of the time, Bucky finds himself getting lost in distractions instead of thinking about the future. But even his distractions are starting to bore him. He feels like he’s watched the entire Netflix catalogue at this point and like his ass has left a permanent imprint in the sofa.

He’s feeling particularly agitated and bored that night. He can’t focus enough to read so he’s flipping channels mindlessly. His arm still hurts sometimes, even with the painkillers Bruce gave him to take when needed. At least Bruce seems happy with how he’s healing. Bucky tries to remember he is making progress, as slow as it seems, but it’s hard to try and stay positive. Especially when he’s alone.

By the time Steve walks in, around nine in the evening, Bucky’s just about at the point of tearing his hair out.

“Hey, Buck, how are ya feeling?” he asks. He’s oddly cheery today. Somehow it annoys Bucky even more.

He just sort of grunts at Steve, angrily pressing the remote buttons.

Steve comes over and presses a kiss to Bucky’s hair from behind him, leaning down. “Did you have dinner?”

“Of course I had dinner. I’m not an invalid, I can make myself dinner,” Bucky snaps, frustration taking him over, so he takes it out on Steve. So maybe his dinner was an instant noodle thing where he just poured in boiling water, but that still counts.

Steve’s silent for a moment. “I know you can, I didn’t mean…”

Bucky sighs at his troubled tone, feeling bad for snapping, and looks over at him as he walks round the side of the sofa. “I know. I’m sorry. I’m just…god, this is so frustrating!” he bursts out. “I just want to get this thing off and see my arm!” He’s been grumbling about it for a while to Steve, but he hasn’t quite had an outburst like this until now.

Steve sits down next to him, a little tentatively. “I know you do. I know this whole thing must be horrible, but as soon as you’re healed up enough, you’ll be able to.” He slides his arm round Bucky’s waist as he talks.

Bucky sighs again and leans back against his arm, grateful for Steve’s touch. “I know that. I do. It’s just…it’s like being given a present and then being told you can’t open it for weeks while it just sits there, staring at you.”

Steve looks sympathetic and nods.

Bucky exhales and tries to let all the annoyance drain out of him as he angles himself so he can settle back against Steve’s side. “It’s better when you’re here. You’re very distracting,” he tells him, before twisting his head to plant a kiss on Steve’s neck.

Steve stiffens a little. “Ah,” he starts, and Bucky pulls back, frowning.

“Are you seriously rejecting my advances right now, Rogers?” Bucky glares at him. “I thought we got past your stupid no sex after surgery bullshit rule.”

Steve chuckles at the look on his face, making Bucky narrow his eyes further. “No, sweetheart,” Steve promises. “This just isn’t the best time to tell you this then, but I’ve been called to D.C. for work. Natasha and I have to go tomorrow. It’s really important, otherwise I wouldn’t go.” Steve looks at him with huge apologetic eyes.

Bucky slumps. “God, sometimes I really hate your job,” he mumbles a little bitterly.

Steve gives him a tiny smile. “Sometimes I do too,” he admits with a shrug. “I’ll be as quick as I can, I promise,” he offers, clearly trying to placate him. “Maybe you could have Becca over to stay or something while I’m gone?” he suggests.

Bucky rolls his eyes. “I don’t need a babysitter.” He’s doing just fine on his own, he doesn’t need people checking up on him all day long.

“It’s not a babysitter, it’s company,” Steve corrects. “Becca is great, she won’t let you get stressed.”

Bucky moves away slightly and glares at him a little. “I’m not stressed,” he says in a low warning tone.

Steve doesn’t seem bothered by his tone. He just raises an eyebrow at him. “Oh really? Cause I was going to offer to help you with that…” he says, glancing down at Bucky’s crotch and back up in an extremely suggestive way.

Bucky lasts all of about a second before he gives in. “Stevie. I’m so stressed, I might die,” he says, staring at him with wide eyes.

Steve breaks into a wide grin. “Let’s see what I can do about that…”

 

****

 

A few days later, and Bucky really is so stressed he feels like his head could explode. He hangs up his phone in frustration. Stupid Steve’s not answering his stupid phone. It’s been three days since he left for D.C. Bucky hasn’t heard from him in two, which while not unusual when Steve’s on a mission, it still somehow worries Bucky a little more than it should. He tries to stay calm and not panic about it.

His nurses come to check on him and he tries his best to look after himself, doing his own little careful baths because he’s not allowed to get his arm wet yet, and Sam comes to visit and brings Chinese food, so it’s not too bad being without Steve. Except Bucky’s got so used to his presence lately, that he misses him more intensely when he’s gone now, even if he _has_ felt a little stifled by him occasionally lately.

He’s just considering going to find Tony to see if he’s heard from Steve, when the man himself appears, saving him a trip.

“Hey there, Buckaroo,” Tony says as he walks in like he owns the place. Which actually he does, but Bucky thinks knocking would still be nice. He’s about to question him about where Steve is, until he notices.

This isn’t normal Tony. Normal Tony would have said those words loudly, with a grin on his face. He would have strode in, instead of walking in slowly. He wouldn’t be looking at Bucky with a look on his face like someone died.

Bucky’s heart drops to the floor. He opens his mouth to speak but nothing comes out at first.

“He’s okay,” Tony says as Bucky tries to make sound. “But he’s hurt,” he adds.

It’s the only time Bucky’s seen him truly serious. “How badly?” Bucky finally manages as he imagines every scenario going. _Oh god, what if he’s really badly hurt?_ He tries hard to hold it together while Tony speaks.

“Nat says pretty bad, but that he’s going to be fine. So no panicking okay?” Tony tries to reassure him.

“Where is he? I need to see him,” Bucky says, already moving towards the door where his shoes are waiting.

“He’s in a hospital in D.C.,” Tony says, watching as Bucky shoves on his shoes.

Bucky pauses for a second. “Okay. Can you fly me there please?” he requests, lifting a jacket from the coat hook, but he’s not sure how to put it on what with his arm still in a complicated sling, so he just holds it. He hasn’t needed to wear a jacket in weeks.

“Cap doesn’t want you leaving the tower,” Tony reminds him.

Bucky turns to him. “Are you fucking kidding me right now.” He glares at Tony as if daring him to try and keep him there. “I swear to god, if you don’t take me there, _right now_ , I will steal one of your suits and fly there myself.”

Tony clearly senses it’s not a battle worth fighting. He holds up his hands. “Alright, alright. Let’s go.”

Bucky nods firmly and starts following him out the apartment and they get in the elevator, heading to the roof, Tony giving Jarvis instructions as they go.

“You know, that wouldn’t actually work, right?” Tony tells him after a few moments. “My suits only work for me.”

Bucky just turns his head to stare at him, unamused.

 

****

 

Steve wakes up to the most beautiful sight and figures he’s probably still dreaming. Except then he realises that a lot of his body hurts, and that would be a pretty crappy dream. And then he realises Bucky is really there, eyes shut, looking like he’s dozing a little. He’s got a jacket draped over him like a blanket and he’s definitely going to have a crick in his neck what with how his head is bent over to rest on the side of the chair.

“Sweetheart,” Steve says quietly, wanting to wake him slowly instead of jolting him out of it. “Bucky baby,” he says softly in a singsong voice, but his voice is a little gravelly.

Bucky starts stirring. “Five more minutes,” he mumbles, shifting in the chair.

Steve thinks it’s adorable and gazes at his boyfriend in complete adoration. “Okay, baby. Just five more.”

Bucky suddenly jolts awake, eyes going wide, before they find Steve, and then he’s up on his feet a second later, leaning over the bed. “Stevie, you’re awake,” he murmurs, and Steve leans into the hand softly stroking through his hair. It feels really nice. “Should I get a doctor?” he asks, worriedly.

“Not yet,” Steve shakes his head. “Are we in the tower?” he asks, looking at the generic hospital room.

“We’re in a hospital in D.C.,” Bucky tells him.

“What?” Steve frowns. “How did you…you aren’t supposed to be here, it isn’t safe!” He starts moving, trying to get up. He needs to get Nat or Maria or somebody to get Bucky out of here. He knows they took down the helicarriers but taking all the Hydra agents into custody will take some time. It’s still not safe yet for Bucky. Shit, his ribs really hurt when he tries to move. How’s he supposed to protect Bucky in this state. He can’t even believe how this whole thing has turned out. Finding out SHIELD had been infiltrated by the very people he thought he’d stopped over seventy years ago, the same people who had threatened his boyfriend…it had been a lot to take in.

Bucky puts his hand on Steve’s chest, making him stop his moving for a second. “Look, Rogers,” he says, fixing Steve with his serious glare face, that generally Steve finds stupidly sexy more than anything, but it does make him listen. “You got two options here. One, you whine and complain about me being here and I stay anyway but I’m pissed off with you the whole time,” he says, raising his eyebrows, as though challenging Steve to pick that option. “Or two, you shut up, I stay and take care of you, and you let me, just like a normal couple.” He stares down at Steve. “So which is it?”

God, he has such pretty eyes. Steve tries to focus. He really wants the third option of Bucky going home without making a fuss, but it’s very clear that if he suggests that, Bucky will be genuinely annoyed with him. He’s already felt a little like he’s been walking on eggshells with Bucky lately—he doesn’t need to piss him off even further. “Option two, I guess,” he says with a little sigh.

“Smart choice,” Bucky replies. Then he moves his hand to rest ever so gently on Steve’s cheek, Steve loving the warmth against his skin. “Now what the actual fuck happened to your face?”

 

****

 

Bucky can’t actually believe what the actual fuck happened to Steve’s face. “So you did it?” Bucky breathes when Steve finishes telling him what’s been going on. “You stopped Hydra?”

Steve shakes his head. “No…well…yes, I guess so, but it’ll take a while before everyone’s taken in to custody.”

Bucky waves that away. “Yeah but you did it.” He looks at Steve with a soft smile. “I’m so proud of you. I mean, I wish you’d done it without getting your face bashed in, but it’s still amazing.” He never doubted Steve, not for a second, but the whole thing has taken so long, it’s been draining on him. He can’t imagine how draining it must have been on Steve too. God, he should have been there for him more, but his arm had stolen all his focus and he hadn’t thought how Steve must be coping with everything. He resolves right then to do better. Steve deserves so much. He deserves everything.

“Got shot too,” Steve says, clearly mindlessly, before his eyes widen in realisation of what he just said.

“Shot?” Bucky repeats loudly. “Are you kidding me?” How can Steve say that so blasé, like it just doesn’t matter? How did it become Bucky’s life to have a boyfriend who gets shot at on a regular basis? He wants to wrap Steve up in bubble wrap and never let him outside again. Which is actually pretty much what he’s been doing to Bucky for the past couple of months, so really, it’s his turn anyway.

“It’s close to already healed, promise,” Steve says quickly with big eyes, obviously trying to placate him.

Bucky hesitates. He wants to go off on Steve, but at the same time he has to remind himself that he signed up for this. He promised he could deal with this, so he’s going to. He takes a breath. “So I guess this means I can go home?” he says instead. That feels kind of bittersweet. As amazing as the tower is, he can’t say he likes living there, but what he has liked is living with Steve even if his frustration with his arm sometimes coloured the experience a little.

“Give us a couple of weeks and, um…yeah, I guess so,” Steve replies. He sounds inordinately sad.

“That’ll be good. No more gods bursting in, seeing me naked,” Bucky jokes, trying to lighten the mood, because it suddenly feels very somber in here.

“Though actually, it’ll probably be better if you wait until your arm is healed,” Steve sputters out, suddenly sounding a little cheerier.

“Oh. Right,” Bucky says, looking down at his left shoulder. He supposes it would be easier to stay until Tony gives him the all clear. If that ever happens sometime this century.

Tony walks in right at that moment, before they can discuss it. “Right. I’ve finally got these so-called _doctors_ to allow me to fly you home,” he announces. He peers at Steve’s face. “You already look a little less like pulverised meat.”

“Thanks.” Steve rolls his eyes at Tony.

“We’ve got to wait for some paperwork, so in the meantime I figured I’d take a look at your arm,” Tony continues.

It takes Bucky a moment to realise he means him and not Steve. “Oh,” he says, surprised. “Here?”

“Why not?” Tony counters. “I’ve got everything I need right here,” he says, pulling out his phone, or what looks like a phone but is probably some special kind of tech that Tony made himself.

“It can wait,” Bucky tells him. “Steve needs me to look after him.” He’s going to look after Steve so hard, Steve will want to get him a nurse’s uniform, he’s decided.

Tony looks amused. “That is _adorable_ , but he’s literally lying in bed not moving. I think he’s good.” He looks at Steve. “You’re good, right?”

Steve nods. “Let Tony take care of you. I’m fine here,” he says, giving Bucky an encouraging smile.

Bucky sighs. “Yeah, alright.” He knows when he’s outnumbered. “Do we need to get a gurney?” Usually he lies down and they carefully unstrap his arm and Tony or Bruce or someone on their medical staff checks his bandages and then Tony pokes his hand a bit, while Bucky stays still.

“I think we can do this standing,” Tony says, already approaching him.

Bucky frowns a little. “Alright.” He guesses Tony won’t be checking the bandages today then, except Tony reaches for the complicated sling he has to start undoing it. “Wait, I need to lie down if you’re undoing this,” Bucky reminds him, with a little panic. He suddenly has visions of his shiny metal arm ripping out his socket.

“Nope, I don’t think you do,” Tony tells him. “You’re what…six weeks post-op? I think we might be at the point we’ve been waiting for.”

Bucky blinks at him. “I…I’m gonna feel it?” Bucky asks, voice quiet. He can’t believe it. It’s taken so long, he thought it would never happen.

“One step at a time. First we see how it feels when I get this off.”

Tony keeps carefully unwrapping his arm, while Bucky holds his breath. When it’s all off, he doesn’t dare move. Then Tony starts on the bandages and Bucky feels a little shaky. But it’s okay. Steve’s there. Steve is with him. He glances over to see Steve just quietly observing, just a little worry on his face. Bucky tries to smile a little at him but doesn’t really manage it.

“Alright. Here we go,” Tony says.

Bucky first realises just how dumb his shirt looks, because they’ve been cutting the arm and neck out wider so Bucky could get them on without removing the sling. Then he realises he’s looking at the wrong thing. He’s seen parts of the arm before, but never completely unbandaged like this. The arm is attached seamlessly onto the metal socket that fuses with his shoulder. Where it joins flesh, it’s scarred, but it’s not as bad as Bucky had thought it might be. He sucks in a breath as he takes it all in.

Tony reaches out and unfolds his arm and Bucky realises he was still holding it bent against him, like it was in the sling. When it hangs straight down, just like his real arm, it doesn’t feel heavy like he thought it would. It feels so bizarre to look and see that there though.

He looks at Tony in surprise. “It doesn’t hurt much.” It doesn’t. His shoulder aches a little, but he figures that’s a given.

“Much?” Steve cuts in, worry in his voice.

“Down boy,” Tony says, rolling his eyes at Steve. “He had major surgery, if it didn’t hurt a little still, it would be weird.” Tony looks back at Bucky. “Is it alright if I…?” Tony asks, gesturing to his shoulder.

Bucky’s touched that he thought to ask so he nods. Tony’s careful, running his hand over the metal and checking where it fuses with him. The skin around it feels pretty deadened, but he can feel Tony’s touch.

“You okay, Buck?” Steve checks, and Bucky meets his eyes and nods while he lets Tony do what he has to do.

“Alright,” Tony says as he moves away and starts tapping his phone screen. “You ready for this?”

Bucky thinks he might hyperventilate, but he nods. “Yep. I’m ready.” He can’t believe it’s finally time. He feels like he’s been waiting years. It’s finally going to happen.

“I’m putting it on really low. Just enough so you can move it slowly. Try not to freak out,” Tony warns.

Bucky nods and takes a breath and tries to focus on his breathing. It’s a calming trick that Bruce taught him during one of their checkups when Bucky may have freaked out a little.

“Okay.” Tony presses something on his screen.

Bucky lets out a choked gasp just like he knows he did the first time Tony turned on his hand. But this time it’s the whole thing. And he can feel it all. And this time he’s so much more excited than he is terrified. He very carefully wiggles his fingers. Then he tells his arm to move, just lifting it at the elbow a fraction, and it works.

“Holy shit,” Bucky exclaims, eyes wide, feeling teary, but it’s tears of joy. He looks at Tony, who’s looking super pleased with himself. Then he looks over at Steve, who’s smiling, but with glassy eyes, just like Bucky.

Bucky moves over there without thinking. “I can feel it, Stevie,” he tells him, and then a couple of tears do escape, and he brushes them back with his right hand, before he slowly reaches out and carefully touches his left hand to Steve’s. “I can feel your hand there,” he says, trying to hold in tears.

Steve moves his hand so he can stroke his fingers along Bucky’s metal wrist. It’s very light, but Bucky knows there’s something there. It’s not the same, but it’s incredible.

“Good job, Buckaroo,” Tony tells him, but Bucky’s too busy staring at Steve’s hand as he continues to feel along the metal plates to look over at him. “We’ll do some exercises with it when we get home and then I’ll kick this up a notch,” he continues.

That does make Bucky look over. “I’ll be able to feel more?” It doesn’t seem possible.

“I said you would, didn’t I?” Tony says, before shaking his head and muttering. “Some people, got no faith in my skills.”

“Tony?” Bucky says, making him stop mumbling. “You know, you kinda drive me a little nuts,” he muses, having spent a fair amount of time with him over the last few weeks, “but you’re incredible. I can never thank you enough,” he tells him sincerely.

“Yeah, I know, I’m brilliant,” Tony waves him off. “I’m going to find Romanov so we can get out of here. Don’t strain your arm in the meantime.”

“Wait…you’re going to leave it on?” Bucky asks, surprised.

“I think it’s pretty much live from this point on, Buckaroo. If that’s alright with you,” Tony says, with a quirk of his eyebrow.

Bucky looks down at his metal arm. “Yeah. I think that’s more than alright with me,” he says slowly. He really can’t believe it. He didn’t expect this today. He didn’t really expect that it would be as incredible as Tony said it would be.

Bucky looks up and smiles as Tony nods and makes a hasty exit, then he looks back at Steve, who’s looking at him in wonder. “This is all because of you,” he tells Steve. He’s always been grateful that he fell into Steve’s life, because Steve is truly the best thing that’s ever happened to him, and not only is it because of him that Bucky has a man who loves him and who he loves more than anything, but now a whole new start. It’s overwhelming.

Steve shakes his head. “I didn’t do anything.”

Bucky frowns at him. “You know you did.” He cuts himself off. Sometimes he knows there’s no point arguing with Steve. He’s stubborn as hell. “I love you,” he says instead.

Steve’s mouth turns upwards into a beautiful smile, even with the injuries on his face. And then he splits his lip again and grimaces. “Ouch.”

 

****

 

The next week back at the tower is the hardest week he’s had there since the surgery. Not because of his arm, though going to do exercises and physical therapy with the medical team can be tiring and a little painful, but that’s not what makes it hard. What’s hard is attempting to look after Steve. The idiot keeps getting up, trying to act like he’s all better when he isn’t. Bucky knows he heals fast, but not _that_ fast from the injuries he has.

He glares at Steve, having caught him trying to walk to the bathroom by himself. “How many fucking times do I have to tell you, you need something you yell or you text me and I’ll come and help,” he almost growls at Steve as he shoves his right shoulder under Steve’s arm to help support him.

“I can get to the bathroom by myself,” Steve argues back. He sounds grouchy. He really doesn’t like being cooped up, Bucky can tell. He thinks it’s pretty bullshit and hypocritical considering the months Bucky has spent being cooped up for him.

“Right,” Bucky says sarcastically. “Just like you let me get to the bathroom on my own after _my_ surgery.” He helps Steve walk the few steps over to the bathroom.

“That was different. You had extensive surgery,” Steve argues.

“You had literal bullets taken out of you, so don’t give me that,” Bucky huffs back at him. He waits until Steve has a grip on the bathroom counter and then leaves to wait outside. They have to keep _some_ things private in their relationship.

When Steve finishes, he grumbles the whole way as Bucky walks him back over to the bed, tucking blankets around him. He stops grumbling when Bucky shows him what he learnt in PT and how he can now grip the blanket with his left hand, his fine motor skills hugely improved in only a week. Steve smiles so big, Bucky thinks no one has ever looked that proud. Steve is so proud, in fact, that it distracts him enough into being a good patient for the next two hours, while Bucky shows off everything he can do now, including how easily he can undo Steve’s pants.

A week later, and Steve’s done being a patient. When Bucky catches him out of bed _again_ , he lifts his shirt and shows him how all his wounds have healed up and he refuses to be bedbound any longer. Bucky sighs and allows it.

Seeing as Steve says he’s better, Bucky invites Sam, Becca and Logan to the tower. While they’ve stayed in contact, he hasn’t seen all of them together for a few weeks. Becca cries again when she sees what Bucky can do with his arm when he passes her a glass of juice with it. The first time he tried that, he shattered the glass, so Bucky feels pretty pleased for himself too. He thinks Sam might wipe away a couple of tears too. Logan gives him a hug, in an extremely unusual move for him, and tells him how happy he is for him, and then claps Steve on the shoulder in a silent thank you.

They’re also thrilled when Bucky tells them that the threat against him is gone now. Steve doesn’t like the word ‘gone’ and argues it, but relents and agrees that the imminent danger is over and it wouldn’t be fair to keep Bucky from his life any longer. Bucky can’t help but notice how Steve’s shoulders droop a little as he says that though.

A week and a half after that, Tony signs Bucky off as being ready. They adjust the sensitivity on his arm to a level that Bucky’s comfortable with and he and Bruce seem really happy with the progress Bucky has made. For Bucky it all feels almost normal already. He’s started doing things with his arm without thinking. It moves just like his human arm does.

He stares at himself in the mirror in the bathroom when he gets back to their apartment and he can’t believe it’s time. He can go home now. He can figure out what he wants to do next. There are so many possibilities open to him now. He never thought he’d have this again. It’s pretty overwhelming but at the same time, Bucky’s hopeful. It feels like he can finally be normal again. Or at least as normal as a guy with a metal arm can be.

He tears his eyes away from the mirror and looks down for a moment at his arm and then notices one of his hair-ties next to the sink. He reaches out and picks it up in his metal hand. Then he slowly lifts his hands to gather his hair up and twists the hair-tie round it, until it’s secured in a little bun.

He stares at himself in the mirror again, his hair tied back from his face, and then he cries his eyes out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise, no Hydra attacks on Bucky here. I didn't want to have Bucky kidnapped or something.
> 
> Ooh the next chapter is so dramatic. I'm excited to share it. I hope you liked this chapter, thank you so much for your kind comments! x


	16. A Million Little Pieces

“So…” Steve says, standing awkwardly, as Bucky puts down his bag of his things on his bed.

It’s so weird to be back at Bucky’s place after almost three months. It looks like he never left, except for the fine coating of dust on some of the furniture.

“It’s weird being back,” Bucky echoes his thoughts.

Steve watches him looking round the room. He should be happy. He _is_ happy. The threat to Bucky is gone, at least as far as it ever can be, and he’s safe and as much as Steve hates himself for thinking it, he does feel comforted by the fact that Bucky’s new arm means he can defend himself a lot better than before. But he still feels like someone’s shoved their hand into his chest and yanked his insides around. He doesn’t want Bucky to go. Not that he wants to stay at the tower any more than Bucky does, but he just really hates that they’ll be living apart again. God, he feels like such an ass for thinking it, but Hydra’s threat against Bucky turned out to be one of the best things that had happened to Steve, because it meant he could see Bucky every day and fall asleep with him in his arms every night, and he’s just not sure how he’s supposed to go back to how it was before.

A smack to his back rudely pulls him out of his thoughts as the front door opens and hits him. He turns and moves out the way, feeling instantly on guard.

“Oh, hey, sorry…” A teenage boy pokes his head round the door and Steve relaxes. He watches as the kid sees Bucky and his eyes light up. “Hey Mr. Barnes, it _is_ you!” the kid grins, opening the door fully.

“Hey, Peter. Bucky, remember?” Bucky tells the kid.

 _Ah, Peter. The kid from downstairs_ , Steve remembers.

The kid seems to notice him there properly now. “Holy sh…hi. I mean, hi. I’m Peter,” he says, eyes bugging out his head.

“Steve,” Steve smiles, a little forced, considering his mood.

“I know,” Peter replies. “I mean, um, it’s so cool to meet you, sir…I mean Captain.” He looks all flustered as he bumbles.

“It’s just Steve,” he replies. He’s really not in the mood for this but he tries to keep his tone friendly.

“Wow. Okay.” Peter seems to be having a little trouble, but only for a moment as he pulls his eyes away to look at Bucky again. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to barge in, I just heard noise and thought I’d check. You’ve been gone ages.”

“That’s really nice of you, thanks,” Bucky tells him with a sweet smile.

Steve feels his heart melt a little when he watches Bucky smile. Every time, without fail, it makes him feel warm.

“I’m back home for good now,” Bucky continues, and Steve feels the warmth turn to ice in his veins. Bucky sounds happy. Of course he’s happy, Steve basically had him cooped up like a prisoner, he can’t be surprised that Bucky’s glad to be home. God, he needs to get back to the tower. They’ve got sturdy things he can punch out his frustrations on.

“Cool. Aunt May missed you,” Peter tells Bucky with a little grin, while Steve clenches his jaw, feeling tense.

Bucky pushes his hair back with his left hand. “I missed you guys too,” he says kindly. Steve can’t believe he doesn’t get to wake up with his face buried in that hair every day anymore.

“You have a metal arm?” Peter exclaims, obviously noticing Bucky’s hand for the first time. “That is awesome, dude!”

Bucky looks at his hand and laughs. “Oh, yeah. Pretty cool, huh?” He pulls up his sleeve a little further and moves closer to show it to Peter.

Steve can hardly believe what he’s seeing, how Bucky’s so comfortable showing it off. God, he’s so proud of him. When he thinks back to how shy and nervous he was when they met, to how he now seems so much more comfortable in his own skin…Steve’s heart swells with pride and admiration for his amazing boyfriend.

“Wow,” Peter says, looking closely, but not touching, Steve notices, being respectful even though it looks like he’s dying to touch. Steve’s starting to like this kid.

“It’s cool, you can touch, if you want,” Bucky tells him, obviously noticing like Steve did.

Peter does, very carefully lightly touching Bucky’s wrist, looking fascinated. “Is this why you were away?”

Bucky shrugs. “Yeah, pretty much.” He looks over at Steve and gives him a little smile. “Peter’s really into science,” he explains.

“Holy shit, is this…did Tony Stark make this?” Peter blurts, obviously putting two and two together.

“Um, yeah,” Bucky admits, with a little look at Steve.

“Oh my god, he’s a genius. What’s he like, did you hang out with him, is he cool, are you guys like friends or something?” Peter rushes out the questions in one long string.

Steve’s phone buzzes in his pocket before he or Bucky can reply. He looks at the screen and frowns. “He’s calling.” Of all the times. He picks up, making apologetic eyes at Bucky, while Peter just stares at him wide-eyed. “Tony, I’m kinda in the middle of something, so if this isn’t urgent—”

“Found a Hydra facility, thought you might want to check it out, Cap, but if you’re too busy…” Tony drawls.

Steve rolls his eyes. “I’m on my way.” He hangs up the phone to see Bucky looking a little down and Peter looking curious. “Sorry, I have to go.” For the first time, he’s almost glad to have a reason to leave though, because he’s really finding it hard to look at Bucky without showing how much he hates this right on his face. He wants to grab Bucky and force him home with him and never let him go. Instead, he moves closer and kisses him quickly on the cheek. “I’ll call you when I know more.”

Bucky nods. He looks a little resigned. “Be careful,” he tells Steve.

“Call me if you need anything.” Steve doesn’t know what else to say. “Nice to meet you, Peter.” He smiles briefly at the kid and offers his hand out.

Peter shakes it, looking a little stunned. “You too, Captain, um, Steve.”

Steve nods at Bucky once more, wishing Peter wasn’t there so he could kiss Bucky properly, but then he knows he’d never get round to leaving, so Peter’s presence is probably a good thing. He steels himself and strides to the door and leaves, closing it behind him. He stands for a second and leans against the doorframe and the wall. He feels exhausted. He’d give anything to just stay with Bucky and forget the rest of the world exists. But he has a job to do.

Tony installed a new security system at Bucky’s so at least he knows Bucky will be as safe as possible while he’s gone, and will be okay, but Steve won’t. He already misses him.

“You’re dating Captain America?” he hears Peter ask, sounding like he can’t believe it.

“He’s just Steve,” Bucky replies, and Steve takes a deep breath, as his heart floods with affection, and he knows he’ll be okay too. He’ll miss seeing Bucky every day, but he’s still Bucky’s ‘just Steve’. He hopes he always will be.

 

****

 

“Quit moping.”

“I’m not moping,” Bucky scowls at Logan.

“You’re definitely moping,” Scott chips in.

Bucky frowns at him, feeling put out. Scott’s almost always on his side.

“You look blue,” Kurt agrees with them.

Bucky pointedly looks at his blue-haired friend, who gives him a little grin. Bucky crosses his arms over his chest. It’s still so weird that he can do that now. Scott and Kurt had already asked him all about his new arm as soon as they arrived at Frankie’s. Now they were busy bugging him about Steve.

“I just don’t like it when he’s gone,” Bucky admits, uncrossing his arms and swirling his finger through some condensation left on the wooden table.

“Because you worry about him or because you miss him?” Scott asks.

“Both,” Bucky replies honestly with a little huff. “Obviously.” He gives Scott a little eye-roll.

Steve’s been away again. After he left Bucky’s place, he called him later to say they had a mission. And it seemed like a big one, because all the Avengers were going. Bucky hasn’t been around for that to happen before. He’s pretty damn panicked about what could need both the Hulk _and_ Thor there helping. It’s already been a couple of days and Bucky can’t stop worrying. He’s also finding it weirdly difficult to settle back into his apartment and he knows it’s because he’d gotten used to having Steve around and he liked it. He liked it a lot. He feels lonely being back there, even though he used to love time to himself. 

“You need another drink,” Logan tells him, already starting to get up.

Bucky sighs. That’s usually Logan’s solution to most things, even though it’s only lunchtime.

“Maybe when Steve’s back, we can all do something?” Scott suggests.

Bucky smiles a little. It’s very sweet of him, considering the other guys had been sure that Scott wouldn’t like Steve, but Scott’s a great guy, Bucky couldn’t see him being petty like that. “Yeah, I think Steve would like that.” He appreciates Scott trying to get him to focus on Steve being back instead of wondering where he is now.

“Are you coming back to work?” Kurt asks, changing the topic.

“Oh, um…I don’t know yet.” Bucky hasn’t really thought about it yet. He’s still trying to figure it out. He’s got his rent paid for by Steve for the next twenty days or so, so he needs to get a move on and decide, though he knows Steve would cover it in an instant if Bucky asked. But he’s had enough of handouts. He can take care of himself. “Did Eisenhardt say there’s an opening?”

Kurt shrugs. “No, but he liked you. You should call and see what he says. Might be fewer hours, but it would be something.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Bucky says non-committedly. Maybe it would be good for a little while, while he decides what to do. He just doesn’t want a little while to turn into months and then years, like it so often does.

Logan returns not holding any drinks. Bucky frowns and then notices the serious look on his face as he meets Bucky’s gaze.

“There’s something on the TV about the Avengers,” he says to Bucky, his tone the gentlest it’s ever been, before looking over towards the bar, where the flatscreen TV hangs on the wall behind.

Bucky’s chest feels hollow. He tries not to panic as he slides out the booth and hurries over to the TV. The sound is down but the subtitles are on and they’re reporting something big happening in Sokovia, wherever that is. There’s no footage yet, but reports are that the Avengers are there.

Bucky tries his very best to stay calm, but he’s terrified. If it’s on the news, it must be something big going down, and Steve’ll be right there in the middle of it. He feels a hand on his shoulder and looks to see Logan there.

“You okay?”

“I, uh, I need to get home.” If he gets home, he can have some privacy and he can call that number Steve gave him so he can get information. Except then he remembers that number was SHIELD and they don’t exist anymore. _Shit_. He still wants to go home so he can watch the news with sound and see what’s happening.

“I’ll go with you,” Logan tells him.

Bucky manages to shake his head and tear his eyes away from the screen. “It’s okay. I’m sure it’s fine. I just…I need to be on my own.”

Logan looks concerned. “You sure?”

“Yeah,” Bucky nods, shoving his hands into his pockets. “I’m sure it’s gonna be fine anyway,” he lies. He has no idea. He doesn’t want to think about it right now. He just needs to get home.

Logan looks like he doesn’t want to agree, but he does. He’s not one to baby someone, especially if they don’t ask for help. “Alright. Call if you need anything.”

Bucky nods and turns to head out. He practically runs the few blocks home.

When he gets inside, he turns on his TV and stands there staring at it, waiting for more information. He doesn’t know how long he watches. Little details start trickling in. Something about robots, he thinks they say. He just keeps praying in his head that Steve is okay.

After a while, Bucky thinks he should probably sit down, but he can’t bring himself to move. He can’t look away from the screen. He doesn’t think he’s even blinking. He can feel himself shuddering, but he can’t seem to stop. They keep talking about what’s happening, but there are no firm details—they don’t really know what’s really happening. All he knows is that Steve’s there and the whole city of Sokovia is under attack.

He hears his buzzer ringing but he’s too frozen to answer. It’s just not important.

A couple of minutes later, the door opens and he finally looks over for just one second, and there’s Becca with her spare key, before his eyes find their way back to the screen.

“Bucky?” Becca says, her voice pained. She’s next to him in a second, her arms wrapped around him a second later. “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay,” she whispers, trying desperately to help calm him down, Bucky knows, but he can’t. He’s so, so scared.

“He’s there, Becs,” he finally speaks, his voice cracking.

She pulls away but grips his right hand tightly. “He’ll be okay. He’s super, remember? He’s always fine.”

She sounds so sure, and she’s right, except that he’s always fine until one day he might not be. Bucky barely registers his phone is ringing until Becca moves away to grab it from his jacket.

“Sam?” she answers. “Yeah, he’s here. No, no, he isn’t.” She lowers her voice a little, but Bucky still hears her. “Please? As soon as you can?” She hangs up.

“Bucky, will you sit?” he hears her ask and he lets her guide him to sit in one of the chairs at his little table. The little table Steve gave him. She wraps a blanket round his shoulders at some point. Time seems to be moving differently as he stares at the TV, waiting for any news of Steve.

And then it happens. The whole city of Sokovia starts rising into the air. Bucky lets out a whimper and Becca wraps her arms around him again. He grips onto her in terror. Becca doesn’t seem to have words of comfort anymore. They both just watch, unable to do anything, knowing Steve is up there. The news starts reporting if the city drops from whatever height that it could be catastrophic, but all Bucky can think about is _what if it drops while Steve is on it_.

At some point, his buzzer goes again. Becca answers it and soon he realises that Sam is there now too. He’s over, gripping Bucky’s shoulder in moments. Bucky sits there, Becca on his right, holding his hand, while perched on the table, and Sam standing to his left, both of them trying to anchor him while they all watch the screen.

Bucky jerks upright in his seat the moment the helicarriers appear on screen.

“See, it’s gonna be okay,” Sam says, relief evident in his voice. “They’re getting everyone out.”

Bucky tries to nod, but his head barely moves. The news starts reporting that they’re evacuating the people onto the helicarriers and Bucky waits, praying to hear that Steve is on them. It seems like he waits for eternity.

And then the city drops. Bucky’s stomach lurches and he hears a noise of pure agony come out of his throat and Becca and Sam’s grips on him get tighter and he feels them freeze up next to him. Bucky watches in horror as the whole thing explodes into pieces and his heart stops beating.

“He’s on one of the carriers,” Sam murmurs, breaking the dead silence between them. “He’s on a carrier,” he repeats.

But Sam doesn’t know that. He just hopes that. Just like Bucky hopes with everything he has while he sits there frozen. He feels like the world just stopped.

He doesn’t know how long it is, because time seems to have ceased to have meaning, but then the news finally starts reporting that the Avengers are okay. Bucky waits, unable to breathe until finally, _finally_ they say Steve’s name.

A sob makes it way out of him, and Becca gathers him into a hug again and he weeps on her shoulder. He can’t quite believe it. He wishes there was footage, but they’re saying he’s okay. Steve is okay.

Sam wraps his arms around both of them, a huge sigh of relief leaving him. “He’s okay. Knew he’d be okay.”

Bucky’s still shuddering, adrenaline making its way out of his system as his body finally starts to calm down a little. Sam gets him over to his bed where Becca sits next to him, wrapping him up again and staying close while Sam goes to make tea.

The news continues reporting as more details emerge about what happened. They report that there are casualties but that a huge number of people were rescued by the Avengers.

Becca helps him drink some tea when it’s cooled down a little, while Sam potters around his apartment, his tone cheery, talking about how he’s sure they’ll hear from Steve soon, once he’s done with his Cap duties, but how he’s probably very busy right now. Bucky feels spaced out, like he’s not quite in the room with them, so he just nods along and lets them take care of him. Becca starts telling him about school, trying to distract him probably, but he’s not sure he even really hears any of it. He appreciates hearing her warm voice though and her presence there.

When his phone finally rings from where Becca left it on the table, Bucky just blinks at it. He’s too exhausted to move. Sam makes his way over and smiles in relief again. “It’s him,” he says, holding the phone out to Bucky, but Bucky can’t take it. He doesn’t think he can even speak right now.

Sam seems to realise that after a second and picks up instead. “Hey…no it’s Sam,” he says into the phone. “No, he’s here, he’s okay…Yeah, me and Becca. Are you okay?” Sam listens for a moment as Bucky watches him. “Yeah, okay. I’m not sure if he can really talk right now, I think he’s in a bit of shock,” he says gently, looking at Bucky with kind and concerned eyes. “Okay. I’ll put you on speaker.” Sam moves the phone from his ear and touches the screen and Bucky hears background noise. “Okay,” Sam tells Steve.

“Bucky?” Steve’s voice comes down the line, sounding tired but warm like sunshine, and cracks into the last piece of fear that was still gripping Bucky’s heart. “I’m okay. Everything is okay, sweetheart. I’m so sorry I scared you like this.” He sounds drained. “Sam, Becca…thank you so much for looking after him,” Steve adds. “Buck, I’m going to be back with you as soon as I can, I promise.”

Bucky finally manages to speak. Just the one word. Just “Stevie” coming out of his mouth, small and broken sounding. He reaches for the phone from Sam, cradling it in his hands as his lifeline to Steve.

“Sweetheart, I’m here,” Steve says, his voice sounding purely relieved now at having heard Bucky’s voice. “You’re okay.”

Bucky nods, tears rolling down his cheeks. “Okay,” he manages to say.

“I have to go, but I’ll be home soon. I know Becca and Sam will take good care of you until then.”

“Okay,” Bucky manages again, choking back a sob.

“I’ll see you soon, sweetheart,” Steve promises.

Becca takes the phone from him when Steve hangs up. “See. Everything’s fine now,” she says with a small smile.

Bucky nods, wiping his face. _Everything’s fine_. He can breathe again.

 

****

 

Everything isn’t fine. The shock of Sokovia doesn’t seem to leave him. Bucky feels like he did just after he left the army or just like after his accident. Every sound seems to scare him. He doesn’t leave the house for the next two days. Sam stops by a lot and he seems to know what’s going on.

“He’ll be back soon,” Sam tells him.

But that’s not the problem. Bucky knows Steve will be back. He’s texted him to say he’ll be there tomorrow. The problem is, Bucky can’t stop thinking about all the ways Steve could be taken from him. This has been the closest call since Bucky has known him and he can’t seem to get past it.

“Do you want to come to the VA with me?” Sam offers. “We’ve got some great counsellors down there,” he says gently.

Bucky just wraps his arms round his knees where he’s sitting on the bed and shakes his head. “I’m fine.” It’s a lie. They both know it is, but Sam doesn’t push. Bucky knows he won’t push until he’s really, truly worried, and right now he’s hoping Steve’s return will solve everything.

“Okay. Well maybe try and get an early night and get some rest,” Sam suggests. “I’ll text you later,” he offers before heading off.

Bucky doesn’t sleep later. He lies there, his mind working overtime. In the morning, he looks like a zombie. He stares at the clock, watching the numbers tick over. He can’t bring himself to get up. Thirty-seven minutes have passed when there’s a knock on the door.

“Buck?” he hears Steve’s voice and his heart starts beating again.

He finally manages to drag himself out of bed, rushing to the door, throwing it open to find Steve. He throws himself on him, wrapping his arms round him as tightly as he can, face buried in his neck, taking deep breaths, smelling Steve’s familiar, comforting scent, telling him he’s real.

“It’s okay,” Steve murmurs to him, one hand wrapped around his back, the other in his hair. “I’m okay.”

Bucky doesn’t let go. He hears Steve let out a little chuckle. “You know that arm of yours is really strong,” he jokes, and Bucky realises how hard he’s probably gripping Steve with the metal one and he finally lets go to see Steve grinning a little at him, but he can’t manage to find anything funny right now.

“You could have died,” he accuses Steve. He can hear the slight shake in his voice.

Steve’s face falls and he looks serious again. “I told you, sweetheart, I’m fine,” he promises. He reaches out again, but Bucky turns and moves back to his bed.

He doesn’t know what to do as he sinks down onto the bed while Steve looks distraught. He’s so stuck, so fucking stuck, there’s no way out of this. He can’t do this. He always thought he could, but he _can’t_. But he can’t leave Steve. If Steve dies and they’re together or Steve dies and they’re apart, it will still kill him. So he’s stuck. Stuck in endless torment and terror with no way out.

“Buck, I’m going to touch you, okay?” he hears Steve say, and he feels the bed sink next to him as Steve sits, and as his arm wraps around Bucky’s shoulder, Bucky realises he’s shaking. Actually, he might be hyperventilating.

“Bucky, you’ve gotta calm down,” Steve’s saying gently, but Bucky isn’t really focusing. Steve’s hand touches his face and gently moves it so he’s facing Steve. “Breathe with me, okay?” Steve orders, exaggerating his breathing. Bucky finally focuses and tries to breathe along with him like Steve wants him to.

It seems to take an age, but eventually Bucky feels his breathing level out and he finally processes Steve’s worried face and hand gripping him tightly. Bucky feels tears escaping his eyes as he crumbles against Steve. “I…I can’t…I can’t do this,” he stutters out between gasps.

Steve strokes along his back, Bucky pressed up against his chest where he used to feel so safe but just doesn’t anymore. “Can’t do what?” Steve asks so quietly, Bucky almost doesn’t hear it over his gasps.

“I…I can’t watch you die,” Bucky sputters against his chest.

Steve squeezes him even tighter. “That’s not going to happen, Buck. I promise you.”

Bucky pulls away from him, sudden anger running through him. He stares at Steve. “You don’t know that,” he challenges him loudly. “You don’t. And you don’t know what it was like, watching that…” Bucky feels the fear grip his heart again. “And I knew! You would have waited until everyone was safe, even if it meant you weren’t. The Captain going down with the ship,” he spits out, so, so angry now.

He stands up and moves away, grabbing onto the back of one of his chairs to try and steady himself, but it’s with his metal hand and he splinters the back of the wooden frame accidently with the force of his grip. He looks at the damage he’s done and then throws the fucking thing against his dresser, where it shatters into pieces.

“Buck—” Steve starts, standing up. He looks worried. He’s never seen Bucky like this.

“Don’t,” Bucky cuts him off. He looks at Steve, body shaking again. “I can’t live without you…but I can’t live like this.”

“Bucky,” Steve tries again, voice heartbreakingly sad as he steps forward.

Bucky shakes his head, stepping back slightly. “I need some time to myself. I just…please. Can we talk in a few days?” He can’t think anymore. Everything feels so emotional and he just can’t think straight right now. “Please?” he asks again, when Steve seems to be making a move towards him again.

Steve stops, staring at Bucky, his face full of concern. He finally nods. “Okay…Okay, but just a few days?” he says, voice firm.

Bucky nods. He wraps his arms around himself, keeping Steve out, trying to cocoon himself.

Steve hesitates, looking at Bucky with a pained expression, before he finally heads for the door, avoiding the broken wood of the chair that’s across the floor, looking like he so badly wants to hold Bucky, but has enough self-control to resist the impulse.

Bucky watches him open the door and Steve looks back at him for a moment. “I’ll see you in a few days,” he says, eyes boring into Bucky’s, voice resolute.

Bucky nods and Steve turns to go. “Steve?” he calls out just before Steve disappears, and Steve turns back, face hopeful. “It was good,” he starts, and Steve looks confused. “That you saved them,” he adds. “You did a good job.”

Steve’s face changes back to sadness, but he gives a slight nod and attempts a small smile, and then he’s gone.

Bucky curls up on the floor.

 

****

 

“Thank you for meeting me,” Steve tells Sam.

They’re at the VA, in Sam’s office, after Steve called to see if they could meet. It’s only a few hours after he saw Bucky, but he doesn’t know what to do. He has no idea how to make things better for Bucky and he’s terrified that Bucky’s going to leave him. So he went to the one person he thought of that could hopefully help. God, he hopes Sam can help.

He’s never seen Bucky like this. He wants so badly to make Bucky feel safe again, to take away all the pain, except he’s the one who caused it. He knows that Bucky’s reacting this way because he loves him, but Steve is so scared that maybe loving him won’t be enough, that maybe Bucky will decide he can’t be with him anymore. He doesn’t know what he’ll do if Bucky makes that choice. In only six months, he can’t imagine ever living life without him again. Bucky brings him to life. He loves him more than he thought was possible. But all he ever does is bring Bucky pain. And yet here he is, still being selfish, unable to take the possibility of Bucky leaving him, willing to do whatever it takes to stop that happening.

“You saw Bucky then,” Sam confirms, as he gestures for Steve to sit in one of the two comfy brown chairs opposite his desk and sits in the other.

Steve nods as he sits down. “He’s not okay.” Steve doesn’t even know how to describe how not okay Bucky is.

Sam looks at him like he’s not surprised. “What did he say to you?”

“He asked for time to himself…a few days,” Steve tells him. “He said he didn’t know how to live like this,” Steve adds quietly, looking at his hands before looking at Sam. “I think I’m gonna lose him,” he confesses, feeling like he’s stabbed himself in the heart as he says those words.

Sam shakes his head at him, sympathetically. “You’re not gonna lose him.”

Steve’s heart lurches hopefully and stupidly. “You don’t know that.”

Sam leans forward a little, clasping his hands together. “Look man, I don’t mean this in a bad way, but you really haven’t known him that long. This is what Bucky does. He has PTSD, but he doesn’t see anyone for it long-term, no matter how many times I bug him to. He thinks because he’s okay most of the time, that he’s okay. But he’s not. This totally triggered him. He’s lost people before and the possibility of losing you…it took him right back to those feelings.” Sam lets out a sigh and then he must see Steve’s face fall because he continues quickly. “I’m not saying that’s your fault,” Sam says, holding up his hand in apology, “but it is what it is. He gets scared, he panics, he pushes people away.”

“Then what do I do?” Steve interrupts.

Sam holds up his hand. “He pushes people away,” he repeats. “Then he figures it out. He remembers he can’t let fear control him. And then he comes back to himself. He almost snaps right back to being the Bucky we both know and love.”

Steve listens, his heart soaring.

Sam smiles a little, but he looks a little frustrated too. “I ain’t saying it’s the healthy way to deal with it, but it’s what he does.”

“You’re sure?” Steve can’t help but ask, hearing the naked hope in his voice.

Sam lets out a little amused huff of air. “Look man, Bucky is a lot of things, but he’s not stupid. He knows you’re the best thing to happen to him.”

Steve lets out his own huff. “You really think that?” He can’t see that. Surely Sam can see all the ways Steve keeps screwing up Bucky’s life.

Sam’s eyes twinkle at him. “ _I_ don’t need to think that, Bucky does. And he does. He loves you more than anything. And I can tell you that without breaking his trust because I _know_ you know that.”

Steve sighs and crumbles a little in his chair, running a hand through his hair. “I love him so much, Sam.”

“Yeah, I know that too,” Sam replies with a little eyebrow raise. He pats Steve on the shoulder. “It _will_ be okay. It might take a little time, and maybe you can help me convince him to get some actual help this time, but you won’t lose him.”

Steve looks at Sam gratefully, feeling a little of the panic he’s been feeling leaving him. “Thank you, Sam. Seriously. I can’t even explain how much you’ve helped.”

Sam shrugs at him and grins. “It’s kinda my job.”

Steve stands, Sam following. “So I should just wait?” he confirms.

Sam nods. “He needs time, you don’t want to crowd him now. I’ll keep an eye on him. You just be there when he calls.” Steve must still have a bit of doubt on his face because Sam pats him on the shoulder again. “Trust me. He will.”

Steve nods. “Okay. Okay, I…thank you.”

Sam smiles at him. “Now then. You wanna come meet some of our vets?” he offers.

Steve can hardly say no to that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love you guys. Thank you for all the comments! I hope you liked this chapter, it's one of my faves.
> 
> FYI I'm now over 100k on this. But there is an end in sight! x


	17. Without You I’m Nothing

As it turns out, Bucky doesn’t call. Five long, painful days later, he turns up at Steve’s front door. Steve’s heart beats out his chest as he opens the door to find him there and he pushes down the urge to fling himself at Bucky and never let go.

“Hey,” he says softly, instead.

Bucky offers up a small smile, not quite meeting his eyes. “Hey. Can I come in?”

Steve nods and steps aside. “Of course.” Bucky looks so beautiful, as he always does, but he looks tired, like he hasn’t been sleeping much. Steve knows he looks far worse, having spent the past few days in utter hell. God, he hopes Sam is right. There’s pure nervousness running through him as he looks at Bucky, desperately waiting to see what Bucky will say.

Bucky steps past Steve into the hallway as Steve closes the door behind them and follows after him. “Do you want to go to the living room?” Steve offers, trying to seem calm, as he steps behind Bucky.

Bucky turns slowly and then their eyes finally meet and it’s like Bucky’s trying to say everything in one look. But Steve gets it. He understands.

Bucky steps forward abruptly and crushes himself against Steve’s chest, arms wrapping around his neck, metal fingers cold against him, and Steve exhales in pure relief, his arms wrapping Bucky up and pulling him in as tightly as he can without hurting him.

Bucky’s soft lips press against Steve’s neck and his whole body tingles and comes back to life. He hasn’t been kissed by Bucky since before he left for Sokovia and god, he’s needed to be.

“I’m sorry,” Bucky murmurs against his skin, his warm breath still leaving goosebumps on Steve’s skin.

Steve shakes his head, knowing Bucky feels it. “No…it’s okay. It’s…we’re going to work it out together, okay?”

Bucky pulls back just enough so he can see Steve’s face. “Together,” he says firmly, looking into Steve’s eyes. “I love you, Stevie.”

Steve’s hand makes its way onto Bucky’s gorgeous face. “I love you so much, sweetheart,” he tells him, voice cracking with emotion, as relief floods every part of him.

“Show me,” Bucky tells him, eyes ablaze now.

Steve’s heart pounds and he nods. Maybe they should talk first, but he can’t right now. He needs Bucky. Needs to feel his skin against his, hear his voice, smell that perfect scent that he can only ever describe as pure _Bucky_ , needs to know that they’re together.

He leans in and kisses Bucky with all the passion of a man that’s been away from his love for years rather than days. Bucky moans into his mouth, before Steve hauls him up, hands under his ass so he can carry him up the stairs to their bedroom. Bucky doesn’t stop kissing him the whole way up.

In fact, they barely stop kissing the whole time. Even as Steve undresses him, and as Bucky pulls off Steve’s clothes, Bucky’s mouth is on him somewhere—if not his lips then at his neck or shoulder or ear. When Steve slides into him, Bucky’s tongue slides into Steve’s mouth. When Bucky takes over, flipping them so he can ride Steve, he pulls Steve up so he’s sitting, so they can keep kissing, Steve’s arms wrapped around Bucky’s back, holding him close. When Bucky comes and Steve follows, Bucky swallows his moans with his lips. They only break apart so Bucky can murmur that he loves Steve and Steve can murmur it right back before they finally collapse together, Steve still holding him close, unwilling to ever let go, Bucky’s head pillowed on his chest.

 

****

 

Steve’s petting his hair when he wakes up. Bucky feels his fingers gently combing through it, pulling on the strands lightly. “Mmm, Stevie,” he murmurs out, snuggling against Steve’s chest.

“You’re awake,” Steve says, not stopping his hand. Bucky feels him bend to kiss the top of his head.

Bucky smiles into Steve’s chest, then the smile leaves his face as he remembers that they need to talk. He shifts, Steve’s hand leaving his hair as he leans his metal hand carefully onto Steve’s chest so he can look at him. Steve’s looking back at him, eyes filled with so much love that Bucky feels terrible. “I’m sorry,” Bucky tells him, trying to convey with his eyes just how sorry he is.

God, he’s so sorry. He just got so, so scared and he let it take over. He’s never had anything he loves as much as he loves Steve and the thought of losing him, of feeling like he was just waiting for that moment, was too much to take. He still doesn’t really know how to handle it, but he does know that running isn’t the answer. Being with Steve is worth the fear. He knows it is.

Steve shakes his head vehemently. “No, no, no, you didn’t do anything. You needed space to think and that’s fine. You can always ask me for that.”

Steve’s too good to him, Bucky can’t even believe how good he is. “But I said some stupid shit,” he says, feeling filled with guilt and self-hatred.

“You just said how you were feeling. It’s always okay to tell me how you feel.” Steve puts his hand over Bucky’s on his chest and it’s comforting. Bucky knows he means it.

“It was really scary,” Bucky murmurs, looking at their hands, voice small. He loves how Steve holds his metal hand just the same as he would his real one, as though he doesn’t even notice the difference, just accepting it as part of Bucky straight away.

“I know,” Steve says, voice filled with guilt. He taps Bucky’s arm. “Hey, come up here,” he says gently, and he moves back so he’s sitting against the headboard and Bucky gets the idea and joins him, sitting up next to him. Steve reaches down and hauls Bucky’s legs over his so they’re facing each other better, Bucky at an angle to him, and he keeps his hands on Bucky’s thigh.

Bucky can’t help smiling at him now. Steve looks so happy to see it. He moves one of his hands to stroke his fingers along Bucky’s lips for a moment, before pressing their lips together in a quick kiss.

Steve drops his hand back onto Bucky’s thigh when they break apart. “There’s some stuff I wanted to talk to you about,” he starts.

Bucky nods as Steve’s fingers start absentmindedly tracing a little pattern along his thigh, making the hairs there stand up on end.

“I talked to Tony,” Steve says, and Bucky frowns a little in confusion as he didn’t expect Tony to be brought up in this conversation. “He’s going to make some improvements to my suit. Put some Iron Man tech in there so if I’m ever falling, I can fly outta there instead.”

Bucky feels his lips part in surprise.

“He’s gonna do some other improvements too, better armour and things, anything he can think of to make my job as safe as it can be,” Steve continues.

God, Bucky has cried a stupid amount in this last week, but he feels like he could cry again, because instead of brushing off Bucky’s fears as nothing, Steve’s actually gone and tried to make things better, doing whatever he can to make Bucky feel safer and less frightened about Steve going out there.

Bucky doesn’t trust himself to speak so instead he grabs Steve and buries his face against his neck, kissing the skin there, pure gratitude rushing through him. He finally manages to whisper, “thank you”.

“I also wanted to ask you something?” Steve continues.

Bucky pulls back to see Steve smiling softly at him.

“And this isn’t just because of this week, I’ve been thinking about it for a long time now,” he continues, while Bucky waits to hear what he has to say. Steve grasps his right hand. “Buck, I would really love it if you would move in with me.”

Bucky’s heart feels like it’s beating out his chest. He didn’t see those words coming out of Steve’s mouth. “Are…are you serious?” Bucky asks, even though he knows he is by the look on his face.

Steve nods. “I just…I want you around all the time,” he says simply, face open and honest. “Whenever we’re not together, I wish we were.”

Bucky thinks about it for a few seconds. It’s what he wants too. He knows it is. “Okay,” he says with a little smile at Steve, and he watches as Steve’s eyes widen in happiness.

“Are you sure?” Steve asks, looking like he’s trying hard to not get too excited.

“Yeah,” Bucky says softly, heart bursting at the look on Steve’s face. And then he can’t resist adding, “Your place is nicer than mine.”

Steve lets out a laugh, the first real laugh since he’s been back, and Bucky feels himself melt. Steve reaches over and pulls Bucky into another kiss, happiness pouring off him and onto Bucky like sunshine.

Steve pulls away, still smiling, but then looks down for a moment. “I…I need to ask you to do something for me though,” he says, looking back up at Bucky with imploring eyes, like he’s readying himself for a fight.

Bucky furrows his brow, feeling a little concerned. “Okay?”

“Will you talk to someone? A counsellor at Sam’s place maybe, or we could find someone from elsewhere?” Steve stares at him like he’s terrified of asking Bucky this, like he’s scared Bucky will have another meltdown.

“I’m fine,” Bucky starts to say, the words his almost automatic reflex, but Steve’s hand squeezing his stops him.

“Please, Buck?”

Bucky stops and looks into those perfect blue eyes and he knows he has to. Because it’s Steve asking him to, and Steve has never asked anything of him before except when he’s truly worried. He lets out a breath and looks down at where Steve is holding his hand. “Yeah…okay. Yeah, I will,” Bucky gives in, looking back up at Steve.

Steve looks like a huge weight has been lifted from his shoulders. “You will?” he asks Bucky with a tentative smile. “Not just once, for a while?” he adds.

Bucky sighs and closes his eyes for a second. He doesn’t want to say yes to that, but he reminds himself that he can do it. For Steve. He nods and opens his eyes again. “I’ll stick with it,” he agrees, slight panic running through him at the thought of it.

Steve sweeps him back into his arms again and holds him tightly. “Thank you, Buck,” he mumbles against him.

Bucky kisses his neck again and then they separate. “If I do this,” he starts, fixing Steve with a very serious look, watching as Steve’s face turns very concerned, “then I want you to make me breakfast every day.”

Steve’s face breaks into a smile and he rolls his eyes. “So demanding already. Any other requests?” he grins.

Bucky shrugs and gives him a little sly smile. “I’m sure some’ll come to me.”

 

****

 

Bucky looks round at his apartment. He doesn’t think it’s ever been this crowded with people. When he asked his friends to help him move, he probably should have considered how little stuff he had, cause he’s definitely got more help than he needs. Logan and Sam are there and then Steve brought Clint with him to help, and he brought a small van, so Bucky’s definitely thankful for that, but five men is probably overkill for the task. Plus Steve is Steve, and Bucky probably could have loaded him up like a donkey if he needed to.

Bucky’d had a few months left on his lease, but after some arguing, Steve had paid to break it. Steve saying he couldn’t wait months for Bucky to move in was what really won him that argument—Bucky couldn’t help melting. He looks over fondly at his boyfriend where he’s directing Clint what to grab next.

Steve grabs his TV and starts heading out with that, while Sam and Clint each grab a couple of boxes. There’s almost nothing left now. The furniture came with the apartment so it’s just Steve’s table that needs taking. Bucky can’t help feeling a little sad when he looks at the empty room. It’s not the best apartment, but it’s been a safe place for him since he left the army and it feels sadder than he thought it would to leave it.

“Gonna miss it?” Logan asks as he sits down on Bucky’s bare mattress.

“Yeah, actually,” Bucky admits, looking at how empty the room looks now. “It’s kinda weird to think I won’t be coming back here.”

“You can still change your mind,” Logan reminds him.

Bucky looks over at him with an amused exhale of breath. “I don’t think Steve would be too happy about that,” he jokes.

“Ain’t about Steve. It’s about what you want.” Logan looks at him with his eyebrows raised.

“Steve _is_ what I want. It’s just…I’ve never done this, you know. Moving in with someone, having someone.” Bucky sighs and sits down next to Logan. “What if I fuck it up?” He’s so excited to move in with Steve, but there’s a little part of him that’s scared that it’s too soon or that it won’t work—he can’t help it. And it’s not because he doubts Steve—it’s because he doubts himself.

“And why would you do that?”

Bucky shrugs. “I dunno. Things fall apart, don’t they?”

“Sometimes,” Logan says with a shrug. “Not always.”

It’s oddly comforting. Bucky looks around the room again. He can do this. “I think it’s time for something new.”

“Hey,” Steve smiles at them as he comes back into the apartment. “I think everything’s pretty much ready,” he says gently.

Logan gets up. “I’ll take down the table,” he offers, lifting it up without waiting for an answer, before leaving him and Steve alone.

Steve gives him a soft smile. “Ready to go?”

Bucky looks around at the bare room. “Yeah. I think so.” He gets up and walks to Steve’s side and takes his hand. “I’m gonna miss it here.”

“Me too,” Steve says, surprising Bucky.

“Really?”

Steve smiles at him. “I keep thinking about Christmas here,” he says, looking around. “It was a really great day.” He squeezes Bucky’s hand a little.

Bucky remembers. It’s one of his favourite days he’s spent with Steve. It feels like a long time ago, but it’s only been six months. He can’t believe how much his life has changed in only half a year.

“It was the best,” he replies, squeezing Steve’s hand back. He turns to face Steve and just looking at him makes him feel calmer. He can’t believe he gets to see this face every day now. “We can get an even bigger tree this Christmas,” he says with a gentle smile, and Steve lights up.

“And we can decorate the place together this time,” Steve says joyously.

“Maybe try our hand at actual Christmas cookies this year,” Bucky suggests, heart glowing at all the thoughts of everything to come for them.

Steve smiles, looking into Bucky’s eyes, and he’s never looked happier. “Sounds perfect.”

Bucky looks at the room once more and then tugs on Steve’s hand. He’s ready to go now. The worry’s been replaced with excitement, because at his core, Bucky knows this is right. He’s ready for this. It’s time for the next chapter.

 

****

 

Bucky looks around at Steve’s room as he dumps the bag of his clothes on the bed. _Their_ room, he corrects in his head. It’s _their_ room now. It feels a little strange. It’s different to the apartment they had at the tower. That felt like staying at a hotel, everything was so impersonal. This…this feels like it could be home. It makes him happy, looking around at the room, thinking about nights ahead wrapped up with Steve in bed or mornings watching him getting ready for the day.

“Steve said to bring this up here?” Clint interrupts his thoughts and he turns to see him holding Bucky’s small TV.

“Yeah, we’re gonna put it in one of the guest rooms,” he says, gesturing for Clint to move back into the hallway and to the room at the end that overlooks the little back garden. He figures this will be Becca’s room when she wants to visit, or maybe even stay when she finishes college, before she gets a job. He’s sure Steve would be okay with that.

Clint puts the TV down on the dresser. “Cool to know I’ve got a TV in my room when I come over,” he grins.

Bucky lets out an amused huff. “Yeah, sure.”

“So how’re you feeling about all this?” Clint asks. “Big change.”

“I feel good about it,” Bucky smiles honestly. “I love him, you know,” he says casually, and then realises he’s never really said that to anyone except Steve. And almost Natasha, accidently.

Clint grins at him again. “You guys are too fuckin’ cute.”

Bucky feels himself blushing. “Shut up,” he mumbles.

“Can I ask you something?” Clint sounds more serious now.

“Um, sure?” Bucky replies, curious.

“How do you feel about the whole Avengers thing?” Clint sounds casual enough, but Bucky can see in his eyes that he’s asking something serious.

“What do you mean?” Bucky replies, not quite sure what he’s getting at.

“Like, Steve being Captain America and going on missions and stuff. Does it bother you?”

Bucky shrugs, trying to stay casual. “I mean, it’s not my favourite thing about him, but it’s what he does.”

Clint doesn’t seem satisfied with the answer. “Yeah, but if you could choose, would you wish he was normal or would retire or something?” he pushes.

Bucky lets out a breath. Suddenly this conversation has gotten a little deep. “Those are two very different questions,” he replies with a little smile. “Do I wish he was ‘normal’?” he says, making air quotes. “No, because then he wouldn’t be Steve. He wouldn’t be the man I fell for.” He pauses and looks down before returning his gaze to Clint’s.

“What about retiring?” Clint presses.

Bucky bites his lip, not sure if he should answer that one. “I mean, it would be better for my blood pressure, sure,” he tries to joke. “It sucks not knowing if he’s safe. But I don’t think that’s ever going to happen, so no point thinking about it,” he finishes, with a smile that he knows doesn’t reach his eyes. “Why do you ask?” he continues before Clint can question him more.

“I…well, I sort of met someone,” Clint confesses, giving Bucky a sheepish look. “Civilian, like you. But I haven’t exactly told her what I do yet. Figured it might scare her away.”

“Huh,” Bucky muses to himself. “I sorta thought you and Natasha had a thing going?”

“Me and Nat?” Clint raises his eyebrows. “I don’t think I could handle her,” he laughs. “Plus we’ve been friends for far too long, it would be weird.”

“Huh,” Bucky says again. “Well if you like this woman…”

“Laura,” Clint chips in helpfully.

“Laura,” Bucky smiles. “If you like her, you’ve gotta tell her who you are. If it’s gonna bother her, it’s gonna bother her. You can’t really do anything about that,” he says with a little shrug.

“Would you have dated Steve if you knew who he was first?” Clint gives him a suspicious look.

Bucky lets out a big breath. “Okay, well that’s not fair. Totally different situation.”

“So you wouldn’t have?”

Bucky hesitates for a moment, pushing his hair back. “I mean, I would have been hesitant, but that’s me and my insecurity and I wouldn’t have thought for one second that I could be good enough for him. I didn’t think I was _without_ knowing about the whole Cap thing. But I’m sure Laura is too good for you anyway, so she won’t think like that,” he grins. “No offense.”

Clint laughs, slapping Bucky on the back. “None taken, it’s completely true. That’s how it should be.”

“I agree!” They suddenly both hear Steve yell up the stairs in a jovial tone. “And you’re far too good for me, Buck!”

Bucky feels himself go bright red again as Clint dissolves into laughter. “Fuck off with your super-hearing, Steve!” Bucky yells back at him.

“Yeah, this is a private conversation, Cap!” Clint chips in.

“I can’t exactly turn it off!” Steve complains. “And you were saying bad shit about my boyfriend, Buck!”

Bucky rolls his eyes and looks over at Clint, who’s laughing again. “As I was saying, before I was _rudely interrupted_ ,” he says, raising his voice for the last part, hearing Steve chuckling a little from downstairs. Then he grins to himself and switches to sign language and signs to Clint. _You’re a good guy. Just tell her and see what happens. She might think it’s worth it. For the right person, almost anything is worth it._

Clint grins at him and signs back. _You’re good at advice._

“Nah,” Bucky shakes his head. _I just know Steve’s worth it_ , he signs. Then he rolls his eyes a little. _Even if he is shaving years off my life with worry_ , he jokes, as Steve appears in the doorway, surprising them. Bucky will never get used to how light on his feet he is, considering how huge he is.

“Hey, that’s not fair,” Steve complains as he sees why he obviously couldn’t eavesdrop on them anymore.

Clint laughs. _What a baby_ , he signs.

 _You know it_ , Bucky signs back with a grin as Steve pouts.

“You know, you said you’d teach me that,” Steve reminds him, with a little put out frown.

“I know,” Bucky smirks, sharing a conspiratorial look with Clint. “But I think this might be way more fun.”

 

****

 

“Hey, so new request,” Bucky says as he watches Steve getting ready for bed from where he’s already tucked in under the covers.

“Hmm?” Steve murmurs as he puts his shirt into the laundry basket.

“I don’t think you should be allowed to wear shirts when we’re at home,” Bucky grins, making it very obvious how he’s ogling Steve’s naked chest. God, those pecs and those abs…Bucky can’t get enough of looking at them. It’s practically a crime that Steve doesn’t have his chest on display at all times.

A big dopey smile comes over Steve’s face as he turns to look at him.

“What?” Bucky says, feeling a little out of sorts because he expected Steve to roll his eyes at him.

“You said home,” Steve says, eyes shining with happiness.

Bucky lets out a little huff. “You know, Becca once called you soppy and I defended you. But I’m going to have to take that back and say she was right,” he says with a little eyebrow raise at Steve.

Steve just grins and moves over to the bed to clamber on top of him, each hand holding his weight either side of Bucky’s shoulders.

“Oh god, you’re like a giant happy puppy,” Bucky complains, even though he’s thrilled with how happy Steve looks.

Steve nuzzles into Bucky’s neck while Bucky laughs and tries to push him off, except he puts absolutely no effort into it. And then Steve licks a long stripe right up his neck.

“Oh you did not!” Bucky exclaims, actually pushing Steve away and rubbing at his neck.

“Don’t call me a puppy,” Steve grins evilly.

Bucky glowers at him. “Bad,” he scolds, pointing his finger at Steve’s nose.

Steve responds by trying to bite it while Bucky shrieks in a decidedly unmanly way and yanks his finger away and Steve uses the distraction to press their lips together instead.

“Mmmph…” Bucky moans against his lips before losing himself in the soft and sweet kisses Steve’s giving him. His hand reaches up to run into Steve’s short hair, nails scratching gently against his scalp.

“Mmm,” Steve murmurs as he breaks their kisses. “Yeah, this was definitely a good idea, I could definitely get used to this every night,” he says, pushing his head into Bucky’s hand a little where he’s still stroking Steve’s hair.

Bucky smiles at him, thinking the exact same thing. “You know…” he starts, letting his smile turn a little naughty, “I think we should celebrate.”

Steve raises an eyebrow. “What did you have in mind?” he asks, voice all gravelly now, before he leans in and kisses Bucky on the nose.

“I’m pretty sure it’s tradition to hit every room in the house,” Bucky replies with a little suggestive smirk.

Steve looks bemused. “Well I know I’d be up for that…if you think you could keep up?” he replies with a dirty smile.

“I didn’t mean all at once,” Bucky rolls his eyes.

Steve shakes his head. “Oh no, you’ve set me a challenge now, I’m gonna have to complete it.” He pulls the covers away and his hands are already moving to the drawstrings on Bucky’s pyjama pants. “Let’s see…there’s nine rooms in this house, if you count the downstairs bathroom…you think I could make you come that many times in one night?” Steve muses.

Bucky’s eyes widen. “No way in hell, Rogers.” He’s not signing up to death by orgasm, thank you very much, though what a way to go…

“Hmm…maybe we’ll aim for just the main rooms for you then…” Steve murmurs as he starts pulling off Bucky’s pants. “That’s…six,” Steve adds up, “if we don’t count the basement. Six sounds very reasonable, don’t you think?” he asks innocently, as he drags Bucky’s pants fully off, looking delighted to find Bucky’s hard as he makes his way back up his body.

“That’s not reasonable at all, you—” Bucky’s words get cut off by his own gasp as Steve drags his tongue over his cock.

“Oh yeah, I’m definitely aiming for at least six,” Steve murmurs before he wraps his lips around Bucky.

 

****

 

“No, no, no, I can’t…” Bucky breathes out, his voice escaping as a whine as Steve’s big hand works him over while he thrusts into Bucky relentlessly.

“Oh sweetheart, this is only number four…” Steve murmurs back, kissing Bucky’s face, his other hand stroking Bucky’s sweat-covered hair away from his forehead.

They’re in the dining room, Bucky on the table on his back, Steve standing. It feels like they’ve been at this forever, but Bucky has no idea how long really, he feels so spun out, like he’s intoxicated, except his drug of choice is Steve. Steve’s already had him in their bed, and then over the kitchen counter, which was frankly, fucking amazing, and then holding him up against the wall in the hallway, even though Steve hadn’t even counted that as a room. Bucky has no clue how his dick is even hard again at this point. He also has no idea how many times Steve’s come now, he thinks he lost track somewhere around number five. He can certainly feel that it’s a lot of times. Fuck, they’re going to have to do some really thorough cleaning of the house tomorrow.

Bucky whimpers as Steve continues to touch him, while he feels oversensitive and half mad with it.

“C’mon, you can come for me just once more, right?” Steve murmurs at him. “Just one more and I’ll give you a little rest.”

Fuck, Steve is so hot like this, Bucky knows he’ll give him anything. “Yes,” he whines out, the way only Steve can ever make him, making him lose control, and he feels himself getting close again, even though it feels like an impossible goal.

“Mmm, there you go, you’re so good for me, aren’t you,” Steve murmurs as Bucky stiffens and quivers on the table, barely anything coming out of his dick this time as he comes with a strangled moan.

“Ufmp…” Bucky groans as he goes boneless and feels Steve pull out. Oh god, there’s so much fucking come in him, it’s insane.

“Baby, you look so good, you have no idea,” Steve tells him, and Bucky blearily opens his eyes to find Steve gazing at him.

“No more,” he says, voice wobbly. “Can’t.”

Steve smiles and runs his hand along Bucky’s thigh. “Aww, sweetheart, did I break you?”

Bucky just about manages to lift his hand to flip Steve off.

Steve chuckles. “But we only managed four,” Steve pouts at him.

“Four is good,” Bucky manages to croak out. “Four’s such a nice number. I love four.”

Steve chuckles again, before leaning down and scooping Bucky into his arms, bridal style, while Bucky lets out a surprised yip. “Okay, Buck, you win. Four it is,” he laughs, while Bucky gives in to being carried that way and nestles his head into Steve’s shoulder. He’s too tired to protest. “We’ll just continue this tomorrow instead,” Steve adds, and Bucky does protest that meekly.

Steve carries him up the stairs slowly. “Hmm…maybe we’ll try it in the leather chair in the living room,” Steve muses to him. “Definitely in the shower,” he adds as they pass the main bathroom. “We’ll have to get creative in the guest bedrooms,” he continues, before he reaches their room.

He gently lays Bucky down on the bed. Bucky’s so exhausted, he’s already closed his eyes again, but he reaches blindly and tries to yank Steve down into bed with him.

Steve chuckles and moves Bucky’s hand away. “I’ve gotta clean you up, I’ll be right back,” he whispers as Bucky snuggles his head into the pillows.

Bucky feels the wet cloth when Steve returns, but he’s too tired to do anything or be even a little embarrassed, so he lets Steve clean him up as best he can, before he hears the light flick off and feels Steve snuggle in next to him, pulling Bucky’s back against his chest.

“Mmm…” Bucky melts with happiness at having Steve’s large, warm body wrapped round him.

“Welcome home, Buck,” Steve whispers to him.

Bucky hums in happy acknowledgment. “Mmm…how many times did you come, Stevie?” he murmurs sleepily.

Steve chuckles against his neck. “Seven.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awww they moved in! ❤️ Hope you liked it! Thank you so much for your amazing comments and kudos and reading it! x
> 
> Next chapter, Bucky goes to therapy and it doesn't go well. And more Peter! 
> 
> I'm catching up with myself now eek. Better go write more 😁


	18. Something Rotten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't take Bucky's hatred of therapy to heart. If therapy helps you that is awesome, I'm in no way commenting on that in real life, it's just how story Bucky feels.
> 
> Maybe a tiny warning for some self-hatred/PTSD/minor army injury talk, just in case.

“I think this is a really good thing,” Sam tells him as he types in Bucky’s appointment.

Bucky sighs at his overly proud tone. He finally went to see Sam and arrange a counselling appointment following Steve’s request and gentle nudging over the last couple of weeks. Sam highly recommends the guy, but Bucky still isn’t sure. “Yeah, it’s great, I’m on a journey to healing, blah blah blah,” he says, unable to not roll his eyes.

Sam stops typing and frowns at him. “Hey, I know you don’t rate therapy, but it helps a lot of people, alright?”

Bucky feels suitably reprimanded, cowering a little under Sam’s stern gaze. “I’m sorry,” he replies honestly. “I know that, I just…it’s never been helpful for me.” It really hasn’t. It’s not like he hasn’t tried before. He’s just never had a good experience with it.

Sam’s face softens, accepting his apology. “In fairness, you didn’t give it much of a go. And sometimes it takes a while to find the right fit, you know? Not every counsellor will work for every person.”

“Why can’t I just talk to you?” Bucky complains, slouching back in his chair.

Sam shrugs. “I mean, you can. Anytime. Not in a professional context. But experience tells me you won’t,” he says with a little raise of his eyebrows.

He’s right. Bucky has never and probably will never talk about things like his arm or the army with Sam or Logan or anyone. Even though he knows they’d understand, he just doesn’t do that. He lets out a breath. “At least this will get Steve off my back.”

Sam stops typing again. “That’s not the reason you’re doing this, is it?” he asks, looking concerned.

Bucky gives him a look. Obviously it is. He’d never do this out of choice.

Sam gives him a concerned look back. “You have to want to do this, man, you can’t just do it for Steve.”

Bucky frowns and looks away. “I’m doing my best here, Sam, alright. Don’t push it.” At least he’s here, why does it matter the reason?

Sam, luckily, backs off. “Alright,” he says with a little sigh. He gets out a pen and writes down Bucky’s appointment. “Three o’clock tomorrow. If you don’t come, I know where you live.”

Bucky takes the card with an eye roll, as if he’ll forget by tomorrow, and shoves it into his back pocket as he gets up.

“Speaking of, how’s that going? Living with Steve?” Sam asks, sliding out from behind his desk in his swivel chair, signaling this is friend Sam instead of counsellor Sam now.

Bucky smiles as he thinks about the last couple of weeks. Living with Steve is amazing. It’s everything he didn’t know he was missing. He’s been having so much fun just being with Steve every day. He keeps expecting to get sick of him, but it doesn’t happen. Sometimes he wonders if it’s the other way round and he’s being too clingy, but every time he tries to subtly give Steve some space, after a while, Steve always comes and finds him, like he’s happy to have Bucky around all the time.

Bucky does feel guilty that he’s not back working yet, and knows he needs to decide what he wants to do and find a job, but Steve managed to convince him to take his time with it, not wanting him to rush into anything. Bucky really appreciates that, as time is a luxury he’s never had before. He doesn’t like feeling like he’s mooching off Steve, as his savings have dwindled to practically nothing, but Steve truly seems to not mind. It feels amazing to have Steve in his corner like that and Steve seems convinced Bucky can do anything he sets his mind to. It’s been a long time since Bucky’s felt that was true but Steve’s confidence in him has his soaring.

It’s incredible how much closer they’ve grown in only a couple of weeks also, Bucky thinks. Steve finally showed Bucky his art the day after he moved in, when Bucky finally asked if he could see it when Steve was sketching in bed, feeling like if Steve was doing it right there, maybe he wouldn’t mind Bucky seeing it. As it turned out, Steve was happy to show him and Bucky wished he would have asked before, because he was amazed to see just how talented Steve is. He may have been overcome by the intensity of feelings that flooded him when Steve showed him a couple of sketches that he’d done of Bucky. He’d made Bucky look beautiful and Bucky could see how much Steve loves him right there on the page, and it blew him away.

It’s also been really fun helping to finish off the rooms in the house, because Steve was adamant he wants it to feel like _their_ house and is open to all Bucky’s suggestions. They even decided together to put in a little home gym in the previously unused basement, because Bucky wants to try and work out more and especially now he’s got his new prosthesis which he needs to keep the strength in his shoulder for. Plus he just feels more capable of doing it now as well as more motivated.

“Umm, Earth to Bucky,” Sam says, waving at him, pulling him out of his thoughts.

“Sorry,” he grins.

“I guess that means good then?”

Bucky looks down at the floor a little shyly, and then back at Sam. “Yeah, it does. It’s awesome. I just…I really love it.”

Sam smirks at him. “Well you definitely have the look of a man who’s getting laid on the regular.”

Bucky grins naughtily, thinking about all the naked time he’s spent with his chiseled god of a boyfriend lately. “Oh, you have no idea.”

Sam suddenly seems to realise what he’s opened himself up for. “And I don’t need to!” he protests, sliding back behind his desk.

“The other day, we were in the shower, and Steve did this thing with his tongue…” Bucky smiles evilly.

Sam covers his ears. “Nooo, can’t hear you, oh god, please stop. That’s a national icon you’re tarnishing!”

“If you only knew just how dirty he is,” Bucky grins, going into a bit of a daydream about the tongue thing and the shower, because while he’s winding Sam up, it’s also true. He feels his dick twitch a little and thinks he really needs to get home to Steve. He should be home soon enough from his meeting with the Avengers.

“Oh god, please just go,” Sam pleads with him.

Bucky shakes his head in mock disbelief. “Such a prude. You’ll never get Black Widow like that.”

Sam flips him off as Bucky departs, laughing as he goes.

 

****

 

Bucky’s been home for about two minutes when the doorbell goes. He goes back to the door and opens it to find Peter standing there.

“Um, hey, Mr…I mean, Bucky,” Peter says with a tentative smile.

“Hey, Peter, what are you doing here?” he asks, surprised.

Peter holds up a few envelopes. “Oh, I brought your mail. Aunt May said she said she’d forward any, but I figured I could just bring it by cause I was nearby and I thought it might be important.”

Bucky smiles gratefully. “Thanks, you didn’t have to do that, it’s real kind of you.” He takes the mail from Peter as he holds it out to him. He flips through it briefly and it all appears to be junk or catalogues from places that he doesn’t remember buying things from. “Do you want to come in, grab a drink?” he offers Peter, because he suddenly thinks it’s weird that Peter would think he needed this mail and make the effort to bring it over, and also he’s standing there with an odd expression on his face. Almost like he wants to say something but doesn’t know how to.

“I don’t want to bother you,” Peter says, except he sounds a little like he sort of does.

“It’s not a bother.” Bucky opens the door wider. “Come on in.”

Peter does, looking around at the house as Bucky shuts the door and leads him through to the kitchen. “Wow, this place is awesome.”

Bucky lets out an amused breath. “Yeah, bit of an upgrade from my studio, huh?” He looks in the fridge. “You want juice? We got orange and cranberry.”

“Um, orange please,” Peter requests politely, sliding onto a stool when Bucky gestures for him to sit as he pours out two glasses.

He waits to see if Peter will say something, but he doesn’t, so Bucky tries going first. “So how’s it going? Is your aunt okay?”

Peter nods and takes a sip of his juice when Bucky passes it to him. “She’s good.” He looks around a little. “How’s Steve?”

Bucky eyes him curiously, trying to figure out why he’s here. “Also good,” he says with a little smile.

“Is he here?” Peter asks, voice innocent. Too innocent.

“No,” Bucky says, eyeing him, feeling a little bemused, because at least now he’s figured out Peter came to see Steve. “He’s meeting the Avengers, but he’ll be back soon. Did you need him for something?”

Peter shifts, looking uncomfortable.

“Peter, whatever it is, you can tell me,” he offers gently.

Peter shakes his head and suddenly downs the rest of his juice. “It’s cool, I just came to give you the mail. I better get going,” he says, already on his feet and then heading for the hallway.

Bucky follows him, feeling a little worried. “Are you sure?”

“Uh huh,” Peter says, reaching the front door. “Thanks Mr. Barnes,” he says, turning his head to look at Bucky.

“Um, yeah, thanks for the mail,” Bucky says, because he’s not too sure what to say or what’s up with Peter. He doesn’t want to be pushy. He’s kinda friends with the kid, but he’s not sure if it’s really his place to get involved, especially if Peter doesn’t want to talk to him.

Peter turns back to the door and puts his hand on the doorknob and then suddenly pauses. Then he lets go and turns back to face Bucky. “So I’m Spider-Man,” he says, out of the blue.

Bucky blinks at him. “You’re what now?”

Peter winces a little. “I’m, um, Spider-Man?”

“That’s…cool?” Bucky tries. He’s got no idea what Peter is talking about, but he can see from Peter’s face that it’s a big deal Peter’s telling him this.

Peter’s face falls at his lack of recognition. “You know…Spider-Man? Friendly neighbourhood vigilante, who helps those in trouble?”

Bucky eyes him carefully. “Aren’t you a little…young to be a vigilante?” _And tiny_ , he adds in his head.

“You don’t believe me?” Peter complains.

“I mean, I’m sure I would, if I knew what Spider-Man was?” Bucky replies with a little grimace. He can tell this is important to Peter, but he’s really not getting it. _Is Peter trying to help people like Steve helps people? That’s a pretty dumb idea, he’ll get himself hurt._ “Maybe I should call your aunt?” Bucky suggests, reaching over to his jacket where he left his phone in the pocket.

Suddenly he can’t move his hand. He looks at it in shock. Peter moved his arm lightning fast and now Bucky’s hand is stuck to his jacket with some weird, white stringy substance. Almost like a spider’s web. “What the fuck?” he states, narrowing his eyes at it and then looking at Peter, trying to yank his hand free.

“Don’t call Aunt May,” Peter says, lowering his arm. “Please.”

Bucky yanks his hand again but only succeeds in pulling his jacket down from the hook, phone clattering to the floor, as he drags the jacket along, bouncing it up and down in the air where it’s still attached to his hand. “Peter, are you trying to tell me you have powers?” he asks, giving up on his hand.

Peter gives him a hesitant smile. “Surprise?”

 

****

 

“Spider-Man?” Steve says, frowning at Peter where he’s sitting on the sofa in their living room, across from him and Bucky.

Steve had come home to find Peter was visiting, which was fine with him, except then Bucky told him that Peter wanted to speak to him specifically, which both confused and intrigued him. And now he’s sitting there, saying he’s Spider-Man. It’s not really how he thought this day was going to go.

“Yeah, you know?” Peter sighs, with an almost pout on his face. “Friendly neighbourhood spider…” He trails off sadly.

Steve gives Bucky a part amused and part concerned look. Bucky just looks amused, but like he’s trying not to. He’s no help at all.

Steve focuses on Peter again. “I know who Spider-Man is.”

“Yeah, Bucky didn’t eith…Wait? You do?” he asks, eyes wide as he realises what Steve said.

“Tony’s been watching you.” He’s seen the footage of a guy dressed in blue and red, doing heroic things. Tony’s been obsessed with figuring out who it is, though with looking for Hydra, it got put on the back burner.

Peter’s face turns pink. “Mr. Stark?” he stutters. “Mr. Stark has been looking for me?”

“How did this happen to you?” Steve asks, saying his thoughts out loud as he thinks of the footage he’s seen. If Peter is Spider-Man, he’s incredibly strong and fast and seems to swing between buildings with ease.

“Oh, you know, radioactive lab spider bite, the usual,” Peter says, blasé. “Mr. Stark has really been looking for me?” he steers the conversation back, incredulous.

Bucky chuckles. “I guess we know who Peter’s favourite Avenger is.”

“I…no, I didn’t mean,” he stumbles over his words, looking wide-eyed at Bucky. “You’re super cool too,” he tells Steve, looking at him again.

Steve lets out an amused huff and leans back. “Thanks, kid.” He pauses for a moment. “So why did you decide to tell us?” he asks, curious. His first instinct is to tell Peter to stop this, that he’s too young to be putting himself in danger like this, but he can somehow tell that won’t stop him.

Peter looks down at the floor. “I, um…it’s sorta…it’s…no one else knows about me.” He looks up, looking a little sad. “I can’t tell Aunt May, cause I know how much she’ll worry, and I just thought…well, you have powers too, and Bucky totally loves you, so I thought you might be cool.”

Steve looks over at Bucky and raises an eyebrow in amusement. “You totally love me?”

Bucky rolls his eyes. “Apparently,” he says, shaking his head.

Steve turns back to Peter again. “I appreciate that you think I’m cool, but I think you know what I’m going to say. You’ve gotta stop this. You’re way too young to be doing something like this.”

Peter frowns at him. “No I’m not.”

“You’re just a kid. You could get really hurt. It’s very brave of you to try and help people, but there are other ways to do that,” Steve tries to convince him, while feeling a little hypocritical, thinking back to when he put himself in harm’s way constantly when he was young, when he felt someone needed his help or a bully needed standing up to.

Peter stands up. “I’m not a kid. I…I know what I’m doing.”

Steve stands too. “I know you think that, but—”

“I’m good!” Peter exclaims. He looks at Bucky. “Tell him, tell him how I stuck your metal arm and you couldn’t get free!”

Bucky’s still sitting and just shakes his head, lifting his hands, looking at them both. “I’m not a superhero, I think I’m sitting this one out.”

“You stuck something to his arm?” Steve frowns, seeing Bucky roll his eyes in response to his concern.

“I’m not stopping,” Peter says defiantly. “I’m helping people and I’m careful, I swear.”

Steve looks at Bucky, imploring him for help.

Bucky just helpfully shakes his head at him. “You think I didn’t already have this conversation with him? Kid’s gonna do what he wants to do.”

Peter nods, looking slightly surprised that Bucky’s on his side. “Exactly. I just thought it would be cool to have someone to talk to about it, but…” He stops, looking inordinately disappointed.

Steve looks at Bucky again, trying to figure out what the hell he’s supposed to do here, but his boyfriend is no help. He tries to think of something and then does something he very rarely does, and gives in. He lets out a long sigh and looks at Peter. “You want to meet Tony?”

 

****

 

“Do you think I did the right thing?” Steve asks, tone worried, as they lie in bed that night.

Bucky looks over at him, holding his place in his book as he puts it on his lap. “With Peter?”

Steve nods, face marred by worry.

“Honestly, I think Tony seems like he has it handled.” Peter had been so excited to meet Tony when they took him to the soon to be defunct Avengers Tower, and Tony had played it cool, but Bucky could tell how interested he was in Peter’s abilities. “I think Tony will keep Peter’s best interests at heart at least. He’s gonna do what he wants either way, so at least this way he’ll have Tony looking out for him.” Tony had already started discussing Peter’s Spider-Man getup, if discussing meant insulting it, and Bucky’s pretty sure Peter’s going to have his own flashy suit in no time.

“And us,” Steve adds.

Bucky smiles wryly. “And us,” he confirms. “Though I’m pretty sure Peter forgot we exist the minute he shook Tony’s hand.”

Steve moves over and nuzzles into Bucky’s neck. “No one could ever forget you,” he murmurs, placing a kiss just below Bucky’s ear. “Just look at you,” he says with a little wonder in his tone.

Bucky rolls his eyes to himself. He wonders if Steve will ever not make him feel like the most special person on the planet. If he’s honest with himself, he doesn’t know how he lived without Steve’s adorable sappiness before. “I’m pretty sure Peter’s not looking at me the way you do,” he smirks. “Which is a very good thing.”

Steve shifts, clambering over so he’s on top of Bucky now, knees either side of his hips. “Mmm, you have a point there,” he says, looking down at Bucky with an admiring smile.

Bucky bats him on the leg. “I’m trying to read, get off me,” he says, lifting his book again.

“But Buck…” he whines a little, and Bucky looks up to see him actually pouting. Ugh, Bucky hates when he does that, he looks so adorable.

Bucky shakes his head at him anyway. “We live together now, you have to get used to less and less sex from this point on. It’s like we’re an old married couple now,” he jokes.

Bucky doesn’t miss the way Steve’s eyes suddenly soften for a moment when he says that, but then Steve smiles slyly. “Who said anything about sex? But now you mention it…” he murmurs, running his hand down Bucky’s t-shirt covered chest.

“You’re literally insatiable, Rogers,” Bucky fake scolds him.

Steve smirks at him. “Can you honestly blame me? I’ve got the most gorgeous man on the planet in my bed…how could I possibly just lie next to him and read?”

Bucky looks at him sheepishly. “That’s what I was doing,” he says with a little shrug and smile.

Steve beams at him and leans in to kiss him just above his left eyebrow. Then he moves over to fall back against his pillow, lying next to Bucky. “You’re right. You’ve had a hard day, you deserve a chance to relax.” He plucks Bucky’s book from his hand while Bucky lets out a noise of protest, but then Steve lifts his arm, nodding towards Bucky.

“What?” Bucky asks, frowning at him, while also wondering what about his day constituted ‘hard’.

“Come tuck in here,” Steve says, gesturing. “I’m gonna read to you.”

Bucky looks at him, slightly incredulous. “Really?” he asks, with a raised eyebrow.

“Mhm,” Steve murmurs, so Bucky sighs and moves to tuck himself against Steve’s chest under his arm. “I’m really proud of you for making that appointment today,” he says as his hand strokes over Bucky’s shoulder.

“Yeah, yeah,” Bucky brushes him off. That wasn’t the hard part. It’s the actual going that’s hard. But he doesn’t want to think about that now, not when he’s all snuggled up and warm in Steve’s arms. “C’mon then, get to it,” he says, nodding at the book.

Steve kisses his hair and then lifts the book and starts reading from where Bucky points out that he was up to. His voice is so soothing, Bucky finds himself instantly melting, hearing the rumble in Steve’s chest as he reads and starts stroking Bucky’s hair. “I’d been raised to be confident and see no limits, to believe I could go after and get absolutely anything I wanted. And I wanted everything...”

 

****

 

The hard part comes around way too quickly. All too soon, it’s the next afternoon and he’s sitting uncomfortably in his new therapist’s office, staring somewhere just above the guy’s head as he explains how this thing works. All Bucky can think is that he’d rather be anywhere but here.

They start slow at least. Bucky doesn’t have to say much. He vaguely mumbles about how his friends are worried about him. When the guy, Hank, asks why, he just says that he was in the army. Hank asks him some basic questions after that. Nothing Bucky can’t handle. Maybe if this is as deep as they go, then he can handle therapy, he thinks, as he leaves the session feeling better than he did going there, but most of that is due to relief.

When Steve asks how it went, he says it went okay, because he does feel it was okay. Steve seems happy enough with that answer.

He’s got another session booked for the same time the week after. Hank wants them to have a regular schedule, saying it will be good for Bucky’s progress. He goes to it with a little less trepidation. It turns out the first session, Hank was clearly trying to ease him in, because this time he’s a little pushier. He asks about Bucky’s accident. Bucky tries and tells him the basics. Nothing about how it felt. Just about what happened, in very simple terms. He explains how he feels a lot better about it now he has his new shiny arm and now he’s part robot. Hank doesn’t laugh. Bucky doesn’t like that. He feels like Hank is trying to look through him, but he doesn’t even know the guy, so why the hell should he open up to him? He doesn’t tell his friends or Steve any of this stuff, so why the hell would he tell a stranger?

He leaves the second session feeling a little angry. He takes a long walk and ends up at his favourite ice cream place. It helps to calm him down a bit. He figures maybe every week won’t be like this. He can try again. Steve wants him to, so he can try. Maybe he should open up a little. Maybe he’s being too stubborn?

When he gets home, Steve is there again asking how it went. He nods and tells him it was fine, then disappears to go and shower so he can have some time alone.

He feels a little subdued for the next week. Whenever Steve seems to notice, Bucky just distracts him with kisses or other things though. He doesn’t want to talk about it. He tries to think of other things. He tries to tell himself he’s doing this for Steve. Because Steve is worried about him, so Bucky needs to get help. He can do that.

Another week rolls by and Bucky dutifully takes himself off to his session with Hank. He’s really going to try this time. If Hank wants him to talk, he’s going to talk. That’s what he’s going for, right?

Bucky comes home from his session in the worst mood he’s had in a long time. He did it—he opened up—and now he feels like hell.

For the first time, he wishes he still had his own place, because he really doesn’t feel like being around anyone, and especially not Steve right now. He hates talking about the past, because talking about it brings it up again, makes it feel raw again, and sends him spiraling again. He hates it. And because of that, he kinda hates Steve right now, because it’s his fault. He’s the reason Bucky agreed to go, after all. He wonders how many more sessions will count as ‘for a while’ like Steve requested. Maybe he can just go and sit there and not even attempt to talk anymore? It’s not like his counsellor could tell Steve that—it's all confidential. There’s no way he can try again like he did today. He feels like a raw nerve, like every movement tears at him, every minor thing setting him on edge.

“Hey, Buck, how was it?” Steve asks as he appears in the hallway from the dining room, just as Bucky’s got his jacket off.

Christ, he can’t even have a minute to get inside the damn house before Steve’s on him. “Fine,” Bucky bites out, hanging his jacket up, not bothering to look at Steve.

“Do you want some tea?” Steve asks, tone cautious now.

“No,” Bucky replies, almost spitting the word out. He moves past Steve to the stairs and heads down to the basement. Apparently Steve knows what’s good for him as Bucky doesn’t hear him following him.

Bucky grabs a glove and makes his way to the punching bag Steve set up. They finished making the little gym area down there and Bucky really feels like punching something. It’s good for him anyway. He’s supposed to make sure the left arm continues to work correctly and punching things with it seems like an excellent way to find out.

He hits the bag until his shoulders are aching and the knuckles on his right hand hurt, even through the glove. He’s been holding nothing back with the right, but the left he’s pretty good at judging now. He could probably burst the bag with the left if he really tried, so he holds back on that side. He starts hitting a little harder with his left to compensate for the right hand hurting, taking note of just how hard he can go.

He’s so focused on it, he doesn’t really hear Steve’s footsteps as he eventually makes his way downstairs.

“Buck?”

He does register Steve saying his name, but he doesn’t bother looking over and he just keeps punching.

“You think maybe you wanna pack it in for today?” Steve asks.

“Nope,” Bucky grunts out, before hitting the bag again with his left.

“You’ve been down here for over an hour,” Steve replies, voice full of concern.

Bucky doesn’t need his concern. He’s sick of everyone’s concern for him. If people weren’t so concerned and would leave him the fuck alone, he wouldn’t be feeling like this right now. Like he wants to peel his fucking skin off.

“Steve. Go away,” Bucky says bluntly. He’s so in his own head, he doesn’t even care what he’s saying anymore. He just wants to be left alone.

Steve suddenly appears in front of him, stepping between him and the bag, and Bucky only just has a second to stop himself going for another punch, but he manages. He stands there breathing heavily, hair all sweaty and sticking to his face, and tries to brush it away with his gloved hand, having learnt the hard way that getting hair stuck in his metal finger joints hurts like hell. “Move,” he says, finally looking at Steve and glaring at him.

“Wouldn’t you rather hit the thing you’re actually mad at?” Steve replies. He’s got this stern face going on now.

Bucky rips at the velcro of his glove, pulling it off and discarding it to the floor. “I don’t think I want to break my hand, thanks,” he says, already turning and walking away.

Steve follows after him. “I’m pretty sure the metal one could do some damage to me.”

“You really think I’d hit you?” Bucky asks, narrowing his eyes, wishing Steve would just back off. He might be really angry, he might feel like screaming at Steve until his lungs give out, but he would never ever touch him like that.

Steve gets right into his space, blocking him from the stairs. “I don’t know, Buck. You kinda seem like you want to.”

Bucky doesn’t back down. There are plenty of other ways to hurt Steve and he knows the best ones. “I don’t hit people, _Cap_ ,” he says, saying the nickname as spitefully as he can. “That’s your thing.”

Steve does look like Bucky just socked him in the face. He stands there looking stunned. Bucky takes the opportunity to push past him and stomp up the stairs.

He heads up the second flight too, and it’s only when he gets to their room that he realises he has no idea what to do now. He slams the door behind him and then looks around the room. This stupid room that used to be Steve’s and is now _theirs_ , and then his eyes catch on the photo of them that Steve framed and keeps on the desk, because Steve is _that_ kind of sap, and he just loses it. He sinks to the floor right where he’s standing just to the side of the door and starts crying.

He starts thinking about being trapped again, and that feeling of suffocating, of dust snaking its way into his lungs, comes back so clear it’s like it’s happening again. He tries to keep breathing, trying to get air with these harsh little breaths. He starts remembering the blood and the pain, his arm hanging by a thread, and then the picture blurs and blends and he’s back with his army unit and he’s just seen his friend getting shot in the head, brain matter exploding across onto him. He thinks he might vomit, but nothing comes out, just tears and choking breaths.

He doesn’t know how long he’s there. It could be minutes of flashbacks or it could be hours. He only knows that at some point his brain brings him back to present day, finally pushing down the blood-soaked images, and then he remembers how awful he was to Steve. _Oh god…_

A knock on the door interrupts him. “Hey,” a voice says as the door opens carefully.

“Stevie?” Bucky looks up, rubbing at his eyes so he can see through the tears, to find it isn’t Steve. “Sam?” he says with surprise.

Sam’s concerned eyes find him there on the floor. He crouches down next to him. “Hey, man,” he says with a long exhale when he sees the state of him.

“What are you doing here?” Bucky chokes out. He can’t even feel embarrassed at the state of himself, he’s way past that.

Sam looks at him with sad eyes. “Steve called. He was really worried.”

Bucky trembles and tears start again, not that they really stopped. “Oh god, Sam, I was horrible to him.” Then he starts really panicking. “Oh god, did he leave, is he going to leave me?” he asks, breath coming in choking gasps, grabbing at Sam’s arm.

“Hey, hey,” Sam says soothingly, rubbing his hand on Bucky’s arm. “He’s right downstairs. He didn’t think you wanted to talk to him.”

Bucky looks at Sam with wide, panicked eyes. “No, I do, I need him. Please…please tell him. I want him, please,” Bucky all but begs Sam. He needs Steve there, he does. He doesn’t deserve even a second of Steve’s presence, but he needs it.

“Okay. I’ll go get him,” Sam promises. He passes Bucky a tissue from his bedside table as he gets up and Bucky tries valiantly to wipe his face as he hears Sam head back down the stairs.

His heart pounds as he hears footsteps as Steve comes up without Sam. He looks up at Steve’s big presence as he fills the doorway. He looks part troubled and part terrified. Bucky hates himself for causing that pain.

“Stevie?” His voice comes out very small, almost like a whimper as he nervously meets Steve’s eyes.

Steve crouches down immediately so he’s at Bucky’s level. “I’m here,” he says softly.

“I’m sorry,” Bucky chokes out, staring at him. “I’m so, so sorry.” His tears start again.

“Bucky…” Steve breathes, and then he wraps his arms around Bucky as best he can, what with Bucky’s legs tucked up against his chest the way they are.

Bucky shudders as he sobs in Steve’s arms, clinging desperately onto him. “Oh god, please don’t leave, please don’t leave me,” he mumbles into Steve’s chest.

Steve lets out a massive breath. “No, baby, god no. I’m here.” He squeezes Bucky tighter and then sits down on the floor properly, pulling Bucky over onto his lap. Bucky clutches his shirt, pressing his face into Steve’s chest again as Steve holds him tightly.

It seems to take an age before Bucky can breathe right and his tears stop again. He didn’t even know his body had that much water to cry. When he finally starts thinking straight, Steve is still there, patiently holding him, eyes looking so caring, it cuts into Bucky’s chest, because he knows he doesn’t deserve him and never will.

He paws pointlessly at Steve’s chest, as if that will keep him there.

“Bucky?” Steve speaks for the first time in a while. “What can I do? What do you need?”

Bucky shifts so he can look properly at him. “I promise I’ll try harder, Stevie, I will. I didn’t mean…those things I said, I’m sorry I hurt you. I…it wasn’t you.”

Steve’s forehead creases with worry. “It was my fault. You needed time and I pushed. I was worried and I just went all in without thinking because I was worried about you.”

Bucky’s shaking his head furiously before Steve even finishes. “No, no, no, you didn’t do anything wrong. I was such an asshole. God, why do you even stay with me? You should be with someone who treats you well, who would never say that sort of crap to you.” He’s too broken. Steve needs someone whole and right and normal. Bucky’s none of those things.

Steve moves his warm hand to Bucky’s cheek. “Sweetheart, you made one comment, one time, when you were clearly not in the right frame of mind, and it wasn’t even that bad. I forgave you two seconds after you said it.” He sighs and moves his hand. “I’m the one who needs forgiving. It’s not like I don’t know what you’re going through. I should have known not to push. And if therapy isn’t helping, you don’t have to go. That’s on me. I know you were just going to keep me happy. There’s no law that says it works for everyone and that’s okay. It’s okay if you don’t go back.” He pushes back Bucky’s hair from his face as he looks at him with those warm eyes of his.

Bucky feels immensely guilty. “Please don’t. I’m a grown man, I should be in control of myself. I shouldn’t ever talk to you like that.” God, Steve deserves so much better than him. “I don’t deserve you,” he almost whispers as though saying the words might make Steve decide that’s true.

Steve moves his hand back to Bucky’s face, thumb caressing gently. “Don’t do that. I don’t want you thinking like that.” He catches Bucky’s eyes, making him meet his. “You’re everything I want,” he says emphatically. “Can we just agree we maybe both handled this badly and move on?”

Bucky lets out a breath. “Okay…okay, yes, we can do that.” He looks into Steve’s loving eyes and counts his blessings that somehow this incredible man decided to love him.

“Guys?” Sam’s voice comes up the stairs. “When you’re ready, I made tea.”

God bless Sam fuckin’ Wilson. Bucky lets out a little laugh while Steve breaks into a smile.

“Okay, thanks!” Steve calls back to him.

Steve stands, helping Bucky to his feet, but keeps him close for a moment. “Just to be clear,” he says, looking into Bucky’s eyes, “I’m never going to leave you. Not for this, not for anything. I love you, sweetheart.”

“I love you,” Bucky says, pressing himself into Steve’s chest, feeling like he could cry again, because he believes every word Steve says, even if it doesn’t make sense that Steve feels that way about him.

After a little while of just holding each other, Bucky goes to wipe his face, Steve waiting, before they head back downstairs to find Sam in the kitchen.

Sam smiles at them both, twisting on his seat at the counter. “Everything okay?” he asks, looking at their entwined hands.

Bucky nods but Steve speaks first. “I’m sorry I bothered you. I panicked a little bit,” he says sheepishly.

Sam shrugs as he gets up. “It’s what I’m here for.” He gives Bucky a hug. “I’m gonna leave you guys to it, but we’ll talk later?”

Bucky nods again. “Thanks.” He loves that Sam can sense that they need time together and that he doesn’t even seem bothered that Steve dragged him over here. He’s the best friend Bucky could ever ask for.

Sam hugs Steve as well, surprising both of them a little. “Alright…you two look after each other. I’ll let myself out,” he says as he heads off, Steve thanking him again.

Bucky picks up the tea Sam left and takes a small sip. “So, um, what do we do now?” he asks tentatively.

Steve looks curious as he joins him and picks up his own mug that Sam left him. “What do you mean?”

Bucky looks down at the floor, feeling ashamed. “I mean, you wanted me to go to therapy and stuff. What happens if I don’t?” He can’t help the worry in his voice.

“Hey,” Steve frowns, reaching out and covering Bucky’s metal hand where it rests on the counter. “Nothing happens. Like I said, if it’s not for you, then it’s not. I don’t want you to force it.” He looks into Bucky’s eyes, his eyes full of concern.

Bucky nods. “Okay,” he says softly. “I don’t…I don’t want to go there anymore,” he admits. He feels like a failure for saying it, but he feels safe with Steve—he knows it’s okay to tell him that and that Steve won’t think less of him.

Steve nods and puts his mug down. “Okay. Then you won’t. We’ll work this out together. I know how strong you are and I know you can handle this, but I want to help. Is that okay?” he asks gently.

“Yeah,” Bucky says, mouth feeling a little dry. “That’s okay.”

Steve looks at him for a moment like he’s thinking of something. “Do you want to come out to the Avengers facility with me tomorrow?”

After Sokovia, they got a new place somewhere upstate, Bucky knows, but he hasn’t been there. There’s not really any reason for him to go there. He nods easily though. “If you want me to.”

Steve smiles and squeezes his hand—Bucky feels the pressure against the metal increase. “I do. There’s someone I want you to meet.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took a little longer than usual! I've had a busy week. Thank you so much for reading and commenting and kudosing, let me know what you think? x
> 
> I promise this does have an end in sight. Maybe seven or eight chapters left ish. In theory.


	19. Exit Wounds

The new facility is in the middle of nowhere and is far bigger than the tower, and Bucky finds it a little intimidating. It’s weird to think that this is where Steve will be travelling to whenever the Avengers call. It’s also weird when he meets Jarvis in real life. Except Steve introduces him as Vision, but Bucky can’t see him as anything but Jarvis. It’s very strange to think that the computer program he used to talk to is now a real person. Bucky shakes his hand, trying not to look too amazed, before watching him float away.

Steve gives him a little smile like he finds Bucky’s astonishment amusing. “Here, there’s one more person I want you to meet,” he says, having already taken him round to say hi to Tony, Clint and Natasha. He leads Bucky to the main living area for the Avengers who stay at the facility.

There’s a small form sitting curled up on the large black sofa that Bucky recognises as Wanda as they get closer, from Steve’s description of her. His first thought is that she looks beautiful but sad. Though her face shows interest and she looks friendly as they approach, her eyes hold a deep sadness to them.

“Wanda, this is Bucky,” Steve speaks as they come to a stop in front of her, where she’s gotten up from the sofa as they arrived. “Bucky, this is Wanda.”

“Hi,” Bucky says, putting out his hand, with what he hopes is a friendly smile on his face. He used to be so good at meeting people, and he can finally feel himself getting back to that place. He feels far less nervous than he did when he first met Natasha and Clint at least.

“Hello,” Wanda says back, and she reaches out and shakes his hand gently, looking curiously at him.

“Oh!” Steve says as though he’s just remembered something. “I just need to go and see Tony for a minute. Is it okay if I leave you here for a sec, Buck?” he asks.

Bucky gives him a look, so Steve knows that he knows Steve’s bullshitting right now and for some reason wants to leave him alone with Wanda. “Sure,” Bucky replies lightly anyway.

Steve smiles and kisses him on the cheek. “Be right back,” he says, and then he’s gone down the stairs, leaving them alone.

Wanda gestures for him to sit down as she does, so they sit on opposite ends of the leather sofa, a little awkwardly.

“So, Steve says you’ve been living here?” Bucky starts, trying to make conversation. “How’re you liking it?”

Wanda shrugs at him. “It’s very different to what I’m used to,” she tells him, an accent evident in her voice. Bucky thinks it sounds almost Russian, then remembers she’s from Sokovia.

“Well, you’re welcome to come visit me and Steve in the city if you want to get away from here,” Bucky offers. “You ever been to New York?”

Wanda shakes her head and looks down for a moment. “That’s very kind of you, but I wouldn’t want to intrude.”

Bucky smiles, a little bemused. She’d be the first Avenger he’s met who doesn’t then. The others, with the exception of Bruce, tend to just show up whenever they feel like it. Bucky’s gotten used to it. “You guys are like Steve’s family. You wouldn’t be intruding.” He pauses, suddenly remembering something. “Um, I was sorry to hear about your brother,” he adds gently, because Steve told him about what happened.

Wanda looks surprised and her eyes darken. “Thank you,” she replies softly.

“You know, we’re actually going back to the city soon, why don’t you come with us?” The offer is out of Bucky’s mouth before he thinks it through because Wanda seems so sad, he can’t stand it. To have come from Sokovia and then just to this facility, having suffered such a loss—both her brother and her home—it can’t be good for her. Sure, he hasn’t spent much time here, but it doesn’t seem homely. And Wanda seems so young and lost and Bucky suddenly feels a weird need to look after her, and then he realises it’s because she reminds him a little of Becca. “Seriously,” he adds, because she’s looking at him like she doesn’t know if he’s just being polite, and now he really can’t stand the idea of leaving her here.

“I…do you think Steve will mind?” she asks hesitantly.

“He’ll be thrilled,” Bucky promises her. “We finally decorated one of the guest rooms and we haven’t had anyone stay yet.” He tries to give her a reassuring smile.

An actual little smile appears on Wanda’s face. “I would like that,” she says softly, playing with the hem of her dress.

“Great,” Bucky beams. “Do you want to go pack a bag for a few days?”

She nods, somewhat eager but shy, getting up from the sofa. “I’ll just be a minute.”

“No rush,” Bucky smiles encouragingly.

He pulls out his phone while he waits and sends Becca a quick text to see if she wants to come to dinner sometime in the next couple of days. She and Wanda are about the same age, Bucky figures, and maybe it’ll be nice for Wanda to meet someone new. Plus Becca can be an absolute sweetheart when she wants to be and Bucky knows she’ll make Wanda feel welcome.

Wanda arrives back in only a few minutes, with a small duffel bag in her hand. She gives him a small smile and they sit and wait for Steve to come back, while Wanda asks a few non-probing questions about his and Steve’s relationship, like asking how they met. Bucky really loves that story so he’s happy to tell it.

“He decorated the whole place?” Wanda says incredulously, just as Steve arrives back.

“Hey,” Steve smiles at them, and Bucky can tell he’s pleased to see them getting along.

“You bought him a Christmas tree?” Wanda grins at him.

Steve looks slightly surprised and then looks over at Bucky with a doting smile. “You telling stories about me?”

Bucky shrugs, mirth in his eyes. “Just the ones where you’re a giant sap.”

Steve rolls his eyes, making a loud exasperated noise. “Watch it or you won’t have any new stories to tell.”

Bucky gives Steve an unconvinced look. “Says the man who got me flowers last weekend, _just because_ ,” he teases.

“You two are very sweet,” Wanda chips in, looking between the two of them. “And he _is_ a sap,” she adds with a gleeful grin to Bucky. “He talks about you all the time.”

Bucky’s heart beats faster and he feels all warm and fuzzy inside. “Does he now?” he grins at Steve with a little eyebrow raise.

Steve goes bright red, while Bucky just continues to grin. “Are we ready to go?” he asks Steve, saving him from his embarrassment, and Steve nods, looking thankful.

“Great.” He gets up from the sofa, gesturing for Wanda to as well, and notices Steve noticing her bag. “Wanda’s going to come back with us to stay for a few nights, okay?” He says it as more of a statement and tries to convey with his eyes to Steve that it’s not really a request. He’s sure Steve won’t have a problem with it.

Steve looks surprised, but does a good job reigning it in quickly. “That sounds great. We can show you the city,” he says, smiling at Wanda, and Bucky’s once again struck by what a great boyfriend he has. He’s looking so warmly and invitingly at Wanda, it makes Bucky want to crush him in a hug for so quickly picking up on exactly what Wanda needs.

Wanda seems bolstered by his reaction. “Thank you, I would like that. I’ll just say goodbye to Viz.” She heads off down the stairs quickly.

Steve watches her go and then turns to Bucky when she’s gone. “How did you do that?” he asks, wrapping his arms round Bucky’s waist.

“Do what?” Bucky frowns, while taking in all the little details on his gorgeous boyfriend’s face as he gazes at him.

“You made her smile. I haven’t seen her smile before.” Steve looks at Bucky like he’s a miracle worker.

“Wasn’t that your plan, with leaving me alone with her?” Bucky raises an eyebrow at him.

“Not really,” Steve huffs in amusement. “I thought you might get along and it would be nice for her to talk to someone nor…” He suddenly cuts himself off.

Bucky lets out an amused chuckle. “You can say normal, Stevie, it’s fine.”

Steve looks embarrassed even so. “I just meant a non-Avenger. You’re extraordinary,” he says emphatically, staring into Bucky’s eyes.

“Thought you weren’t gonna be a giant sap anymore,” Bucky replies, giving him a sly little smile, still hugely affected by Steve’s words and the way he looks at him with such affection. He wonders if Steve will ever not make him flustered.

Steve rolls his eyes at Bucky’s teasing. “It’s apparently impossible around you.”

Bucky grins and presses a little kiss to Steve’s lips. “It _is_ okay that I invited her back, right?” he falters slightly. He didn’t mean to make the decision for both of them, but he couldn’t stop himself offering.

“Of course it is. I think it’s a great idea,” Steve promises, pushing Bucky’s hair back from his face.

They both turn their heads and Steve releases him as they hear Wanda come back up the stairs.

She smiles, only a little tentatively this time. “I’m ready.”

 

****

 

Showing Wanda around the city turns out to be some of the most fun Bucky feels like he’s had in ages. He never really spends time just enjoying where he lives anymore, having spent a lot of time inside since his accident, but taking Wanda around everywhere and seeing her react to different places…her enthusiasm seems to rub off on Bucky too.

Becca joins them on the day they head to Central Park, when it’s blisteringly hot, and they lie exhausted in the sun together, even Steve seeming to be a little affected by it for once.

They only get recognised twice, and Steve handles that well, allowing pictures with him while the others quietly move on to another location, Steve catching up when he’s done. One of them wants a picture with Bucky too, once she realises who he is, but Steve politely declines that for him, stating Bucky’s safety as the reason and luckily she takes it well. She’s really nice about it, in fact, telling Steve what a great couple she thinks they are.

It’s a pretty perfect day even with Steve being recognised, Bucky thinks, just lying in the sun, eating ice creams and looking out at the lake. It reminds him a little of Steve’s birthday only a couple of weeks back when they went to Coney Island to watch the fireworks. It felt nice just being out near the water, feet in the sand. He starts to realise that maybe he closed himself off too much, not just from people, but from the outside world in general, and that maybe getting out in the open and around nature is helpful for him. He definitely feels calmer than he has in weeks.

Wanda seems to have come alive too. She hardly resembles the sad, quiet girl he met only two days ago already. She’s kind and thoughtful, if slightly cautious sometimes, and Bucky instantly likes her. He knows there’s nothing they can do to help her with her grief for her brother, but it feels good to know that getting her out here in the real world has seemed to help her somehow. Maybe it makes her feel more human, he muses. Steve told him about her powers, and he can only imagine how lonely she must feel most of the time, to be that strong and powerful, but to be viewed so differently by people because of it. He figures it’s good that she has the Avengers, but it’s still a form of self-segregation, spending all her time with only them, keeping her feeling different from everyone but them. But Becca is a godsend and treats her just as she would anyone else and she even gets Wanda laughing and it warms Bucky’s heart.

Steve keeps looking over at him and smiling any time Wanda looks happy. It makes Bucky happy to see Steve looking happy again. Everything’s been a little overwhelming lately, and not just for Bucky. Steve’s dealing with the fallout from Sokovia, both emotionally and politically, not to mention the fact that Bruce seems to have disappeared, which the Avengers are all worried about, and Steve all the more so. He’s been so stressed and troubled lately. Bucky hates himself that he’s done nothing but add to that stress, so he’s glad that Steve seems happy right now at least. It hurts him to think of Steve with the weight of the world on his shoulders all the time, so it feels really great to see Steve relaxing for once.

It’s such a good day, Bucky wishes it could last longer. They eventually return to their place for dinner. Becca heads off fairly late, with Steve insisting he walks with her to the subway. Bucky would have insisted also, but Becca’s apparently super pleased with getting to spend some time alone with Steve so Bucky rolls his eyes and lets them go.

Wanda hovers a little shyly as Bucky puts some coffee on and starts on the dishes. “Can I help?” she offers.

Bucky smiles at her, briefly musing if any of her powers mean this could get done faster, but he would never ask. “You want to dry?” he offers, and she nods and moves over to stand next to him as he passes her a dishcloth and they get to work together in comfortable silence on one of the most mundane and normal tasks they could do.

 

****

 

“Thanks for walking me.”

Steve smiles warmly at Becca as they walk. “Not a problem. Are you sure you don’t want me to take the subway with you?” he offers. It’s pretty late and she’s going from Brooklyn into Manhattan and Steve can’t help but worry.

Becca lets out a little amused huff. “I can take care of myself. Bucky taught me self-defense when I was fourteen.”

Steve raises his eyebrows with interest. “He did, huh?” Of course he did. There’s nothing Bucky won’t do to keep his sister safe, Steve knows. He envies them sometimes, seeing the relationship they share. He sometimes wonders what it would have been like to have a brother or sister.

“Bucky taught me you can only rely on yourself. He taught me how to be independent because he said at the end of the day, only you always have your back,” Becca says with a wistful grin, like she’s remembering the exact time Bucky told her that.

Steve smiles softly at that, looking down as they walk, hands in his pockets. “I don’t know about that. I’ve found that I can rely on people more often than I can’t,” he says, looking over at her.

Becca gives him a considered look. “I’m glad he can rely on you,” she says thoughtfully.

“Yeah?” Steve says hopefully. He wants Bucky to feel like he can rely on him for anything. He’ll always be there for him. Or at least, he always wants to be. His guilt over Sokovia still plagues him. He hates how much he scared Bucky.

“You love him, right?” Becca says bluntly.

Steve doesn’t mind the question. “More than anything,” he replies honestly.

She stops as they reach the subway entrance, turning to face Steve, the smell of slightly stale, warm air reaching them from the stairway. “Just…I know the whole Sokovia thing…I know you couldn’t have seen that whole thing coming, so don’t take this the wrong way, but just…when you’re out there, could you try and remember Bucky’s waiting for you?” she says carefully, expression a little pained.

Steve blinks, a little surprised. “I…” Steve starts but doesn’t get very far.

“I know what you do is important,” Becca continues, holding up her hand. “Don’t get me wrong, I know that. But if you’re with my brother, I just…I need him to be the most important thing to you. I want you out there fighting to get back to him with everything you have, okay?” she says firmly, eyes challenging as though he would disagree with that statement.

Steve looks back at her, meeting her gaze steadily. “He is. He’s the most important thing in my life, I promise you that.” He feels his voice shaking just a little with emotion, because he really can’t overstate that fact. When he thought he might lose Bucky after Sokovia, he even considered packing it all in, giving up being Captain America if he needed to, if it meant he could have Bucky. It still plays on his mind.

Becca seems to believe he’s genuine. “Well, good. He’s really happy since you moved in together and I want you to keep it that way,” she grins, more like her normal friendly Becca self that Steve has come to love.

“I’ll do my best,” Steve replies, relaxing a little.

Her face turns a little serious again. “It goes both ways too,” she comments. “I know Bucky can shut down sometimes and I know he still struggles with some things,” she says softly, looking at the ground. “He thinks I don’t know, but I do.” She looks up again, meeting Steve’s eyes. “Just…if that stuff gets hard sometimes, remember you’ve got people you can talk to too,” she says with a little smile.

“Thank you, Becca,” Steve tells her, genuinely touched by the fact that she cares about him too.

Becca shrugs, looking so much like Bucky when he does the same thing. It’s sometimes amazing how alike they are. “You can call me Becs. I think you’ve earned that,” she grins and leans in and hugs him, standing on her tiptoes, Steve earning a faceful of dark hair. “Thanks for walking me.” She pulls away and smiles. “Wanda’s awesome, tell me when she’s next in the city and we’ll do something.”

Steve nods. “I will. You get home safe.” He knows Bucky will check up on her to make sure later.

Becca rolls her eyes a little. “I will,” she parrots back. She waves as she descends the subway stairs and then she’s out of sight.

Steve heads back home, the night air still warm even though it’s late, Brooklyn still noisy as ever, even so, though maybe that’s just Steve’s enhanced hearing.

It’s been a great day. He had no real goal with taking Bucky to meet Wanda, other than to get Wanda to interact with a non-Avenger, having a gut feeling that she and Bucky might get on. He can’t help but feel protective of Wanda, because even with her immense power, she’s just a kid. But it’s been a good day. He decides then and there to bring Wanda to visit as often as she likes, because Bucky and Becca seem to like her, and Wanda seems to like them, and he suddenly wants Wanda to know that she doesn’t just have teammates. She has friends.

 

****

 

“Thank you for having me to stay,” Wanda speaks up part-way through the dishes.

Bucky passes her a fork and smiles. “You don’t have to thank me. It’s great to have you here. You can come anytime. Seriously,” he adds, giving her a look. He really wants Wanda to know that, because he truly means it. He really likes her.

She nods and smiles graciously. “I like the Avengers facility, but it was nice to get away. Becca’s really nice as well.”

“Yeah, she can be,” Bucky grins. “When she’s not being a pain in the ass.”

A little smile twitches on Wanda’s face. “It must be nice to have your sister so nearby,” she adds, voice softer this time.

Bucky stops washing for a moment. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think,” he says gently. Wanda must be missing her own brother terribly. Bucky might jokingly complain about Becca, but he doesn’t know what he’d do without her.

Wanda waves her hand, blinking a couple of times. “No, it’s fine. I just, I miss him a lot. It’s hard.” Her voice breaks a little on the last word.

Bucky can see she’s trying very hard to keep herself together. He shuts off the water, leaving the remaining dishes there and wipes his hands dry quickly on his dark grey pants, before gently placing his hand over Wanda’s where it’s resting on the counter.

She startles a little, looking at his hand and then at him with surprise.

Bucky hopes he’s not overstepping. “Do you…would you tell me about him? Your brother?” Bucky asks carefully, because he wonders if anyone has asked Wanda that, or if they’ve just left her alone with her grief.

Wanda puts the dishcloth down as Bucky moves his hand away. She looks at the counter, eyes glassy, looking like she doesn’t know if she can. But after a few moments, she does. “Pietro,” she says softly. “He was twelve minutes older, but I always had to keep him out of trouble.” A sad smile appears on her face now as she starts to carefully tell Bucky about him.

If she cries, just a little, and Bucky tears up, well…that’s between them.

 

****

 

When Steve gets home, he wanders into the kitchen to find Bucky and Wanda hugging. He’s so surprised, that he considers backing out the room quietly, except Wanda sees him and pulls away with a soft smile.

“I’m going to go up to bed now,” she tells them with a warm smile at Bucky and a nod at Steve as she passes him on her way out. “Thank you for today.”

Steve watches her go, in slight disbelief. “Everything okay?” he asks Bucky as he wanders down the couple of steps to him.

Bucky nods, taking a sip of coffee, looking thoughtful. “Yeah, I think it’s been a good day.”

Steve looks at him curiously, then wraps an arm round him and plants a kiss to his temple. “Thank you for being so great with her.” Bucky is so great with his friends, Steve is always amazed. Not that he didn’t think Bucky wouldn’t be, but the way he accepts them and treats them just as people, and not as enhanced people…it means a lot to Steve. It’s the same easy acceptance he had for Steve when he first revealed who he was. Steve had been bracing himself, ready for the worst, but after only a few moments of surprise, Bucky had seemed to accept if fully as just another thing about Steve and not the thing that defined who he is.

Bucky huffs in amusement. “It’s not a like it’s a burden, she’s really great. I think she likes it here.”

Steve gazes at him in appreciation. “Well thank you anyway.” He steals Bucky’s cup for a sip of his coffee. “Do you?” he can’t help asking, looking at Bucky’s sweet face scowling a little at the coffee thievery.

Bucky takes his cup back and looks at Steve curiously. “Do I what?”

“Like it here?” Steve asks softly.

Bucky’s face softens and he puts his cup down on the counter so he can wrap his arms around Steve’s neck. “Baby…I love it here,” he tells him, those gorgeous grey-blue eyes staring into Steve’s with complete honesty.

Steve can’t help the soppy smile that he knows appears on his face. “Yeah?”

Bucky’s eyes crinkle with his answering smile. “Of course I do. You’re here.”

Steve leans in to kiss him, reveling in Bucky’s soft lips on his. He never really knew he could be this happy, and to know that Bucky is happy too…it’s everything he wants. He wants Bucky to be happier than he ever thought he could be, just like Bucky’s made him. He wants nothing more. He wants this forever.

 

****

 

Things are good. Bucky feels secure in thinking that for once. He feels settled at Steve’s place that is now their place. He’s started to think of it as theirs now, a lot quicker than he thought he would. It feels like lots of things are starting to fall into place for him.

He tries his best to make peace with the fact that therapy just doesn’t work for him—it’s not who he is—and he starts to think that that’s okay. It’s good to have Steve’s support too. He’d felt so scared about letting him down, but Steve promised that wasn’t the case.

The fact is though, Bucky worries about how Steve worries about him. He knows Steve hates feeling powerless, not knowing how to help him. But Steve does his best to support Bucky, always ensuring he knows how much he’s loved, and tries to provide whatever Bucky needs him to, be that time alone or Steve there holding him. Sometimes they even just work on one of Steve’s jigsaw puzzles together—something Bucky picked up one day and finally realised why Steve finds it helpful. It gives him something to focus on.

So Bucky keeps trying to move forward. He tries to figure out the things that do work for him.

One of those things is being outside. He’s come to realise that it really helps him, and he tries to get himself outside more often now, not just to meet his friends at a bar or Becca for coffee. He goes out to Prospect Park most frequently, just to walk or go for a run. It helps keep his head clear, being out in nature, trying to take note of everything around him instead of staying focused on his own thoughts all the time.

Sometimes Steve comes with him, but often Bucky likes to go alone, usually when Steve’s away at the Avengers’ facility for work. Work is something Bucky finally figures out too when Logan, out of nowhere, offers him a job at his garage. Logan owns the place and one of his mechanics was leaving and he thought of Bucky. Logan had basically taught him everything he knew about cars when they were in the army and he felt with some training that Bucky could get up to the level he needed in no time. Bucky couldn’t think of anything better than working with his friend, doing something he enjoyed and something he thought he’d never be able to do again, but now he’s got his new prosthesis, it’s an avenue that’s open to him again.

Bucky can’t wait to surprise Steve with the news, so when he comes home, Bucky drags him out again so they can get ice cream at their favourite place in Brooklyn. It’s still hot out even though it’s past seven o’clock, and Bucky thinks back to the last time they did this together, when it was snowing outside.

Steve holds his hand as they walk, ice cream in the other, with a very restrained three scoops instead of four. Bucky can’t help looking at his hand, amazed that he can now do the same, holding Steve’s hand with his right and the cone in his metal one. It’s the little things that sometimes really get to him.

Bucky’s feet lead him to walk to his old place and Steve finishes his ice cream and smiles up at Bucky’s old window as they get there, squeezing Bucky’s hand. “Do you miss it?” he asks, turning his head towards him as they stop outside for a moment.

Bucky looks at the familiar building and he does. “Sometimes,” he admits. “Hey, how’s Peter doing?” he asks, thinking about May and hoping Peter’s being safe.

“He’s been hanging out with Tony a lot. Tony made him a new suit,” Steve says with a slightly concerned look. “He’s a good kid, but I worry about him. He’s really strong, but he’s still just a kid, you know?”

Bucky nods. “Yeah, but at least he’s got you guys looking out for him now.” He’s glad Peter has them now. It doesn’t make him feel any less guilty about keeping Peter’s secret from his aunt, but at least Peter has someone to confide in.

He finishes his ice cream cone in a couple of bites and looks over at Steve. “So…I have something to tell you, by the way,” he starts, changing the subject.

Steve looks at him as Bucky lets go of his hand. “What’s wrong?” he asks, eyes troubled.

Bucky rolls his eyes a little. Trust Steve to worry. “Nothing’s wrong,” he promises him with a little smile, and Steve’s face relaxes. “I, um, I got a job,” he says, smile widening.

Steve’s sunshine smile appears on his face. “You did?” he beams. “I didn’t even know you’d decided what sort of thing you wanted to look for.”

Bucky shrugs. “I sorta hadn’t, but Logan offered me a job at his place, working as a mechanic. I know it’s nothing special, but it’s something I like doing…”

Steve grabs him in a tight hug. “It’s not nothing, Buck, it’s amazing. I’m so proud of you.” He pulls back, hand on Bucky’s face, still smiling happily.

“I just…I couldn’t have done it without you,” Bucky replies, looking into his eyes and covering Steve’s hand with his own. “You’ve been so supportive, like literally supporting me while I figured stuff out, and I wouldn’t even be able to do this if it wasn’t for you.” He moves his metal fingers and looks down at them as he says that, feeling Steve’s eyes following his, before Bucky looks back up at him. “I just wanted to say thank you,” he tells Steve sincerely. “You’ve changed my life.” To think that all it took was slipping on ice for him to end up here…Bucky can’t believe how lucky he is—something he never thought he’d think about himself.

Steve looks like he’s overcome with emotion for a moment as he reaches to hold Bucky’s metal hand with his. “I didn’t do anything. You did all this, Bucky. You’ve been so strong.”

Bucky shakes his head. “Can’t you just say _you’re welcome_?” he grumbles a little, flushing slightly with the praise, looking down.

Steve chuckles and rubs his thumb over Bucky’s cheek. “You’re welcome,” he say, a smile in his voice. “But you know it goes both ways, right?”

Bucky looks into his eyes again, to find Steve looking lovingly at him. God, he loves when Steve looks at him like that.

“You changed my life too,” Steve continues. “No, not even that,” he corrects himself. “You started it again,” he says, face serious now.

It hurts Bucky’s heart that Steve feels like that, to think of Steve feeling lost before, while at the same time the sentiment makes him glow. He buries his head in Steve’s shoulder, wrapping his arms round him.

Steve holds him for a really long time.

“Let’s go home now?” Bucky requests when they finally break apart.

Steve’s mouth turns upwards a little and Bucky rolls his eyes, turning away and starting to walk. “Yeah, yeah, I said _home_ again. You’ve got to stop looking so happy about that.”

Steve grins as he catches up. “I _am_ happy about that.”

Bucky huffs in amusement. “Yeah, well how about we get home and you show me just how happy you are?” he says with a sly smile.

 

****

 

It never lasts long enough. The good spells inevitably get broken by something, usually Steve heading off on a mission. Bucky still hates it. How close he came to losing Steve in Sokovia never goes away, but he tries to keep his new methods in place.

When Steve goes to Lagos, Bucky goes running. He tries meditation. He tries to stay mindful. Anything to stop himself overthinking and sending himself spiraling into panic again.

He has his first day at Logan’s without Steve. Logan teaches him the whole day and it helps. It’s good, having a focus, something to keep him occupied. He avoids the TV and his phone the whole day that way. But when Sam turns up to pick him up at the end of the day, Bucky knows something’s happened.

“He’s fine,” Sam says immediately when he sees Bucky’s face fall, panic starting to appear.

Bucky nods and tries to steady himself. He takes a few slow breaths, just like the meditation app and Bruce taught him, closing his eyes for a moment.

“Shit,” Logan says gruffly, and Bucky opens his eyes to see Logan’s pulled out his phone and is reading something on the screen.

Bucky takes the phone from him before he can stop himself, to see the news that the Avengers are being blamed for the deaths of civilians in Lagos. Or Wanda is. He reads a little more before passing the phone back. It’s awful… _he’s_ awful, but his first thought is that Steve is safe and all he feels is pure relief.

“Wanna come over to my mom’s? She’s cooking,” Sam offers, obviously trying to brighten the mood.

Bucky swallows and nods. Steve isn’t hurt and he’ll be back soon. He can keep calm and go see Sam’s mom and be looked after. It sounds really good right about now.

“That better be an open invite, I love your mom’s food,” Logan chips in, already grabbing his keys and wallet.

“Course it is. She’ll be thrilled,” Sam grins. He puts his arm round Bucky. “So how’d your first day go?”

Bucky tries to push Steve away from the forefront of his mind. Ruminating about it doesn’t help. “Pretty good, I think?” he replies, looking to Logan for confirmation as he locks up.

“He did great. Gonna be a real help, especially with that arm. He can touch all the hot bits without getting fried.”

Sam laughs as Bucky rolls his eyes. “I knew that was what you wanted me for. My arm,” he says with a fake glower.

“Well it sure wasn’t for your charming personality,” Logan snarks back.

“Hey, I’m charming as fuck,” Bucky grins at him.

“Well, compared to Logan you are,” Sam chips in.

Bucky rolls his eyes at Sam. “Well I guess both of us pale in comparison to you, babydoll.”

“Damn right,” Sam grins, puffing out his chest proudly.

Bucky is so grateful he has these guys as friends. They distract him for the rest of the evening and Sam’s mom fusses over him, and it helps. It makes waiting bearable.

“You doing okay?” Sam asks him quietly towards the end of the night.

“Yeah,” Bucky replies honestly. “Thank you for this.”

Sam nods at him, giving Bucky a thoughtful look. “I’m really proud of you, you know. You’re doing really well.”

From anyone else it might sound patronising and babying, but from Sam it doesn’t. Bucky appreciates him saying that. He knows it’s different from last time—he wasn’t waiting to see if Steve was okay and wasn’t watching it unfolding minute by minute, but he feels like he’s kept himself together and that’s an achievement at least.

Now he just hopes Steve comes home soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter...let's kill someone, why not.
> 
> I almost have a chapter count for this. It's probably 25 depending on how much rewriting I do. 
> 
> Hope you liked this chapter, leave me a comment? I'd love to hear from you! And thank you so much to everyone who's reading and stuck with this 💜


	20. Sleeping with Ghosts

When Steve gets back, things are better again. Or at least for Bucky they are. When Steve’s home, things are always better for Bucky. Steve, on the other hand, isn’t doing so well. He came back and told Bucky all about his mission in Lagos and what happened—how Wanda had saved his life but taken the lives of others in the process. It’s caused a media shitstorm for the Avengers and Steve’s bearing the brunt of it.

Bucky feels terrible for Wanda, because even though it’s not the same, he knows what it’s like to hurt or kill in the field, and he knows it cuts deep. But he can’t help but feel deep gratitude for Wanda, that she kept Steve safe for him. He can never ever repay her for that.

Bucky wants to have her come to stay, get her away from all the Avengers craziness for a while, but Steve doesn’t think it’s a good idea right now, not with everything that’s going on. Bucky can see how much everything is affecting Steve, even though he tries to hide it, so he does his best to be supportive. He doesn’t complain or get clingy when Steve has to go and stay at the Avengers’ facility for a couple of days and he does his best to make things easier for Steve in any way he can.

At the moment, that includes doing laundry. He’s just getting ready to start a load, when his phone rings.

“Hey, Stevie, what’s up?” Bucky answers as he shoves laundry into the washer. “Oh, do you know where you put the fabric softener?”

“Cupboard under the sink?” Steve answers, and Bucky wanders over there, opening the cupboard and finding it.

“Got it.” He heads back to the washer and traps his phone between his ear and neck so he can pour some in. “You gonna be back soon?” he asks Steve, as he twists the cap back on and starts the machine.

“No,” Steve says shortly, and Bucky frowns, finally realising Steve’s voice isn’t his normal, warm, happy to speak to Bucky voice. “I’m on my way to London. I’ll be a few days.”

“London? Should the U.K. be worried?” Bucky asks, trying to keep his tone light. _Another fucking mission_. He really hates them. It means another few days of worrying endlessly about Steve.

“No. It’s not a mission,” Steve replies, tone still dull, and sounding completely closed off. “Peggy died.”

Bucky’s heart falls to his stomach. _Oh god_. “I…god, Steve, I’m so sorry.” He doesn’t know what to say. He knows how important Peggy is to Steve, and his heart just breaks for him.

“The funeral’s in London so…” Steve trails off.

Bucky starts moving, heading through the kitchen, towards the stairs. “I’ll go grab some things and meet you. Is there anything you need me to bring?”

“I’m already on the plane.”

Bucky stops, just having reached the hallway. “Oh,” he utters. He feels hurt run through him. “I…um…okay,” he manages to say. He knows this moment shouldn’t be about him, but instead of going to Bucky for support, it seems like Steve doesn’t want him there, and it hurts.

“I’ll be back soon,” Steve says, and then he mumbles a goodbye and the line goes dead.

Bucky moves the phone from his ear and stands staring at it in his hand. He feels a choked breath come out of him. He takes a few moments, leaning on the doorframe, wondering why Steve doesn’t want him there. Is he just being Steve, acting like he can handle it on his own or is it something else? Bucky just wants to be there for him. But he didn’t know Peggy, so maybe it’s not appropriate? But he didn’t have to go to the funeral, he could have just been there with Steve, for Steve, for before and after, so he wasn’t alone.

Bucky pulls up the messages on his phone and types out to Steve to let him know if he needs anything. He doesn’t know what else to do.

He doesn’t get a reply.

 

****

 

“All been working fine then?” Tony asks, poking around a panel on Bucky’s arm.

“Yeah.” Bucky had an appointment with Tony the next day that he’d almost forgotten about, seeing as he can’t really focus on anything except the fact that Steve hasn’t called and hasn’t answered his phone. He’s sort of been hoping that Tony will know how Steve is, but so far Tony hasn’t mentioned Steve or Peggy at all.

Bucky decides to just ask. “So, have you heard from Steve?” He tries to make it sound like an innocent question, not like he’s asking because he hasn’t.

“Nope,” Tony replies shortly. “Sorta surprised you turned up today,” he adds, still poking around.

Bucky tucks his hair behind his ear with his right hand. “Yeah, well, um, Steve decided he wanted to go alone so…” He shrugs like it’s not a big deal.

“I meant because of the Accords,” Tony replies, still studying his arm.

“The what?” Bucky asks, watching Tony close up the panel. He can feel everything Tony’s doing, but it doesn’t hurt, it’s just kind of weird.

“The Accords,” Tony repeats, looking at him now. He narrows his eyes, looking a little confused. “Cap didn’t tell you?”

Bucky feels like an idiot under his gaze. Like he doesn’t know something he should know and like it’s weird that he doesn’t. “Um, no?” Bucky admits, looking at his arm again.

“Oh.” Tony moves away to put down the tool he was using and wipes his hands off on a towel, before leaning back against his workbench. “Cap and I are sort of in a fight right now.”

“A fight?” Bucky frowns in confusion before he pulls his blue sweater back on over his head.

“A disagreement really,” Tony replies. “It’s a long boring story, but the basics are I want us to be more accountable and Cap doesn’t.” He’s talking in his usual Tony way, but Bucky can see whatever’s happened has affected him. He looks sort of steely.

“What do you mean?” Bucky asks carefully.

“I mean, there’s a document, with a hundred and seventeen countries on board, so we, the Avengers, operate under the supervision of the United Nations.” Tony looks at him with challenging eyes, like he expects him to take Steve’s side.

“Why would you want to sign that?” Bucky can’t help asking. Of all of them, Tony seems the most gung-ho of them, doing whatever he wants, whenever he wants.

Tony sighs and looks at his shoes, taking his glasses off to polish them on the bottom of his Black Sabbath t-shirt, before returning them to his face and looking at Bucky. “The thing in Sokovia? That was my fault. _I_ made Ultron. That’s on me. But you know how much collateral damage we leave behind when we’re busy _kicking ass_?” He spits the last two words out.

Bucky debates telling him. He _is_ essentially part of their collateral damage, except he’s never seen it like that. He takes a breath. He can’t help but feel hurt that Steve didn’t tell him about this, but maybe with Peggy, maybe he’s not in the right frame of mind to discuss it. He doesn’t seem to want to talk to Bucky at all right now.

Bucky can feel himself getting upset and figures it’s time to get himself out of there. “Look, this seems like something between you guys, I think I should stay out of it,” he says, standing up, trying to look apologetically at Tony.

Tony waves a hand at him. “Sure. I mean, you _are_ the only person Cap even listens to, but why bother trying to help me.”

Bucky tries really hard to not be offended by Tony’s bitter tone. He’s obviously frustrated, but it’s not Bucky’s place to get involved here. Plus it doesn’t even seem like that’s true. “Yeah, I don’t think that’s the case.”

“Maybe Romanoff will talk some sense into him over there,” Tony continues, almost talking to himself.

Bucky pauses. “Natasha’s there?”

“In London? Yep. Went over when she heard about Peggy,” Tony confirms.

“Oh.” Bucky tries very hard to not let his emotions show, but inside he feels sick. Why did Steve want Natasha with him but not Bucky? “I, um, I’m gonna go,” he tells Tony. “Thanks for looking at the arm.”

Tony goes back to looking at things on his desk without a goodbye, so Bucky takes that as his cue and leaves.

The journey home seems endless. When he eventually gets back, the house seems cold and empty and cavernous, and suddenly it doesn’t feel like home anymore.

 

****

 

Three days later, Bucky hears the familiar sound of a key turning in the door. He springs to his feet, the blanket he was covered over with on the sofa falling to the floor, and then he pauses for a second when he reaches the open doorway to the hall to try and gather himself. Then he takes a breath and walks out, turning to the left to see Steve there, hanging up his coat.

“Hey,” he says quietly, not wanting to surprise him. Steve looks awful, like he’s got the weight of the world on his shoulders and hasn’t slept in days. He’s got a face full of stubble, well on its way to becoming more than that, and the way he’s holding himself makes him look exhausted. Bucky doesn’t even know if Steve can be exhausted, but he looks like he is.

“Hey.” Steve turns his head and glances at him before pulling off his shoes.

“Um, you okay?” Bucky asks, because he doesn’t know what to do. “Flight okay?”

Steve straightens up and nods. “It was fine.” He looks towards the stairs. “I’m, uh, gonna take a shower.”

Bucky nods and moves back a little. “Oh. Okay. Yeah, always good to take a shower after a flight,” he adds, words coming mindlessly.

Steve nods again and moves past him, going up the stairs.

Bucky stands there watching him. Steve didn’t even hug him.

Bucky debates calling Sam or maybe Clint. But he doesn’t even know what he can say. Steve’s grieving and Bucky feels like he’s being a dick because he’s thinking about how cold Steve’s being with him when he should only be thinking about if Steve’s okay. But Steve being cold with him means he isn’t okay. He’s never cold with Bucky.

Bucky just doesn’t know what to do or say to help him. It feels like anything he says will be the wrong thing. Instead, he looks over at the door where Steve left a small bag and decides he’ll take that upstairs. At least that’s something he can do instead of feeling helpless.

He carries it up, heading past the main bathroom and then pauses. He thinks he hears a sound, but he waits and there’s just the sound of water. Until a few seconds pass and he hears it again. A really quiet little choked sob.

He debates what to do. Maybe he should leave it and let Steve have his privacy. But part of him just can’t. He can’t stand the idea that Steve is hurting.

He puts the bag down on the floor and knocks carefully on the bathroom door. “Stevie?”

He doesn’t get an answer. He should just go, he knows he should. Instead he tries the door knob to find Steve hasn’t locked it. He pushes it just a fraction so he can see. He just wants to check he’s okay.

He looks to see Steve is standing in their massive glass shower, facing the wall, water cascading over him, and his body is shaking, because he’s sobbing, almost soundlessly, hands pressed against the wall to hold himself up.

“Stevie?” Bucky says again softly.

Steve turns his head just a fraction and the sight of his tears and his red eyes is all it takes for Bucky. He swings the door open and is straight to the shower, pulling open the door, and then he’s getting his clothes soaked as he wraps his arms around Steve from behind, holding him as tightly as he can.

Steve doesn’t resist. He grips tightly onto Bucky’s hands with his, shuddering against Bucky as he cries.

Bucky can’t offer him any words, so he just holds him, resting his cheek on Steve’s shoulder, hoping that his presence offers some comfort at least—that Steve knows he isn’t in this alone.

It seems like a long time before Steve stops shaking and the sobs fade, but it’s probably only a minute or two. Steve squeezes his right hand a little and Bucky loosens his grip on him.

“I’m gonna grab you a towel,” he tells Steve as he lets go. He doesn’t want Steve to have to feel like he needs to talk or to feel embarrassed at all. Bucky just wants to take care of him. He needs to.

Steve reaches out to turn off the water as Bucky steps out the shower, leaving the floor soaked, so he can grab a warm towel for Steve. He grimaces at the feel of the pyjama pants he was lounging in sticking to him and peels them off, dumping them on the shower floor, along with his soaked t-shirt as he goes back in, and wraps the towel round Steve. Steve tucks it in at the waist and Bucky ducks back out to grab himself a towel and another for Steve, which he drapes over Steve’s shoulders, feeling his heart quake a little at his dog tags still there around Steve’s neck.

“You want to sleep?” he offers, looking up at Steve, because even though it’s mid-afternoon, Steve’s probably jetlagged as well as emotionally exhausted.

Steve nods at him, looking at Bucky with the saddest eyes, but his face looks almost curious.

Bucky gets him to their bedroom and grabs Steve his softest clothes for sleeping, letting Steve pull those on as he grabs another pair of light pyjama pants himself and returns the towels to the bathroom.

Steve’s climbing into bed when Bucky goes back in.

“Okay,” Bucky murmurs, satisfied that he’s going to rest. “I’ll just…” He nods at the chair over by the window and starts to head over there, picking up his current book from the bedside table, though he knows he’ll just watch Steve, but he can pretend he’s going to read.

Steve nods and settles down in bed. Bucky grabs a t-shirt as he goes and pulls that on before settling down in the chair. He rubs his fingers over the pressed letters on the metal tags around his own neck, watching Steve as his breathing evens out and he falls asleep.

Bucky watches over him for the next two hours.

 

****

 

“Bucky?”

Steve’s quiet voice breaks Bucky out of his thoughts as he stares at the foot of the bed. He glances up to see Steve turning to look for him. “I’m here,” he replies as Steve finds him.

“Could you…” Steve breaks off.

“What is it?” Bucky asks gently when he doesn’t continue. He gets up. “Do you need me to get something? Water?”

“I…” Steve’s voice sounds choked up. “I…could you…”

Bucky can’t stand it. He moves to the bed and sits on his side, reaching out a hand to Steve but stopping short of touching him. He just leaves it there next to him. “It’s okay, whatever it is,” he says, not wanting to push Steve, but wanting him to know he can ask for anything. He just hopes Steve doesn’t ask him to leave. He doesn’t know if he could do that, not with the state Steve’s in.

Steve reaches out his hand and curls his fingers round Bucky’s and Bucky gets it when Steve tugs just a little. He instantly pulls back the covers so he can join Steve, lying close, waiting, and Steve moves closer and buries his head on Bucky’s chest, his hand coming up to grip his shoulder. It’s the first time Steve’s ever seemed small to him. Not in a bad way, just…Steve has such a presence about him, apart from the fact that he’s just physically large, so it’s hard to see him looking so fragile. Bucky wraps his arms around him tightly, hoping it comforts him at least a little.

Steve falls asleep for a little while again. Bucky just keeps hold of him, breathing him in, wishing there was a way he could make this better.

When Steve shifts a little, Bucky knows he’s awake again. “I’m sorry,” are the first words out of Steve’s mouth as he pulls away a little so he can see Bucky’s face.

Bucky just shakes his head. “Don’t worry about it.” They don’t need to talk about it.

“No,” Steve says firmly, pulling back even more to lay on his side, facing Bucky. “I was…I shouldn’t have…” He pauses. “I wanted you to be there. I should have asked.”

Bucky’s heart beats a little faster. “You know I would have come,” he tells Steve, trying desperately to not look as sad as he feels about it. He doesn’t want to make Steve feel guilty. “Why didn’t you?” he can’t help asking softly. He takes Steve’s hand and holds it loosely with his metal one as he asks, not wanting Steve to think he’s mad at him.

Steve lets out a loud exhale of breath. “I just…it felt like it would be disrespectful,” he says, casting his eyes downwards as if he’s ashamed.

“Oh,” Bucky says quietly, trying to get his head around that. “Because you and Peggy…?” He trails off. He’s never known quite what Steve and Peggy were. Never felt the need to ask before, just as he’s never asked about any other exes, if that’s what they were.

“I know it’s stupid,” Steve says, looking down at his hand where Bucky’s still holding it. “But I just…I didn’t want her family to feel like I just moved on.”

“I…” Bucky cuts himself off. He doesn’t quite know how to say this. “It’s been a long time though,” he says as carefully as he can.

“Not for me,” Steve says, eyes meeting his for a moment, looking lost. “It’s only been two years for me.”

“You…do you think Peggy would have been upset? About me?” Bucky can’t help asking. He’s suddenly come to the realisation that Steve was probably in love with this woman, and maybe still is. Or was. Is. Just because she’s gone now doesn’t mean he doesn’t still love her. It’s a hard and deeply sad situation for Bucky to get his head around.

“No,” Steve replies. “I know she wouldn’t.” He looks at Bucky again and a softness appears in his eyes. “I told her about you, when I visited her in February, when she was lucid. She was really happy. She wanted me to move on and be happy, just like she did.”

“You told her about me?” Bucky can’t help the surprise on his face.

“She said she could tell I was in love just by the look on my face,” Steve says, looking deep in thought, a hint of a smile on his lips now.

Bucky can’t help the small smile that comes over his face then. He tries valiantly to push it down. Then he replays Steve’s words. “Wait…February? You loved me in February?”

Steve does smile now, a soft, wistful thing, as he looks at Bucky fondly. “I loved you in December.”

Bucky’s heart squeezes and he chokes on nothing. He blinks rapidly and looks away for a moment, before looking back at Steve. “I’m so sorry,” he tells Steve. “About Peggy.”

Steve squeezes his hand, the plates registering the slight pressure for Bucky. “When I came out of the ice, I thought everyone I had known was gone. Then I found out she was alive. I was just lucky to have her,” he says mournfully.

Bucky nods, wiping across his eyes with his hand quickly.

“I was stupid. I wish you’d been there with me,” Steve tells him, eyes sad and looking for forgiveness when Bucky looks back at him.

“I wish I had too. But I’m here now,” he tells Steve, trying to convey just how much he’s there for him, how he’ll always be there for him.

Steve moves a little, getting his head more comfortable on the pillow. “What we have…it’s not the same as what I had with Peggy,” he starts.

Bucky feels crushed at his words. He doesn’t want to, but he does. But what did he expect? How could he ever compete with her, the woman who was probably Steve’s first love. Bucky will always be second best—he should have realised that. He swallows hard. He won’t allow himself to cry. It’s not fair on Steve.

“Oh, Buck, no,” Steve breathes out, obviously seeing Bucky’s face fall. “I didn’t mean…I said that all wrong.” He grips Bucky’s hand harder. “I meant…” He breaks off and starts again. “I did love Peggy. I always will. But we never really got our shot. And Peggy had a good life and she was happy. Maybe it was never meant to be for us. So it’s different.” He looks at Bucky earnestly. “I never got to be in love _with_ her. But with you…” He moves his hand to the side of Bucky’s face, stroking his hair back. “Buck, you’re everything…everything to me. I get to be with you and grow with you and hold you and love you every day. Every single day I fall even more. It was worth being in the ice because it meant that I got to meet you.”

Bucky can’t breathe. He’s never…no one’s ever…oh god, now tears are overflowing. It’s got to be the most amazing thing anyone has ever said and will ever say to him. “You can’t possibly mean that,” he chokes out. Steve lost seventy years of his life, there can’t be any way that he makes up for that, that he makes it worth it.

Steve just gives him an adoring look. “Maybe it’s messed up, but I do mean it. I can’t regret what happened to me because it led me to you. I don’t want to imagine a life where I never met you.”

Bucky didn’t know he could love someone this much. It’s like a physical pain, trying to hold it all inside him. “Stevie,” he just about manages to choke out before wrapping himself around Steve again, clinging onto him tightly.

Steve strokes his back, face buried in his hair. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I never meant to make you doubt that.”

“I know,” Bucky sniffles out. “I know you didn’t.”

They hold each other for a long time, Bucky trying to compose himself, while Steve seems to find comfort in holding him, his breathing evening out.

“Can I…” Steve says, a little while later. “I’d like to tell you some stories about her.”

Bucky nods against him, finally pulling away and moving his other arm to stroke his fingers through Steve’s hair. “I’d love that.”

Steve moves so he’s back with his head resting on Bucky’s chest. “So there was this one time when she shot at me…”

 

****

 

Bucky’s not surprised that over the next few days, Steve seems to return to his usual self. Bucky knows he’s grieving, but he also knows Steve is able to push things down. He’s had to, being Captain America, and seeing the things he’s seen. So Bucky makes sure Steve knows that he’s there for him, if he needs him, anytime he wants to talk, but he doesn’t push. He keeps a close eye on him, but he lets Steve deal with his loss in the way he chooses to. It’s how he thinks he would want Steve to act if the situation was reserved.

There is one thing he decides he needs to ask Steve about though. After a few days, he broaches the subject of the Accords with him.

“What did Tony tell you?” Steve frowns, when Bucky carefully asks him about it over breakfast, pausing in the middle of flipping a pancake.

“Not much really. Just what they are and that he wants to sign and you don’t,” Bucky explains with a small shrug, while pointing out that the pancake is starting to burn. “I think he wants me to help convince you.”

Steve looks down and flips it over before letting go of the pan and then looks at Bucky with an unreadable expression on his face. “And are you?” he asks, tone clipped in a way he’s never sounded before with Bucky.

Bucky frowns at him. “I thought we had an agreement a while back about you not being a dumbass,” he scolds him. “Of course I’m not. I’m on your side.” Steve’s face softens as he speaks. “I’m always on your side,” he adds offhand, with a little shrug, frown leaving his face. “But I agree with you on the issue too.”

“You do?” Steve asks, relief visible on his face.

Bucky lets out a little amused huff. “Do I have to remind you about Christmas and when I told you about this?” he says, gesturing to his left shoulder. “Tony was talking about collateral damage…” He shrugs again. “I _am_ your collateral damage. I’m not the worst of it, but I am part of it.”

Steve’s face falls, guilt and hurt appearing like a shadow over his face. Bucky gets up from his seat at the counter and moves round so he’s next to Steve and then turns off the pan as the pancake’s getting burnt again.

“Stevie,” Bucky says, forcing Steve to catch his eye. “Baby, you remember what I said? I don’t blame you. Not any of you.”

Steve looks away again but nods, but it’s like it’s hard for him to do so.

“If you hadn’t been there, it would have been worse. I really believe that. I believe that every time,” he tells Steve firmly, taking his hand and squeezing it. “All this shit about you being accountable…you already are. You hold yourselves accountable for what happens, I know you do. And you try to do better next time. You do your best every time. And like I told you, you can’t save everyone. If someone dies on your watch, you don’t give up. It’s awful and it should hurt, every time, but these Accords…to me it sounds like it just shifts the blame.”

Steve stares at him for a moment before he lurches forwards and grabs Bucky in a bone-crushing hug.

“Ouch, Jesus!” Bucky yips out, and Steve loosens his arms instantly.

“Shit, sorry,” he says, pulling back and looking at Bucky with worry.

Bucky chuckles and pulls him back in and rubs his right hand down Steve’s back. “Forgot about the super strength thing for a minute, huh?”

He feels Steve nod against his neck where he’s tucked his head in and then he presses a kiss to the delicate skin just under Bucky’s ear. “Thank you,” he mumbles.

Bucky pulls back to look at him, moving his hand to rest on Steve’s waist. “You don’t have to thank me. I’m just telling you my opinion. You can ignore it or agree with it, whatever you want. I just…me of all people, I’ve got an opinion on this.”

Steve kisses him on the forehead. “You said everything right. That’s how I feel too. But I was still worried that I wasn’t doing the right thing. But now I think I am.”

Bucky gives him a little smile and strokes his thumb over Steve’s cheek. “So what now? What happens if you don’t sign them?”

Steve looks thoughtful, but his eyes are tinged with sadness. “I don’t know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for worrying you about the death thing :p 
> 
> Hope you liked this chapter. Thank you so much for your comments! I love and appreciate every single one ❤️
> 
> The next chapter is soooo long so it's gonna take some time to edit and proof but hopefully I'll have it ready soon. Prepare yourself for a whole lot of stuff happening x


	21. Protect Me From What I Want

The next couple of weeks are strange. Steve seems restless and Bucky knows the Accords are hanging over his head. But he does his best to stay positive and Bucky does his best to make him happy. He hates that Steve’s been put in a position like this, when all he wants to do is help people. It seems ridiculous to Bucky that anyone would want to potentially lose him as an ally when Steve is the very best of them in all ways—not just his strength and heroism, but his heart.

Steve doesn’t tell him too much about what’s going on and Bucky doesn’t push. He tries to stay supportive without getting too involved. Sam tells him he can’t take on all of that stuff as well as his own stuff and he just needs to be there for Steve when he needs him. Bucky can do that. So he does his best to not linger on it, to do great at his job which has turned into the best job he’s ever had, and look after Steve as best he can, when he’s around.

Steve’s off meeting the Avengers that morning, so Bucky goes for a run by himself—which has quickly become his Saturday morning habit—and he’s just returned, sweaty as anything from running in the late summer sun and is about to head upstairs to shower when the doorbell rings.

Bucky heads back over and opens it to find it’s Tony, in full Iron Man suit, but with his face uncovered.

“I’m here to see Cap,” Tony states, basically barging past Bucky into the house.

Bucky narrows his eyes a little at the intrusion. “He’s not here.”

Tony turns to look at him. “Sure he’s not. That’s convenient.”

“He’s not,” Bucky says with a deeper frown, shutting the door. He doesn’t mention that he thought Steve was meeting the Avengers. Maybe Tony doesn’t know that? Maybe he wasn’t invited? “What do you need him for?”

“What do I need him for?” Tony says, voice incredulous. “Oh nothing…just this,” he says, and a light projects from his arm showing what looks like a CCTV video.

Bucky watches in silence as he sees Steve in civilian clothing, pushing people out of the way of an oncoming truck that seems to be purposefully being driven at them, and then watches as Steve stops the truck with his bare hands, yanks the door off and knocks out the driver.

Tony moves his hand and the picture disappears. He looks at Bucky like he’s waiting for a response.

Bucky just looks back at him. “And?” All he sees is Steve being a hero. He’s damn proud of him.

“And?” Tony replies with a steely look. “The Accords are in effect. He’s officially breaking the law with this.”

Bucky lets out a humourless laugh. “He’s breaking the law by saving people’s lives? I’ve gotta say, Tony, that seems like bullshit.” It sounds so ridiculous to him, but at the same time, he’s worried. Steve didn’t tell him the Accords had gone ahead. Bucky didn’t know they were official yet. He wonders why Steve didn’t tell him.

Tony narrows his eyes at him. “Look, I’m not saying he didn’t do a good thing. He can do as many good things as he wants to, _legally_ , if he just signs.”

Bucky gives him a little half shrug. “Yeah, well I think you know that’s not going to happen.”

“Then I suggest you make him stop this. Otherwise, next time I might be sent here to arrest him. I’m keeping this from Ross out of friendship. He keeps doing this, I won’t be able to keep it off their radar.”

“Wow,” Bucky says, unable to not be sarcastic now. “That’s real generous of you.” He shakes his head in disbelief. “How can you think this is a good thing, Tony?”

Tony looks downright pissed with him now. “Right, cause I’m the bad guy here, sure. It’s not like Nat, Vision and Rhodey all agreed with me.”

Bucky didn’t know that. He manages to hold in his surprise, particularly that Natasha supports this. “So you expect Steve to just retire?” Bucky asks with an incredulous smile.

“We needed to be put in check. After what happened in Lagos, what Wanda did—”

“You mean saving Steve’s life?” Bucky cuts in. “God, yeah, how fucking dare she.”

Tony steps forward angrily. “She killed people.”

“She saved people too. Maybe there was no way for her to win that situation,” Bucky proposes. “You weren’t in her shoes. If she hadn’t been there, if she hadn’t been allowed to make that choice, maybe those guys would have killed a whole lot more people that day,” Bucky argues.

“No offense, Barnes, but what would you know about it. This really has nothing to do with you.” Tony shakes his head like he’s exasperated.

“No offense, Stark,” Bucky mimics back, “but you’re the one who burst into my house without asking. Steve’s not here. I’ll tell him you came by, but I think it’s about time you left,” he says with finality, striding to the door and holding it open.

Tony does, surprisingly, follow. He turns once he’s in the doorway, looking as frustrated as Bucky’s ever seen him. “I’m trying here. I’m trying to make this work.”

Bucky lets out a humourless huff of air. “Yeah well, I’ll let Steve know that too. Goodbye, Tony,” he says, shutting the door on him.

 

****

 

Bucky’s just pulling on fresh clothes after his shower when a noise interrupts him again. Except this time, it’s his phone going. He feels relieved when he sees it’s Steve, and picks up, rubbing his towel over his hair with the other hand. He smiles a little at that, still appreciating that he can do that. He could never have done that before.

“Bucky?” Steve’s voice comes down the line, sounding panicked.

“What’s wrong?” Bucky asks instantly, dropping the damp towel to the bed, focus entirely on the phone call now.

“I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry,” Steve says, words coming out in a rush.

“What hap—”

“It was Wanda. I just, I had to get her out, they were keeping her under house arrest,” Steve speaks over him. “I think I just became a fugitive,” he utters, as though he’s just realised that.

Bucky’s blood turns to ice. “Shit,” he utters in complete disbelief. “Are they…is someone coming after you?”

“I’m so sorry,” Steve says again. It sounds like he’s on the move. “I never meant for this…I…Tony won’t come for you, I know he won’t. He won’t let them do that.”

“Come for me?” Bucky asks, feeling himself starting to panic.

“They might think they could use you, to get to me. But even after everything, I don’t think Tony would let them stoop that low. You’ll be safe.”

“If that’s Tony’s choice I will. But like you said, the Accords take away your right to choose. Tony might not be the one in control here,” Bucky says, voice a little higher with panic, thinking of Tony mentioning someone called Ross. “And what the fuck do you mean safe? You mean without you?” His heart is hammering in his chest.

Steve doesn’t reply for a moment. “I…I’m so sorry, Buck. I never meant for this.” His voice sounds like his heart is breaking—Bucky can hear it.

Bucky starts moving before he really knows what he’s doing. “Where are you going?” he asks, as he pulls open the closet to find his duffel bag there, buried in the back.

“A safehouse. I can’t…I don’t know if they might hear this call somehow,” Steve replies, voice laced with remorse.

Bucky starts pulling out his and Steve’s clothes, shoving as many as he can into the bag. “You know the place we had our first date?”

“Yeah?” Steve replies, sounding confused at the change of topic.

“Can you get there easily?”

“I…no, I’m not in the city,” Steve replies.

“Shit.” Bucky pauses and zips up the bag. He thinks for a moment. “How about the place we took Wanda before we brought her back to stay with us, what about that place?” They’d gone to lunch with Wanda in a small town around forty minutes from the Avengers facility that day. “Can you get there?”

“Yes,” Steve confirms. “But—”

“Okay,” Bucky cuts him off, grabbing the bag and heading downstairs, almost tripping down them in his haste. “You know how long it takes to drive there? I’m gonna be there in that amount of time.”

“You…Bucky, no,” Steve replies, voice firm and as Captain America sounding as Bucky’s ever heard it.

“Look, you might want to believe I’m safe, but we don’t know that,” Bucky argues as he reaches the kitchen. “And frankly even if we did, I’m not staying here without you.” He sets about shoving some snacks into the bag.

“Buck—” Steve starts.

“This isn’t a discussion, Steve,” Bucky says firmly, cutting him off, heading to the hallway. “I’m coming with you.”

“Bucky, you can’t. This is serious, it’s not something you can just decide. You might not be able to go home again,” Steve argues vehemently.

Bucky’s getting agitated now. “You’re my fucking home, Steve,” he almost yells down the phone. “I’m with you till the end of the line. You goddamn better meet me.”

“Buck—” Steve starts again.

“I’m going,” Bucky cuts him off again. “You be there,” he says each word firmly, before he hangs up on Steve, grabbing a jacket, shoving his feet into his sneakers, before opening the door and slamming it behind him.

Bucky runs down the street, heading towards Sam’s house. He calls him on the way, but he doesn’t pick up. Bucky prays he’s home. Steve calls him again, but Bucky ignores it. Steve can try and argue this all he wants, but Bucky’s made up his mind. It’s barely even a choice for him.

It takes him just under twenty minutes to get there and he stands there on Sam’s mom’s doorstep, panting, waiting for them to answer when he knocks.

“Bucky? What are you…you okay?” Sam asks as he thankfully opens the door, looking confused as he sees the tense and sweaty state Bucky’s in.

“Sammy, I need your car,” he says in a rush, still breathing heavily.

“Okay, but why?” Sam asks, already turning away to grab the keys where Bucky knows he keeps them on a hook near the coats.

“Um, long story, but Steve’s pretty much a wanted man and I’m going to meet him,” Bucky babbles out, bracing himself for Sam’s protests.

Sam blinks at him and stands in silence for a beat. “Alright, I’ll drive.”

Bucky looks at him in surprise. “No, you don’t need—”

Sam waves his hand. “Give me a minute to grab some stuff.” He disappears back into the house before Bucky can stop him, so Bucky goes into the hallway and shuts the door to wait, feeling safer not being out on the street. He doesn’t have time to convince Sam not to come so he’s just gonna go with it. Sam can drop him and come back without getting into trouble. Plus Bucky feels so agitated, it’s probably not a great idea that he drives right now.

Sam appears with a large backpack only a couple of minutes later. “Let’s go.”

Bucky looks at him gratefully and follows him out of the house and down the street a little way to his car. “Thank you for this, Sam, seriously.”

“I know, I’m the best,” he says as he slides into the driver’s seat of his blue VW Beetle. “Now tell me, where the hell are we going?”

 

****

 

“So you’re just gonna what? Live on the run?” Sam asks the minute Bucky finishes telling him as they drive through the busy streets of Brooklyn.

“I don’t fucking know. I just know it might not be safe for me in the city and I’m not living without him. I don’t care how it sounds, I just…I’m fucking not, okay?” Bucky replies loudly. He knows how it sounds—crazy, impulsive, stupid—and he couldn’t care less. He has to be with Steve.

“Alright, alright,” Sam says worriedly at his outburst, with a little glance over.

“Maybe they’ll sort it out, I don’t know,” Bucky continues. “But Steve did the right thing. Wanda is Becca’s age and they were keeping her like a prisoner, all because they’re scared of her.”

“In mean, in fairness, she does sound pretty scary,” Sam replies.

Bucky looks over at him as he drives. “That’s the thing though, she’s not. She’s powerful and it scares them. But all she’s ever done is try to do the right thing, just like Steve. She lost her brother because of it,” Bucky says, eyebrows knitting together in sadness. “If they could control her, they’d be happy to have her out there, working for them. But because she’s got her own free will, they lock her up,” Bucky spits out.

“Sounds like you really care about her,” Sam comments, sounding a little surprised.

Bucky looks out the window as the world goes by. “She saved Steve’s life. She’s got me in her corner for the rest of hers.”

Sam chuckles. “Well she’s one lucky girl then.”

Bucky looks back over at him with a little tired smile. “Thanks, babydoll.”

“Steve’s a lucky guy too,” he adds, before yelling at a driver who cuts him off.

Bucky grins. “Is this…are you jealous?” he jokes. “Have you finally realised your undying gay love for me?”

Sam rolls his eyes. “In your dreams, peach-pie. In your dirty little dreams.”

Bucky snickers. “Sorry to say, you don’t really feature in those.”

“Oh let me guess, you only dream of your Stevie, huh?” Sam teases him. “Man, you two are sickening.”

Bucky just lets out a breath and wraps his arms around himself as he thinks about Steve. He’ll be with him in less than two hours, he reminds himself, trying to keep as calm as possible.

“Seriously though,” Sam continues. “This is some seriously romantic shit.”

“Going on the run together?” Bucky says, raising his eyebrows. “Yeah, real romantic. Not at all dumb.” He knows it’s crazy, knows that this isn’t something normal people do, but he and Steve aren’t normal. He always thought he wanted to be, but somewhere along the way, he realised he was okay with being different. His arm, dating Steve, Steve being Captain America…none of it is normal, but all of it is incredible.

“It is,” Sam argues. “Ain’t never seen something like what you’ve got.”

Bucky’s heart feels warm and he can’t help smiling softly at Sam’s words. It makes him happy that Sam can see it too—that invisible connection that he and Steve seem to have, that was there from the start, and the way they just fit together, the way they just _work_.

“Just don’t Thelma and Louise it off a cliff, alright?” Sam adds.

Bucky lets out an amused huff, even as a little fear grips him. “Promise.”

 

****

 

It feels like it takes a day, but in less than two hours, they make it to their destination. Sam pulls up as near as he can to the café they’d taken Wanda to and Bucky gets out, looking all around, trying to spot Steve. He probably won’t be out in plain view in case someone spots him, Bucky figures. Sam follows after him.

He’s so focused on looking for Steve, he can’t help jumping out of his skin when he suddenly feels a hand on his arm from behind.

“Stevie,” Bucky sighs in relief as he turns and finally lays eyes on him.

Steve looks perturbed to say the least. He gathers Bucky into a hug, holding him tightly. “You shouldn’t have come,” he says softly into Bucky’s hair.

Bucky pulls away and narrows his eyes, but Sam speaks up before he can.

“You okay?” he asks Steve.

Steve nods, acknowledging him. “What are you doing here?” he asks, though not unkindly.

“Bucky needed a ride,” Sam shrugs.

“And you didn’t think to maybe convince him not to come?” Steve replies, far more unkindly this time.

“Oh fuck off, Rogers,” Bucky says scornfully, while Sam says, “He’s his own man, I can’t convince him of anything,” at the same time.

Bucky glares at Steve. He hates being talked about like he’s not there. Hates Steve talking about him like he can’t make his own decisions even more.

Steve looks at him, clearly with Captain mode engaged. Bucky’s decided he really hates Captain mode. “This is dangerous, Buck, you don’t understand.”

“I understand just fine, you jackass. Now where are we headed?”

Steve stares at him for a moment. Bucky meets his eyes and stares right back, challengingly, daring him to say anything else. To Bucky’s surprise, he actually wins.

“Clint has a safehouse. They went on ahead,” Steve finally relents.

“Alright, well let’s get a move on then,” Sam says, already heading back to the car.

Bucky gestures after him for Steve to follow, which he does after a moment where it looks like he’s battling himself inside. Bucky stomps after him.

He gets in the front with Sam cause he’s too mad to sit next to Steve right now. Steve gives Sam some basic directions while Bucky stews in silence.

“Buck,” Steve says, after about ten minutes of awkward, silent driving.

“If you’re gonna say more bullshit, I don’t wanna hear it,” he almost growls back.

Steve goes quiet again. For three minutes at least. “This is your life we’re talking about,” he starts again, imploringly.

“I swear to god...” Bucky hisses out, gritting his teeth.

“What about Becca, huh?” Steve pipes up. “What if you can’t ever see her again, in case you put her in danger?”

That makes Bucky pause. It’s a fucking low blow. And it’s not just Becca. He’d be giving up Logan and Sam and his other friends too. His parents as well, even though he never really sees them much lately. “We’d figure it out,” he says somewhat weakly.

“Sam,” Steve says quietly, “I think you should stop the car.”

Sam looks surprised as he glances at Bucky for confirmation.

Bucky takes a second but then decides. “Don’t stop the car, Sammy,” he says with a deep breath.

“Buck—” Steve tries again.

Bucky turns in his seat to look at Steve. “Don’t _Buck_ me. It’s my turn to talk, alright?” he glares challengingly. “I was in the army, I know all about leaving people behind and missing them. And then I lost my fucking arm and that showed me what the most important things in life are. And guess what?” he says with an annoyed huff. “It’s _you_. You’re the most important thing in my life. So you can sit there and complain and bitch and try and convince me otherwise, but until you tell me you don’t love me, you’re stuck with me. That is my fucking choice.”

Steve stares at him, brow furrowed but eyes so full of love that Bucky knows there’s no way he would say that. Bucky wouldn’t believe it even if Steve could manage to. Steve visibly deflates a little and Bucky knows he’s not going to argue again.

A second later, he leans forward to grab Bucky round the back of the neck and pulls him into a bruising kiss.

Bucky makes a noise of surprise against his mouth and then feels Steve fumble for his seatbelt and then he’s unclipped it and Bucky’s clambering into the backseat with Steve’s help through the narrow gap between the front seats, accidently kicking Sam a little in the process.

“Aw, come on,” Sam complains, as Bucky gets onto Steve’s lap. “Can you please go back to fighting?”

Bucky’s too busy kissing Steve for all he’s worth to listen.

“I guess I’ll just drive without looking in my mirror then,” Sam grumbles. “God, you two are the worst.”

Steve’s hands are clutching Bucky’s waist, fingers under his shirt, and Bucky doesn’t have a clue what Sam is saying.

“This is dangerous,” Sam protests again.

Steve apparently _is_ listening as he moves Bucky across to his own seat, peppering his face with kisses as he does so and then fastens Bucky’s seatbelt, before leaning in to reach his face with his hands and they kiss with seatbelts straining against them.

“Oh well, fuck, that’s better,” Sam says sarcastically.

When Steve finally pulls away, he looks at Bucky like he’s the only thing in the world to him and Bucky knows he’s made the right choice. Steve grips Bucky’s hand with his and looks down at their entwined fingers. “I can’t believe you’re doing this,” he says softly, probably hoping Sam won’t eavesdrop.

Bucky looks at him carefully, trying to sense where he’s going with this. “You’re not going to argue with me again, are you?” he asks, keeping his tone even, but fully prepared to fight it out again if he has to.

Steve shakes his head. “I just…I love you so fucking much,” Steve says vehemently, making Bucky turn a little red.

Bucky looks at him with all the love in the world in his heart. This man kills him. He doesn’t know how he got so lucky. “Then you know why I’m doing this,” he tells Steve, squeezing his hand.

“I know,” Steve concedes, looking down again. “I just never thought I’d have this, I never thought I’d have someone who cared about me this much.” He looks back up at Bucky, his long lashes framing the profound look in his eyes.

“You deserve everything, Stevie. I love you more than I knew I _could_ love someone.” Bucky can’t overstate that fact. He never knew this was what love was. Never knew it could be this much. “I’m yours and you’re mine,” he continues. “You’re stuck with me.”

Steve’s eyes bore into his. “I’ll do everything I can to make this right,” Steve promises him determinedly.

“I know you will, baby,” Bucky says with a soft smile. “Just remember it wasn’t wrong. You protected Wanda. You did the right thing.”

“Thank you,” Steve says softly, voice genuine. Bucky can tell him saying that means something to Steve, that he deeply cares about what Bucky thinks.

“Uh, if you two are done, I’m gonna need more directions at some point,” Sam speaks up, pulling Bucky’s eyes away from Steve.

“Sam, you really don’t have to drive us. I can get us there,” Steve replies, his voice much softer now than when he spoke to Sam before.

“It’s not a problem, man. Peach-pie asked, I deliver, you know how it is,” he says with a smile in the rearview mirror. “How far are we talking though?”

“Not too far. Maybe an hour or so,” Steve replies, while squeezing Bucky’s hand a little. “Clint and Wanda should be there already.”

Bucky squeezes his hand back. “It’s gonna be okay. We’ll figure it out when we get there,” he tells Steve.

Steve nods, but looks forlorn. Bucky wishes there was something he could do to make things better, but it’s out of his hands. They don’t know what’s going to happen now. Everything in the future suddenly seems uncertain. All Bucky can do is try and stay calm and hope that things work out. They have to work out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to split the chapter in the end, it was so long. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and commenting and kudosing 💜
> 
> Omg Endgame in two weeks 😵 I don't think I'll get this done by then, plus who knows, maybe I'll incorporate Endgame in. Or maybe I'll die watching it. One of the two.


	22. Soulmates

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter assumes that the Avengers never went to Clint's safehouse during the Ultron thing. Just go with it. And obviously no secret family here.

Clint’s safehouse is a farm in the middle of nowhere. The last part of the journey seems to take the longest, driving down back roads so small they can barely be called roads, but they make it there, Sam’s car bumping along as he pulls up on the grass.

Clint greets them all when they arrive, mood much more upbeat than Bucky had been expecting as he leads them into the house. It’s a nice place, open, with lots of light. Not at all like the dark, windowless safehouse Bucky had been imagining.

Wanda is sitting on the burnt orange sofa, looking lost, as they enter the living room. She looks up at them as they enter. “You made it,” she says, relief in her voice.

Steve nods at her. “You doing okay?”

Wanda nods, but Bucky can see that she’s not. He looks over at Clint from where he’s basically almost hidden behind Steve and Sam and signs to him, asking if they can have a minute.

Clint slightly nods at him. “Why don’t I show you around, show you where you can put your stuff down,” he suggests to Steve.

Steve’s holding Bucky’s duffel bag in his hand. “Thanks.”

“Where’s Natasha?” Sam asks as he follows Clint, and Bucky hears Clint start to explain.

Steve looks back at Bucky when he realises he’s not with them. “Buck, you coming?”

“You go ahead,” Bucky replies with a little smile, and Steve looks between him and Wanda and seems to get it as he continues to follow Clint out the room while Clint starts chattering about the house.

Bucky moves over and sits down next to Wanda. “You okay?” he asks softly.

Now it’s just them, she shrugs. “I don’t know what I am,” she says, looking vacantly across the room.

“I know what you are to me,” Bucky tells her, and she turns her head to look at him with those lost eyes again. “You’re a hero.”

“I killed people,” she replies in a dead tone.

“You saved Steve,” Bucky says, trying to imbue his voice with just how important that is to him, and how grateful he is. “You did the best you could with the situation you were in,” he tells her, meeting her eyes firmly. “I know you know that. I know everyone’s scared and treating you like you did something wrong, but you didn’t.” He takes her hand when he sees it shaking and her eyes getting glassy. “You saved my heart. If I live to be one hundred, I’ll never be able to repay you for that. But I want you to know, even though it’s not much, you’ve got me in your corner for life.”

Wanda blinks at him, tears threatening her eyes, so Bucky reaches over and hugs her. She feels so small in his arms, this delicate person who holds so much power and so young at that. He pulls back after a moment and meets her eyes again. “Thank you,” he says unwaveringly. “Thank you for saving him.”

Wanda smiles a tiny bit. “He saved me too.”

Bucky smiles back. “Yeah, he’s pretty cool like that.”

She looks down at her hands where they’re now resting in her lap. “But now…what happens now? We’re on the run, because of me.”

“Because of _me_ ,” Steve interrupts as he and the others return to the room.

“And me,” Clint pipes up.

“We made that choice. What they were doing…keeping you there...” Steve sighs. “It was wrong. I wasn’t going to sit by and let it happen. That’s not on you,” he tells Wanda.

“But what do we do now?” Wanda asks, looking up at him.

“I don’t know yet,” Steve admits. “But we’re going to figure it out. Together,” he adds, looking at Bucky as he says it.

“Speaking of together,” Clint cuts in, looking at his phone. “Scott needs our help.”

“Scott?” Bucky asks. He doesn’t think Clint’s talking about _his_ Scott, but he’s never heard Steve mention anyone with that name.

“Ant-Man,” Steve explains to him, as though that makes more sense. “He’s a friend of Clint’s.” He looks over at Clint. “What’s happening?”

“His friend, Hope, texted me. Scott’s been arrested,” Clint explains, frowning, looking serious for once.

“By Tony?” Steve frowns back.

“By Tony and or other people formally known as our friends and teammates,” Clint says wryly. “They’ve got him at the Avengers’ facility.”

“What for?” Steve asks, not looking amused.

Clint sighs. “I guess Scott sometimes uses his suit to do somewhat…illegal things?” he says carefully. “Not bad things,” he adds hastily. “Just…things the government doesn’t approve of.”

Steve shakes his head, with a little angry exhale of breath, crossing his arms over his chest. “If you vouch for him, then I’m not leaving him there. We’ll get him out.”

“Agreed,” Clint replies. “But we’re a little low on superpowered people right now. Their team’s a bit bigger than ours and it’s gonna take more than us two—”

“Three,” Wanda cuts in, sudden fierce determination in her eyes.

“Three,” Clint continues smoothly with a grateful nod of his head at her, “to get him out. Wish we knew where Thor and Bruce are.”

Steve looks down for a moment. “Well, we don’t,” he sighs, before looking up again. “We’re all we’ve got. And we’ve gotta do this before they move him somewhere. It’s only a matter of time before they decide to make some sort of prison just for people like us.”

Bucky feels both scared and proud as he listens quietly to them. He wishes they didn’t have to do this, but he knows they do. Steve isn’t the type to leave a man behind. He can’t help but agree with Clint though, and wishes Thor or Bruce were around too. And then Sam speaks up and surprises them all.

“I, uh…maybe you’ve got four,” Sam says, all eyes going to him. He looks a little worried as they stare at him. “I got something that means I could help.”

 

****

 

Bucky thought he was done being surprised. He’s had enough revelations in the last year that he thought he could handle anything. Finding out his best friend can essentially fly apparently means that isn’t the case. Sam shows them all the backpack he brought with him, which turns out to be some insane military wing tech that means he can literally fly. Bucky can’t believe he never told him this is what he did in the Air Force. He feels a little hurt to be honest, but it’s not the time to go into that now. Now, he’s more worried than anything.

Sam sheepishly admits that he may have stolen the tech, which means not only did his best friend lie to him, but he’s also a felon. Bucky stays quiet as Sam puts the thing on and demonstrates it outside. It’s pretty incredible, the things he can do. He remains quiet as Sam lands lightly on the grass and Steve starts to argue with him about how dangerous this mission could be, and Sam argues right back that he wants to help and that he knows what he’s getting himself into.

Bucky listens as they all discuss it until eventually Sam, with some help from Clint, seems to convince Steve, pointing out how it could be a big help. Even Wanda chips in that an extra person means they’re more likely to succeed in their rescue mission. He can feel Sam looking at him as they talk, but Bucky can’t meet his eyes right now. He just lets them all talk until it’s decided.

They head inside together to start planning. Bucky trails behind, feeling properly out of place for the first time since he’s been with Steve. It’s entirely obvious to him that he’s the weak link here. There’s nothing he can contribute to this. He continues to listen quietly, feeling useless, while they sit round the kitchen table.

Eventually Bucky gets up and excuses himself with the pretext of going to the bathroom, but they barely acknowledge it, too deep into their plans looking at the layout of the Avengers’ facility, even Steve’s focus not on Bucky for once.

He goes out to the front porch instead and sits in one of the old rocking chairs out there, taking a deep breath of the fresh air. It’s still warm, even as the day turns to evening, but the air here feels so much cleaner than in Brooklyn and it’s so quiet. Bucky’s not been somewhere so quiet in a long time. It’s nice. It settles him somehow.

He’s not sure if any of them have even noticed that he’s been gone a while as he sits out there, but a minute or two later, Sam appears outside.

“Hey, peach-pie,” he says gently as he approaches.

“Hey,” Bucky replies, not really looking up.

The other rocking chair creaks a little as Sam sits next to him and then Sam lets out a big sigh. “I know,” he says, voice sounding guilty. “Why didn’t I tell you, right?” He sighs again, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his thighs. “But it’s not like we talk about that stuff. You never talk about your time in the army and I didn’t want to talk about mine in the Air Force. I wasn’t trying to lie to you, but I just…there wasn’t any reason to tell you.”

“And now?” Bucky replies. “Now you want to go off and be like the Avengers and risk your life?” The words come out more tired than bitter. This whole day has been a lot to deal with and he feels like the fight’s gone out of him.

Sam sighs again and doesn’t speak for a moment. “I lost someone,” he starts, voice cracking a little. “My wingman, Riley, flying a night mission, standard PJ rescue op, nothing we hadn't done a thousand times before, till an RPG knocked Riley's damn ass out of the sky. Nothing I could do, like I was up there just to watch.”

Bucky looks over at him properly for the first time, suddenly feeling immensely remorseful, taking in Sam’s pained face. “I…I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”

Sam shrugs. “Course you didn’t. I didn’t tell you.” His eyes look sad, full of memories as he looks out across the fields. “You know what Logan is for you?” he says and Bucky nods. “That’s what Riley was for me out there. Always had my back. Kept me going.” He pauses for a moment and looks down. “The thing is, I gotta do this. I want to help get their friend out, cause it’s the right thing to do. It’s what Riley would have done.” He looks at Bucky again. “It’s what you’d do,” he adds, fixing his eyes on Bucky’s.

“Yeah, except I’m fucking useless,” Bucky bites back. That’s why he’s really feeling like shit—because he can’t do anything to help. He’s not got powers or special skills or anything. He’s nothing. Just Bucky, the idiot who fell in love with someone so far out of his league it should be impossible that he loves him back.

“You’re not useless,” Sam rebukes, giving him a reproving look.

Bucky rolls his eyes, looking away. “Right.”

“You know why Wanda wants to fight?” Sam tells him, waiting until Bucky meets his eyes to continue. “Because you picked her up again. She was down and you came in and you helped her. You stopped her feeling like she wasn’t in control. She needed that. To know that someone was on her side,” Sam tells him. “And Steve? Steve thinks he has to take on the weight of the world on his admittedly very broad shoulders. But you’ve shown him he doesn’t. He can rely on you to be there for him, to help shoulder some of the burden and make him see that he’s not alone. He needs that. He needs to have someone he loves to fight for. To make sure he comes home, because he knows you’ll be there waiting. And Clint…well, I think Clint just likes you,” he finishes with a little grin.

Bucky can’t help the small smile on his face.

“So don’t ever think you’re useless,” Sam continues. “You light those people up. Just like you always have for me.”

Bucky’s heart feels so full of gratitude for Sam in that moment. Maybe he can’t help in the same way, but maybe Sam is right. He helps in his own way. Maybe that’s just as important as being able to fly or throw someone clear across a room.

“Are you gonna cry now?” Bucky asks Sam with a little smirk, raising his eyebrows, because he has to joke or else _he’ll_ cry. “You need a hug?” he offers.

Sam shakes his head and rolls his eyes. “You’re such a dick.”

“But a useful one,” Bucky grins back at him.

Sam rolls his eyes so hard, Bucky thinks he must sprain them. “Yeah, a useful dick, sure.”

“Steve thinks my dick is useful,” Bucky grumbles at him.

“Okay, yeah, no. We’re not doing this,” Sam shakes his head, getting up from his chair, leaving it rocking behind him.

“Ah come on, don’t you want to hear just how well I put my dick to use?” he calls after him as Sam clamps his hands over his ears.

“Save it for your boyfriend!” he yells back as he goes back into the house.

 _Yeah_ , Bucky thinks. He just might.

 

****

 

As night falls, Clint shows them all their rooms. The place is big enough that they can each have their own bedrooms with Bucky and Steve sharing one, of course.

Bucky can tell Steve’s restless as they get ready for bed. He knows he wants to get out there now and find Scott and get him back here, but they aren’t ready yet. Steve won’t go without being sure of his plan, Bucky knows that. They’d spent a long time discussing it, Bucky feeling a bit better after his talk with Sam, until eventually Clint called time out and forced them all to eat and then get to bed, figuring they all needed their rest after the day they’d had.

Bucky did his best to show he was supportive even if he still felt a little out of place. Steve had checked he was okay when he and Sam had gone back in, and he just nodded and gave him a small smile and Steve had accepted that.

Bucky figures maybe they’ll talk about it later. Right now, he’s going to do his best to help Steve relax. That’s what he’s there for, that’s something he can do. He can take care of Steve the way no one else can, because Steve won’t let anyone else, and that feels important to Bucky. It makes him feel significant.

Steve goes to wash up at the bathroom down the hall and Bucky puts his ‘make Steve relax’ plan into action. He strips off his shirt and pants and lays back on the bed in just his boxer briefs, pulling them a little low on the hips, and fanning his hair out to settle on the pillow behind him. He knows how Steve loves his hair.

It seems to have the desired effect. Steve stops short as he enters the room and takes in the sight before him, before he comes back to himself and closes the door behind him.

“Buck,” he says softly, almost reverently, gaze going down Bucky’s body and back up.

Bucky smiles softly at him, feeling himself getting a little hard just from Steve looking at him like that. “I know everything kinda sucks right now, but I think that’s a morning kinda problem, don’t you?” he says, trying to make his voice a little seductive. He holds out his hand to Steve, trying to get him to come closer.

It works as though he’s a magnet pulling Steve to him. Steve moves closer to the bed until he sits down on the edge at Bucky’s side. “I can’t believe everything you did for me today,” he says softly, his hand finding its way to stroke Bucky’s hair back a little.

Bucky sits up a bit so he can slide his hand onto Steve’s shoulder, shaking his head a little. “We’re not talking about that right now. Right now, I want you to relax and just be with me. Let’s just pretend the rest of the world doesn’t exist, okay?” he requests softly. He thought Steve needed this, but he realises he needs it just as much. It’s been one of the most stressful days of his life, after all.

Steve gives him a warm smile back. “You are my world, Buck.”

Bucky rolls his eyes and smirks a little. “Alright, Rogers, quit trying to be smooth. I’m a done deal, you don’t gotta butter me up.”

Steve grins back at him. “Never gonna stop trying to make you feel as special as you are, sorry, sweetheart.”

Bucky groans and drops down onto his back dramatically. “Oh god, I’m being smothered in cheese!” he laughs and Steve laughs with him. It’s a glorious sound. One Bucky didn’t realise he’d been missing. He smiles at the bright look on Steve’s face for a moment. “Alright, get those pants off, baby. Shirt too,” he adds before Steve does something dumb like leave his shirt on, thinking he’s funny.

Steve, sometimes being good at following orders, complies, and his clothes get quickly discarded to the floor, so he’s just in his boxers, with Bucky’s dog tags hanging round his neck.

Once he gets on the bed, Bucky gets him lying on his back and works his way down to his boxers. “Don’t have any need for these either,” he murmurs with a little smirk, lifting the elastic waistband over Steve’s already hard cock and pulling them down and off. He takes him into his mouth with no warning, Steve’s hips bucking off the bed as a startled moan comes out of him.

Bucky pulls off and shushes him. “Gotta be quiet, baby, we’re not here alone, remember.”

Steve makes a face like the idea of that pains him before Bucky takes his cock into his mouth again, enjoying the weight of it on his tongue, then tightens his lips before sliding down the shaft. Steve fists the bedcovers, looking very much like he’d like to moan but he’s forcing himself to hold back now.

There’s another advantage to having two arms and two hands again, one Bucky’s been delighting in over the last couple of months. Bucky switches hands, so he’s gripping the base of Steve’s cock gently with his metal fingers, being extra careful not to hold too tight, moving his right hand to fondle Steve’s balls.

Steve makes a choked gasping sound. “Fuck, sweetheart.”

Bucky looks up at him, not worried, knowing it’s a good kind of gasp. It didn’t take long once Bucky started feeling comfortable with using his metal hand to touch Steve, that it became apparent that it didn’t seem to matter to Steve either way. Right from the start, he’s treated the prosthetic arm as just another part of Bucky. Bucky loves him for that.

Well, he loves him for a lot of reasons, he muses, as he squeezes with his metal hand ever so slightly, thankful for the level of control he has with it, as he gets another whispered moan out of Steve. He moves his other hand lower so he can trace his finger over Steve’s hole and then he pauses in realisation.

“Fuck,” he bites out as he pulls his mouth off Steve for a moment.

Steve seems to snap out of his lust haze for a moment. “What’s wrong?” he asks instantly, face clouding with worry.

“No, no, it’s okay,” Bucky tries to placate him, realising he’s close to ruining the moment. “I just didn’t pack any lube,” Bucky admits, feeling like an idiot. In fairness, he really wasn’t thinking about sex when he was packing. He looks at Steve’s face. “I’m guessing you don’t have any either?”

Steve shakes his head.

Bucky sighs. He wanted to tease Steve a little and he really, really wanted Steve to fuck him tonight, to feel close and safe and all the other wonderful feelings that sex with Steve brings with it. “We’ll have to go shopping,” Bucky says, before getting his mouth back on Steve’s dick. He doesn’t even know where the nearest store might be, but he’s definitely going to find it tomorrow.

“Come up here,” Steve requests with a little moan, before he can get a good rhythm going again.

Bucky frowns and pulls off him again, with a kiss to the tip of his cock, before he pulls himself up, so his face is level with Steve’s. “I’m kinda in the middle of something,” he says with a little smirk.

Steve runs his fingers into Bucky’s hair, pulling him closer, gently, before practically mauling Bucky with kisses. It’s so not fair, because Bucky was supposed to be the seducer here and not the other way round and now Steve’s making him whimper and writhe above him.

“Get out of those,” Steve murmurs to Bucky, and Bucky obeys, yanking his boxers down enough so his dick is free and then Steve licks his hand and wraps it around him and his own cock, and Bucky’s eyes roll back. God, it feels good having Steve’s perfect cock pressed against his, soft skin rubbing against his.

Steve rubs his thumb over the leaking head of Bucky’s cock, making him moan, letting the pre-come help with the slide, until he’s jerking them both quickly, need clearly outweighing the idea of making it last. Bucky can feel it building up, balls tightening, and god, he loves Steve so fucking much, how he knows exactly how to touch him and make his whole body feel like it’s electric and alive, and with a groan he’s coming, hot and wet over Steve’s hand and cock and stomach and it’s the best fucking feeling in the world.

“You’re so goddamn sexy,” Steve moans out while Bucky basically collapses on his chest and two seconds later, he feels Steve’s come spurting between them and hears Steve panting in pleasure.

“Fuuuuck,” Bucky drawls once he can speak again, rolling onto his back next to Steve, dog tags clinking as he flings his arm up over his face. He feels like all the tension of the day just disappeared. He feels boneless and floaty and happy.

“Jesus,” Steve says, voice dark and lustful.

Bucky shifts his arm and turns and lifts his head to look at him. “What?” he asks, before he sees Steve’s staring at his chest where he’s splattered with come. He drops his head back down. “Oh whatever, I’ll clean up in a minute.”

“I’ll clean up for you,” Steve murmurs and then Steve’s tongue is running over his chest.

“Holy fuck, that’s hot,” Bucky startles, watching as Steve licks his way across his chest. “That shouldn’t be that hot,” he murmurs with wide eyes, breath hitching a little when Steve runs his tongue over his nipple.

“You drive me so crazy,” Steve hums against his chest. “So goddamn sexy all the time, never turn it off…” He licks his way down to clean up Bucky’s softening cock.

Bucky’s dick twitches in a valiant attempt to show interest, but he’s too wiped out to get hard again anytime soon. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t enjoy the feeling of Steve’s mouth travelling over him or watching it like the best porn he’s ever seen.

When Steve’s decided he’s clean enough, he uses his discarded shirt to clean his own chest off before Bucky can offer.

Bucky sighs happily, feeling warm and content. “See…no way was I living without that,” Bucky tells him with a little grin.

Steve drops his shirt to the floor and looks over at him. “Buck,” he says admonishingly.

“Nope.” Bucky reaches out to grab his arm and yanks until Steve gives in and lies down with him and Bucky manhandles him until he’s spooning Steve, yanking the covers up over them. He runs his hand over Steve’s partially still tacky stomach, not caring about that. “This is all mine. No one’s taking this away from me.” He presses a kiss to Steve’s neck as he turns so he can look at Bucky. He shifts slightly and moves his hand to Steve’s cheek, looking into those still slightly troubled blue eyes of his.

Steve’s face softens when Bucky plants a small chaste kiss on his lips.

Bucky smiles softly at him, stroking his fingers over Steve’s cheek. “Oh yeah…definitely keeping this forever.”

And he means it. He may as well have proposed to Steve when he ran here to meet him, because that’s what that choice really meant. He’s in this forever. Maybe Steve is right and he didn’t really think it through when he ran to meet him, but that’s how he ended up spending his last few hours—just thinking about everything, while they planned. And he ended up at the same conclusion. It was the right choice. Steve is it for him and he’s not going to let anything keep him from Steve.

Not ever.

 

****

 

In the morning, Bucky wakes up with Steve wrapped round him, holding his head again. He has no idea why unconscious Steve likes to do that, but it happens often and always reminds him of that first time Steve stayed on Christmas Eve.

Bucky smiles to himself as he yawns himself awake and tries to untangle himself. Steve makes that cute noise of protest that he does before he wakes, moving to wrap his arms around Bucky’s chest instead, and presses a kiss to the back of Bucky’s neck.

“Mornin’” Steve murmurs.

Bucky lets out a little happy hum and relaxes into Steve’s warmth. Getting up is overrated. What was his rush.

Sadly, as Steve starts to wake up properly, Bucky can feel him change from happy and relaxed to worried and ready for action. Bucky wishes he could keep Steve here instead of going off to rescue Scott, but he knows he can’t.

“So…yesterday…” Steve starts as he pulls away a little, hitching up the bed so he’s half sitting up.

Bucky sighs and rolls from his side onto his back, looking up at Steve. He can see Steve’s perfect square jaw from underneath this way. “Mmm?” he murmurs.

“I’m sorry. I know this isn’t what we planned, but I can’t leave Scott there,” Steve apologises, but with fire in his eyes.

“I know.” Bucky doesn’t begrudge him this—it’s the right thing to do. He’s just worried. “I just wish I was more useful,” he admits quietly.

Steve frowns at him, reaching down with his hand to touch Bucky’s cheek. “What do you mean?”

Bucky shrugs, feeling a little self-conscious. “I mean, you guys all have powers or special skills or tech and I’m just…I mean, I have my army training and I was a pretty good shot, but I don’t…I’m not anything like you guys.”

“Logan told me you were a sniper,” Steve tells him.

Bucky glances over, surprised. “He did?”

Steve nods gently. “Mmhm. That sounds to me like you’re more than a pretty good shot.” Steve looks a little uncomfortable now as he seems to struggle with his words. “Um, and you know…you kinda do have tech,” he says, looking like he’s bracing himself.

Bucky frowns in confusion and pulls himself up to sitting, turning to look at Steve. “Huh?”

Steve looks over at Bucky’s left side. “Your arm. I don’t know if you know how strong you are.”

Bucky glances down at his hand, bending his fingers. He’s never really thought of his arm in that way, but now he thinks about it, it _is_ pretty strong. He had to learn to be careful with it, so he didn’t grab things too hard, like he did that time with his chair. “I guess it _is_ pretty strong?” Bucky voices his thoughts with a questioning look at Steve.

Steve gives him a little kind smile. “It’s vibranium, Buck. You can punch through steel if you want to.”

“I can?” Bucky replies, feeling a little shocked, staring at his hand again. Why did no one ever tell him that? He supposes he doesn’t really have a need to do that sort of thing usually, but then why exactly did Tony make an arm this strong if he didn’t think someone would use it that way? Maybe Tony just can’t help making things a little over the top?

Bucky suddenly realises what that means. “So I can help then?” he tells Steve, a little happiness blooming in him. It’s not that he wants to fight, but if all his friends are going, he doesn’t want to be left behind, and suddenly he has something that could be helpful, at least a little bit.

Steve looks conflicted, like he very much wants to say no. He lets out a breath. “You know I’d love nothing more than to make you stay here, safe, where no one can hurt you, but I feel like if I suggest that, you’re probably gonna yell at me,” he says, with a little eyebrow raise.

Bucky can’t help the slow smile that appears on his face. “You’re right about that, Rogers.”

Steve sighs softly. “Well then I guess we should go and talk to the others, get this plan together?”

Bucky grins as Steve starts getting up, amazed that Steve isn’t arguing this. “Isn’t that what they used to say about you? Star-spangled man with a plan?” he teases, then gets a little lost in staring at Steve’s very naked ass as he gets out of bed.

Steve rolls his eyes. “Something like that.”

Bucky follows him in getting up and wraps himself around Steve from behind as Steve reaches for a massively creased t-shirt from the duffle bag. “Thank you,” he mumbles before kissing Steve’s shoulder, running his hands over his abs just a little.

“For what?” Steve asks, covering Bucky’s right hand with his own.

“For not making me feel useless,” Bucky admits. “For not making me stay behind.” He nuzzles Steve’s neck a little and pulls away. He appreciates it more than he can explain.

Steve looks like a complex range of emotions run through him as he turns and looks at Bucky. “I’m giving you the least dangerous job,” he finally says, in his Cap voice. “No arguments.”

Bucky lets his face turn into a little glower, but he rolls his eyes and agrees. He knows there’s no point arguing it with Steve. Even if Bucky was the most powerful of them all, Steve would probably still give him the safest job. Bucky can’t find it in himself to be mad though. It might be overprotective of him, but it also just reminds Bucky how much Steve loves him. And he could never be mad about that.

Steve seems satisfied and lifts the t-shirt again, but Bucky takes it from him. “Yeah…you need to shower,” he says with a grin, thinking of how Steve cleaned up last night.

Steve frowns and then looks down at his chest. “Oh. Right.” He looks at Bucky, whose eyes have definitely not wandered to Steve’s beautiful dick, and sighs. “We probably can’t get away with showering together here, can we?”

Bucky forces his eyes up to Steve’s face and gives him a wry smile. “Knowing our luck, someone would walk in on us.”

Steve raises his eyes to the ceiling for a second. “You’re probably right about that,” he says with a little crooked smile.

Bucky grins and locates Steve’s boxers on the floor and flings them over at him. “Go,” he orders. “Can’t go saving people smelling like that,” he jokes.

Steve pulls them on and then heads to the door, opening it as he grabs a towel from the back of it, to find Sam right there, just walking past their room.

Sam stops, sees the state Steve’s in, then Bucky, who had luckily pulled his boxers back on to sleep in, and then he lets out a startled yelp and covers his eyes. “No, no, no, I did not need to see that!” he complains, already turning away.

“We’ve both got underwear on, don’t be such a prude!” Bucky calls to him.

“You’ve got sex hair!” Sam calls back, trying to walk away, still covering his eyes, bumping into a little table in the hallway as he does.

Bucky frowns and lifts his hand to his hair. It’s a little bird’s nesty. “This is nothing!” he yells after Sam. “You should see me when Steve really gets going!”

He hears Sam squawk and then his footsteps running down the stairs to get away from them.

Steve gives him an exasperated look from where he’s still in the doorway, looking slightly mortified. “Did you have to? Really?”

Bucky smiles back proudly.

Steve rolls his eyes and shakes his head. “You’re terrible.”

“But that’s why you like me, right?”

Steve huffs in amusement. “Sure, Buck. That’s why."

Bucky grins back as Steve goes out to the hallway, heading to the bathroom.

Bucky wishes they could just stay here, he thinks, as he tidies the bedcovers and puts all their dirty clothes into the side pocket of his bag. He opens the curtains a little to see their view over the fields. It’s really beautiful here. He doesn’t know what’s going to happen, doesn’t know if they’ll be staying here for long, but it’s not so bad. There are things he needs to think about, to process properly, but for now…for now he’s okay. This was a good idea, he thinks.

 

****

 

This was a bad idea. Bucky never should have come. What was he thinking? Why does he never think things through?

He stares at the redhead, slightly panicked, wondering what to do.

Natasha stares back, not making a move, but eyeing him curiously.

Bucky might have a metal arm, but he doesn’t think he could use it to hit Natasha. Not just because she’s a woman, but because she’s sort of his friend, or was. He’s not supposed to be here to fight. Plus he doubts he’d even get a chance to get close to her before she took him out.

They’re on the quinjet Clint stole. Clint had made sure it was untrackable before he’d taken it home and Steve had given Bucky the task of piloting it and after a fairly simple lesson from Clint, he’d been ready for his task. Steve seemed happy enough with Bucky waiting, keeping the thing cloaked and hovering so he could pick them up once they broke Scott out the Avengers’ facility, and it made Bucky feel useful, even if it turned out that he didn’t even need the strength of his arm for any of it. Knowing he had that made him feel a bit better though, as it seemed to for Steve as well.

Steve and the others had jumped out, Wanda making them land safely, and then they were off on their rescue mission. It’s been eight minutes. Bucky’s been keeping time. He was also keeping an eye out, but he didn’t see Natasha coming. He still has no clue how she got up here. He’s a good forty feet up above the roof of the facility. He supposes if she saw the others jump out then the cloaking was redundant, but he’s still puzzling over how she got up here.

“Barnes,” Natasha starts.

He gives her a small smile. “Hey, Nat. Long time no see.” It’s been a good couple of months since she last stopped by the house. Steve said she’d been out on missions a lot.

That makes her pause and a little hint of a smile does appear on her face.

“You can still call me Bucky, you know,” Bucky tells her, while taking a little glance at the clock. The mission is planned to take thirteen minutes. If it takes longer, something’s wrong. But something’s already wrong. Bucky’s ruined their escape plan because Natasha is on their quinjet.

“Does Steve know you’re here?” she drawls in that husky voice of hers.

Bucky lets out a breath. “Look, if you’re gonna arrest someone, arrest me. Please just leave Steve and the others alone?” he implores her. “Please.” He fixes his eyes on hers.

Natasha definitely smiles now. “No offense, but you’re not really the problem here.”

Bucky scowls a little. She’s got a point. He’s flustered and doesn’t know what to do, but she’s right. Why the hell would they want him when they could arrest Steve and Wanda and Clint. He tries something else. “Nat, they’re arresting your friends. Doesn’t that bother you?” he asks her in disbelief.

She stops smiling and a flicker of something goes across her face. Like usual, it’s unreadable.

“I know you agree with the Accords and all, but is this what you wanted? Steve being a wanted man? He’s not done anything wrong,” Bucky frowns at her a little.

Natasha lifts her eyebrows a little. “He’s breaking into a secure facility to release a criminal as we speak,” she reminds him.

Bucky shrugs. “Well, okay. Maybe one thing wrong,” he says with a wry smile, and he swears Natasha almost looks amused. “But for the right reason. And Wanda wasn’t a criminal and they had her locked up too.”

Natasha sighs at him like an annoyed parent talking to a child. “Being under house arrest and being locked up is not the same thing.”

“Both are still a cage,” he fires back. He checks the clock. Ten minutes gone. He needs to try quicker to convince her. He doesn’t know what else he can do. He meets her eyes again. “You really want to let them arrest Steve? He’s your friend. And what about Clint? You guys go way back, I don’t even know how far. You can’t be okay with him being in prison for doing what’s right.”

Natasha’s face softens. “This…it’s not what I wanted. I didn’t agree to this.”

“So don’t,” Bucky tells her, hope creeping into his heart. “You can come with us. You’ll be safe, I promise.”

Natasha smiles softly. “You’re a sweetheart. But don’t worry about me. I can take care of myself.”

Movement catches Bucky’s eye and he looks over to the window to see his friends barreling back through the door. Sam’s flying overhead, giving them aerial cover. They all look to be in one piece. In only a minute, they’ll be near enough and Wanda will float them all up here. And Bucky’s still got Natasha on the plane.

And shit. There are agents following after them, Bucky sees now. Wanda’s holding them off, as well as Sam now and of course Steve with his shield. Bucky can’t tell if they’re firing actual bullets at his friends or something less deadly, but his heart is thumping and he’s about to panic as the rooftop looks close to becoming a full-on battle zone. This isn’t what they planned.

Natasha’s looking too. She frowns and then looks back up at Bucky. “Take care of them,” she says, and then she jumps back out the open hatch of the plane.

Bucky stumbles forward to see that she’s on some sort of wire that she attached to the quinjet, thank god, and she lands easily and safely back on the roof, just in time for Clint to notice her before firing an arrow her way. But before Bucky can even wonder what she might do, she throws something at an agent, sending him convulsing to the floor, and then fires at another, causing the same effect.

Bucky sees Steve look over in surprise and then sees Clint smiling as Natasha launches into helping them fend the agents off. There aren’t many yet and there’s no superpowered people yet. In only a minute, all the agents are down. He takes a deep breath as he looks at Steve, trying to see if he’s injured, but he seems fine. They all seem fine.

He watches as Natasha stops to talk with Steve and Clint as he jogs over to join them, while Wanda stays near a guy who must be Scott and Sam flies lower, but still keeping an eye out.

They’ve got to get out of there before more people come. Before maybe Tony or Vision turn up. Bucky can’t hear what they’re saying anyway, so there’s no point watching them. He crosses the plane floor to get back to the pilot seat. He needs to be ready to go.

Only thirty seconds later, footsteps clonk down and Bucky turns to see Scott landing on the hatch, followed by Clint, Steve and Wanda, and then finally Sam.

“Nat?” Bucky can’t help asking, as he tries to study Steve for any injury again at the same time.

Steve just shakes his head very slightly.

“Time to go,” Clint tells him, and Bucky does as he’s told. He closes up the hatch and gets the fuck out of there, almost knocking them off their feet at the speed he accelerates.

The plan is to follow a really complicated route, keeping them flying for a few hours, until Clint can be sure no one’s following, before they take a route back home. Bucky flies higher up into the clouds.

“Everyone okay?” Bucky asks without looking back as he concentrates on flying. He’d love to get back there and check on Steve, but that’s not his job right now.

“We’re all okay,” Wanda confirms for him from somewhere behind.

Steve is by his side a few seconds later. Bucky glances over quickly. “You good, Rogers?” he asks softly.

Steve reaches and squeezes his hand where it’s busy steering. “We’re good, Buck.”

“Nat?” Bucky questions again.

“She helped us,” Steve confirms.

Bucky nods. “I saw. She didn’t come with you though.”

“I’m scanning now,” Clint’s voice interrupts and Bucky nods. Clint’s checking for anything following while Bucky flies.

“No. But she’s okay. That’s what matters,” Steve says, sliding into the co-pilot seat next to Bucky. “She told me to tell you something,” Steve tells him.

Bucky glances over again. “Yeah? What was that?”

Steve smiles softly at him. “She said to tell you to take care of me,” he says, a little laugh in his voice.

“Well, yeah,” Bucky replies. “Obviously.”

Steve chuckles. “And to be happy.”

Bucky smiles to himself. Yeah, he thinks he can do that too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're in the Endgame now... *laughs evilly and then dissolves into weeping* Around three or four chapters left.
> 
> Hope you liked this chapter, let me know if you like? :) Thank you so much to everyone who's taken the time to leave a comment on this, I appreciate it so so much.


	23. Broken Promise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dramarama...

Bucky’s instantly warmed to Scott. He’s a lot, but he’s funny and optimistic and sort of a breath of fresh air for them. With all the craziness, Bucky thinks he’s just what they need.

Because the thing is, no one seems to know what next.

Steve’s friends are safe, for now. But they are all fugitives. Scott has a daughter that he can’t see. Bucky can’t even imagine how awful that must be for him. But at least he’s not in an off-books government prison, as small a comfort as that must be.

Clint is the best of them for staying positive. Bucky’s surprised that he can be, as he knows Clint and Laura’s relationship had been going well since Clint had gotten the nerve to tell her who he was and Laura didn’t run, and now they’re separated. Bucky guesses maybe Clint uses the distraction of taking care of everyone else to keep himself from thinking too much about it. He organises the house and goes out on careful shopping missions and generally looks after them all. He doesn’t even bat an eye when Steve adds lube to his shopping list, for which Bucky is forever grateful even though he’s practically mortified about it.

Sam refuses to go home even though Bucky tries to convince him. He says, at least for now, that he’s staying. Steve tries to help, certain that no one knows he’s with them and no one will recognise him from Scott’s rescue, so there’s no reason he couldn’t go home, but Sam refuses. He says he’s just taking a little vacation whenever Bucky brings it up. Bucky appreciates it more than Sam will ever know, but he knows soon Sam will have to go back. It’s not right for him to give up his life too. But until then, Bucky makes the most of it, grateful for the extra time with him.

Wanda seems to settle surprisingly well. Bucky’s grateful for that. He’s glad she feels safe here. She seems to sense that he misses Becca and seems happy to be his surrogate sister. Bucky hopes she feels the same about him as a surrogate brother, though her loss is far greater than his. He still has Becca after all.

After checking with Steve, Bucky writes a letter to Becca, feeling that it’s the only safe form of communication for now, explaining everything, but leaving out any details that could get them found, just in case. He does include the number to a burner phone that Clint gets him though. Clint makes it untraceable even if someone did get the number, so it’s safe for them to use.

When Becca calls, she speaks to both Bucky and Sam and the call leaves the three of them crying. Steve comes in to find Bucky is a wreck and Sam is teary and while Sam recovers quickly, it takes a good half hour to calm Bucky back down.

He’s wrapped up in Steve’s arms on their bed when he finally manages to.

“Don’t do that,” he murmurs when he finally can, looking at the guilt all over Steve’s face.

Steve squeezes his arms tighter at the first words from Bucky for a while. “Do what?” he asks, face concerned as he moves to brush Bucky’s hair back from his face.

“It’s not your fault,” Bucky tells him strongly. He means it. He doesn’t blame Steve for any of this.

Steve’s lips part but he doesn’t say anything. He looks down instead.

“You know what Becca said?” Bucky tells him. “The thing that really set me off?”

Steve looks back over at him, eyes nervous.

“She said she understood.” Bucky looks at him, still feeling disbelief about it himself. “She said she hopes one day she’ll find someone she loves the way I love you. And she said she loves us both.”

“She did?” Steve breathes out, a little astonishment coming over his face.

Bucky nods and moves, turning and lifting his leg so he can straddle Steve. Steve’s hands instantly rest on his waist as Bucky takes Steve’s face into his hands and looks him dead in the eyes. “Everyone else can see, so why can’t you?”

Steve blinks at him.

“There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you,” Bucky continues. “Except leave you. I won’t do that.”

“Buck,” Steve says his name softly, love in his eyes. “This is crazy.” His hands tighten on Bucky’s waist.

“Maybe it is,” Bucky allows. He shrugs and moves his hand to stroke through Steve’s soft gold hair. “Or maybe we’re right where we’re supposed to be.”

Steve smiles a little at that. “How do you do that?”

“What?” Bucky smiles at him.

“Stay so positive?”

Bucky huffs out an amused noise. He’s never thought of himself as particularly positive. But maybe Steve’s changed that. “I guess it’s easy when I’m with you.”

He wishes everything could be so easy. Because it _is_ hard. Bucky knew this whole thing would be, but he didn’t realise just _how_ hard. He does feel like as long as he’s with Steve, he can handle the other stuff like being away from his family and friends. Or he can at least try his best to. But he knows Steve is taking it hard. He’s spent so long with a mission, always being called in, always having another fight to be called to and without one…Bucky’s worried about what it could do to him. It’s only been around a week since they rescued Scott, but Bucky can already see how restless Steve seems.

It turns out it’s not just Steve.

“So,” Clint pipes up, as they sit around the dining table, enjoying the food that Scott and Wanda prepared for everyone. In only a week, they’ve already got a system down where they alternate who cooks dinner and they all enjoy a meal together.

“I know we’ve been settling in, but I think it’s time we figured out what we’re gonna do,” Clint continues.

Bucky takes a worried look at Steve. He’s been expecting someone will raise this sooner or later and he knows Steve will feel it’s up to him to lead them.

Steve puts down his fork, leaning it into his bowl of pasta and meatballs. “I’ve been thinking about that too,” he tells them. “The Accords are in effect. We can’t do what we do without signing. I can’t bring myself to do that, but I don’t want any of you to feel like you don’t have that option. You can change your mind if you want to.”

Bucky frowns, while Scott guffaws and Clint snorts.

“We are with you, Steve,” Wanda speaks up first.

Bucky smiles at her gratefully.

“They had me locked up, I don’t think I’m switching sides anytime soon,” Scott chips in.

“We all made our own choice,” Clint adds. “That’s not on you.”

Steve looks down, looking a little overcome. “There is another option,” he continues after a beat, looking back up. “I could try and make a deal. I go in, in exchange for amnesty for the rest of you.”

Bucky can’t believe those words just came out of his mouth. He literally can’t. Steve’s very carefully not looking at him. He doesn’t know what to say. He sits there, numb and silent.

“That’s not an option,” Clint replies. “Is that an option for any of you?” he asks the table.

No one speaks up, so clearly it isn’t.

“They wouldn’t let me be free anyway,” Wanda says after a few moments of silence. “I scare them too much. But I would never exchange your freedom for my own.”

“I have an alternative suggestion,” Sam says, speaking for the first time in a while, and attention turns to him. “I know this is your guy’s thing and all, but what if we keep doing what you were doing? You know, getting out there where you’re needed?”

“We’re fugitives, Sam,” Steve reminds him.

“A bunch of powerful as hell fugitives,” Sam counters. “You telling me you don’t think you can go out on missions and not get caught?”

“Depends on who’s looking,” Clint speaks up.

Bucky sits there, partly listening as they all start discussing Sam’s idea, before he realises he’s had enough. He abruptly pushes back his chair, scraping it loudly against the wooden floor, and storms out of the room.

He gets to the front door, grabbing his jacket, as it’s late September and starting to cool down in the evenings now. The fields that surround the house are just starting to grow dark. He storms his way out, heading in a straight line away from the house, with no idea where he’s heading, just knowing he has to get _out_.

“Bucky?” he hears Steve call from behind him.

“I’m going for a walk!” he yells back without looking, still stomping across the grass. He’s so angry now, he can barely contain it.

“Buck, please,” Steve pleads, and Bucky can hear he’s already closer. Damn him and his stupid long legs. Steve catches up with him and gently grabs Bucky’s right arm.

Bucky pulls away violently, spinning to face him, wrenching his arm away. “Leave me alone!” He knows he’s yelling like a five-year-old having a tantrum, but he doesn’t care. He can’t believe Steve said that, offered that. He can’t believe his own ears heard that.

Steve looks stunned. “Bucky, please. What’s wrong? Just talk to me,” he implores.

“Talk to you?” Bucky says incredulously, voice pitching higher. “The way you talked to _me_ , before you made that offer in there?”

Steve’s face falls with realisation. “I had to,” he replies, eyes beseeching. “I’m responsible for those people, I had to give them the option.”

Bucky wants to scream at him a little. He clenches his hands into fists by his sides. “And I just didn’t factor into it?” he challenges Steve. “You just thought, _hey, I can fix this for everyone, I’ll just go to prison probably for the rest of my life, who cares about the man I supposedly love?_ Is that it?”

“Supposedly?” Steve repeats, eyes wide and hurt.

“Yeah, _supposedly_ , but obviously not. It’s really fucking clear to me that if you actually did, you wouldn’t be trying to leave me all the time,” Bucky spits out at him, his chest feeling like a sucking void, while Steve looks stunned. “So guess what?” Bucky continues, a decision suddenly made in his head. “You don’t have to leave. I am.” He turns to start to continue his walking, this time purposefully, in the direction of Sam’s car.

“Oh god,” he hears Steve utter from behind him, but he’s past caring. “Bucky, please, please don’t do this,” Steve begs him, obviously realising Bucky is serious.

Bucky stops again and turns, his heart jolting at the horror in Steve’s eyes. “Do what?” he snaps out, trying desperately not to be affected by Steve’s face. “Leave you? I’m just doing what you were going to do to me.”

“Buck,” Steve chokes out. “I knew they would say no. I knew it. I had to offer, so they knew I would make that sacrifice, but I knew they wouldn’t agree.”

For a second, Bucky hesitates. “Is that supposed to make it better?” he glares in reply.

“I have to be Cap for them, I can’t be Steve, not when they need me,” Steve responds, wiping his hand over his face, distress all over him.

“That’s where you’re wrong,” Bucky tells him, ever so slightly softer. “Those people in there, they’re there for Steve Rogers. Not the shield or the legend. They are there, on your side, because they agree with you and they believe in you. Cap’s just a name to them. It’s not why they follow you.”

Steve blinks at him as though he’s taking that in. They stare at each other for a moment, before Bucky turns to go again. He can’t do this anymore. Maybe Steve knew they wouldn’t agree, but Bucky knows, he _knows_ if they did, that Steve would do it.

“Please, Buck,” Steve calls again. “Please just come back inside so we can talk. I’m sorry about what I said. You know I would never want to leave you. I love you.” His voice is saturated with pain and he sounds distraught.

“The words don’t mean much if you don’t act that way,” Bucky replies, softly and sadly.

He reaches the car and climbs in, Steve still following him, grabbing the door before Bucky can close it. “Where are you going?” Steve asks as Bucky starts the engine. There’s no one around, so Sam just leaves the keys in it.

“I don’t know,” Bucky replies honestly, looking at the steering wheel. Everything in his head is screaming at him to just go.

“Please stay,” Steve implores him. He gets down to Bucky’s level, trying to get Bucky to look at him, but Bucky can’t. “I love you,” Steve says again. He sounds panic-stricken. “I promise I’ll never leave you. I won’t go on missions, I won’t put myself in danger again. I’ll retire as Cap and we can find a safe place together and I’ll be happy. As long as I have you, I’ll always be happy.”

Steve’s literally begging him, on his knees, and it makes Bucky hesitate. “You’d never be happy without a mission,” he counters, finally looking at Steve’s face, which is scrunched up like he’s in physical pain.

“You’re the only mission I’d ever need,” Steve tells him. He reaches out and grasps Bucky’s metal hand where Bucky’s gripping his own thigh.

Bucky takes a few harsh, shuddering breaths, blinking down at his hand.

“I’ll spend the rest of my life proving to you every day that I do love you, no supposedly about it,” Steve promises him, hand squeezing. “And I’ll never forgive myself for making you think that.”

Bucky stares at Steve’s hand covering his own. He takes another couple of breaths, trying to get himself to calm down. Then he looks at Steve. “I’m gonna go for a drive,” he tells him. He needs to go and clear his head. “But then I’m gonna come back and we can talk,” he finally relents, cursing his own stupid heart that loves Steve too much.

Steve nods furiously. “Yes, yes, anything you want, sweetheart, anything. I’ll be here.”

Bucky takes a deep breath and moves his hand from under Steve’s to the wheel. “I might be gone a while.”

Steve nods again as he gets to his feet. There are grass stains on his pants. “I’ll wait. However long you need.”

“Okay,” Bucky says softly. He glances at Steve and then reaches for the door and Steve steps out of the way as Bucky shuts it. He pulls out onto the gravel track, looking in his mirror to see Steve watching him go.

 

****

 

Bucky doesn’t end up getting far. He drives for about twenty minutes before he pulls over at the side of an empty road and just sits. He wishes he could rewind the past few hours. Everything that morning had been good. Or as good as it could be under the circumstances. He just doesn’t know what to do. He knows Steve loves him—he does—regardless of what he may have said to Steve. But he doesn’t know how to stop feeling second place to Steve’s sense of duty—to what he does. Steve’s so willing to sacrifice himself for everybody else, which might be admirable if stupid, but Bucky wants Steve to be selfish. He wants him to think about Bucky and decide, _no, Bucky’s too important to leave behind_. Because Bucky doesn’t know what he’ll do if he gets left behind.

The thoughts swirl in his head as he sits there. The buzzing of his phone cuts into them. He wiggles in his seat to find the phone in the pocket of his jacket, where he forgot he had left it. Only one person has the number except for Steve, Clint and the others. Which means it’s either Becca or one of them, most likely Steve.

“Bucky?” his sister’s voice comes down the line when he picks up.

“Hey, Becs, what’s up?” he asks, a little pang going through him at hearing her voice, while he tries hard to not sound too upset.

“I have...there’s something I have to tell you,” she replies, sounding somber.

Bucky sits up in his seat. “Oh god, what is it? Are you okay?” he asks, instant panic coming over him. Oh god, what if she’s not and he’s not there.

“It’s dad,” she tells him, voice full of distress. “He had what they think was a heart attack.”

Bucky’s mouth goes dry. His pulse starts racing. “Is he…?” He can’t even finish the sentence.

“He’s at the hospital. He’s okay, or at least as okay as he can be at the moment. Mom wanted to know when we could get there. I know you’re in hiding but is there any way?” she pleads down the phone.

“I’ll be there,” he promises her. Maybe it’s stupid and risky, but it’s his dad. He’s not staying away. “I think it’s a nine-hour drive from here. I’ll leave right now.” He’s already putting the key in the ignition again.

“Thank you,” Becca replies, a little sob in her throat. “I’m trying to get a flight organised now, but I probably won’t be there until late tomorrow.”

“Okay,” Bucky nods to himself, starting his car up again. “I’m going right now. You stay calm and call me if you need anything. I’m so sorry I’m not there with you,” he tells her.

“It’s okay, it’s not your fault,” she says, voice breaking a little. “I’ll see you soon,” she promises before they hang up.

Bucky looks at his phone and considers what to tell Steve. He’ll probably try to stop him going, thinking it’s too risky. Bucky puts his phone back in his pocket and pulls out from the side of the road. He’ll tell Steve when he’s halfway there. That way he won’t be able to stop him and he won’t be too worried about how long he’s been gone. He just needs to focus on his dad right now anyway. He doesn’t need to think about how he wishes Steve was coming with him.

 

****

 

By the time Bucky takes a break, pulling into a gas station after almost four hours of constant, worried driving, Steve has already messaged him. He’s shown a lot of restraint and _only_ texted three times and called once. Bucky would be amused if he wasn’t so worried about his dad.

Bucky leans against the car, having used the gas station bathroom and bought some food and gas, and takes a sip of his crappy cup of machine coffee. He shovels a bite of a protein bar into his mouth, seeing as he left partway through dinner and he’s actually pretty starving now, while he reads his messages.

_22:01: Hey Buck, I don’t want to crowd you, just checking you’re ok?_

_23:32: It’s getting kinda late, I know you needed space but are you heading back soon? It’s fine if you aren’t, I’m just worried about you. Could you let me know? Please?_

_00:03: Bucky, I don’t know if you changed your mind but if you did, please tell me. I’ll do anything to fix this. Please don’t just leave. I love you._

_Well, shit_. He didn’t mean to worry Steve that much. Honestly, he barely noticed the time, he was so worked up, thoughts of what could be happening with his dad running through his head as he drove.

He’s just about to call Steve, when another message lights up his phone, but it’s Sam this time.

_00:17: You better be in a ditch cause you’ve never been cruel before. Your man is going out of his mind here. Just call one of us asap. PS. If u are in a ditch, imma kill you._

Bucky sighs and pulls up Steve’s burner phone number to call him.

“Bucky?” Steve answers before it’s even had time to complete one ring.

“Hey, Steve,” Bucky replies softly with a little sigh.

“It’s him?” Bucky hears Sam in the background. “Gimme the phone, I’m gonna kill him, I swear,” he hears Sam’s angry grumbling. Bucky hears them arguing over the phone for a minute, before Steve comes back on.

“Bucky, are you okay? You’re safe?” Steve asks, when Sam apparently loses the fight for the phone.

“Yeah, I’m okay. I didn’t mean to worry you,” Bucky starts.

“Well you did!” he hears Sam yell.

“Sam, please,” he hears Steve admonish him gently. “I’m sorry, we didn’t mean to crowd you, it’s just you’ve been gone a while now and—”

“Steve,” Bucky cuts him off. He needs to get driving again and this whole thing is taking too long. “I wasn’t going to go this long, but Becca called me. My dad had a heart attack—”

“Oh god…is he okay? Are you okay? Where are you, we’ll come and get you,” Steve interrupts him, voice full of concern.

“What? What is it?” he hears Sam asking in the background.

“He’s okay for now, but I’m on my way to the hospital in Indiana,” Bucky replies. “And I know you’re gonna say it’s too dangerous, but I don’t care, okay? He’s my dad, I have to be there.”

Steve takes a beat before he replies. “Buck, I know. I understand. We’ll come and meet you. We can take the quinjet, just let me know where to get you.”

Bucky shakes his head to himself. “I’m already halfway there, it’s fine. Besides, it’s much less risky for me to be seen, then it is you.”

“I don’t care about that, I want to be there for you,” Steve argues.

Bucky sighs again. “ _I_ care, Steve. This is literally what we were just fighting about.” He exhales, pulling open his car door. “Please just stay there. Just do this for me. I need to see my dad, I’m going on my own, and I need to know you are all safe there while I do.”

“But—” Steve starts.

“Please,” Bucky pleads with him as shuts the door. “Just give me this.” He’s exhausted and the last thing he wants is another fight. He just needs to get to his dad.

Steve takes a moment. “Okay. Okay, Buck,” he says softly. “But please be careful. Call if you need anything.”

“I will,” Bucky replies, starting the engine, thankful Steve’s given in.

“He’ll be okay, he’s strong,” Sam’s voice cuts in. “Give them my love.”

Bucky can’t help but chuckle a little at the interruption, thankful for his friend. “I will, Sammy.”

There’s a slight rustling noise and then Steve comes back on the line. “I mean it. I’m here if you need anything,” he tells Bucky.

“I know,” Bucky replies.

“I love you.”

“I know,” Bucky exhales. “I know you do.” He pauses for a second. “We’ll talk about stuff later, okay?”

Bucky can practically hear Steve nodding. “Of course. You just focus on your father.”

“Okay.” Bucky swallows around the lump in his throat. God, he wishes Steve was next to him right now, holding him, comforting him. He tries to pull himself together. His family needs him. “I’ll call you later,” he promises Steve.

“Okay,” Steve replies softly.

It hurts Bucky’s heart to hear Steve sound so sad and to be away from him. He’s so tired now of being angry. It just doesn’t seem important at that moment.

“And Steve?” Bucky adds before he hangs up. “I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, just to be clear, if I do add anything Endgame to this, I will very clearly let you know at the beginning of the last chapter (as that will be where it is, if it is, might not). Speaking of, omg it's tomorrow! I'm panicked.
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoyed this chapter, thank you so much for all your amazing comments so far! 💜


	24. Begin the End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to confirm, there will be no Endgame in this fic (or Infinity War in fact). So spoiler free, but stay away from my comments to other people on here cause we've been discussing. And also my tumblr, cause I be writing spoiler stuff there.

“Bucky?”

Bucky feels his body relax with relief as he enters his dad’s hospital room to find him propped up in bed, fully awake and staring at him like he hasn’t seen him in years. Which, in fairness, is almost true.

“Dad,” Bucky smiles, rushing over to his side. “You’re okay?” He grabs his dad’s hand, looking him over, trying to see any signs that he’s not okay. He looks tired, but otherwise just like he usually does.

George pats their hands with his other hand. “I’m good, kid. You didn’t have to come all the way out here. Becca said you were out of town?”

“What happened, what did the doctors say? Where’s mom?” Bucky asks in a rush.

“Your mom’s just grabbing some coffee. She’s been up all night.”

Bucky’s been up all night too. He drove until almost three in the morning, when he gave in to having a little nap in Sam’s car, before starting up again around five, finally getting to the hospital a few hours later.

His dad smiles and moves his hand as Bucky sits on the edge of his bed. “I didn’t mean to scare you all. Docs think it was angina.”

Bucky lets out a breath. “Not a heart attack?”

George shakes his head. “Sure felt like one,” he chuckles lightly. “They’re gonna run some tests, make sure there’s nothing else wrong, but then looks like it’s no more steak in butter sauce for me,” he says with a playful frown.

“Thank god,” Bucky murmurs, mostly to himself.

George gives him a fond look. “We’ve missed you, kid.”

Bucky looks down, feeling hugely guilty and ashamed of himself. “I’m sorry,” he replies softly.

“That sure looks snazzy,” George adds, and Bucky glances to see him looking at his left arm, where his metal hand is on display.

“Oh, I…” Bucky sputters. He never did call to tell them about his surgery. God, he’s the worst son ever, they shouldn’t even speak to him, the amount he’s ignored them and not told them about life changing things. God, they don’t know about Steve either. They don’t know anything about his life now, because Bucky cut himself off from them and never bothered to tell them.

“Becca told us,” George says gently, obviously seeing Bucky’s emotions on his face.

“She did?” Bucky stares at him in shock.

“Don’t be angry with her, she just—”

“Bucky?” his mom’s voice cuts them off, and Bucky turns to see her in the doorway, looking like she’s about to drop the cup of coffee in her hand.

He gives her a tentative smile. It feels so good to see her again, he didn’t realise how much he’d missed her, but he hopes she isn’t angry with him. “Hey, mom,” he says softly, standing up.

“Bucky,” she repeats, pure relief in her voice as she stumbles forward, tears in her eyes already, and wraps her arms round him.

Bucky sinks down, his mom’s hug like nothing else to make him feel safe and cared for.

“Watch the coffee!” George warns them and Winifred quickly stops herself from crushing the cup to Bucky’s back.

“Oh,” she mumbles, pulling away to put the coffee down, before grabbing Bucky again.

Bucky lets out a little chuckle. “I missed you guys,” he tells her, squeezing her back, feeling relief flow through his body.

She pulls away, hands on his face, inspecting him. “Oh, honey, we missed you too.” She tugs on a lock of his hair. “Look at how long this is,” she muses.

“I’m so sorry I haven’t been in touch for so long,” Bucky tells her, feeling his eyes getting a bit teary.

“Oh, Bucky.” Winifred hugs him again. She notices his arm as she pulls away. “Well, look at that,” she says with a small smile, looking over at George.

“Dad said Becca told you?” Bucky confirms.

“She did. She said it was much more advanced and that Tony Stark donated it to you?” Winifred says, tone surprised.

Bucky nods as they move back to the bed and both grab chairs next to it. “Yeah, he did the surgery with Bruce Banner. It was pretty crazy.”

His mom’s face pales. “Surgery?”

Bucky freezes. “Um, yeah. Becca didn’t tell you?” He can see from the look on her face that she didn’t. Oh god is he in trouble now.

“She just said you got a new prosthetic,” George tells him, a frown on his face.

“You had surgery and you didn’t tell us?” Winifred chokes out.

Bucky can’t stand the hurt on her face. “Uh, I…”

Winifred glares at him. “Don’t you ‘uh, I’ me! Our son had surgery and he didn’t think we’d want to know,” she says in disbelief, staring at George.

“I didn’t want to worry you,” Bucky pleads, feeling himself shrinking under her gaze as it returns to him.

“We’re your parents, that’s our job!” she fires back.

“You would have wanted to visit though,” Bucky sighs, feeling like shit.

Winifred gets up and starts huffing as she paces around. “And what would have been so wrong with that?”

Bucky look at his feet. “Mom, c’mon,” he murmurs.

“What do you mean, ‘come on’? What am I doing?” she huffs at him.

Bucky looks up at her cautiously. “I love you guys, but after my accident…” He takes a breath. They’ve never talked about this. “You…you treated me like I was five years old again, like I couldn’t do anything for myself.”

Winifred stops pacing. “You lost an arm, Bucky, we were trying to take care of you.”

Bucky tries to stay calm. “I know what I lost, mom. And I know you were trying to help, but it just…didn’t. And you cried all the time, all the goddamn time…I just couldn’t take that again.” He sighs and shakes his head, looking at her, pleading with his eyes for her to understand. It was one of the worst times of his life.

“Bucky, you’re our child and you were hurt, horrifically,” Winifred says with a deep exhale, a lot softer this time. “How couldn’t I cry? How couldn’t I try and do everything I could to help you.”

“We just wanted to be there for you,” his dad adds, as Winifred sinks down onto the edge of the bed.

Bucky sighs and pushes his hair back. “I know. I know you did. It was just…it made it harder. I know you didn’t mean it to, and I know you just wanted to help me, but the way you treated me, like I was fragile and broken…I couldn’t take it.” He doesn’t know why it’s taken him so long to tell them this. It feels good to finally be open with them about it.

His mom looks like she’s going to cry, while his dad has a sad, but considered look on his face when Bucky glances at them.

“I went from being the strong army man you were proud of, to being your disabled son who needed help with everything and I just…I couldn’t be that,” he says, pleading with them to understand. He’d felt like such a burden.

“Oh, Bucky,” his mom breathes out. “We didn’t know. We didn’t know we were doing that.” She reaches out to him and he takes her hand and she squeezes his fingers. “I wish you’d just told us. I know we’re supposed to know how to do everything right, but we just…we don’t. We’re human, we’re not perfect.”

“I’m sorry,” Bucky sniffs, tears in the corners of his eyes. He should have said something. He was just so closed off back then, he didn’t know how.

“We’re sorry too, kid,” his dad says, reaching his hand out.

Bucky stands so he can reach them both, taking his dad’s hand carefully with his metal one.

“That sure is incredible,” George comments, looking at the shiny metal.

Bucky smiles through his tears. “It does practically everything a real arm does.” He lets go of his dad and picks up his mom’s cup of coffee carefully and passes it to her.

She breaks into tears as she takes it, hand shaking.

“Mom,” Bucky smiles softly.

She shakes her head at him, staring at his hand. “No, no…it’s just, I’m so happy for you, honey. Becca said it was amazing, but we didn’t…this is so much more than we…” She trails off and Bucky grabs her a couple of tissues from the box on his dad’s side table.

“I had the same reaction, believe me,” Bucky says with a little grin, as his mom wipes her face.

She sniffs a little and gazes at him. “I’m just so glad you came. Becca wasn’t sure if you could.”

Bucky nods and looks at his dad. “Of course I did. God, I was so worried about you,” he says, sinking into the chair again.

“I’m gonna be fine,” his dad reminds him.

Bucky nods, thinking about how terrified he’d been and vows to himself to never stay out of contact for so long again.

“Enough about me anyway,” his dad continues. “We want to know what’s been happening with you. Becca said you’ve been seeing someone?”

Bucky’s heart warms at that and he looks up, unable to not smile. “Steve,” he says softly. He thinks about him, probably worrying away at the farmhouse. He really needs to contact him soon to let him know he’s okay.

Winifred smiles happily. “Becca says he’s lovely.”

Bucky chuckles and leans back in his chair. “Just how much does Becca tell you about me?”

Winifred shrugs, nonplussed. “A lot. She’s knows we want to know. We didn’t want to crowd you, but of course we wanted to know how you were doing.”

Bucky’s face falls. “I’m s—”

Winifred waves her hand, cutting him off. “No more of that. We’re all sorry, but we’re here now. That’s what matters.”

A little smile appears on Bucky’s face. “Okay,” he says acceptingly, so grateful for how cool they’re being. But then they’ve always been like that. When he came out to them, he’d been fifteen and terrified, but apart from giving him an excruciating talk about safe sex, which he would have gotten if he’d been straight too, they’d taken it in their stride and been the very definition of supportive. Bucky doesn’t know how he managed to forget that about them.

“Becca says he treats you right, so I don’t need to shovel talk him,” George chips in.

Bucky grins and rolls his eyes a little. “He does.” Steve treats him so well, Bucky smiles just thinking about him and he almost forgets they’re sort of in a fight right now.

“We’d still like to meet him though,” his dad adds, while his mom nods along eagerly.

Bucky feels his heart sink. There’s no way to do that. Not now at least. But he can’t tell them about that, and he can’t tell them why. “We’ll have to figure that out sometime,” he says vaguely instead.

“He’s very handsome,” Winifred speaks up. “Becca sent us a picture of you two in Central Park,” she says at his confused look.

Bucky shakes his head gently. Damn that Becca, being so sneaky all this time. “Man, what else do I have to kill her for?” he jokes.

“I believe she sent it with the caption, ‘if I like his face, I should see his ass’”, Winifred grins.

Bucky goes bright red. “Mom!” He slumps in his chair, running his hand through his hair in embarrassment. “Oh my god, please never say _ass_ again. I’m gonna kill Becs.”

Both his parents laugh at his discomfort. “Well she should be here tomorrow so you can do that,” George tells him with a relaxed smile.

Bucky feels disappointment swell in him. “Um, about that…I can’t really stay that long,” he says softly, feeling like shit. He wants to so badly, and maybe he can—he doesn’t know if people are really looking for him—but he can’t risk it just in case. He promised Steve he’d be careful.

“You need to get back to Steve?” his mom says with a little smile. “It’s okay, honey, Becca told us you’re on vacation, you should get back and enjoy it. Your dad is fine,” she says, smiling at George. “You could have brought Steve with you though, we would have loved it.”

Bucky tries to smile, trying to get on board with Becca’s vacation cover story. At least she hasn’t told them everything. He doesn’t want to worry them, especially not when his dad needs to be resting. “Yeah, well, it’s sort of a vacation, but Steve’s working as well,” he shrugs, hoping it’s a vague but plausible enough lie that they won’t care enough to dig into it. “He sends his best. He really wants to meet you guys too.”

“He sounds very sweet,” Winifred smiles. “You don’t have to go right away though, do you? We want to hear about everything that’s been happening with you.”

Bucky looks at the hope in her eyes and can’t say no to that. “No, I can stay a while.”

 

****

 

Bucky has to force himself to leave eventually, after staying for basically the whole day, having texted Steve to tell him. There are tears and hugs and promises to stay in touch with his parents, and confirmation from his dad’s doctors that there are no other complications, so Bucky feels a lot better, even though he wishes he could stay longer.

He smiles to himself as he goes out into the corridor, feeling lighter than he’s felt in ages. He didn’t realise how much his self-enforced estrangement from his parents had been affecting him. He feels so much better, even though he knows he won’t be able to really see them for a long time, at least they can be in contact now. At least they know he loves them and he knows how much they love him back. He’ll figure out how to explain the whole fugitive thing soon, once his dad is fully better. He knows that’ll be a difficult conversation.

He’s lost in thought as he walks down the corridor, when he almost walks into someone, looking up to find Tony Stark frowning back at him.

“Huh,” Tony utters. “I thought this was a long shot, but I guess I’ve been proven wrong.”

 _Shit, fuck, shit_. What the fuck should he do? Bucky tries to consider his options, while considering his location. He could run the other way, but he’s certain Tony has ways to incapacitate him if he needs to. There’s no way to run his way out of this. His only option is to play dumb. He has to put on the performance of his life.

“Tony, hey, what are you doing here?” Bucky asks, smiling a little and trying to make his tone bright and easy, as though he’s pleased to see him.

Tony squints at him a little. “I think you know damn well what I’m doing here.”

Bucky furrows his brow a little, trying to look confused. “You’re here to see me?” he asks, as though that’s a pleasant surprise. “How did you hear about my dad?”

“Let’s cut the bullshit, Barnes. Where is he?” Tony asks, glaring at him.

Bucky lets out a little sigh. There’s no point pretending he doesn’t know who Tony means. “I don’t know,” he replies, shaking his head sadly, looking at the floor as though overcome with emotion. “After…after Wanda and that whole thing, he didn’t come back.” He looks up at Tony, remembering something about how when people lie they look away. “He told me it was too dangerous for me to be with him.” He attempts to take a shuddering breath. “I haven’t heard from him since.”

Tony’s still frowning at him.

Bucky figures he really needs to sell this. “Do you…do you know where he is, have you talked to him?” he asks desperately. “Can I…I just need to talk to him, to see if he’s okay?” he pleads a little.

“You expect me to believe that the same day Cap disappeared, that it’s just a coincidence that you did too?” Tony looks at him in disbelief.

Bucky tries to look hurt. “No. I did leave. Steve leaving…I couldn’t deal with it. I’ve been staying with my parents ever since,” he lies smoothly.

Tony shakes his head, a little amused smile coming over his face. “You’re good, you know.” He fixes his eyes on Bucky. “Anyone else and you might have them fooled,” he continues, eyes going cold. “Unfortunately for you, I’ve been around you and Cap too much. He might wish he was that noble, but I’ve seen him with you. No way in hell did he let you go. Not you.”

Bucky’s heart thumps. Well fuck. Nothing like having your boyfriend’s love for you completely fucking things up. Bucky drops the sadness act, but just looks impassively at Tony. “You can believe what you want. I’m telling you I don’t know where he is. Now if you excuse me, I’ve gotta get home,” he lies. “My dad needs me to bring some stuff for him.”

He starts to make his way past Tony, feeling for his phone that’s luckily in his jacket’s left pocket. He’s screwed. He knows he is. He grasps the phone with his metal fingers and crushes the thing, coughing to hopefully cover any noise of splintering plastic and metal. His heart is beating wildly and he’s trying to keep his breathing steady and not show how scared he is, but the next second, he feels a hand on his right wrist and then he’s suddenly being shoved against the wall, Tony cuffing his hands behind his back in one swift move.

“Sorry, but I’ve gotta take you in. You cooperate and you’ll be fine.”

Bucky thinks Tony doesn’t sound very sorry. He flexes his metal hand. He’s certain he can break the cuffs off, but suddenly he loses all feeling in his arm. He gasps at the feeling as tears come to his eyes. It’s horrible and awful and he doesn’t understand until he turns a little and sees Tony with his phone out.

“Sorry, but I can’t risk you using my tech to get away,” Tony tells him.

“You bastard,” Bucky spits out at him. “It’s my fucking arm, not your tech,” he bites out, pouring pure vitriol into his words. He’s quite certain he’s never hated another person as much as he hates Tony at this moment.

“Uh, you wouldn’t even have that arm if it weren’t for me,” Tony says, grabbing his right arm and starting to try to pull him along.

Bucky stands firm, refusing to move. “I didn’t know you’d hold it over my head forever,” he tells Tony bitterly.

Tony stops and looks at him and sighs. “Look, just tell me where he is, alright. Ross is breathing down my neck to bring him in. If I don’t, it’ll be bad for all of us.”

“You’re not part of an _us_ , Tony,” Bucky says, narrowing his eyes a little in disgust. “You signed the Accords and you didn’t think it through and now you’ve fucked everyone over. I’d never help you find Steve. Ever.”

“You done?” Tony says, staring at him while Bucky glares back. “Good, then we’re going.” He gives Bucky a look when Bucky doesn’t move. “Look, you can either walk out or I can knock you out. Whatever works for you,” he says, sounding resigned.

Bucky shakes his head in disgust and starts walking, Tony with a firm grip on his arm. He notices hospital staff now, watching them in shock but no one’s intervening. It’s Iron Man. They trust him over Bucky. They probably think Bucky’s a criminal. There’s no point asking for help.

He narrows his eyes at Tony as they walk. “You feel good about yourself, Tony?” He doesn’t expect an answer, so he’s surprised when Tony does respond.

“No,” Tony says simply. “But when’s that ever stopped me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are love and I need some love 😫 🙏


	25. Battle for the Sun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Small warning for minor description of Bucky's accident. I don't think it's graphic but just in case.

Bucky’s taken to the Avengers’ facility. After a short quinjet flight—which fuck, maybe he should have taken up Steve’s offer to fly him to Indiana, cause he forgot it’s way, way faster than driving or a regular plane—he’s surprised to see where they are. He sort of figured they’d be taking him to a government facility somewhere. Then he figures the Avengers’ facility _is_ a government facility now, since Tony signed the Accords.

He’s led through to a fancy conference room by a couple of Tony’s minions. Other than Tony looking for, and finding his crushed phone, they haven’t taken anything off him. The room is completely not what he was expecting, and he’s surprised when the cuffs are taken off and he’s led to sit in a chair, a nice one, plush leather, really comfortable in any other situation. He figures the lack of cuffs means there’s no way for him to get out, the lack of feeling in his left arm probably meaning they consider him to be no threat at all, but it doesn’t stop him looking around trying to take note of everything in the room, just like Steve taught him before their Scott rescue mission.

Fuck, he misses Steve. He has the sudden realisation that he might not get out of here. Tony could keep him here indefinitely. No one would even know. He might never see Steve again. He’s on the verge of choking on his own breath when the door opens and in walks Tony with another man, both in expensive suits, strutting in, acting like alpha men, as if they have any idea what it is to be a man. Bucky hates them with every fibre of his being in that moment.

“James Barnes, I’m General Ross,” the other guy says, sitting across from him, while Tony wanders about the room. “You know that aiding and abetting a fugitive is a crime?” he drawls at him.

Bucky just stares back impassively at him, trying to size him up.

General Ross leans back in his seat. “Where is Steve Rogers?”

“I don’t know her,” Bucky replies, keeping his face emotionless.

Ross doesn’t look amused. “This isn’t a game, son.”

Bucky narrows his eyes. “I’m not your son. My dad is lying in a hospital bed right now, wondering where his son is, thanks to you. You call me anything, you call me Barnes.”

Ross narrows his eyes right back. “Barnes,” he says purposefully, “you don’t tell us where Rogers is, we can keep you here for as long as it takes.”

Bucky shifts, crossing his right arm over his chest, completely annoyed that the left just hangs there unmoving. “I sure hope you guys have room service then.”

Ross stares at him for a moment and then abruptly stands. “You talk to him,” he orders, looking at Tony. “Maybe you can get him to see reason.” He turns towards the door and then looks over at Bucky again. “Take the arm too,” he adds on as though it’s an afterthought, before he opens the door and leaves with a bang.

Tony approaches him, at least looking like he feels bad, but Bucky doesn’t give a flying fuck. “So General Dickface gives you an order and you just follow it?” he spits out at Tony. “How the mighty have fallen.”

Tony stops next to him. “You think I want to do this? If you just cooperate, they will let you go. Don’t you want that? You can see your family and your friends and have your life back. Isn’t that worth it?” he says, eyebrows drawn together like he can’t understand.

“And you lock up Steve?” Bucky says with a shake of his head. “Oh god, yeah, let me just write down his coordinates right now.” He lets out an amused huff. “Aren’t you supposed to be in love with Pepper? Would you ever give her up? Must not be anything like what I feel for Steve if you think I’d give him up.”

Tony takes a deep breath. Bucky can tell he’s trying to hold it together and not get into it with him. “Fine.” He lets out an exasperated breath and starts to reach for Bucky’s arm. “I know you don’t believe me, but I really am sorry about this,” he says as he starts to roll up Bucky’s sleeve and reaches under towards Bucky’s armpit where he can disconnect the arm from the metal socket.

“You already took my other arm, what’s one more,” Bucky says with shrug and a derisive smile.

Tony pauses. “What?”

Bucky goes in for the kill. He’s past caring. “You know, what with all your talk of collateral damage, you never did really stop to find out what yours was, did you?”

Tony frowns at him, moving back. “What are you talking about?”

“Huh, guess you figured it happened in the army then?” Bucky muses. “It didn’t,” he says with a little tilt of his head at Tony. “Battle of New York? Ring a bell? I got crushed under building rubble. Arm couldn’t be saved.” He pauses to take in the stunned look on Tony’s face. “You know, I remember it all. Try not to but…” he shrugs, “…you know how it is. Still remember suffocating, still remember thinking I was going to die buried alive, still remember looking down at my mangled arm, and oh boy, the pain. I still remember that. You’re supposed to block it out you know? When it gets so bad that you can’t take it?” He frowns, eyes curious. “Never happened for me. I saw my bone sticking out, saw tendons and muscle where my skin should have been and my fingers no longer attached and I still remember that pain.” He flashes Tony a wry smile. “Funny huh? The one thing I’d love to forget, and it just stays around.”

Tony seems shocked into silence. It’s the first time Bucky’s seen him speechless.

“You know what else I remember?” Bucky says slowly, keeping his eyes on Tony. “And this is something I’ve never told anyone, not even Steve,” he adds, while watching Tony, who seems to be a little frozen. “It was you,” he finally says, no venom in his words, just stating the facts. “You were up there, blasting away, and you broke through that building and left it to crumble. Didn’t even look down once to see where it might crumble to. Just flew off to the next one,” Bucky says with a little sad smile.

Tony opens his mouth but closes it again. He doesn’t seem to know what to say. He looks at Bucky’s left shoulder. Stares at it in fact.

“You should know, I don’t forgive you,” Bucky tells him, and Tony’s eyes snap to his, looking haunted. “I don’t forgive you, because I don’t blame you. Not even a little bit.” He hopes Tony can hear that he’s being sincere now. He needs Tony to hear this. “I never did and I never will. What happened to me was life changing and awful and a million other things. But you were doing your best. You saved so many people that day. And then in a funny twist of fate, you gave me a new arm, without even knowing what had happened to me. And you changed my life again.” Bucky lets out a breath and leans back in his chair. “So if you need to take it, then take it. If you want to keep me here, you can. But I will never give Steve up. Not in a million years. And not just because I love him more than my own life, but because I’m on his side. What he’s doing is right. And you’ll never convince me otherwise.”

 

****

 

Bucky’s left alone for a couple of hours. Someone brings him a sandwich. He doesn’t eat it. He doesn’t know what they might have put in there. He stares at it a while, working hard to not give in to temptation, cause who knows what they might do when they figure out he really means it when he says he’ll never give Steve up. Maybe food will become a distant memory. But he’s not having them drug him or something. Not if he can help it. It occurs to him that he might not have that choice soon and that terrifies him. He swallows around the lump in his throat.

God, he just doesn’t want to be here. He wants to be home, with Steve, in New York, in his arms, Steve stroking through his hair like he likes to. He wants to be holding his hand while they walk to their ice cream place in Brooklyn, or sitting in Frankie’s with all his friends, or meeting Becca for coffee and hearing about her latest college grades. He wants the last few weeks to be a bad dream. But most of all, he just wants Steve.

He takes a breath and tries to pull himself together. Steve wouldn’t fall apart. Steve would fight. He wouldn’t give in and Bucky’s not going to either. It’s all up to him. He needs to get it together and figure out a way out of this.

He just prays that Steve still thinks he’s at the hospital with his dad. He knows the longer he’s gone, the more likely it is that Steve will go to find him, regardless of what Bucky’s told him, and he knows that if Steve figures out Tony has him, then it’s over. There’s no doubt in his mind that Steve will bargain himself to get Bucky released. Bucky needs to figure out a way to get the fuck out of here before that happens.

The problem is, he’s once again defenseless. Tony, surprisingly, didn’t take the arm as ordered to, leaving pretty suddenly after Bucky’s revelation, but it’s still deactivated, hanging there uselessly. He’s already tried the door and found it locked and the windowless room has nothing else in it except chairs and the table and a clock on the wall that tick, tick, ticks annoyingly.

He looks at the sandwich on his plate. He doesn’t even have a knife and fork he could use as weapons. He laughs to himself at that stupid thought. Even if he did, what would he do, stab someone with them? Unless his life was in danger, Bucky couldn’t do that. And okay, his life may be over here, but he’s not in danger as such.

He’s pacing around, just considering if there’s any way throwing a chair at the door would help, if he could even lift one of these stupid big chairs with his one arm, when he jumps out of his skin as Vision materialises through the wall.

“Jesus!” he startles, before trying to pull himself together.

“Mr. Barnes,” Vision greets him. He sounds just like Jarvis again, and Bucky wonders if he remembers their talks in the tower. “I’m here to help you.”

Bucky frowns. “I’m sorry?”

Vision stops right in front of him. “Your friends, the former Avengers, they are fugitives, but you are not. I do not believe you should be held simply for your allegiance to them. It is not right and it is not just.”

“Seriously?” Bucky puzzles at him.

“We are not monsters,” Vision replies, tilting his head at him.

This is a trap. It has to be. They’re probably hoping Bucky will be stupid enough to run back to Steve straight away while they track him. Sadly for them, Bucky’s not an idiot. But he’s not one to waste an opportunity either. “Okay, so…” he says, waiting.

“Follow me.”

Vision leads him out, somehow knowing the route that means they run into no one as they go down what seems to be endless corridors. They end up in the Avengers’ garage, filled with fancy cars of Tony’s. There’s no way those aren’t tracked. Vision gives him the keys to one, an Audi R8 in bright orange. Super inconspicuous, Bucky thinks.

“You won’t have long before they realise you’re missing. I suggest you hurry,” Vision tells him. And then he’s gone, floating back through the wall, leaving Bucky alone.

Bucky’s just wondering how he’s going to manage driving with one arm, hoping the car is fancy enough to have some sort of driving system, when his arm suddenly powers up, nerves singing with sensation.

He jerks in surprise and shock, the sensation never failing to pull tears from him. But he doesn’t linger. He doesn’t have time to. He gets in the car and starts it up and the garage door opens for him as he puts the car in drive, getting the hell out of there.

 

****

 

Bucky doesn’t take the car far. Just a couple of towns over in the wrong direction, where he abandons it in a Walmart parking lot. He heads into the store and buys a fresh set of clothes. He was awake the whole time they had him and didn’t have any food or drink. But who knows what sort of tracker they could have placed on him when marching him along the corridor or when Tony first arrested him. He thanks god that they didn’t take anything from him and he still has some cash in his wallet, as he pays and then makes his way to the bathroom to change.

He tries to be very thorough, inspecting every inch of his arm, just in case Tony placed something there when he was about to remove it, but he finds nothing. He’s certain there’s no tracker actually in the arm or else Tony would have used that long before. When he’s satisfied that there’s nothing on him, he pulls on the new grey sweats and black sweater he bought, leaving the other clothes in the stall. He pulls on the new cap he also bought, tucking his hair into it so he’s no longer obviously long-haired, and then he leaves the bathroom.

He carefully heads out the store, keeping his head down, heading round the back, away from the car. He left the doors unlocked and the keys in the ignition with the hope that someone will steal it and take Ross on a wild goose chase.

He makes his way to the nearest bus stop and gets on the first bus he sees, only a local service, but it’s enough to get him away from the store. He takes a sip from the bottle of water he also bought as he looks out the window of the bus, trying to figure out what to do next.

The safehouse is actually not that far from the Avengers’ facility, maybe a couple of hours away. Clint said there’s nothing like hiding in plain sight. But Bucky can’t go straight there, even if he can find a bus heading in that direction. He needs to be certain that no one’s following him.

He’s not entirely sure how to do that, so he keeps careful track of his money and continues getting on random buses, going in whatever direction they take him, just in case anyone has managed to follow him. He tries to blend in with the other people getting off at whatever stop he chooses to depart at, hoping if someone is watching him, they won’t see when he leaves.

All he wants to do is get home to Steve. He asks the woman next to him for the time and calculates how long he’s been gone. Stark arrested him around four. It’s now coming up to eight-thirty. He told Steve he was going to stay with his parents for a while, but he never specified how long. He doesn’t know how long Steve will wait before he starts to worry. He’s probably already worrying if he’s texted or called Bucky’s now destroyed cell phone and got no answer. When it gets too late, he might check with the hospital. Eventually he’ll find out somehow that Bucky is missing. And Steve and his friends are smart. They’ll find a way to discover what happened and when they do, Bucky knows Steve’ll be on the quinjet, offering himself up to Tony on a silver platter.

Bucky can be careful, but if he’s too careful, he might take too long. He has to decide what to do here. He asks the woman next to him to look up buses that go to the town nearest their safehouse and she happily finds the route for him on her phone. God, Bucky wishes he’d memorised Steve’s new phone number, but he didn’t. He has no way to contact him. The kind woman tells him if he gets off in three stops, he can get a connecting bus there that will go direct in just under three hours. He’s travelled away from the safehouse with his many bus changes, he realises. She tells him it’s the last bus for that journey that night, so Bucky’s got to get it if he wants to get back.

He’s pretty certain no one is physically following him and that there’s no tracker on him. He has to risk it. He’s done his absolute best to make sure he’s not being tracked, and it has to be enough. They’ll end up with Steve if he doesn’t trust himself on this. If he’s wrong, at least they’ll still have a chance to get away. If he waits, Steve will be gone.

He departs at the stop the lady told him and quickly makes his way through the bus station to find the right stop for his bus, getting there with just a minute to spare before it departs, thank god. He slumps into a seat, pulling his hat low, keeping his face turned away from the window.

The journey seems to take forever, exhaustion setting in, as Bucky stays tense the whole time. Every minute is too long. What if they already have Steve? What if they lock him away and Bucky never sees him again? Bucky tries hard to block that thought out. He can’t think about that. It makes him feel physically sick and then it reminds him of the argument he and Steve had before he left. He still can’t believe Steve offered that, to do that to Bucky. Doesn’t Steve know by now that it would kill him? It’s not even been ten months, but Bucky’s certain he can’t live without him. Or more accurately, he knows he would have to, but it would be a miserable existence.

He blinks hard and tries to wipe the thoughts from his mind. He just has to get home. Steve and his friends being safe is the only thing that matters right now. He can’t get there too late. He can’t.

After an age, where Bucky wishes he could sleep, but can’t bring himself to drop his guard and is too on edge to do so anyway, the bus finally pulls up at the town that’s become his new hometown. Bucky gets up before the other few people, so he can depart first, asking another passenger for the time just before the bus come to a full stop.

It’s almost midnight. Bucky steps off the bus into the dark town square. If he’d stayed with his parents all day then he wouldn’t have made the nine-hour drive back by now. Steve might not be expecting him yet. But not being able to get in contact would have worried him. Bucky’s sure Steve wouldn’t wait patiently, not when he’s worried about Bucky.

Bucky knows he’s running out of time, if he hasn’t already. The farmhouse is a good half hour walk away, so Bucky runs. He runs until his legs are burning. He’s so goddamn thankful he started his running routine, because he’s actually in pretty good shape, but he hasn’t had enough to eat today so it’s not all that easy. The cold night air whips against his face, but he’s grateful for it. It keeps him alert, keeps him from overheating with exertion. He honestly feels like he’s running for his life.

Finally, finally, the familiar farmhouse track comes into sight. It’s never looked more like home to him. The house comes into view and he realises the quinjet is there, uncovered, and he prays that means they are still there. As he runs closer, he sees them—his friends—marching towards the thing, all in full gear, Steve in his uniform at the front, and he wants to scream with joy because Steve is _still there_.

“We do whatever it takes. If I make a decision, you follow it. I can’t have anyone going rogue and I can’t have any mistakes,” Steve’s telling them sternly, as Bucky gets just close enough to hear, but he can’t catch his breath to yell and they don’t seem to have noticed him in the dark, not facing his way, with the quinjet engines probably covering any noise he’s making.

Bucky can’t run anymore. He doubles over a few feet away, and pulls off his shoe and throws it at them, still trying desperately to get his breath back. It clonks Steve on the shoulder and even though he’s still dying, Bucky internally congratulates himself on his aim.

Steve spins round, looking stunned.

“So fuckin’ bossy,” Bucky finally manages to choke out between deep breaths.

Steve is running towards him in a second, and then the air is pushed even further out of Bucky’s lungs as Steve crushes him in a fierce hug. “Oh god, Bucky…” he breathes, so much distress in his voice, it hurts Bucky’s ears.

Bucky can barely breathe, and hardly stand, but he doesn’t care. He’s in Steve’s arms again. “’m okay,” he chokes out, and Steve seems to realise just how hard he’s holding him.

“What happened?” he asks frantically, as he pulls back very slightly, hands cupping Bucky’s face for a moment and then moving down his body, peering at every inch of him as though looking for damage.

Before Bucky can answer, Sam is there too, attempting to get Steve out the way so he can get a hug in, except Steve won’t move so Sam ends up hugging him from behind and now Bucky’s squished between them both.

“I’m fine,” Bucky promises, still catching his breath.

“Do we need to be getting out of here?” Clint asks from over Steve’s shoulder as Sam pulls away.

Bucky shakes his head towards Clint, while Steve keeps a firm grip on his shoulders now. “I wasn’t followed, I don’t think. I tried my best to make sure.”

“I’m gonna scan you, just in case,” Clint says, and then he’s off running into the quinjet.

“We saw Tony take you,” Sam tells him. “When you didn’t answer your phone, I called Becca and she called your mom who said you’d left hours ago. So then we called the hospital and they found my car still in the parking lot.”

“Clint hacked into the hospital’s CCTV and we saw him arrest you in the corridor,” Wanda chips in, looking relieved to see him.

“We were on our way to rescue you,” Scott adds with a small grin.

“Thank god you hadn’t gone yet,” Bucky says, flooding with relief. He made it. They’re all okay. He made it back just in time.

Clint returns holding a device and jogs over to Bucky. “Steve, gimme a sec here,” he requests, and Steve blinks like he’s suddenly aware there are other people there with them and reluctantly lets go of Bucky.

Clint starts scanning him.

“I was careful,” Bucky promises. “I wouldn’t have come here if I wasn’t as sure as I could be. I changed all my clothes and took a million different buses in case they were trying to trap me,” he tells them. “I thought it was a trap, but now I’m thinking maybe Vision was really helping me.”

“Viz?” Wanda says, with a little hopeful look. “He helped you?”

Bucky nods as Clint completes his scan. “All clear,” he says with a look of relief. “I’m gonna do a quick scan of the roads and air, see if anything’s heading our way,” he tells Steve, then gives Bucky a smile. “Good to have you back, man,” he says, patting him on the shoulder before moving off back to the jet.

“Do you think he’s switching sides?” Wanda asks.

Bucky shakes his head sadly. “I don’t think so. But he said he didn’t believe in involving me, seeing as I’m not one of you.”

“Unlike Tony, who thinks he can do that, take you like that against your will, when you haven’t done anything,” Steve says, voice bitter and angry.

Bucky lets out an amused huff. “Well technically I’m helping fugitives so…”

“He had no right to lay a hand on you, Buck,” Steve replies, apparently not at all amused. “How dare he act like he’s on the righteous side, when he’ll stoop so low to try to get to us. I would never take Pepper to try to get to Tony, not in a million years.” Steve scrunches his hands into fists as he speaks, anger clearly coursing through him.

Bucky reaches out and takes one of his hands, making Steve relax his fist as he glances down at the touch. “I can’t be sure, but I think he helped me get out of there.”

“What?” Sam says before Steve can.

“Seriously. Ross ordered him to take my arm—”

Steve actually growls. “That son of a bitch, I swear I’ll kill him—”

“But he didn’t,” Bucky cuts in, staring at Steve. “He deactivated my arm in the hospital, but when Vision led me out, my arm was activated again. As far as I know, only Tony has access to do that. I think he let me go against his orders.”

“He deactivated it?” Steve asks, voice full of venom.

Bucky rolls his eyes. “You’re really choosing to hear only the parts you want to, aren’t you?”

“That’s your arm, Buck,” Steve replies fiercely. “He has no right to play with it like it’s one of his toys. I don’t care if he designed it, it’s part of you now.”

Bucky sighs at Steve’s righteous anger. “The point is, I think he came to his senses and helped me. Maybe we don’t have to worry about Tony so much.”

“Maybe you don’t,” Wanda speaks up. “The rest of us are still targets.”

“Skies and roads look clear,” Clint says as he appears from the quinjet. “Looks like you did a great job,” he says with a smile at Bucky. “I guess our mission is cancelled,” he grins, pressing a button so the quinjet door closes, the engine noise ceasing. “I’ve got it on alert just in case though,” he adds, waving a device in his hand. “I’ll keep an eye out all night.”

The relief in the air between them all is palpable.

“Why don’t we give these two a minute,” Sam suggests, giving the others a look. “You hungry, peach-pie?”

Bucky shrugs. “I could eat.” He’s been running on adrenalin, he’s not really noticed, but now he thinks about it, he _is_ pretty hungry.

“We’ll go fix you something up,” Sam says with a smile. “I’m glad you’re okay.”

“Me too, babydoll,” Bucky grins back.

“Why does he call you _babydoll_?” he hears Wanda ask as the four of them head back to the house, leaving him and Steve alone outside. He wants to take a minute to just stare at Steve and thank god he’s okay and right there in front of him, but Steve speaks immediately.

“Tell me the truth, Buck. Did they hurt you?” Steve asks, voice strong, but Bucky can see now how fragile he is even out here in the dark, only lit by the quinjet lights that Clint helpfully left on.

Bucky softens. “I promise they didn’t,” he tries to reassure Steve. “Look, let’s get you out of that suit,” he suggests, looking at the dark blue Cap suit Steve’s wearing. He frowns at Steve’s chest. “Stevie, did you pull the star off your suit?”

“Maybe,” Steve replies with a frown.

“God, you’re dramatic,” Bucky says with an eye roll. He tugs on Steve’s hand. “C’mon. I may as well tell everyone the whole story all at once.”

They can talk later. Right now, he just wants to be with his friends, have some food, and calm down. It’s been a really long day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it! I didn't want to have Steve rescue him. Bucky saves himself cause he don't need no man (just a robot human thing 😂).
> 
> I put the final chapter count also! Comments make my day! Thank you to everyone reading and kudosing and commenting x
> 
> Ooh the next chapter, they have a talk...


	26. Hold On To Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew, we finally made it. This is kinda the last chapter sort of. There's two more epiloguey chapters left and then it's done 😭 I hope you like it!

As relieved and happy as Bucky is that Steve is okay and that he got there in time before Steve went off on a rescue mission, he can’t help avoiding Steve a little over the next couple of days. There’s a very real problem between them, but Bucky just doesn’t want to talk about it right now. Avoiding it is better. He’s still dealing with seeing his parents and worrying about his dad anyway—he doesn’t have room for other thoughts right now. He spends lots of time with Sam and the others, always with someone there so he and Steve are never alone. Steve still hovers around him, Bucky feels him watching him often, and of course they speak and Steve worries and fusses about his time away, but they never go any deeper. At night, Bucky excuses himself to go to bed early and then fakes being asleep whenever Steve comes up so he doesn’t have to talk.

Bucky tries his best to adjust. He gets in contact with Becca as soon as Clint sets him up with a new untraceable phone. It’s hard to talk to her, knowing she’s with their parents while he can’t be. But he talks to both his dad and his mom and they just seem happy that they saw him and that he’s still getting in contact. He never meant to push them so far away.

Now Bucky knows he’s not going home anytime soon, Becca gives him Logan’s number so he can call him and explain fully what’s happening himself. He’d given him a call when he drove up with Sam to meet Steve, so Logan wasn’t waiting for him to come to work, but he didn’t know how long he’d be gone. Now he knows if he goes home, he’ll probably be arrested, so he officially quits his job with Logan. It sucks. He’d finally found something he liked and felt he was good at. He tries hard not to dwell on it. He tries hard not to dwell on the idea that he threw everything away for a man who might throw him away. And he knows that’s not how Steve sees it, but that’s how Bucky feels, knowing Steve would give himself up if he had to.

Bucky doesn’t talk to anyone about that though. He focuses on other things. Becca promises to keep all the problems Bucky’s facing a secret from their parents for now. Bucky can tell she doesn’t want to, but until he has a solid plan of what they’re going to do, he doesn’t feel like panicking them with it. Especially not with his dad being ill already.

“How are they doing?” Steve asks as he enters their room cautiously, just as Bucky’s hanging up with Becca.

Bucky looks over at him. He feels a little emotional having been talking to Becca. “Good. Dad’s home now. He’s got to try to be healthier,” he tells Steve with a little half smile. “He’s not so pleased about that.”

Steve gives him a small smile in return. “I’m glad he’s doing okay.”

A slightly awkward silence fills the air and Bucky realises they are alone together for the first time in two days and he stands, intending on getting the hell out of there. “I’m gonna go see if Sam wants help making dinner,” he says by way of an excuse, heading for the door, but Steve steps in front of it, shutting it gently behind him, keeping Bucky in the room.

“Buck.” Steve lets out a tiny sigh. “I know you’re dealing with a lot, but I’m going a little crazy here.” He tries to catch Bucky’s eye, but Bucky can’t bring himself to properly look at Steve’s face.

Bucky bites his lip, shifting his weight from foot to foot. “What do you want me to say?”

“Whatever you need to say,” Steve replies.

Bucky lets out an amused huff. Apparently they’re doing this then. He supposes he can’t avoid this forever. He needs to face this, but every part of him doesn’t want to. But he can do this. “Okay,” he starts, taking a breath, and then he finally fixes his eyes on Steve’s. “Why do you want to leave me?” he asks, voice strong and challenging.

Steve’s face visibly crumples. “I don’t. You know I don’t,” he replies earnestly.

“You offered to turn yourself in,” Bucky reminds him. “I know you said you knew they wouldn’t do it, but that doesn’t matter. I know you would sacrifice yourself for other people every time, and I know that I’m supposed to be proud of you and think that’s noble or whatever, but I don’t,” Bucky says bluntly. He may as well put it all out there. “I don’t care if it’s selfish, I want to be the most important thing. I want you to be brave and help people, but I want to come first. Or actually, I want you and me to come first,” he amends. “And I know that’s wrong to say and I shouldn’t say it, but that’s how I feel. And you don’t feel that way so…” He trails off. So he doesn’t know where they go from here. He just doesn’t.

“Bucky,” Steve starts, voice pained. “How can you not see it? What you just said? You _are_ the most important thing to me. I know that. I also know if I had the choice between saving you and saving the whole world, I would pick you. And that…that’s not okay,” he says with a little sigh. “Not with the work I do.” Steve stands looking at him, a deep frown on his face.

Bucky feels like his heart might just be splitting in two. He can’t speak for a moment. “I…I guess that’s it then,” he manages to choke out, voice small, looking away from Steve, trying desperately to keep his emotions inside. Steve wants to be out there, but he’s Steve’s liability. He stops Steve from being his best, from doing the best job possible, and he can’t do that, so maybe this is it. Maybe this was always going to happen. Maybe this year was a dream and now Bucky has to wake up.

“It is,” Steve replies in a measured voice, and Bucky has to choke down a sob. “But not in the way you think.”

Bucky looks up at him in confusion.

“I choose you,” Steve tells him, eyes fixing on Bucky’s. “I’ve been Cap for long enough. I don’t need to do that anymore. I don’t agree with the Accords, but I can do what they want me to. I can retire.”

Hope and happiness blooms so suddenly in Bucky’s heart, it’s almost overwhelming, but he can’t let it take over. He shakes his head at Steve. “I can’t let you do that,” he says, wishing desperately that he could.

Steve gives him a little smile. “I think you know me well enough that you know people don’t really _let_ me do things. This is a decision I’m making.”

Bucky shakes his head again. “You’ll regret it. I know you will. You’ll wish you were out there fighting, and you’ll resent me.” He can feel himself trembling as he speaks. “I can’t do that. I can’t have you look at me in a month or a year and see your biggest mistake.” He wraps his arms around himself, taking a step back, blinking rapidly.

Steve takes a step forward. “Sweetheart,” he says with a little frown, voice admonishing, but then he’s smiling a little. “The only mistake I could ever make with you would be letting you go, not fighting for you with everything I have, not making you truly understand how much I love you and how much I need you over everything else.” He fixes his eyes on Bucky’s again, trapping him there looking into that mesmerising blue. His smile reaches his eyes now. “You also know me well enough to know I can be incredibly stubborn,” he adds.

Bucky blinks at him as his brain tries to process the idea that Steve wants to do this, that he’s willing to, for him. So they can be together. “So that’s it?” he chokes out. “You’re just…done?”

Steve steps forward again until he’s only inches away. “That’s it,” he confirms, his hand coming up to rest on Bucky’s cheek.

“Stevie,” Bucky breathes out, overwhelmed by emotion. “You can’t—”

“I can,” Steve cuts him off. “Just you and me,” he murmurs, brushing Bucky’s hair back behind his ear, setting off tingles down his neck as always. “If you’ll have me.”

Bucky can’t believe it. He can’t. But his brain is already thinking about what it means. He won’t have to be scared anymore with Steve going off on missions. He won’t have to see Steve returning home injured. He won’t have to panic every time Steve gets called away, because he won’t be called away anymore. Steve won’t have to put his life on the line anymore. He’ll be able to just be Steve. Steve without the weight of the world on his shoulders. Steve finally living his life as just Steve. It’s what Bucky’s always wanted but never admitted to anyone, even himself.

Bucky opens his mouth to argue but ends up closing it. He can see in Steve’s eyes that he’s serious. He really, truly means this. Bucky hears an overwhelmed choked sob come out of him, and Steve smiles softly at the weird noise, pure affection in his eyes.

Bucky’s body seems to move of its own accord then. It’s been too many days since he’s kissed Steve. He lifts his face, closing the distance, but Steve moves away slightly. Bucky feels himself flinch a little at the rejection, but Steve rubs his thumb over Bucky’s cheek.

“I need to ask you something,” Steve tells him.

“Can’t you kiss me first?” Bucky blurts.

Steve beams at him and moves his left hand to take Bucky’s right. “Hopefully in a minute,” he murmurs. He reaches round to his back pocket with his right hand and then holds his hand out.

Bucky stares at the brushed silver ring with a line etched around the middle, held between Steve’s fingers, heart suddenly beating double-time. “Wh…what is that?” he stutters, staring at it in surprise.

“What’s it look like,” Steve sasses back with a smile.

“It looks like you’re crazy,” Bucky can’t help but reply. Oh god, Steve can’t possibly be about to do what Bucky thinks he’s about to do? He can’t. It’s not even December. They haven’t even known each other for a year. _Oh shut up_ , a voice in Bucky’s head says. _He could have done this a month in and you would have said yes_.

“I can see you thinking,” Steve comments with a little smile.

_Of course I’m thinking_ , Bucky thinks. His head is practically exploding here. This is crazy. They’re fugitives, on the run from some of the most powerful people in the world, and Steve wants to retire and now he wants to marry Bucky? _That’s what the ring is for, right? It can’t be anything else, can it?_ It would really help if Steve would actually say something instead of making Bucky wait.

Steve kisses the tip of his nose, breaking him away from his thoughts. “You with me, Buck?” he asks with a soft smile.

Bucky nods shakily and tries to focus on Steve.

“You know,” Steve starts, apparently satisfied that Bucky’s paying attention now, “I’ve wanted to do this for a while now. But I didn’t want to scare you away,” he says with a sheepish smile. “But then you followed me here and you gave up everything for me and I don’t know how or why I got so lucky but…” Steve squeezes his hand lightly where he’s still holding it, looking down for a moment. When he looks back up, his eyes are glassy. “I think we were meant to meet. I think you were supposed to slip on that ice, and I was supposed to be there to break your fall. Maybe that’s crazy, but that’s how I feel. You were like this little miracle that fell right into my lap. It’s like you were the missing piece and now everything that was hollow in me is whole.”

Bucky can’t stop the tears from escaping his eyes now. He thinks back to that day, the day they first met. He never thought anyone would want him again, not after his arm, not with all his problems, and certainly not someone like Steve. Steve is so wonderful and giving and devoted, and Bucky will never understand it. But here they are, something unwavering between them, something he can’t explain, but something he just knows. He blinks rapidly, trying to clear his tears.

Steve isn’t faring much better. He looks like he’s trying to blink his own tears back. “I’m babbling, I didn’t mean to,” he says with a little embarrassed smile. “I just…ah, hell. Marry me, Buck? That’s what I’m trying to say. I want to marry you. I want to be with you forever. Will you?”

Steve looks at him with the most open and loving and wonderous look Bucky has ever seen. Of course it’s yes. As if it could ever be anything else. “Yes,” Bucky manages to choke out. “Shit, yes, fuck, Stevie,” he babbles.

“Language,” Steve grins at him, before sweeping him into his arms, literally, Bucky’s feet leaving the floor as he squeaks in surprise. “You’re everything,” Bucky hears Steve murmuring as he holds him. “The only thing, always.”

“Oh god, put me down!” Bucky complains, but he’s laughing now, happiness overwhelming him.

Steve pulls back his head, but Bucky’s still held up in his arms. “Never,” Steve smiles triumphantly at him.

“Kiss me, you punk,” Bucky grins at him.

Steve starts peppering kisses all over his face, which is not quite what Bucky had in mind.

He whacks Steve in the shoulder lightly. “Dammit, Stevie!” he complains, still laughing as Steve finally presses their lips together and kisses him like he’s relishing every second, learning the shape of his lips again, as he presses his softly against them.

When they finally break apart and Steve finally puts him down, Bucky’s head is spinning. Is this really happening? Did he really just get engaged?

Steve lifts the ring and slides it onto Bucky’s ring finger on his right hand when Bucky lifts that one, as if answering his disbelieving thought spiral, proving they really _did_ just get engaged.

“It fits,” Bucky says, surprised, looking at his hand a little awestruck.

“Of course it does, I measured it,” Steve grins, rubbing his fingers over the ring on Bucky’s hand.

“You did?” Bucky asks surprised. “When?”

“A while back, when you were sleeping,” Steve confesses with a little smile, lifting Bucky’s hand to kiss over the ring on his finger.

“And then you thought, _hey, we’ve just had our biggest fight ever, let me go get a ring_ , while I was off seeing my dad?” Bucky can’t help asking with a bemused smile.

Steve smiles softly at him. “I bought it in July.”

Bucky’s thrown. “You…you did?” he asks, a little stunned.

Steve gives him a tender smile. “Buck, I didn’t…this didn’t come out of nowhere. I didn’t propose on a whim. Same with my retiring. It might seem like I’m doing it because of our fight, but I’ve been thinking about it for a while now. Everything that happened over the last few days was just the catalyst for me to decide to do it.” He runs his hand down Bucky’s metal arm, the sensors making Bucky feel the light touch. “I bought the ring just after Wanda visited us. I knew it was too soon, but I just…I couldn’t help myself.”

Bucky stares at him, his heart flooding with warmth and astonishment. “But it’s not too soon now?” he asks softly.

“No,” Steve confirms. “I came close to losing you and I realised I don’t want another minute apart from you. I didn’t before, but now…now I know how it feels to have thought I could have lost you.”

“I’m sorry,” Bucky apologises, feeling guilty for having put Steve through that.

Steve frowns a little. “Tony’s the one who should be sorry.”

Bucky reaches out and runs his hand across Steve’s cheek. “You have to let that go.”

“Let it go that he basically kidnapped you? No, I don’t think I will let that go,” Steve almost growls.

“I’m safe and we’re together. That’s all that matters,” Bucky tries to convince him. “And Tony’s not a bad guy. He’s doing what he thinks is right.” Steve still looks angry and Bucky sighs a little. “You’ve gotta see why? He blames himself for Ultron, he knows it was partly him that caused that whole thing, and he wants to try and make it right.”

Steve gives him an incredulous but warm look. “I can’t believe you’re defending him after what he did to you. You’re really the kindest man I’ve ever met.”

Bucky rolls his eyes a little. “He really didn’t do anything. I was there for a few hours and then I’m pretty sure he helped me escape. I’m not gonna hold it against him. Much.” He can’t help adding the ‘much’ because Tony arresting him while his dad was in the hospital _was_ a pretty bullshit move, as was acting like his arm was a light switch he could flick on and off at will. But he thinks he got through to Tony, at least a little, through telling him about his arm—the one thing he’ll always keep from Steve because he refuses to do that to Tony when he doesn’t blame him at all for his accident.

Steve doesn’t look convinced to not hate Tony anymore, so Bucky gives up on that for now. There are more important things to think about right now.

“What are we going to tell the others?” Bucky says as a realisation. How will they handle Steve no longer being Cap? They wanted to go out on missions and keep helping, but will they do that without Steve? How will Steve handle that? Come to think of it, are they going to stay here or does Steve want to leave and go somewhere else, just them? There’re so many things he hadn’t thought of at first.

“They already know,” Steve replies with a slightly nervous look as if bracing himself for Bucky’s response. “I told them my decision yesterday.”

Bucky is stunned for a moment. “But we hadn’t…what did they say? Are they mad?”

Steve’s face softens. “No, they’re not mad. They were very understanding actually.”

“But what are they going to do?” Bucky cuts in. “What are we going to do?” he adds worriedly.

“We talked a little about that too. Do you want to go and see everyone, and we can all talk about it?” Steve suggests. “I think they’re anxious to know what’s happening.”

“Wait, why?” Bucky frowns. “Do they know about this?” he asks, holding up his hand with the ring.

Steve looks sheepishly at him. “I may have let it slip that I was planning to ask.” He grins and takes Bucky’s hand, rubbing his fingers over the ring. “So, c’mon, let’s go see them and put them out of their misery.”

Bucky takes a breath. “Okay,” he agrees with a nervous smile. He hopes their friends are happy for them. He’s a little scared that they’ll blame him for Steve retiring, but some part of him knows that they won’t. Some part of him knows that they’ll be supportive and actually mean it.

As he and Steve go down the stairs, Sam appears at the bottom. “Hey, I was just coming to get you. Dinner’s done,” he tells them before he notices them holding hands and breaks into a smile. “Aww, did you guys work it out? Look at you, all happy.”

Bucky flushes at Sam’s teasing. “Shuddup,” he mumbles. God, he’s so happy right now, he can barely keep himself together.

Sam just grins. “C’mon, I made spaghetti,” he says, turning back round to go to the kitchen.

Steve shrugs at Bucky and they follow, helping to take the food to the dining table as everyone gathers to eat.

Bucky isn’t sure how to start as his friends bustle around, serving themselves and chattering to one another. One of his favourite things about them all is how positive they all are, even with the things they’ve been through lately. Even Wanda, who’s the most subdued of them, is smiling and laughing with the others. Bucky feels a wave of affection for all of them as he looks at them.

“Hey, pass the cheese over,” Sam requests, pulling him out of his thoughts.

Bucky passes it over, but suddenly Sam grabs his hand. “Oh my god, is this what I think it is?” he booms, yanking on Bucky’s hand, looking at his ring.

Bucky feels himself turning red as he tries to yank his hand away, but Sam holds firm and the others lean in to get a look too.

Wanda beams at him and Steve. “Oh, you finally did it!” She leans over to hug Bucky, which is a little tricky for him as Sam still has his hand. “I’m so happy for you!”

“Did he cry?” Clint asks Bucky with a grin. “I bet he was gonna cry.”

Steve rolls his eyes as Sam finally releases Bucky’s hand.

“I bet he was super romantic about it,” Scott chips in. “Probably got on one knee, the whole thing.”

“That’s between me and Bucky,” Steve tells them, reaching over to squeeze Bucky’s hand.

Bucky smiles at him, everyone’s excitement rubbing off on him. “He got teary,” he confirms with a grin to Clint, “but not down on one knee,” he says to Scott, while Steve lets out an exaggerated sigh at Bucky telling them.

“I can’t believe it,” Sam grins at them both. “Finally making an honest man out of him,” he tells Steve.

Steve smiles softly, clearly waiting for their teasing to ease off. “I told Bucky we discussed my retiring,” he confirms, when he has their attention. “I thought we could all talk about what we want to do next.”

Clint nods, while shoveling a forkful of pasta into his mouth. Scott starts instead. “I’ve got to be there for Cassie, so I’ve got to figure out a way to do that without being thrown in Stark jail again,” he says with a wry smile and eyebrow raise.

Steve nods at him. “We’ll do whatever we can to help you with that,” he promises.

“Clint and I discussed staying here,” Wanda chips in. “We’re still fugitives. Unless that changes, we can’t go back to our lives. But I think I would be happy to make a new one here.”

“I thought it would be fun to get this to be a working farm again,” Clint says as he swallows his food.

Bucky listens to their discussion with surprise. “You guys don’t want to be out there, doing Avengers stuff?”

Clint smirks. “Well we’re not Avengers anymore.”

“But before Steve…you guys wanted to still go out there?” Bucky asks in a small voice. Are they giving all that up because Steve won’t be with them, because of him?

“It was a thought,” Clint nods with a little shrug. “But this is another one. And it sounds pretty good to me.”

“And me,” Wanda agrees. She looks at her hands. “I’ll never be normal, but it might be nice to live that way,” she says with a little smile.

Bucky looks over at Sam, the only one who hasn’t said anything. “What about you, Sammy?”

Sam smiles, looking a little sad. “No one’s looking for me. I can go back to New York, keep an eye on things, look out for Becca…” he shrugs.

Bucky’s heart hurts but he nods. “I didn’t mean to drag you into this.”

Sam shakes his head. “Nah, none of that. I wanted to be here. I maybe got a little caught up in it all. I like my life, you know? I’m lucky enough that I can have it, so I figure I kinda have to. I should appreciate it, that I’ve got that freedom, seeing as you guys can’t.”

Bucky looks sadly at his friend. He’s right. He knows he is, but it’s still a blow, to think of Sam back home without him. But at least Becca will have one of them there. If he can’t be there, she deserves to have Sam there.

“Aw, don’t look so sad, peach-pie. I can still visit, as long as I’m careful, right?” Sam says, looking at Steve for confirmation, who nods.

“Where will he be visiting, out of curiousity?” Clint asks, keeping his tone light.

“Um, I think Bucky and I need to discuss that together,” Steve says, looking slightly flustered.

“You don’t want to stay?” Bucky blurts without thinking, voice full of surprise.

Steve looks uncomfortable. “I, um…we should talk in private about this.”

Bucky nods and gets to his feet, abandoning his dinner. “Okay,” he agrees, yanking on Steve’s arm, until he lets out a breath and allows himself to be pulled up and follows Bucky through to the hallway.

“I didn’t mean right this second,” Steve complains as Bucky turns to face him when he’s sure the others can’t hear them.

“You don’t want to stay here?” Bucky asks outright.

Steve shakes his head. “I want to do what you want to do.”

Bucky sighs in frustration. “Stevie,” he says in a warning tone.

Steve looks like he gives in, running his hand through his hair for a moment. “Okay, yes, I think…I would like to stay here. But only if you want to. If you want to go somewhere else, start fresh…” He trails off, waiting for Bucky’s response.

Bucky shakes his head, thankful they’re on the same page. “I want to stay here too. Our friends are here, or at least some of them, and it’s safe and quiet. I like it here. I do.”

Steve’s face brightens into a smile as Bucky speaks. “You do?” he asks happily, as though he hadn’t realised that. “I do too. I think we could be happy here. We could help Clint with the farm, and I was thinking we could get our own place? I mean we can’t really buy anywhere, but Clint owns the land and we could build on it? Make it exactly how we want it?”

Steve sounds so excited, Bucky can’t help but frown at him. “You’ve given this a lot of thought?”

Steve shrugs, smile faltering slightly. “I just thought about it a little.”

Bucky moves closer and wraps his arms round Steve’s waist. “And yet you started this with saying you’d go wherever I wanted?” he sighs.

“I will,” Steve says instantly. “If you don’t want any of that, that’s okay, we can—”

“Steve,” Bucky says firmly, narrowing his eyes a little. “You’ve got to start thinking of yourself for once. I know you don’t know the meaning of selfish, but you really have to start trying. I don’t want you doing things just because I want to.”

Steve’s face goes a little red, but then he recovers. “You think I’m not selfish?” he chuckles. “You know I am. I should have left you when Hydra threatened you, but I couldn’t, because I _am_ selfish. I love you too much to let you go.”

Bucky stares at him and lets out a little huff. “Well, good. Keep that up. Cause I love you too much to be let go.”

Steve leans in and kisses him, softly and sweetly. It reminds Bucky of the very first time he did, back in Bucky’s room, sitting together on his bed. It feels like an age ago. “Don’t worry,” Steve says as he pulls back and reaches for Bucky’s hand so he can trace over the ring on his finger. “You’re stuck with me now.”

“Good,” Bucky beams at him. He can’t quite believe everything’s that’s happened. An hour ago, he was avoiding Steve. A half hour ago, he thought he was about to lose him for good, but now…now he’s going to be married to this amazing man. This is really happening. Steve wants him forever.

Bucky leans in to pull Steve into a soft kiss, before he tugs his hand to lead him back through to the dining table.

Everyone looks over as they enter.

“So…?” Clint asks, expectantly.

Bucky turns his head and gives Steve a little smile, before turning back. “So what do you know about farmyard goats?” he asks Clint with a grin. “Cause I’ve always wanted one.”

Clint breaks into a smile, as does Wanda, and Scott and Sam look pleased for them too.

“You’re staying?” Wanda checks, eyes bright and hopeful.

“We’re staying,” Steve confirms happily.

Wanda gets up to hug them both as Clint raises his glass in a cheer. Sam gives Bucky a warm smile over Wanda’s shoulder and Bucky grins back. He’s happy. It seems like a huge achievement considering everything going on in their lives right now, like he shouldn’t be this happy. But he is. Maybe life isn’t turning out the way he thought it would, but maybe, just maybe, it’s going to turn out even better. As long as Steve is by his side, Bucky knows that’s true.

Steve leans in and kisses his cheek, pushing a strand of hair back behind his ear, as Clint breaks out a bottle of wine to celebrate with, the others grabbing glasses.

“Till the end of the line, right,” Steve murmurs to him.

Bucky nods, feeling like his face is practically glowing with happiness. “Yeah, Stevie. Always.”

Steve pulls him in for a long, soft kiss. Bucky barely registers Wanda making ‘aww’ noises at them or Sam telling them to ‘get a room’. All he really knows is Steve, because he’s everything. There’s nothing else in the world but them, in that moment.

Or at least until Clint interrupts them loudly.

“Hey, can I officiate your wedding?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 😁 I hope you like this one as much as I liked writing it! One chapter sometime next week and the last one on the 13th is the plan 🙂


	27. Bright Lights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't let you go without some Steve POV.

Steve wakes up early that morning with a smile on his face. He wakes up that way a lot lately.

Bucky’s snuggled into his side, one leg flung over Steve’s. It’s another perfect moment. Steve’s been gathering a lot of those lately—moments he tries to freeze in his head, sometimes later sketching them so he doesn’t forget. He never wants to forget this feeling.

He has to get up though. It’s a big day. He untangles himself from Bucky, pressing a soft kiss to his soft hair, taking a little inhale of that pure Bucky scent. Bucky wiggles a little but doesn’t wake. Steve gazes at him for a few moments more, before getting dressed as quickly and quietly as he can.

He heads downstairs to find Clint already waiting for him, ready for their mission.

“Ready?” he says, as he notices Steve and downs the coffee in his mug.

“I am,” Steve confirms. He can’t wait to get out there.

The drive into the neighbouring town doesn’t take long. Clint finds a spot to park and then they head out on their mission.

“You ready for this?” Steve asks Clint.

“I’m just your backup, this is all on you,” Clint replies, lifting his hands in surrender.

Steve grins as they enter the already crowded Christmas tree lot.

“Make sure you pick a good’un,” Clint says, running his hand along the branches as Steve studies each tree, trying to avoid bumping into people.

He takes a little while deciding, but eventually lands on a great tree, that’s probably a little bit big, but has a great shape to it and he just knows Bucky will love it. They pay for it, as well as a stand to put it in, and Clint helps haul it to their pickup truck.

Steve checks the clock as they drive back home. It’s still early, Bucky won’t be up for a while—long enough for them to get home and get the tree set up.

Steve’s phone buzzes with a message as they turn off down the tiny road that leads to the farmhouse. He reads it and grins. “Nat’s still on track to get here on the sixteenth,” he tells Clint.

“Is she bringing the good pie with her?” Clint asks with a hopeful smile.

Steve’s phone buzzes again before he can even ask.

_I will bring Clint’s pie._

Steve chuckles. “As if she’d let you down.”

As they approach the house, Steve once again can’t believe how much the land’s changed already. They’ve been working hard, getting the farm up and running. They haven’t quite graduated to getting all their farm animals yet, but Clint’s been figuring out planting things and Wanda takes great pride in helping maintain everything and reading up about all there is to do with running a farm. Steve’s pretty much pulled in as the muscle on most of it, which he doesn’t really mind, while Bucky’s become very taken with looking after the two animals they do have so far—two chickens. He named them Scott and Sam—a fact that Scott found hilarious and Sam took as an insult, except every time Sam calls, he always asks how Sam-Chicken is doing.

Scott, as always, is making the best of things. It’s a sore point with Steve that he can’t do anything more to help him, but Scott chose to take a plea deal and it wasn’t up to Steve to get involved in it. He’s trying to come to terms with that fact. This way, Scott’s back in San Francisco, under house arrest, but he gets to see his daughter which is the most important thing to Scott. It’s better for him than either being locked up or being a fugitive away from her. Still, it makes Steve so angry that that was the choice Scott had to make.

Natasha had been the most instrumental person in arranging that deal. Ever since she helped them when they rescued Scott, she’s been helping them wherever possible after reaching out to Clint. She knows where they are now and comes to visit sometimes, but remains their eyes and ears out there, though she’s no longer working with Tony or the other remaining Avengers. They know she helped them free Scott, so she’s just as wanted as them now. The weird thing is though, Tony doesn’t seem to be putting much effort into looking for her. The government still wants to bring them in, but Natasha’s found it easy to stay off their radar.

Bucky is certain now that Tony helped him escape. Steve doesn’t know what to make of it, but he’s thankful for it at least. While they’re careful when going out to town, it doesn’t feel like they have to be quite as careful. They can’t go home, but Steve doesn’t feel like he’s on the run anymore, most days. He just has to ensure no one recognises him. There are still days when he wishes things were different, wishes his friends didn’t have to make this choice, but at the same time, if things had to turn out this way, they’re turning out pretty okay.

Clint helps him haul the tree in and get it setup in the living room in the corner, where the tree dominates the room.

“Huh. It’s really big,” Clint comments as they stare at it. The top is almost brushing the ceiling.

“Yeah,” Steve confirms, studying the tree.

“Didn’t look this big before.”

“Nope.” Steve looks over and shrugs.

They both turn as they hear the sound of a door upstairs.

“Sounds like Buck is up,” Clint grins. “I’ll get out of your hair so you can surprise him.”

“Thanks, Clint!” Steve calls after him as he wanders off back outside, no doubt to check on the things he planted yesterday. Steve figures he’ll probably find Wanda out there somewhere already too.

Steve rushes over to the stairs when he hears footsteps coming down, to find Bucky, all adorably sleep-rumpled, wearing Steve’s blue sweatpants and his own red sweater, which Bucky says is festive.

“Stevie, why’re you up so early?” he asks, rubbing one of his eyes as he sees Steve.

Steve grins. “It’s almost ten.”

Bucky blinks at him. “I stand by my statement.”

Steve chuckles. “You’re gonna have to get up way earlier than this if we get this place to be a working farm,” he reminds him.

Bucky pouts as he makes his way down the last couple of stairs, stopping on the last one, making him a little taller than Steve. “I’ll be looking after the animals. I’m pretty sure they’ll appreciate a lie in.”

Steve smiles at him. “Sure, Buck. I’m sure that’s right.” God this man is just adorable. “Anyway, I’m up because I have a surprise for you.” He can hardly contain his excitement.

“You do?” Bucky’s eyes brighten with interest. “What is it?”

“Cover your eyes,” Steve requests.

Bucky pouts again and then leans in, stroking his hand over Steve’s beard—which Steve accidently let grow in and Bucky fell in love with and now won’t let Steve shave off—and steals a soft kiss, before closing his eyes obediently.

Steve gets hold of him and moves him down the step, along, through the hallway to the living room and then positions him and stands behind Bucky, wrapping his arms round him. “Okay, open.”

Bucky takes in the sight before him and then turns his head to look at Steve. “Stevie!” he exclaims. “It’s huge!”

Steve grins at his excitement. “I didn’t decorate it this time. This time we’re gonna do that together.”

Bucky nods at him. “Wanda and Clint have to help too.”

“Of course,” Steve agrees. “It’s their tree too.”

In just over two months, they’ve become like a little family. Steve’s plan for him and Bucky to build a house of their own still stands, because he wants them to have their own space and privacy, but he really does love living with Clint and Wanda and he’s so grateful to have them both.

“Nat’s gonna be here in a few days too,” he reminds Bucky, thinking of their other family member.

“She probably won’t mind if we do it without her,” Bucky says, contemplating, as he reaches out and strokes his hand over the needles of the tree. “Did she have any news?” he asks, as he turns in Steve’s arms to face him.

Any news is code for ‘are we still safe’, Steve knows. Bucky says it that way because he likes to feel like they’re living normally. Steve shakes his head at him. “All quiet on the Western front,” he says with a little smile.

Bucky looks even happier. “Good. I can’t wait to see Becca in a few days,” he beams.

Becca’s coming to visit for the first time. Bucky wanted to wait a while, to be sure things had calmed down before having her visit. Steve knows they’ve gone over and over the plan for her driving here, to ensure no one follows her. Natasha has a way to track her through a satellite as she travels so Clint or Natasha can do that the whole way and look out for any problems as well, so Steve knows Bucky feels a lot better about it. What Bucky doesn’t know is that Sam and Logan are coming too, as are Bucky’s parents. Steve’s planned it all and they’re arriving on the fifteenth of December as Steve’s anniversary present to Bucky.

Steve’s planned it all out with them, along with Clint, Natasha and Wanda, and Bucky has no idea. Steve’s so excited to surprise him, but more than a little nervous to meet Bucky’s parents. Bucky had finally told them what was going on and while they were pretty shocked and worried, to say the least, they were also incredibly sweet when they forced Bucky to put Steve on the phone. Steve spent the whole phone call in disbelief at how kind they were being, considering Bucky’s current circumstances are all his fault. Turns out Becca had been talking him up more than a little, and Bucky’s parents’ main concern was that Bucky was happy, which Bucky reassured them he was. Still, it’s going to nerve-wracking to meet them face-to-face.

It turns out they are just as wonderful in person as they are on the phone.

Steve goes out to greet them as they arrive on the fifteenth. He got Clint to take Bucky grocery shopping so everyone can arrive while they’re out and then surprise him. Steve keeps Wanda with him as a buffer, nerves running through him. It’s funny, he can take on governments and Hydra and goddamn space aliens, but meeting his fiancé’s parents is the thing that really scares him. It turns out he doesn’t really need Wanda’s help though. Winifred gathers him into a big hug as soon as he introduces himself and George shakes his hand.

“It’s so wonderful to finally meet you,” Winifred beams at him.

Steve instantly relaxes a little. “Thank you so much for coming all this way.” She looks so much like Becca, but Steve can see little bits of Bucky there too.

Steve expects some questions but instead Winifred directs her attention at Wanda and gathers her into a hug as well.

“Bucky’s told us so much about you,” Winifred smiles at her.

Poor Wanda looks a little overwhelmed, but in a good way. Her and Bucky have grown close over the last few months and Steve can see how they’ve got a brother-sister dynamic going. It’s incredibly sweet to see how Bucky’s taken Wanda under his wing and Wanda seems so happy lately, despite everything.

“It’s very nice to meet you,” Wanda replies politely, with a genuine smile as George shakes her hand too. She gives Steve a little look and Steve can tell she’s feeling the same way he is. It’s so nice to feel so readily accepted by them both. It makes Steve think about his own mother. She was so kind to everyone she met. He wishes she was here to meet Bucky, but he’s sure she would be happy for him.

“Let me grab your bags,” Steve offers, before he can lose himself in thoughts of the past. They’re staying for a few days, having their own early Christmas before going home. “We’ve got a little time before the others should get here and then Bucky will be home to be surprised,” he tells them as they walk to the house.

“Oh your place is lovely,” Winifred exclaims as Steve leads them inside.

“Thank you, ma’am,” Steve smiles as he holds out his hands to take their coats.

Winifred waves her hand at him. “Oh, my, that’s adorable. I can tell you’re a true gentleman, Steve. But you call me Winnie, you hear?” she says in a way that Steve can’t argue with it.

“Yes, ma…Winnie,” Steve corrects himself. “Let me take these for you, sir,” he says to George, reaching for the bags in his hand.

George chuckles and passes them over, giving Winnie a look. “Just George for me.”

Steve nods. “Right. Of course. Thank you, George.” God, he feels like a bumbling idiot right now, but he thinks he’s made a good first impression anyway. He hopes so.

Wanda offers to show them through to the living room and get them drinks while Steve runs upstairs to drop their bags in their room. He setup his and Bucky’s room for them to stay in, tidying up and changing the bedding as soon as Bucky left with Clint.

As Steve returns downstairs, he hears them compliment the Christmas tree, that they all decorated a few days ago, and then he hears another car pulling up and looks out to see Logan’s car arriving. He heads out to greet him and Sam and Becca, directing them to park behind the house like Bucky’s parents did, so Bucky won’t see their cars when he arrives.

Everything descends into a little madness from that point on. Winnie and George are super happy to see their daughter, but seem almost happier to see Sam, which Steve finds highly amusing. They’ve never met Logan so that’s an experience. Steve’s never seen Logan so soft. He’s always got a gruff exterior, but with Winnie especially, it’s like he can’t keep it up. Especially when Winnie thanks him for looking after Bucky during his time in the army. Steve could swear that Logan gets flustered.

Steve tries to be a good host, getting drinks for people as everyone chatters, and it all seems to be going great. He relaxes even more when Natasha calls to confirm that she tracked them there and everything seems fine. He thanks her profusely. She’s going to be coming a day later than everyone else, off doing whatever it is she does these days. Then he gets a ten-minute warning text from Clint.

“They’re on their way back,” he interrupts everyone excitedly. God, he can’t wait to surprise Bucky. He knows how happy he’ll be and that’s what Steve lives for.

He gets them all to gather in front of the heavily decorated tree, like a perfect picture postcard moment, and then heads outside to wait to meet Bucky.

The car appears after a few minutes and once they park, Bucky starts grabbing grocery bags until Clint waves him off. Steve jogs up to meet them as Bucky puts the bags down with a confused look.

“We’ll get those in a sec,” Steve tells him, grabbing his hand.

Bucky frowns at the excited look on his face. “What’s going on?”

“It’s time for your anniversary present,” Steve beams, tugging on his hand a little.

Bucky’s face changes into a smirk. “Right here, in front of Clint?” he says, raising his eyebrow a little.

Steve may have promised him some epic anniversary sex the night before. He rolls his eyes. “Just c’mon,” he grouses, tugging on his hand again.

“Alright, alright, calm down, Rogers,” Bucky complains, but allows himself to be led back to the house.

When they get there, Steve practically shoves him through the door.

“Seriously, Stevie, what’s so urgent it couldn’t—” Bucky’s words cut off as he turns towards the living room from the hallway.

“Surprise!” they all yell at him.

Steve watches as Bucky blinks at them in disbelief. “What the…” He looks a little like he’s in shock. “How did you…”

Becca gets to him first, grabbing him in a hug, before everyone else descends on him. Bucky’s got tears in his eyes as his mom hugs him, and Steve’s never been happier because Bucky looks so happy even if he does seem a bit overwhelmed.

“I can’t believe this, how did you…?” he asks, as his dad hugs him, and then Sam and Logan.

“Steve,” Winnie tells him with a little nod. “He arranged the whole thing.”

Bucky turns to look back over at Steve. “You did?”

Steve smiles softly at the look on his face. “Happy anniversary, Buck.”

Bucky travels the few steps back to him to grab him in a hug too. “I can’t believe you did this,” he mumbles into Steve’s shoulder.

“I wanted to do something special,” Steve tells him as he pulls back.

Bucky lowers his voice for a moment, keeping his head close to Steve’s. “Is it safe though?” he asks, eyes worried.

Steve nods and speaks quietly. “Natasha tracked them, and they took indirect routes. We made sure it would all be fine.”

Bucky visibly relaxes and hugs Steve again. “Thank you,” he murmurs, and Steve presses a kiss to his hair, before Bucky breaks away to hug his mom again.

“Hey, brought you a little something,” Sam pipes up, digging in his bag, before holding out his hand to Bucky to reveal the snow globe Steve gave Bucky last year.

Memories from that day flood Steve and his chest feels so warm as he watches.

“How did you…?” Bucky looks shocked as he takes it.

“Don’t worry, I was hella sneaky breaking into your house,” Sam says with a wide grin. “Brought you a bunch of stuff,” he adds, gesturing to his bag.

Steve watches happily as Bucky smiles so brightly, Steve’s sure the whole world could be lit just by his smile.

It stays that way for the rest of the day. Steve’s never been happier because Bucky is so damn happy, he’s practically radiant. The day is filled with joy and laughter and everything Steve thinks they needed. Steve knows Bucky loves Clint and Wanda—he already treats them like family—but these people are the ones who matter the most in the world to him, his family by blood and his family by choice, and Steve’s so happy that he got to give him this.

Their guests finally head off to bed late that night and Bucky’s so content, he’s the sweetest Steve’s ever seen him look as he clings to Steve with tiredness as they head across the grass to the quinjet. Becca is staying in Wanda’s room, Winifred and George in Steve and Bucky’s, and Sam and Logan each have a couch, so Steve’s setup the quinjet for him and Bucky to sleep in. It also means they have privacy, which Steve felt a desperate need to have on their anniversary.

Bucky pauses as he walks into the jet to see what Steve setup. He’s got a mattress on the floor, bed made up and surrounded by cushions, with candles that Clint snuck in to light for him just a few minutes ago placed on the available surfaces. It looks like their own special little grotto or something, Steve thinks. Sure, maybe a five-star hotel would be more traditional and fancy, but he thinks he’s done well with what he has.

“Stevie,” Bucky breathes out.

Steve grins at the look on his face. “You didn’t think I was gonna have us sleeping on separate bunks on our anniversary, did you?”

Bucky abruptly grabs him and kisses him hard and Steve feels himself melt into it. “You’re amazing,” Bucky tells him when he breaks away. “What you did today was amazing and now this as well?” He frowns. “I got you coupons to exchange for Bucky-time,” he says with a little grimace.

Steve grins even wider at that. “So you got me the best present in history then?”

Bucky goes adorably shy. “Shuddup,” he mumbles, looking down and giving Steve’s shoulder a little shove.

Steve shakes his head and yanks Bucky into his arms. “C’mon, give me them, I’ve gotta exchange one right now,” he says in delight, nuzzling into Bucky’s neck.

Bucky squeaks a little, probably from Steve’s beard tickling him. “I think you’ve earned a freebie.”

“Is that right?” Steve smiles into Bucky’s neck, taking a deep inhale, surrounding himself with Bucky’s scent before pressing kisses there.

“Mmm, baby…” Bucky murmurs.

Steve makes quick work of getting Bucky’s clothes off, distracting him with kisses as he finally gets him naked and lying on the bed, ever present dog tags the only thing left on him.

“Not fair,” Bucky whinges when he sees Steve’s fully dressed still.

Steve grins, staring at his beautiful Bucky, eyes trailing down to his already hard cock that’s just begging to be touched. Bucky is so stunning, it always floors him a little. He’s packed on some muscle since they moved in together and it shows. Steve’s entranced by the lean, taut lines of his body. The candlelight reflects off Bucky’s left arm, the bits of gold between the plates seeming to shimmer. It does the same on his eyes, pupils blown out wide in the darkness, flame reflections shimmering back.

“You’re staring at me,” Bucky says flatly.

“I am,” Steve answers with a self-satisfied smile, before he divests himself of his shirt.

Bucky gives him a very appreciative look and reaches out for him, but Steve moves back so he can unzip and pull off his pants, shoes and socks.

“Baby, come here,” Bucky whines at him.

Steve smirks at him. “Don’t you want to give me a minute to take these off?” he asks, sliding his thumb into the waistband of his boxers.

“Yes, fuck, but hurry up,” Bucky says breathlessly as he watches him.

Steve slides them off slowly. “Oh no, no, no. It’s our anniversary. I’m going to take my time with you, Buck,” he promises darkly. He swears he sees Bucky’s pupils dilate further.

“Oh yeah?” Bucky murmurs.

Steve nods as he finally clambers onto the bed, kneeling over Bucky. He’s rock hard himself, but he can ignore that for a while. He starts his plan off by running his hand down Bucky’s chest, grazing over his nipples, before stroking down his right side, making Bucky jolt a little.

Steve grins a little, knowing he’s ticklish there. He follows his hand with his mouth, laying kisses all over Bucky’s gorgeous body, occasionally nipping and sucking at him a little, getting cute little noises out of him.

“You remember the first time we did this?” Steve murmurs at him as he works his way back up to Bucky’s neck, avoiding touching his cock for now, their dog tags clinking together.

“Mmm…” Bucky acknowledges with a breathy little moan as Steve sucks on his neck just a little. He’s careful not to leave any visible lovebite, seeing as they have visitors over, but he knows Bucky loves when he does this.

“You were so beautiful,” Steve mumbles into Bucky’s neck, before trailing his way up to his perfect defined jaw. “I remember wondering over and over, _how did I get this lucky?_ You were so brave,” he murmurs, with a kiss to Bucky’s cheek, “and so open with me,” he adds, with a kiss to Bucky’s forehead, “and you made me feel things I’d never felt before.” He finally captures Bucky’s lips, kissing him fiercely as Bucky cranes his head up to fervently kiss him back.

“You know,” Bucky says breathlessly, between kisses, “that was the moment I knew I loved you. Right then.”

Steve pulls back in surprise. “You didn’t tell me for ages after that,” he says with a little incredulous frown.

Bucky smiles, probably at the look on his face. “Didn’t want to scare you away.”

Steve lets out an amused huff. “Don’t think you’d ever have been able to scare me off. And you’re never getting away from me now,” he beams. He still can’t believe Bucky said yes. He was mostly sure he would, but it still doesn’t make sense to him. Bucky’s always been too good for him. Always. Steve doesn’t know why he gets to be with this incredible man, but he thanks his lucky stars that he does.

Bucky grins and lifts his hand to look at his ring. “God, what was I thinking?” he sasses with a little smirk at Steve.

Steve pouts a little before grabbing Bucky in his arms and holding him tightly, rolling them so Bucky’s now on top of him, Bucky letting out an indignant squawk. Steve holds in a moan as his cock gets pressed into Bucky’s abs. “Just for that, I’m gonna make you do all the work,” Steve tells him, a laugh playing on his lips as he reaches out to gently tuck Bucky’s hair back for him.

“I’m very okay with that,” Bucky grins back, as he wiggles himself forwards a little, sitting up, until Steve’s dick is freed and presses against Bucky’s ass, and Steve lets a moan out now.

“Dammit, Buck.”

“Something wrong, baby?” Bucky smirks with a little eyebrow raise, pushing his ass back just a little.

Steve bucks his hips a little, his cock rubbing against the cleft of Bucky’s ass. “You…god…please, Buck,” he groans. How did his plan end up here? He blames Bucky. Bucky is irresistible. He wanted to go slow, make Bucky writhe and beg, but now all he can think about is being inside him, feeling that tight heat, being connected with Bucky, watching him pant and whimper like he does.

Bucky reaches back and wraps a hand round Steve’s cock. “I don’t whimper,” Bucky says indignantly, giving Steve’s cock a little warning squeeze.

Steve didn’t realise he’d said all that out loud. “Oh you really do, sweetheart. I fucking love it,” he says, staring into Bucky’s beautiful eyes, before letting out another groan as Bucky squeezes him again.

Bucky glowers at him. “Yeah, well we’ll see who’ll be writhing and begging this time, Stevie,” he warns, and with that Bucky moves his hand from Steve and wraps it around his own cock, starting to stroke it.

Steve watches him with lustful eyes and his hand reaches out of it’s own accord, only to get lightly smacked away. It still stings a little, seeing as it’s Bucky’s metal hand and Steve pouts at Bucky, he knows he does, as Bucky gives him a little half smile.

“Mmm, god this feels good,” Bucky groans, and Steve knows he’s playing it up, but it doesn’t make Bucky’s groan any less effective. He watches as Bucky jerks himself off, getting batted away every time he goes to touch him, before Bucky locates the lube, leaning over to grab it and then…then he reaches behind himself and lets out a downright filthy loud moan as he starts fingering himself open.

Steve’s eyes widen in disbelief. Steve always does this for him, loves doing it, in fact. Loves getting Bucky all sweaty and moany, feeling the tightness around his fingers, knowing that soon it’ll be his cock feeling it. “Buck, Jesus Christ…” Steve groans in disbelief.

“Something wrong, baby?” Bucky asks again.

Steve lets out an involuntary little whimper. “Let me see, sweetheart, you gotta…” he implores him. He wants to watch, and touch, but Bucky just smirks at him.

“What was that, Stevie?” Bucky asks, making a little gasping noise. “Mmm, fuck, that’s two.”

Steve’s eyes widen. “Buck, this isn’t fair,” he complains.

“You don’t like me fingering myself open for you?” Bucky says with amusement on his face. “Don’t you want me to get ready for that big cock of yours?” he smirks.

A sort of guttural moan comes out of Steve and his hands twitch, reaching out towards Bucky again, again getting batted away by Bucky’s metal hand. “Buck, c’mon, you’ve gotta let me touch you, I’m dying here,” Steve implores him with wide eyes.

Bucky shakes his head, face looking lost in pleasure, and Steve wonders if he’s managing to hit his prostate the way Steve always does. “Not hearing the magic word, Stevie,” Bucky replies, eyes closing for a moment as he shudders a little, voice a little breathless singsong.

“Please,” Steve blurts out, hips jerking involuntarily. “Please, sweetheart, let me touch you. I need to,” he whines at him.

Bucky’s eyes snap open. “I’m sorry, was that begging and writhing, Stevie?” he says with a little evil smile. “And whimpering?” he adds.

Steve lets out a breath. “God, you’re evil,” he grumbles, as Bucky finally moves his hand.

“Oh, I don’t think so, baby,” Bucky murmurs, reaching for the lube again, and then in moments his wet hand is stroking down Steve’s cock, and Steve’s hips buck off the bed and he lets out a groan at the hotness of Bucky’s hand. Bucky grips him at the base of his dick and kneels over him. “I think you love me,” he says with a triumphant grin, before he presses himself against the tip of Steve’s cock and Steve’s thoughts white out as he’s engulfed in wet, tight heat.

Bucky doesn’t even give him a minute. He starts bouncing on him, riding his dick hard and fast, moaning up a storm, hands pressing down on Steve’s chest as he lifts himself up and sinks down, over and over and over again.

“Bucky, fuck…” Steve sputters out, feeling completely at Bucky’s mercy. “You feel so good…Christ…ah…fuck.” Steve’s not sure he’s making sense anymore. He can’t even get himself together enough to even snap his hips up.

Bucky is relentless and merciless, taking Steve deep and hard, again and again, rolling his hips, while Steve holds onto them for dear life. It’s not how he expected this night to go, but damn is it fantastic. And maddening. And blinding.

And then Bucky stops. He abruptly stops moving, sitting flush against Steve, letting out a little satisfied sigh, and then goddamn clenches around him.

Steve lets out a frankly whorish moan at that, panting as Bucky stays still over him. He meets Bucky’s eyes to find he’s watching him. “Buck, what are you…you gotta…c’mon,” Steve implores him, moving his hips, but only managing to drive himself a tiny bit deeper but not get the movement he’s dying for.

“I think I like when you beg,” Bucky smiles at him, a glint in his eye.

Steve lets out a frustrated moan as Bucky squeezes around him again. “Jesus…” He’s going to die like this. “Buck, don’t be so mean…” he pleads with him. It suddenly occurs to him that he has the strength to flip them, to fuck Bucky just how he wants, but Bucky taking control is always his weakness. It took them a while to get here, for Bucky to feel so comfortable with him, to be willing to take the lead, and Steve might be dying, but he loves Bucky for it.

Bucky’s gaze goes a little softer as he watches Steve. “Tell me you love me,” he requests.

Steve runs his hands over Bucky’s hips. “You know I do,” he chokes out, the warmth and tightness overwhelming as he’s not allowed to move. “I love you so much, Bucky.” He meets his eyes and lets out a shuddering moan as Bucky squeezes him again. He’s so fucking close to coming and he’s staring at the vision that is Bucky, his fiancé…god, he can’t even believe that. He feels so overwhelmed in that moment.

“I love you too, Stevie,” Bucky tells him, and then he leans down and presses his lips to Steve’s and Steve feels a little like he could cry. “Happy anniversary,” Bucky whispers.

And then Bucky starts moving his hips again, shallow little thrusts, that still feel like heaven, as he keeps kissing Steve, his tongue sliding in, and Steve’s gone. He breaks the kiss, panting against Bucky’s lips as his orgasm hits him hard, and he empties himself into Bucky, with a loud moan, feeling himself shaking a little at the intensity, and then Bucky starts moving faster, chasing his own release, hand going to jerk himself off at the same time before Steve can even function enough to do it for him, and then Bucky clenches around him so fucking tight and moans out some swear words as he comes, before collapsing down onto Steve’s chest. They lie there together, panting, sweaty and messy.

It’s perfect.

 

****

 

Bucky lets out a little happy sigh against Steve’s chest. He’s lying in Steve’s arms, not really sure how long they’ve been there just holding each other, after coming so hard, Bucky felt like he could pass out. He’s so happy and settled just lying there wrapped in Steve, it’s the kind of feeling he can’t even put words to. He’s felt that way a lot in the last couple of months.

He tilts his head to look at Steve, his fiancé…his everything, and suddenly realises what he wants. He smiles softly as he looks at Steve’s relaxed face. “I wanna marry you.”

An easy smile appears on Steve’s face as he opens his eyes. “Well that’s good, cause we’re kinda engaged.”

Bucky shakes his head. “No, I mean now. Like today.”

Steve blinks at him. “Today?”

Bucky nods, excitement growing at the idea. “Well, tomorrow, I guess,” he amends, his sex brain suddenly remembering it’s nighttime. “Everyone I love is here. That might not happen again for a long time. And I just…I don’t wanna wait anymore.”

Steve looks a little incredulous. “Really?”

“You don’t want to?” Bucky asks, feeling a little hesitant at the look on Steve’s face.

Steve’s face instantly changes to looking at Bucky like he’s a dumbass. “Of course I want to! I just…I want to make sure everything’s how you want it, I don’t want to rush it.”

Bucky grips his hand. “I just want to be married to you with my family and friends here. I don’t care about any of the actual wedding stuff.” He grins just thinking about it. “I bet Clint meant it when he said he wanted to officiate,” he muses.

Steve squeezes his hand and sits up. “Let’s do it then,” he beams.

“Tomorrow, remember?” Bucky says with a little laugh, moving and pushing Steve back down onto the bed.

“Right,” Steve grins, looking delighted.

They lie there for a few moments, in each other’s arms. Bucky’s already planning where to have the ceremony—maybe outside in the fields or maybe on the front porch. They don’t have suits, but that doesn’t matter to him. What matters is getting married. He figures it won’t be actually legal as they can’t really get the paperwork right now, but maybe one day they’ll get that done. That doesn’t matter either. What matters is he and Steve will know, and so will their family and friends. What matters is Steve.

Bucky can’t believe everything Steve did for him today. It was the best present he could have asked for, to have everyone visit all together. Last Christmas ended up perfect thanks to Steve, and now it seems this one will too.

Bucky smiles to himself as he thinks about this time last year and how everything felt so full of promise. “Hey, Stevie?”

“Yeah?” Steve murmurs to him, fingers tracing along his shoulder.

“I’m really glad I fell on you,” Bucky replies, smiling as he remembers standing with Steve, watching the snow.

Bucky can feel Steve smiling as he turns his face into Bucky’s hair and kisses it. “I’ll always catch you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter on Monday :) I really hope you liked this one, let me know? x


	28. Life’s What You Make It

Bucky groans as he hears a knock on the front door. Steve’s just started the shower—he can hear the water running. Grumbling to himself, he drags himself out of bed, throwing on a pair of pyjama pants hastily. He probably looks and possibly smells like sex, but it’s probably Clint, and the being embarrassed in front of Clint ship has sailed. Bucky’s lost count of the number of times he’s walked in on him and Steve now. At least he seems to have finally figured out knocking.

Bucky heads down the staircase, carefully avoiding touching the unfinished banister. They’ve been sanding it down before they varnish it, but it’s not done yet. He avoids the pile of tools in the hallway as he heads for the front door. They finished painting that last week and Bucky loves the dark green colour.

It’s taken far less time than Bucky would have thought to get their house looking house-like, but once Steve sets his mind to something, he really goes for it. It feels like the months have flown by. With Clint and Wanda’s help, they’ve built their own little dream house only a stone’s throw away from the main farmhouse. He has to say, it’s been damn helpful having Wanda float heavy beams for them.

Bucky loves the house. He and Steve have their own space while staying close to their friends, and now all the structural work is done, they can get it looking like a home. They’d probably get it done faster if they didn’t keep getting distracted by having their own space and the privacy that comes with it.

He smiles to himself as he pulls open the door, ready for Clint to mock the state of him.

He freezes in the doorway and his blood runs cold when he sees who it is.

“Hey there, Buckaroo.”

Bucky has to remember how to breathe. He blinks, trying to comprehend that Tony Stark is standing on his front porch.

“Did you just get lucky?” Tony asks, raising an eyebrow, looking amused.

“Uh,” Bucky utters.

Tony continues on like Bucky isn’t standing there in shock and panic. “I hear congratulations are in order,” he says, looking at Bucky’s right hand. “Got you a little something. Sorry it’s late.” He lifts his hands, and Bucky finally notices that he’s holding a cream-coloured box, tied with a gold ribbon.

“You…” Bucky chokes out. “How…who told you?”

“Romanov,” Tony shrugs, still holding the box out to Bucky.

“She told you where we were?” Bucky says in complete disbelief. Nat is their friend, he can’t believe she would do that to them.

“No, she told me about your wedding,” Tony corrects. “I already knew where you were.”

Bucky feels a bit of his shock wearing off. “You…what? Since when? How?”

Tony gives him a look and lets out an amused huff. “Since that day I let you go. You did real good, Buckster, managed to keep Ross from finding you, but I’m afraid you aren’t quite good enough to stop me.”

Bucky feels his face hardening. “So you’re here to arrest us?” he says defiantly. Tony can damn well try, but Bucky’s not giving in without a fight this time. He’s not losing what he has, what’s taken so long to build, his whole new life here with Steve.

Tony’s face softens as much as Bucky’s ever seen it. “If I wanted to do that, I would have done it months ago. I’m not here to fight.”

“Buck, have you seen my other towel?” Steve’s voice calls down, interrupting them, and then Bucky hears his footsteps as he plods down the stairs. “All I could find was this tiny one,” Steve complains, as Bucky turns to see Steve with a really tiny white towel round his waist, so small it barely joins up, and then Steve stops dead on the bottom stair as he sees who’s at the door.

It’s deadly still for a brief second and then Steve is right there in front of him, pushing Bucky back behind him, while trying to hold onto his towel and his dignity. “You touch him and I’ll kill you.”

Tony backs away a little. “I think you guys have the touching thing covered,” he says with a bemused look at Steve in his towel. “You maybe want to put some pants on and open your wedding present?” he says, offering the present out again.

Steve looks back to Bucky with a confused look on his face, while Bucky’s still rolling his eyes a little internally at Steve basically jumping in front of him.

“He said he’s not here to fight,” Bucky explains, with a little shrug. For whatever reason, he trusts that. He’s completely sure now that Tony helped him escape before.

“Then what are you here for, Tony?” Steve practically growls at him.

“C’mon,” Tony grouses. “Five minutes. I promise no one’s being arrested and no one else knows I’m here.” He pauses and looks at Steve. “Love the beard, by the way.”

Bucky knows Steve is still suspicious, but when he looks back at Bucky and Bucky nods, Steve relents. “Buck, can you go and grab me some clothes, please?” he asks, clearly unwilling to leave Bucky alone with Tony.

“Sure.” Bucky takes a breath as he heads back up the stairs. He hopes Steve doesn’t kill Tony by the time he gets back.

He throws on a black t-shirt and then grabs some navy-blue pants and a white t-shirt for Steve, along with underwear, before heading back downstairs quickly.

Tony’s sitting on their brand-new couch, which arrived yesterday, looking uncomfortable, as Steve stands there a few feet away, watching him, somehow still imposing even as he clings to the towel to preserve a tiny bit of modesty.

Bucky moves over to him to give him the clothes and Steve steps out for a moment, but not before giving Tony a warning look. Bucky perches himself on the arm of the sofa.

Tony holds out the gift box to him again. “C’mon, you’ve gotta take it,” he frowns.

Bucky frowns slightly back at him, but relents and takes the box, cradling it to his chest as Steve returns.

Steve comes over to stand a foot from Bucky and stays standing and stares down at Tony. “Okay, talk.”

“Straight to it, huh?” Tony says with a little grin, that falls when he sees Steve’s not smiling. “Look, Cap—”

“It’s Steve,” Steve interrupts.

“Uh, alright,” Tony says, looking a bit taken aback. “Look, I’ve known where you are this whole time, okay. After Buckaroo here—”

“Bucky,” Steve corrects, crossing his arms over his chest.

Bucky tries hard to focus and not get distracted by the way Steve’s muscles bulge when they’re like that. He’s also finding protective and stern Steve a huge turn on, even though he’s being a little ridiculous right now.

Tony waves his hand. “After that whole thing, I realised that even though I think the Accords are a good thing, I couldn’t hunt down my friends like they were criminals. So I’ve been making sure Ross doesn’t find you, giving him false leads, basically being a giant pain in his ass without him knowing. So I’m not here to ruin the life you’ve made. Promise,” Tony says sincerely.

Steve looks as surprised as Bucky feels.

“I’m sure you hate me, after what happened with Bucky’s arm,” Tony continues, and Bucky jolts his head to look at him and gives him a tiny shake of his head. Luckily Steve seems to be too busy glaring at Tony to notice.

Tony’s eyes widen a little, hopefully in understanding.

“You mean turning his arm off like it was a plaything?” Steve accuses him, voice hard.

Tony looks at Bucky again. “Yeah. That,” Tony says slowly. “That was wrong of me. I hope you can accept my apology for that,” he says, looking at Bucky.

Bucky nods, relieved Tony understood. “Wasn’t your fault.”

Steve looks at him with a frown. “Buck—”

“It’s my arm, Stevie,” Bucky reminds him, voice firm, with a warning look. “I’m over it.”

“So you came to apologise?” Steve relents, turning back to Tony.

Tony does a little half shrug. “Partly.” He looks at the box in Bucky’s hands. “Aren’t you going to open that?”

Bucky frowns at Tony’s insistence that he opens the present, but he tugs at the ribbon, while Steve watches him, looking cautious, like he’s ready to fling himself in front of Bucky if something untoward comes out of it.

Bucky frowns as he pulls the lid off and picks up three items. There are salt and pepper shakers in the shape of cats, (“Pepper picked those,” Tony explains as Bucky looks at them) and a tiny version of Steve’s shield. Bucky looks at that curiously and passes it over to Steve with a frown.

“Had to sneak it out,” Tony says, and then he flicks something towards Steve and then Steve staggers back a little as his shield essentially explodes into full size, clanging onto the floor, making Bucky jump out of his skin and Steve look in total shock.

“Courtesy of Pym Technologies,” Tony explains, looking a little bemused at their reactions.

Steve bends down to pick it up and slowly moves the thing onto his arm. “Why did you bring me this?” he asks softly, running his other hand over the metal.

Bucky watches him, thoughts churning. Steve looks like he’s been reunited with an old friend. Bucky’s getting an inkling of why Tony’s here and he doesn’t like it.

“We could use you, Cap,” Tony tells him solemnly. “The Accords…they were a good idea in theory, but they’re falling apart. Ross is done. He’ll be forced out soon. There are others taking over, those with more understanding of people like us. It’ll be a better way forward. You can get back out there, on your terms.” He pauses. “It was an idea. It didn’t work out the way we hoped. But we can get the Avengers back together.”

Bucky’s heart drops to his feet. He feels physically sick. It’s everything Steve and Clint and Wanda have probably wanted since the split, but everything he never has. He stares at the windows of their house, that’s just begun to feel like their home, and feels a little part of himself die as he thinks of waiting here for Steve to come back from missions, of being alone, of being scared out of his mind.

“It’s still Steve,” Steve’s voice interrupts his internal panic. “And I’m retired.” He takes the shield off his arm and places it carefully leaning against the couch and then reaches out to take Bucky’s hand.

Bucky’s breath hitches as Steve squeezes his hand and looks at him the way he always does, with pure love in his eyes, but also with a reassuring smile.

“Seriously?” Tony asks, looking more shocked than Bucky’s ever seen him.

“Seriously,” Steve confirms, one of his fingers tracing over Bucky’s ring as he holds his hand, his own ring pressing into Bucky’s finger. “I’m happy. I made my peace with leaving Cap behind a long time ago.” He gives Tony a small smile. “You just think you need me. But you’ve got all kinds of people you can call on. I’ve seen your files, Tony, don’t pretend you don’t track enhanced people,” Steve says with a little skeptical look.

Tony shrugs. “I might do. Doesn’t mean any of them can live up to you.”

Steve lets out a little chuckle. “Start with Peter. That kid could go far.”

Tony stares at him for a few moments, before he stands up, moving closer, giving Steve a considered look. “You’re really serious? You’re just giving all that up?”

Steve shrugs one shoulder. “I already did. And I don’t regret it.”

Tony frowns and looks a little confused. “You’re sure?”

Steve smiles at Bucky, and Bucky’s heart just about beats out of his chest. “Never been surer of anything.” He bends down to pick up the shield and holds it out to Tony. “You should take this.”

Tony waves him off. “It’s yours. You keep it. Hang it above the fireplace or something.” He still seems surprised but somewhat resigned now. He shrugs. “Well, can’t say I saw this coming, but I’m happy for you, Ca— Steve,” he corrects himself with a little amused exhale.

Steve’s face changes to a more sincere expression. “Thank you, Tony.” Bucky can hear he means it. The fracturing of the Avengers has always stayed with Steve, Bucky knows, even if Steve never says anything. This moment with Tony is something Steve’s needed without even realising it himself probably, Bucky thinks.

“Maybe I’ll come visit sometime, when the place is all done?” Tony asks, offering his hand out to Steve, as Steve puts the shield back down.

Steve looks at it for a moment, before shaking Tony’s. “Call first,” he says with a little smile and amused eyes.

“And miss out on your tiny towel parade?” Tony smirks. “I really did miss America’s ass.”

Steve rolls his eyes. “It’s Bucky’s ass now.”

Bucky breathes wrong from embarrassment and chokes a little as Tony looks amused.

“Seems like he takes good care of it,” Tony comments.

Steve lets out an amused huff. “That he does.”

Tony’s face turns more serious again. “I’m glad.”

Steve and Tony look at each other for a moment and Bucky can see a tentative truce forming already.

“Well, I better get going then,” Tony says with a small sigh. “Got a mission in…” He breaks off and waves his hand. “Never mind. Not your concern.”

Steve gives him a small grateful smile. “I’ll let Clint and Wanda know. It’s not my place to speak for them.”

“Well, Romanov has my secure line if you need anything.” Tony doesn’t sound like he holds out much hope for Clint and Wanda rejoining. Bucky wonders how much Nat has told him.

Bucky follows quietly as Tony heads back to the front door, feeling himself start to relax again.

“Congrats, Buckaroo,” Tony tells him, shaking his hand too. “Send me your wedding video, will you?”

Bucky raises his eyebrows in surprise and then finds himself smiling. “Nat didn’t send you that?” he asks with a wry smile.

“Nope,” Tony replies. “Heard it was magical though. Real tearjerker.” He opens the door and steps out onto the porch, before turning back to look at Steve. “See ya, Rogers,” he says, with a little salute.

Steve lets out an amused breath as Tony backs away on the grassy field. “It’s Barnes!” he calls out after him.

Tony grins widely at them, as his suit appears, covering over him, and then he salutes them both and blasts off into the air.

Steve exhales as they watch until he’s gone from sight, and then turns and gathers Bucky into his arms, pressing their chests together. “Want to sand the banister?” he offers, pressing a kiss to Bucky’s neck.

Bucky lets out an amused and relieved breath. They look at each other for a moment, a silent conversation playing between them, and Bucky realises they don’t need to talk about it. “Yeah, let’s do it,” he confirms, with a happy grin.

Steve releases him and plants a kiss on his lips before he wanders off towards the stairs. “I think you’re right about using the darker varnish,” he says as he starts digging through the tools on the floor.

“Oh yeah?” Bucky replies as he watches his husband, complete joy running through him as they continue to go about their normal lives as though none of that just happened.

“Mmm,” Steve hums. “More elegant.”

“Well we ain’t gonna get to the varnishing part if you don’t finish sanding,” Bucky reminds him, before moving closer and pinching him on the ass.

Steve jumps. “Hey!”

“It’s my ass, remember?” Bucky grins at him as he steps past him onto the stairs.

Steve drops the sandpaper and tools in hands to the ground with a thud. “What’s mine is yours,” he grins. Then he gets a decidedly naughty look on his face. “And what’s yours is mine,” he adds slyly.

Bucky knows that look.

He makes it three stairs up before Steve’s arms wrap round him, lifting him off his feet, making Bucky squeak as Steve manhandles him into a bridal hold. Bucky doesn’t even protest it anymore. He just lets it happen as Steve ducks his head down to meet Bucky’s and he kisses him, stumbling up the stairs as he does so, while Bucky runs his fingers along Steve’s neck, keeping him kissing him, keeping him close, as he thinks about when Steve did this on their wedding night.

Bucky exhales happily as Steve deposits him on their bed and crawls over him and Bucky smiles against Steve’s lips as they meet his. Bucky shivers in happiness as most of his conscious thoughts fade away with every touch, until there’s one thought remaining. That Steve chose him. Steve chooses him over and over, just as Bucky always chooses him.

Their life together hasn’t always been easy, but they make it work. Bucky’s sure they’ve ended up right where they’re supposed to be. Maybe all the hard times were worth it to get to this point. And now it feels like maybe the rest of their lives together will be whatever they want them to be.

Maybe there’s no maybe about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finished! 😭 I hope you enjoyed it. I'd love to hear your thoughts, esp if you've been reading but not commented before, I'd really love to know what you thought 🙂
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who has read, kudosed and commented on this, it's been so much fun! Repeat commenters, you are like gold dust, thank you for following along and taking the time to leave me such wonderful feedback! 
> 
> I really wanted to post today because it's the anniversary of when I posted the first chapter of [my first stucky fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14635461), which is pretty cool. I've apparently written over 360,000 words of stucky in a year, which is mental. 
> 
> I don't see myself stopping tbh. Endgame broke me a little, but my stucky love doesn't waver. So I'll probably write something else, so maybe I'll see you on another fic sometime soon 🙂 If you have a type of fic you'd like to see, leave me a comment and let me know also 😁
> 
> 💜💜💜


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